Facoctagon

Facacta.
Octagon.
Facoctagon.

A shape that's supposed to have eight sides but doesn't.

Also it's Jewish.

Meshugge.
Geometry.
Meshuggeometry.

Conanalysis

Conan.
Analysis.
Conanalysis.

Last night, I made my network debut on the Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien.

(Conan wasn't making a debut with me, he goes with the show.)

Here is what happened. (Click on this.)

Watch if you like. Enjoy if you do. Have a party.

Disco.
Conan.
Disconan.

Nobelfry

Nobel.
Belfry.
Nobelfry.

Some people think the committee is batty for giving Obama the peace prize, at a time when our country is at war.

Afghanistan.
Standby.
Afghanistandby.

But Batman is constantly engaged in a war on crime, to keep the peace, remember?

Forgot.
Gotham.
Forgotham.

So, nothing hypocritical about being batty.

Hypocrite.
Critters.
Hypocritters.

Umbilical Corduroys

Umbilical Cord.
Corduroys.
Umbilical Corduroys.

The grossest pants in the world.

And that's not all... they're also made of umbilical cords!

Pantaloon.
Lunacy.
Pantalunacy.

Dominostalgia

Dominos.
Nostalgia.
Dominostalgia.

I used to eat their pizza all the time.

Then I found out the owner donated lots of money to pro-life causes, so I stopped.

Then I found out the owner sold the business and it has nothing to do with pro-life causes anymore.

But by then it was too late; I was already a vegan.

Tofu.
Futility.
Tofutility.

Talmudblood

Talmud.
Mudblood.
Talmudblood.

Another word for a shiksa.

Unless that's offensive, in which case I take it back.

Hebrew.
Rewind.
Hebrewind.

Hempty

Hemp.
Empty.
Hempty.

When you're out of pot.

Or the first name of Mr. Dempty.

(Maybe that's why he threw himself off that wall... because he was out of pot.)

Foregone.
Ganja.
Foreganja.

Historepeat

History.
Repeat.
Historepeat.

They say that not knowing history will lead to repeating it.

But what about the parts that we WANT to repeat? Shouldn't we try and not know them?

Stop teaching about Gandhi and Martin Luther King and Einstein and Thomas Edison and Darwin!

Once we've forgotten all about them, we'll have new ones!

Maybe a Voltron combining them all: a peaceful time-traveling inspirational inventor!

(With the head of a lion! And arms that are also the heads of lions! But that used to be the heads of monkeys! Go Voltron!)

Evolve.
Voltron.
Evolvtron.

Ampersandwich

Ampersand.
Sandwich.
Ampersandwich.

A delicious punctuation, the recipe of which is a generous helping of the shift key along with the number 7.

Menu.
Numerical.
Menumerical.

Easy as pie!
(Or even easier, actually. I can't make a pie, but I can do this.)

Recipe.
Period.
Reciperiod.

Abrahamlet

Abraham.
Hamlet.
Abrahamlet.

To be or not to be the father of Judaism.

Oy Vey.
Vague.
Oy Vague.

Algaesus

Algae.
Jesus.
Algaesus.

Doesn't so much WALK on water as float on top of it.

(The dead-then-returned-to-life-man's float.)

Reincarnate.
Naturally.
Reincarnaturally.

Skunkosher

Skunk.
Unkosher.
Skunkosher.

I don't know if any religions outlaw the eating of this animal, but they probably don't have to.

Pepe Le Pew.
Putrid.
Pepe Le Pewtrid.

Porcupineapple

Porcupine.
Pineapple.
Porcupineapple.

Fruit that can relax because of its natural defense system against predators.

Tranquil.
Quilled.
Tranquilled.

Paypalestine

Paypal.
Palestine.
Paypalestine.

An independent state, if enough people donate.

Donate.
National.
Donational.

Laboredom

Labor.
Boredom.
Laboredom.

A whole day without work to celebrate not having to work?

What if you like your work?

Then this day is a punishment.

Surprise.
Prison.
Surprison.

Lazeye

Lazy.
Eye.
Lazeye.

A lazier way to say it.

Goddamn.
Amblyopia.
Goddamblyopia.

Pizzubway

Pizza.
Subway.
Pizzubway.

I wrote some standup to be used in promos on Comedy Central.

Here they are.

Advertise.
Zing!
Advertizing!

Haystacupuncture

Haystack.
Acupuncture.
Haystacupuncture.

Something about a needle. I'll get to that later.

We start with a story about the beach, which I now call the bea-otch.
(Take that, beach.)

Sandy.
Destruction.
Sandestruction.

That is where I got a sunburn, but don't worry, it was not for nothing.

I got it in exchange for donating my glasses to the ocean.

Oops.
Sea.
Oopsea.

Like I made a sacrifice to Poseidon so he would put a word in with Apollo to burn me.

Stupidest exchange ever.

Trade.
Adept.
Tradept.

I don't even know why a god would need glasses.

Ophthalmology.
Jesus.
Ophthalmologesus.

Though he is the god of the sea, not god of seeing.

Inept.
Neptune.
Ineptune.

So I spent my day at the beach searching for buried treasure. Or floating treasure. Or wherever-my-glasses-ended-up treasure.

Prize.
Eyes.
Priyes.

And what I found is this...

The expression "looking for a needle in a haystack" should be changed to "looking for my glasses in the ocean."

Because that's way harder.

A haystack doesn't move. It doesn't cover three-quarters of the earth. You can't burn down the ocean and just find what you're looking for sitting right there. AND you're doing all this searching without your glasses.

Blinded.
Dedication.
Blindedication.

Sometimes someone will throw a bottle into the ocean, with a note inside that travels across the world, and someone else finds it and they fall in love and live happily ever after.

That actually happens more often than me finding my glasses in the ocean.

And the bottle is made out of glass as well, which is sort of rubbing it in.

Pepsi.
Sea-Faring.
Pepsea-Faring.

So, if anyone finds my glasses on the other side of the world, we should probably get married.

Let me know.

Longshot.
Hotline.
Longshotline.

Mascary

Mascara.
Scary.
Mascary.

Too much makeup.

Lipstick.
Icky.
Lipsticky.

Moriginal

More.
Original.
Moriginal.

It's easier to be more original if you start earlier.

The person who had it the easiest was probably Adam.

Anything he made would HAVE to be original, because he was the first dude, so there was absolutely no one around before him creating anything.

Unless you count God creating anything.

Okay, so God had it the simplest then.

Deity.
Easiest.
Deiteasiest.

Combozo

Combos.
Bozo.
Combozo.

Some clown who puts things together, like words maybe.

(And perhaps a more appropriate title for this blog, in hindsight.)

Blogger.
Grrrrrrr.
Bloggrrrrrrrr.

Gazpachoo

Gazpacho.
Achoo.
Gazpachoo.

When you sneeze and cold tomato soup comes out your nose.

Veggies.
Gesundheit.
Veggesundheit.

Galoreos

Galore.
Oreos.
Galoreos.

A lot of cookies.

Cascades.
Desserts.
Cascadesserts.

Raudio

Raw.
Audio.
Raudio.

Just got the first rough copy of my CD recording.

Keep staying tuned to the things I'm saying so you can eventually purchase the things I said and then be on your own schedule of listening to the things I will say.

Saying.
Yin Yang.
Sayin Yang.

Hospitalian

Hospital.
Italian.
Hospitalian.

A medical facility where the food is enjoyable.

Also, it's where you end up when the mafia tries to make you sleep with the fishes, but you just end up taking a nap with them.

(Sleep is to death as nap is to coma?)

Pain.
Analogy.
Painalogy.

Alcatrasberry

Alcatraz.
Raspberry.
Alcatrasberry.

One of the nicer things that can happen to you in jail.

Surprise.
Prison.
Surprison.

Alluminati

Aluminum.
Illuminati.
Alluminati.

A secret conspiracy (involving tin* cans) that tries to take over the world but is constantly foiled.

Foil.
Failure.
Foilure.


* But not tin.

Or is it?

Metal.
Also.
Metalso.

Futurine

Future.
Urine.
Futurine.

What I call my drinking water, when I especially don't want others to have any.

Selfish.
Fishfood.
Selfishfood.

Reapersonification

Reaper.
Personification.
Reapersonification.

It's been said that the only thing there is to fear is fear itself, but I think that's incorrect.

I think the only things there are to fear are pain and death.

But once you have death, there is no more pain.

And if you are in pain, that means you are not dead.

So really, there's nothing to fear at all.

Unless you believe in hell, in which case that's pain AND death combined.

Suckers.

Hades.
Desolate.
Hadesolate.

Robotuary

Robot.
Obituary.
Robotuary.

For when Johnny Five is no longer alive.

Zero.
Robot.
Zerobot.


(See also Sorrobot.)

Daedalust

Daedalus.
Lust.
Daedalust.

The passion one feels for an inventor.

Especially an inventor who can make you a cow suit so you can sleep with a bull that you also have passion for.

If only the inventor was also a bull, like the story is. (Take that, mythology.)

Beau.
Bovine.
Beauvine.

Debutcher

Debut.
Butcher.
Debutcher.

When was the first animal killed after Noah's trip on the ark?

They only brought two of each, so what were the animals being fed until they could reproduce enough to make more food for the other animals that were carnivores and needed to eat them?

Maybe they got so hungry they had to eat the unicorns and one of the dragons (the other of which fled to Loch Ness).

Mythology.
Eats.
Mythologeats.


(See also Amoe-Bay and Dragonorrhea.)

Traffiction

Traffic.
Fiction.
Traffiction.

There are no cars in front of you.

They're all in your mind.

Just keep driving forward.

Also, there is no spoon.

So, good luck eating the soup they serve you in the hospital after your car accident.

Silverware.
Wary.
Silverwary.

Augusto

August.
Gusto.
Augusto.

What I have not been attacking this blog with so far this month.

But just wait, everything can change with one post that talks about everything changing!

Apparent.
Enthusiasm.
Apparenthusiasm.

Louieekend

Louie.
Weekend.
Louieekend.

Last night, tonight, and tomorrow night, I perform with Mr. CK at Caroline's.

Come!*

(If the name of this post sounds like me saying "the weekend" in French, I apologize or you're welcome, depending how you feel about it.)

Rendezvous.
Useful.
Rendezvouseful.


* Probably don't try to come last night, because it was sold out. Also because you'd need a time machine. But I suppose if you had one of those, you could probably manage to go back far enough to get tickets also. Which would displace someone who was there last night, which is either impossible because it's already happened, or would create a parallel timeline in which you saw the show and they didn't, which I think is more likely. So go for that. Also let me know how you got a time machine.

Chronology.
Logistics.
Chronologistics.

Dinneraction

Dinner.
Interaction.
Dinneraction.

Unnecessarily long (but fun) term for having a meal with someone.

Supper.
Superfluous.
Supperfluous.

Strategypt

Strategy.
Egypt.
Strategypt.

Sometimes I just get words ready for when they're relevant.

If we go to war with Egypt and need a plan, you heard it here first.

Prepared.
A Ridiculous Idea.
Preparidiculous Idea.

Daffodildo

Daffodil.
Dildo.
Daffodildo.

Not the most functional, but pretty.

Flower.
Erotic.
Flowerotic.

Aquamanatee

Aquaman.
Manatee.
Aquamanatee.

Half creature of the sea, half super-hero that lives in the sea and has the power to communicate with any creature of the sea.

Thus being very in touch with itself.

Or being a thing that talks to itself a lot.

(A lot of lonely sea beings end up like that.
At least the little mermaid would always make a song of it, to distract from the fact of how alone she was.)

Solitary.
Ariel.
Solitariel.

Montreality

Montreal.
Reality.
Montreality.

I'm there.

It's not an imaginary place.

Unless I'm an imaginary person.*

Arcane.
Canada.
Arcanada.


* I think I'm not, therefore I am not?

Descartes.
Testing.
Descartesting.

What if you thought you were Descartes?

Rene.
Nerve.
Renerve.

Mayhemp

Mayhem.
Hemp.
Mayhemp.

Marijuana can cause a lot of problems.

Personally, it usually makes me fall asleep and miss the rest of the party.

Marijuana.
Naptime.
Marijuanaptime.

But people usually take pictures of me (or draw pictures on me, or both) so I can learn how fun it was anyway.

Narcoleptic.
Tickled.
Narcoleptickled.

So there's no need to do cocaine or uppers of any kind to stay awake, not in this modern age of technology.

Gateway drug problem solved!

Cocaine.
Inert.
Cocainert.


(See also Begateway.)

Awkwairdo

Awkward.
Weirdo.
Awkwairdo.

This entry.

Or me for writing it.

Blog.
Logic.
Blogic.

Poseihnfeld

Posehn.
Seinfeld.
Poseihnfeld.

A cross between comedians Brian and Jerry.

"What's the deal with death metal? There's no death, and there's no metal!"

"Actually, the guitars have some metal."

"Oh. Okay then. What's the deal with comic books? They're not books, and they're not comics!"

"They're both, actually."

"Oh. Okay. What's the deal with this joke going on so long?"

"THERE you go."

Comedian.
Dying.
Comedying.

Gardenial

Garden.
Denial.
Gardenial.

What Adam and Eve experienced, after the snake made his convincing argument that "ignorance is bliss" meant that you shouldn't have either of those.

What's better? Knowing things, or being happy?

That's what I'd like to know.

Or not.

Informed.
Mediocre.
Informediocre.

Poconostradamus

Poconos.
Nostradamus.
Poconostradamus.

I predict that I went to Pennsylvania two days ago and stayed overnight until yesterday.

(Being psychic is easy when you do it in reverse. I think then it's called "memory.")

Memory.
Oh Really.
Memoh Really.

Tutuba

Tutu.
Tuba.
Tutuba.

Someone whose ballet is large, low, and loud.

As opposed to the tinier, higher, quieter variety.

Ballerina.
Inaudible.
Ballerinaudible.

Hefnerd

Hefner.
Nerd.
Hefnerd.

The brains behind Playboy.

(They say behind every great man is a woman, and this man was smart enough to put the women front and center.)

XXX.
X Chromosome.
XXX Chromosome.

KATGIF

KATG.
TGIF.
KATGIF.

Keith and the Girl is fun.

(That's what that whole expression could stand for.)

It's a podcast that I appear on regularly enough that I feel fine saying I appear on it regularly.

This entry would probably be most appropriate if I were appearing on it today, Friday.

But sometimes the universe doesn't work perfectly.

For example, Pluto's not a planet anymore, and I'm not on the show again until this coming Tuesday. Also tomorrow for their 1000th show-xtravaganza.

But that's perfect enough, isn't it? (Except for Pluto. Sorry!*)

Podcast.
Astronomy.
Podcastronomy.


* My childhood peers will just have to content ourselves with the idea that "my very educated mother just served us nine..." without referencing what nine things she served us.

Perhaps she's educated enough to assume that we'll put it together.

Or we just all have to deal with the fact that someone stole our pickles.

Pickle.
Klepto.
Picklepto.

Mesclunar

Mesclun.
Lunar.
Mesclunar.

Vegetables eaten at night.

Nocturnal.
Alfalfa.
Noctrunalfalfa.

Whimpervious

Whimper.
Impervious.
Whimpervious.

When people whine at/to/near me, I am emotionally invincible.

Bullets:Superman::Whining:Me.

Unless the whining is made of kryptonite.

Gripin'.
Indestructible.
Gripindestructible.

Yetymology

Yeti.
Etymology.
Yetymology.

Where did the name "Bigfoot" come from, anyway?

Sure, they probably first identified his existence due to big footprints, but wouldn't they make the assumption that there was a giant creature attached, and not just a big-footed thing that was unremarkable in everything but the foot department?

Why not call him "Big Thing"? (If the name had to be so boring.)

Or at the very least, Bigfeet?
(Weren't there left AND right footprints? Or is that part of the intrigue and mystery of the creature?)

Podiatric.
Tricky.
Podiatricky.

Addictionary

Addict.
Dictionary.
Addictionary.

Someone or something that can't get enough words.

(So they start making up new ones.)

Etymologist.
Gestation.
Etymologestation.

Canadamant

Canada.
Adamant.
Canadamant.

In college, I sang in an a capella group called VoiceMale (I didn't name it, but would have been happy to name it that, were it up to me), and we went on tour down the east coast of this country but also up to Montreal, because, damn it, people wanted to see strippers with their eyes and beers with their mouths, and Canada's drinking age was lower than ours, so score!

Montreal.
Realistic.
Montrealistic.

The score after a trip to one bar and two strip clubs was as follows--
Beers: 14, Shots: 2, Time Asleep: unknown, due to being asleep.
(That's what happens when an a capella group sings in a bar and gets pitchers sent over to them by people who love the singing or are trying to bribe us to stop, and you add in the fact that only a couple of the guys in the group actually drank to begin with.)

Sleepy.
Period.
Sleeperiod.

I woke up from my nap that you might call "having passed out" if you were a stickler for that sort of thing, I eliminated the problem from my body from whence it came, and I went back to our hotel or wherever we were staying, I don't remember, I was drunk. For the very first time, did I mention? That's what this story is about.

Virgin.
Gin and Tonic.
Virgin and Tonic.

Then when I woke up the next day, I had the biggest hangover. It was probably the worst pain I'd ever felt, and my parents got divorced when I was a kid. (But they didn't hit me in the head with the power of that many drinks.) Also I figured they were better off living the lives they wanted to lead. No worries.

Point is, it was no good, so I promised no one in particular (maybe myself?) that I'd never drink that much again. And I didn't. Until the next time. A capella!

Until.
Illness.
Untillness.


(See also Hungovery.)

Ignormal

Ignore.
Normal.
Ignormal.

Not paying attention to the ordinary.

Probably not applicable to those under the influence of psilocybin.

Litmus.
Mushrooms.
Litmushrooms.

(See also Psilocybinoculars.)

Comedaytime

Comedy.
Daytime.
Comedaytime.

Had a show during the day today in Washington Square Park.

2pm, the time when comedy is born! And immediately takes a nap.

The "stage" was one side of a circular area with benches lining the circumference, so anyone who wanted could get a great seat either right behind me or far away on the other side of the circle.

Or they could sit right down in the middle of a walkway and be trampled.

Either way, their laughs were sure to be lost into the ether of the outdoors, or muffled because they were being trampled.

A good time was had by all! (Most people opted for trample-free.)

Stomped.
Pedestrians.
Stompedestrians.

Independensity

Independence.
Density.
Independensity.

Our freedom's mass per unit volume.

Happy birthday, America.

The extra weight suits you. You don't look a day past 200.

4th of July.
Liar.
4th of Juliar.

Hydrama

Hydra.
Drama.
Hydrama.

For example, when you're dating someone who causes so many headaches that even when you put out one fire, two more pop up to take its place.

Fiery.
Relationship.
Fierelationship.

Lupinocchio

Lupine.
Pinocchio.
Lupinnocchio.

A wolf who wants to be a real boy.

Like one of Mowgli's "brothers" who is jealous of his opposable thumbs.

Jungle.
Learning.
Junglearning.

Cryogenixon

Cryogenics.
Nixon.
Cryogenixon.

What if Tricky Dick wasn't really dead, but just frozen?

That would be really tricky.

However, if you're really tricky, 1) you don't put "tricky" in your nickname, that gives it away, and 2) you don't get caught stealing.

My Country 'Tis of Thee.
Thievery.
My Country 'Tis of Thievery.

Impedimentadent

Impediment.
Mentadent.
Impedimentadent.

Something that gets in the way of brushing your teeth.

e.g. Having a distrust of the electric toothbrush.

I mean, I like using a chair just fine, but some things don't improve when you add "electric."

(Like, the slide.)

Electric.
Rickety.
Electrickety.

Anagrampa

Anagram.
Grampa.
Anagrampa.

A scrambled-up old man.

Doesn't even spell "grandpa" correctly.

Spelling.
Ingorrect.
Spellingorrect.

Dryce

Dry.
Ice.
Dryce.

If you ever need to refer to solid carbon dioxide even faster than normal.

CO2.
Too Slow.
CO200 Slow.

Tomatom

Tomato.
Atom.
Tomatom.

The smallest component into which this fruit can be broken down.

Also known as a "to-mah-tom."

(But that might involve calling the whole thing off.)

Ketchup.
Uppity.
Ketchuppity.

Darwinners

Darwin.
Winners.
Darwinners.

We got the opposable thumbs, the ability to use language, AND we don't throw our poo* (even though we CAN pick it up with our opposable thumbs).

Evolution champions!

Evolve.
Velocity.
Evolvelocity.



* Unless we really want to.

Excrement.
Mentality.
Excrementality.

Cartuna

Cartoon.
Tuna.
Cartuna.

Shouldn't more animated characters be vegetarians?

There are so many anthropomorphized talking animals out there, and they're just chomping away at NON-anthropomorphized animals like it's normal.

Normal.
Malnutrition.
Normalnutrition.

You might argue no, because it's the natural order of things for animals to eat each other in the wild (e.g. fish do feed on other fish without being called cannibals), so why not eat them in the non-wild, especially when they're wearing pants like a human?

Wardrobe.
Obituary.
Wardrobituary.

Fair point, but that doesn't explain Mickey Mouse eating a steak.
(Mice are not predators of cows in the natural order of things.
But maybe talking mouse in shorts IS predator of cartoon cow.
Or just that Disney is a predator of everything.)

Jeopardize.
Disney.
Jeopardisney.

Abracadabrasive

Abracadabra.
Abrasive.
Abracadabrasive.

When a genie in a lamp rubs you the wrong way.

Perhaps because you rubbed IT the wrong way.

Which leads to YOU having to grant IT* three wishes.

Dodgy.
Genie.
Dodgenie.


* I used the word "it" instead of "him," choosing to be un-PC against the genie community, as opposed to the sexist option, or the awkwardness of "him or her," because a genie could certainly be either gender, and there's no way a glass ceiling could keep a genie from magicking right through it.

Gender.
Derogatory.
Genderogatory.

Pillowl

Pillow.
Owl.
Pillowl.

A really soft bird.

You can't sleep on it though, because it's awake all night.

(It's a nocturnal cushion.)

Shh.
Hoot.
Shhoot.

Patriarchenemy

Patriarch.
Archenemy.
Patriarchenemy.

To some, another word for father.*
(Not me! Happy Fathers' Day!)

Holiday.
Dad.
Holidad.

I had breakfast with my father for Fathers' Day today, and then lunch with my mother for her birthday tomorrow.**

Family.
Eating.
Famileating.

At lunch, a friend of my grandmother's told me about how he orders a tuna sandwich when he's out at restaurants.

First, he asks if the tuna is fresh, and they say "Of course."

Then, he tells them he actually prefers it if it's three or four days old, do they have any of that around?

If they say, "No, only fresh tuna," he says, "All right, I can deal with that."

If they say, "Yes, we have some of that," he says, "I'll have the egg salad."

Chicken.
Kinship.
Chickinship.


* To others, another word for matriarch?

Maternal.
Alright.
Maternalright.


** Her birthday is tomorrow, but we had lunch for it today.

I was not reporting on future events.

Those are secrets.

Chronology.
Conspiracy.
Chronspiracy.

Gandolfinished

Gandolfini.
Finished.
Gandolfinished.

Is he? Haven't seen him around much since The Sopranos ended.

Mafia.
Finale.
Mafinale.

But a glance at his IMDB page says he's still doing fine, working regularly.

Cinema.
Manifold.
Cinemanifold.

Also, the most of his name sounds like he's a wizard from Lord of the Rings, so perhaps it's magic that's sustaining him, as the Italian Gandalf.

Ad Hoc.
Hocus Pocus.
Ad Hocus Pocus.

Feedbaction

Feedback.
Action.
Feedbaction.

Things have been going well since I stopped teetering on the brink of Twitter and fell/jumped into it.

Twitter.
Teetering.
Tweetering.

For example, comedian Justin Morgan (@JMorgComedy) had this to say at/about/to/[insert other relevant or irrelevant prepositions] me and my aforementioned Twitter:

"by far and away the best tweets on the twitter"

and

"the man is a genius, one of my favorite comics, an all around delight & the funniest tweets on twitter."

So nice he said it twice.*
And got me to use that "so nice he said it twice" phrase, which makes me feel dirty like lice.

See? I can rhyme, too!

AND, I can stop rhyming. (You're welcome for at least one of those.)

And thanks, Mr. Morgan!

To close out this post, here's a word combo that DOESN'T apply to this fine gentleman's generosity:

Justin.
Stingy.
Justingy.


* And with slightly different phrasing, so it's clear it wasn't just cut and pasted.
He THOUGHT it twice, and he TYPED it twice.
Nice.

Rhymes.
Messenger.
Rhymessenger.

Millmore

Millard.
Fillmore.
Millmore.

We already spend so little time talking about this guy.

Why not cut down even more?

Two syllables for the price of three!

Unimpress.
President.
Unimpresident.

Awolrus

AWOL.
Walrus.
Awolrus.

When a sea creature runs away from its responsibilities.

Free Willy.
Willy-Nilly.
Free Willy-Nilly.

Imagindeed

Imagined.
Indeed.
Imagindeed.

Last night, man named Imagine hosted the comedy show that I performed on.

I don't know if the name is perfect or the opposite, because I couldn't have imagined anyone like him.

Fantasies.
Seize the Day.
Fantaseize the Day.

Nintendonitis

Nintendo.
Tendonitis.
Nintendonitis.

Medical condition caused by too much gaming.

Atari.
Arrhythmia.
Atarrhythmia.

Siloathing

Silo.
Loathing.
Siloathing.

There exist stores of food that are being wasted while some people are wasting away, or at least wasting down to a smaller waist size.

Dietary.
Terrible.
Dietarrible.

Passwordinary

Password.
Ordinary.
Passwordinary.

How many people do you think have considered using "password" as a password?

One less now. Not me anymore. Too predictable. Plus I just told you.*

So now I'm using the password "you'll never guess."

Security.
Teehee.
Securiteehee.


* Aha, you have fallen for my trick so my password can be "password" again.

Secret.
Retarded.
Secretarded.

Vehiclearance

Vehicle.
Clearance.
Vehiclearance.

Yesterday, I went to where I had parked my car to find that my car wasn't parked there.

That's one of the worst feelings there is.

Sadness.
Especially.
Sadnespecially.

Other than suicidality, non-suicidal yet severe psychological depression, less severe but still habitual fairly debilitating depression, stubbing your toe really hard, and probably some others I'm not thinking of right now... Add your own!
(Either in your own head, in the comments section, or both!
And if you can do it in the comments section without doing it in your own head, bravo.)

Mental.
Talking.
Mentalking.

My car had been parked legally, so I called 311 (the information line, not the defunct band).

311 is just like 411 information, but only for a specific type of information. Which makes sense, because it's 100 less than 411.
(So if you have an emergency but you don't want as much help as possible, call 811.)

Emergency.
See Ya?
Emergencee Ya?

311 told me that they had no record of my car being towed.
Normally that's good news, to hear that your car hasn't been towed.
But when your car is gone, it's slightly more not good news.

I now found myself praying that my car HAD been towed, and there was just no record of it yet. (Some sort of vigilante cop towing but not doing the paperwork? A citizen tow-er?*

Vigilante.
Antidote.
Vigilantidote.

Long story (told by a) short (person):

After several more calls to 311, being connected to the ninth precinct of Manhattan which had jurisdiction over the region from which my car went missing, being disconnected from the ninth precinct, walking to the wrong location of the ninth precinct given to me by cops from another precinct while trying to get the ninth precinct back on the phone, eventually reaching them on the phone before I reached the wrong location of the ninth precinct and having a ninth precinct cop tell me the best thing to do would be to go back to where the car went missing from and call 911 and wait, meeting the 911 cops when they finally showed up and learning they were from the ninth precinct, those cops told me to meet them back at the CORRECT location of the ninth precinct.

That's where they said they could check lists of cars that had been moved (but not officially towed--vigilante cops, I was right! but there were lists, so official vigilante cops).

It turned out there had been a street fair in between when I parked and yesterday, and there had been no signs posted about it, so the cops just moved my car down a long block and around the corner.

Did you know they do that? They can just move your car. And you don't have to pay to get it out of a lot or anything, and it wasn't stolen; you just find it nearby and drive it away. Fascists!**

So all's well that started crappy.

Failures.
Resolution.
Failuresolution.


* Pronounced toe-er. Not like the word that follows "Eiffel."
(Though perhaps the citizen tow-er would bring the car to his tall citadel of unofficial justice, the Citizen Tower.
Which is the renamed Eiffel Tower which has been commandeered for this purpose.)

Eiffel.
Felony.
Eiffelony.


** Is that the definition of fascism? It's cool to say cops are fascists, right? Even when they eventually help you?

My apologies. Hooray, cops! Also, I didn't see any of them eating any donuts. Not really fascist, not many donuts... we're breaking down cop stereotypes left and right! If only I was a different race that is usually mistreated by the law, then this prejudice-dismantling trifecta would be complete.

Gallantry.
Trifecta.
Gallantrifecta.

Sundaeneid

Sundae.
Aeneid.
Sundaeneid.

It's a dessert that is written poetic in some kind of meter called
"Dactylic hexa-" like this for example with cherries on top for y'all.

Virgil.
Gelatinous.
Virgelatinous.

Plutopia

Pluto.
Utopia.
Plutopia.

A perfect world, if you like it cold and distant.

And not really a world any more. At least not one of the official solar system ones.

Planet.
Net Loss.
Planet Loss.

Sitcomatose

Sitcom.
Comatose.
Sitcomatose.

As a teenager, I would come home from school, do my homework, and then sit calmly in front of the TV from around 6pm until midnight.

Waste.
Steady.
Wasteady.

In my pre-teen years, I had been limited to only a half-hour of television a night, so perhaps this was my rebellious phase.

Mr. Belvedere.
Rebel.
Mr. Rebelvedere.

If only I had come across an after-school special "The Boy Who Watched Too Much TV."
But I was busy doing my homework responsibly when that would have aired, I imagine.

Square.
Responsible.
Squaresponsible.

As I grow older and tell myself that I grow wiser, I find that I've matured enough that I certainly don't sit in front of the TV nearly that much at all.

Television.
Shunned.
Televishunned.

The computer screen is where it's at now, of course!.
(Thanks Hulu, Netflix Watch it Now, and nearly every TV channel's website.)

And with fewer commercials, it's a party!*

Hulu.
Luau.
Huluau.


* But not a Superbowl party. Because those are all ABOUT the commercials.

Madden.
Advertising.
Maddenvertising.

Managerk

Manager.
Jerk.
Managerk.

As it applies to the corporate world, this was actually the original meaning and spelling of "manager," but the final letter was simply lost over time.

Unless your supervisor is great, then how about this?

Boss.
Awesome.
Bawesome.


(See also Corporathole.)

Zombience

Zombie.
Ambience.
Zombience.

The atmosphere of a place that was dead but then came back to life.

(And then started eating brains.)

Brain.
Ingesting.
Braingesting.

Bangxiety

Bangs.
Anxiety.
Bangxiety.

Worry so bad you pull out your forehead hairs.

Brow.
Ouch.
Browch.

Elderstwhile

Elders.
Erstwhile.
Elderstwhile.

Tonight, I hosted a comedy show for an audience of about nine people.

But what they lacked in quantity, they made up in quantity of years that they had been alive.

If the amount of time lived by the aggregate of audience members that were there could have been spread out amongst a more ideal quantity of audience members, that would have solved TWO problems.

What a great magical power that would be, to be able to make the audience both younger and larger at the same time.*

Youthful.
Fuller.
Youthfuller.


* And what a selfish way that would be to use this power.

Well, if everyone came to my shows, then everyone would benefit.

Who's the selfish one now? (Answer: still me, fishing for more audience members.)

Selfish.
Fishing.
Selfishing.

Twitterrifying

Twitter.
Terrifying.
Twitterrifying.*

Finally, your wish is granted (if you were one of the handful of people wishing that I would join Twitter).

Genie.
Needy.
Genieedy.


* Changed from "Twitterrific" after learning someone already came up with that officially.

Sorries!
Reason.
Sorrieason.

Electronzoni

Electron.
Ronzoni.
Electronzoni.

Negatively charged pasta.

Perhaps it should be called anti-pasta.

Not to be confused with antipasto.

Which is the opposite of pasto.

(Pasto isn't a thing, which is why the opposite of it IS a thing.)

Antipasto.
Storytime.
Antipastorytime.

Punctuatindependence

Punctuatin'.
Independence.
Punctuatindependence.

A declarative statement ends with a period.

An interrogative one ends with a question mark.

An exclamation ends with an exclamation point.*

Makes one wonder why our country was born with a "Declaration of Independence," when it seems like an exclamation might have been more appropriate.**
(Seems like something that they might have wanted to get more excited about.)

Could have been worse, though.
At least we didn't start our country with an interrogation of independence.

e.g. "Independence, where were you on the evening of July 4, 1776?"

Freedom.
Domination.
Freedomination.


* They got a little lazy on this name, it seems.
Perhaps coming up with the other two was exhausting.

Tired.
Redundant.
Tiredundant.


** The Exclamation of Independence would have started out, "Wheeeeee!, the people..."

Exclaim.
Imagination.
Exclaimagination.

Pabstinence

Pabst.
Abstinence.
Pabstinence.

The only 100% effective method against something horrible happening.

Like forgetting to not drink Pabst.

Accidental.
Alcohol.
Accidentalcohol.

Clothingested

Clothing.
Ingested.
Clothingested.

Some underwear is edible.

Either because it is manufactured that way, or because someone didn't do their laundry and started wearing fruit roll-up boxers instead.*

Pantaloon.
Lunacy.
Pantalunacy.


* Taking the "of the loom" out of "fruit of the loom."
(And adding "roll-up.")

Tailored.
Edible.
Tailoredible.

Stevent

Steven.
Event.
Stevent.

I met Mr. Wright last night.

Comedy.
Dynamo.
Comedynamo.

NormanD-Day

Normandy.
D-Day.
NormanD-Day.

Today marks the anniversary of the first day of the 1944 invasion, named after the last syllable of the province being invaded.

Bonjour.
Europe.
Bonjourope.

TGIffy

TGIF.
Iffy.
TGIffy.

Should God be thanked every single Friday?

Wasn't that the day of the week on which his son was killed?

Which may have simply been a case of casual Friday taken too far.

e.g. "On all other days, we have a very strict no-crucifixion policy."

Perhaps each casual Friday comes with one commandment you can relax about, like "This week, don't worry about that 'I am the Lord your god' business."

Sabbath.
Atheist.
Sabbatheist.

Morninja

Morning.
Ninja.
Morninja.*

Me, when I awaken earlier than my girlfriend and sneak out of bed without waking her.

Sleeping.
Ingenuity.
Sleepingenuity.


* Not to be confused with a mourning ninja, which is someone who kicks ass at grieving.

Grief.
Effortless.
Grieffortless.

Probably because they're trained to be comfortable with death, they're at one with the universe, and they're already wearing black.

Shiva.
Values.
Shivalues.

Candorky

Candor.
Dorky.
Candorky.

To be honest, I have some nerdy interests.

Huge.
Geek.
Hugeek.

For example, growing up I was great at math and read a lot of comic books. (And I could tell you just how many comic books I read, that's how great at math I was.)

Loner.
Nerd.
Lonerd.

But I'm not dorky in every way one can be.

Dweeb.
Ebb and Flow.
Dweebb and Flow.

For example, I'm not a huge fan of Star Trek.

Trekkie.
Keyed Up.
Trekkeyed Up.

Which means I enjoyed the new movie, but I would have enjoyed it slightly more if I knew EVERYTHING there is to know about Star Trek.

Outcast.
Astronomical.
Outcastronomical.

But if I knew EVERYTHING there is to know about Star Trek, I would probably have enjoyed my life more than slightly less.

Misfit.
Fitting.
Misfitting.

Also I get lots of chicks now.

Magnet.
Networking.
Magnetworking.

Grouchomsky

Groucho.
Chomsky.
Grouchomsky.

He doesn't care to belong to any linguistics organization that would have him as a member.

Harpo.
Policies.
Harpolicies

(Even though he is one of its founding fathers, along with his brothers: Franz Boppo, Wilhelm von Humbo, and Ferdinand de Saussuro.)

Chico.
Counterparts.
Chicounterparts.

Harlequinticentennial

Harlequin.
Quinticentennial.
Harlequinticentennial.

500 posts of buffoonery!

We made it!

Thanks for being a part of it!

Here's to 500 more!

But not right now!

One at a time!

Slow and steady wins the race!

Especially when you're not even racing against anyone.

Tortoise.
Isolation.
Tortoisolation.

Elvishnu

Elvis.
Vishnu.
Elvishnu.

The King. Not just of rock and roll, but also of Hinduism.

He ain't nothin' but a hound dog, reincarnatin' all the time.

(In attempts to move up the hierarchy and get PAST hound dog to arrive at nirvana eventually.)

Jagra.
Graceland.
Jagraceland.

Karattweiler

Karate.
Rottweiler.
Karattweiler.

A canine that will only use its very disciplined viciousness on you in self-defense.

Judo.
Dog.
Judog.*

Its bark is worse than its bite, but its roundhouse kick is worse than both of those.

Fido.
Dojo.
Fidojo.

At least it can't punch you. (Dogs don't have hands.)

Tai Chi.
Chihuahua.
Tai Chihuahua.


* This word also sounds like it can also be used as an anti-Semetic slur, for anyone out there who hates Jews and dogs alike.

Yarmulke.
Kennel.
Yarmulkennel.

Melancholiday

Melancholy.
Holiday.
Melancholiday.

Days that are celebrated because they commemorate something sad, as opposed to something happy.

Taboo.
Boohoo.
Taboohoo.

Like Pearl Harbor Day, or Arbor Day if you hate trees, or even holidays that DON'T have the phrase "Arbor Day" contained somewhere within.

Botanical.
Calendar.
Botanicalendar.

Voideo

Void.
Video.
Voideo.

Currently in my viewfinder, there is a nothingness which I need converted into a somethingness.*

Zen.
Enlightenment.
Zenlightenment.

That is to say, I need a new camcorder.**

Currently, I possess a dearth of working video recording devices, and I require that that dearth turn into whatever the opposite of a dearth is.***

Became.
Camera.
Becamera.

So, off to the camera district! Or the camera market. Camera barrel?

I don't know where to shop for cameras.

Hopefully the camera gnomes will just leave me one in the night, like they did for that shoe guy (but with a camera instead of shoes).****

Gnome.
Omen.
Gnomen.


* How come "nothingness" gets to be a real word, while "somethingness" gets underlined by the spellchecker?

Not enough spellcheckeriness to go around?

Why can't there be everythingness for everybodifragilisticexpialadocious?

Nonsensical.
Cyclical.
Nonsensyclical.


** A thing that cords cams, if its name is to be taken literally.

Names.
Messy.
Namessy.


*** Scramble the letters in "dearth," and it becomes a "thread," moving towards "the rad" or "d' heart."
(Make sure to avoid turning to "hatred.")

Plan.
Anagram.
Planagram.


**** I almost said I wished the camera FAIRY would come instead of gnomes.

But since the Tooth Fairy takes teeth AWAY, I don't know what the camera fairy would do, given that I already have zero cameras.

I'd end up with negative one cameras, logically.

(I guess the fairy would have to make a camera out of stuff that I own already that I could have created a camera with, like some sort of reverse MacGuyver.)

MacGuyver.
Reverse.
MacGuyverse.

Palindromedary

Palindrome.
Dromedary.
Palindromedary.

Camel-like. Kill'em. Ac!

Llama.
Maul.
Llamaul.*


* This is prevented from being another palindrome (or two) only by the unfortunate arbitrariness of spelling in the English language...

Llama. Mall.
Llamall.

Damn you, homophones!

Traitor.
Orthography.
Traitorthography.


(See also Alpacamel.)

Debriss

Debris.
Briss.
Debriss.

The piece of waste that remains after a ceremonial circumcision.

Shalom.
Omission.
Shalomission.

You might also call it a "circumcised baby."

Infant.
Anti-Climactic.
Infanti-Climactic.

Guitarget

Guitar.
Target.
Guitarget.

The spot on the floor where rock stars aim to smash their instruments.

Mandolin.
Linoleum.
Mandolinoleum.

A process that was secretly put into being and encouraged by a covert conspiratorial cadre of instrument-makers, who then get more business as a result.

Wood breaking? Music to their ears.

Freemason.
Sonorousness.
Freemasonorousness.

Bootlegacy

Bootleg.
Legacy.
Bootlegacy.

Technology keeps changing the world.*

It used to be that you could either buy a band's albums or see them live.

Concert.
Certainty.
Concertainty.

Or, if you were super lucky, you might find a rare copy of a live show that someone managed to secretly record.

Fortune.
Unilateral.
Fortunilateral.

Today, that special feeling doesn't exist anymore, because with cellphone cameras and digital devices, every event can be captured, rendering none of them as special.

What's next?

Futuristic.
Sticky.
Futuristicky.

Soon, I presume that literally everything will have the capacity to record: eyeball implants, trees that are also cameras, government satellites that work (this last one is a stretch, I mean, something of the government WORKING? am I right? to make this tired joke?).

Computer.
Terrible.
Computerrible.

So all of life will be spontaneously uploading and downloading so that everyone can experience everything at any time.

Ubiquitous.
Tussle.
Ubiquitussle.

Right now, we've got the world wide web; this will be the web-wide world.
(Same abbreviation.)**

No one will have to get anything, because everyone will have everything. And nothing.***

We will all be as one.

Which is pretty zen.

An Asian philosophy, brought to us by Asian technology.

But don't forget about the contribution of good old-fashioned American stereotyping!

Yin Yang.
Angry.
Yin Yangry.


* And the world keeps changing technology.

Ooh.

Revolutionary.
Arithmetic.
Revolutionarithmetic.


** Also, by the way, the very worst abbreviation possible.
World, wide, and web are all one-syllable words.
"W" is the only THREE-syllable letter.
It actually takes three times as long to say "double-you double-you double-you" as it does to say "world wide web."

If I could have named it, I would have called it something like the "Earth high-speed network," because then that four-syllable phrase could be easily abbreviated with one syllable: "ehn."

Efficiency.
Seize the Day!
Efficienceize the Day!


*** Which means that Seinfeld's popularity will soar once again.

(Not that it ever dropped that far, but it may have been gliding at a lower altitude.)

Seinfeld.
Felled.
Seinfelled.

Expedietary

Expedite.
Dietary.
Expedietary.

A get-rich-quick scheme and a get-thin-quick scheme combined:

Stop buying food!

As religious groups say, abstinence is the only method that's 100%.

Starvin'.
Vindication.
Starvindication.

Nipplethora

Nipple.
Plethora.
Nipplethora.

More than two.

Quantity.
Titties.
Quantitties.

Manhattenacious

Manhattan.
Tenacious.
Manhattenacious.

If you can make it there, you'll make it anywhere.

But if you CAN'T make it there, you'll have to make do elsewhere.

That's the part Frank didn't sing to everyone.

Sinatra.
Tragedy.
Sinatragedy.

Decrepituitary

Decrepit.
Pituitary.
Decrepituitary.

A gland that has gotten too old and run-down to secrete hormones regulating homeostasis, including tropic hormones that stimulate other glands, according to Wikipedia.*

Octogenarian.
Endocrine.
Octogenariendocrine.


* Who needs school anymore!?

(Should the exclamation point go AFTER the question mark there, or does that look right?
I guess school is still necessary after all.)

Punctuated.
Education.
Punctuateducation.

Sam-I-Ambulance

Sam-I-Am.
Ambulance.
Sam-I-Ambulance.

Where that guy would have ended up if he had been bothering ME as much as he did in that book.

"Look! I keep telling you, I'm a VEGAN! I don't eat eggs OR ham!
(I do like 'green' though.)"

Which would lead to the irony wherein I would cause someone pain because they don't respect my lifestyle of not causing anyone pain.

Vegan.
Anxiety.
Veganxiety.

Bummerriage

Bummer.
Marriage.
Bummerriage.

You know the old joke, "A horse walks into a bar and is asked 'Why the long face?'"

Well, here's an adapation: "A man walks into a wedding and is asked 'Why the long face?' and he says, 'Because I'm in the bridle party.'"

Sequin.
Equine.
Sequine.

Here's the thing--I thought that the man in that joke would be me this weekend because I had been asked to be a groomsman in a good friend's wedding...

My position necessitated my arrival at 1pm for an affair that would not end until the next day began.

The actual wedding ceremony was to occur at 7pm, pictures were scheduled for between 4-6pm, and the photographer wasn't even going to arrive until 2pm. So, 1pm it was for the groomsmen!

Chronology.
Geez.
Chronologeez.

Sure, we did need a little time to change into our fancy duds*, especially when not accustomed to wearing such gear...

Tuxedo.
Don't.
Tuxedon't.

...but I couldn't imagine what would fill the hours called for by our itinerary.

I expected that just like the horse-man of the joke that started this post, the length of my face would correspond directly with the length of the day's preparations.

Centaur.
Torture.
Centorture.

But as it turned out, I was pleasantly mistaken.

While the groomsmen did indeed have to arrive super-early...

Super.
Early.
Supearly.

...we were immediately whisked away to the game room, where we were greeted by food, drink, pool, cards, shuffleboard, darts, music, etc.**

Merriment.
Entirely.
Merrimentirely.

And that's what ended up filling all those hours, as well as my stomach.
(I ate a lot of shuffleboard and darts that day.***)

Ultimately, the wedding was a complete success; nobody accidentally lost/dropped/swallowed the rings, nobody said the wrong name during the ceremony, etc.****

And my worries that the day would be a chore disappeared just like the illusion of an oasis does in the mind of a thirst-crazed desert-wanderer who ends up eating sand.*****

No bum marriage here.

Bummer.
Mirage.
Bummirage.


* "Duds" meaning "fancy clothes," and not "things that don't explode."
Though to be fair, our fancy clothes did not explode.

Cummerbund.
Bungled.
Cummerbungled.


** I threw in that "etc." to make it seem like there was more to that list, when in fact I believe I exhausted every item that could have been on it.

I can't lie to you.

Honesty.
Estimate.
Honestimate.


*** Sure, they might have tasted a bit gamy. Eh? Gamy? Eh?
(And yes, that joke might be a bit hard to swallow or stomach, but try comparing it to how you'd feel eating darts. About the same? Perfect.)

Wordplay.
Plate.
Wordplate.


**** Because the wedding didn't take place in a romantic comedy or a "Friends" episode.
This is real life, people.

Nuptial.
Allegedly.
Nuptiallegedly.


***** At least in Bugs Bunny cartoons.

Bunny.
Near-Death Experience.
Bunnear-Death Experience.

Pinoir

Pinot.
Noir.
Pinoir.

A quicker way to order wine, for the drunk on the go.

Wino.
Knowledge.
Winowledge.

R2Detour

R2D2.
Detour.
R2Detour.

Taking an alternate route because of a beeping droid in the way.

You beep back at first, but then notice that there's a reason for the delay.

Chewbacca.
Accident.
Chewbaccident.

There's an old guy directing traffic...

Obi-Wan.
One-Way.
Obi-Won-Way.

...by waving a big lit-up stick...

Light Sabre.
Breakdown Lane.
Light Sabreakdown Lane.

...but that still doesn't help your commute go any quicker.

Jedi.
Disaster.
Jedisaster.


(See also C3PO'ed.)

Newtiny

Newton.
Mutiny.
Newtiny.

An uprising against the rule of law of gravity.

"What goes up must come down" is going DOWN.

(Which it must, according to itself, because Newton brought it UP.)

Gravity.
Vitriol.
Gravitriol.

Swashbuckleptomaniac

Swashbuckle.
Kleptomaniac.
Swashbuckleptomaniac.

Someone who can't help but steal swords from pirates.

Which usually requires having a sword and excellent swashbuckling skills to begin with.

But how do you acquire those without already having a sword?

It's a bit of a double-edged sword.
(A double-edged sword that the klepto would first purchase, in order to avoid this circularity.)

Blade.
Adept.
Bladept.

Bidetente

Bidet.
Detente.
Bidetente.

A peace in the war on unclean nether regions.

Nether.
Hereabouts.
Nethereabouts.

Drinkling

Drink.
Inkling.
Drinkling.

Right between consciousness and blacking out, when you know you've had too much alcohol but are starting to forget everything including that.

Drunk.
Unconscious.
Drunconscious.

Possummation

Possum.
Summation.
Possummation.

Playing dead listening to a boring speech until the recap at the end.

Conked.
Conclusion.
Conkedclusion.

Disgustingy

Disgusting.
Stingy.
Disgustingy.

I've kept a couple blog ideas to myself in the past, not sharing them because they might have been a little gross or not exactly what I wanted to put forth here, but I decided to be open and honest and uncensored about them, so you're welcome or I'm sorry.

Bulimia.
Emaciated.
Bulimaciated.

Fairly self-explanatory, not too bad.

Barfing.
Fingers.
Barfingers.

A little worse?

Just one more...

Clandestine.
Stink.
Clandestink.

A silent fart.

(I don't even think that one's particularly hard to handle, but it's more just the fact that it's a fart joke that I'm ashamed of. Can one be creative with this bodily function? Carlin certainly discussed it at great length over his critically acclaimed career. Not that I'm saying my fart jokes are on par with his fart jokes. But at least a standard exists, perhaps.)

Fart.
Artsy.
Fartsy.

Nonsensus

Nonsense.
Census.
Nonsensus.

A good friend of mine who does improv comedy is working for the 2010 census.

The job is to locate places that people live and find out who they are, and his comedic training really helps out.

He just wanders the streets asking for non-geographical locations.

Then when he finds people, he asks them for their relationship.

Also, he acquired the job by going into the census office and saying "Give me an occupation!"

Whim.
Improv.
Whimprov.

Towelt

Towel.
Welt.
Towelt.

A bruise resulting from rat-tailing.

Rodent.
Dented.
Rodented.

Albump

Album.
Bump.
Albump.

Just a reminder that I will be recording my comedy CD at a live comedy show at Comix TONIGHT, Monday, May 18 at 8pm.

Comedy.
Dynamite!
Comedynamite!


See also Comedification.

Alaskannie

Alaskan.
Annie.
Alaskannie.

A musical featuring the hit song, "The sun'll come out... in August."

Solar.
Aria.
Solaria.

Yogre

Yoga.
Ogre.
Yogre.

A big oaf who smells up the studio, to the point where you want to commit pre-meditated murder.

Or post-meditated murder.

Shrek.
Reckoning.
Shreckoning.

Prompetition

Prom.
Competition.
Prompetition.

Last night I did my second 3:30am after-prom comedy show.
(You might call it my sophomore prom performance, if I only do four and each represents a year of high school.
But why would you or I do this or that?*)

Sophomore.
Moratorium.
Sophomoratorium.

This one was definitely better than the first one I did.
(Which wouldn't have taken much, but actually did give lots more than much.**)

Extra.
Transaction.
Extransaction.

So, future me is winning the war against past me.
(Where the battleground is a minefield of potentially unhappy students who could explode at any moment. Or fall asleep.)

Sleepy.
Epic.
Sleepic.

And that's the way you want it...
When your future fights your past, you want the future to kick ass.
(It's a rhyme that sounds logical, so it MUST be true.)

Logic.
Iconic.
Logiconic.


* I know, I'm the one that brought it up.
(It's what I do. Bring things up and then smash them down.)

Hypocrite.
Ritual.
Hypocritual.


** Make sense much?
What I'm saying is, the show was good.
(Way better than my conveying of this message, in fact.)

Sensible.
Bleary.
Sensibleary.


(See also Promenada.)

Hippiety

Hippie.
Piety.
Hippiety.

Yesterday in Central Park, I was playing frisbee and hackysack with some friends, and an Orthodox Jew happened upon us.

He asked us if we were Jewish, and when he found out who among us was, he offered Sabbath candles and blessings and asked if we wanted to pray with him.

Which I think demonstrates a difference between particularly religious Jews and particularly religious folks of other faiths--non-Jews often go out preaching and trying to convert others, while Jews will simply try to convert their own.

Jew.
Jehovah's Witnesses.
Jewhovah's Witnesses.*


* As in...

Knock knock.
Jews there.

Jew.
Jew who?

Jewhovah.

Zombifido

Zombified.
Fido.
Zombifido.

An even scarier Cujo, back from the dead.

Canine.
Inescapable.
Caninescapable.

Breakfasthma

Breakfast.
Asthma.
Breakfasthma.

The most important breathing problem of the day.

Emphysema.
Meal.
Emphysemeal.

Sorrizona

Sorry.
Arizona.
Sorrizona.

I went on ABC News Now earlier today. So not now anymore. Before. I went on ABC News Now before. Understand?

They asked me about ASU's decision not to give Obama an honorary degree, and how I felt about it, because he seemed fine with it.

My girlfriend is actually from Arizona and, in preparation for my appearance (before Now, or before then, if you will), told me that Arizona was one of the last states to recognize MLK's birthday as a holiday, and then only because they were afraid they couldn't have the Superbowl if they didn't.

That said, she pointed out that it's difficult to get an honorary degree if you don't have any honor.

So, she said that before Now, so that I could say it on Now, and now that it's later (after Now), I just wanted to clear something up, because the person interviewing me said "ouch" and apologized to their Arizona listeners.

And I wanted to apologize for a couple things:

1) For saying on air "no offense," because that's lame.
2) For NOT saying on air that this point had come from a smart person FROM Arizona.
3) For not having a third thing to apologize for.
4) For creating a paradox that may destroy the universe but hasn't yet, it seems.

That's all.

ASU.
Sucka.
A SUcka.

(Seriously, no offense.)

Bathero

Bathe.
Hero.
Bathero.

Once as a kid, I went to bathe and forgot to take my shirt off first.

And it was a Superman shirt, which basically amplified how NOT super I was being.

Though in fairness, Superman's powers DID develop one at a time...
Flying came last, preceded by heat and X-ray vision, which appeared in turn after super speed, strength, and intelligence necessary to get undressed fully before bathing.

Shampoo.
Powers.
Shampowers.

Insomnivore

Insomnia.
Omnivore.
Insomnivore.

Someone who stays up all night eating everything.

Bed.
Edible.
Bedible.

Which might explain difficulty sleeping, if you've eaten your bed.

(Though that wouldn't cover why it kept you up the first night BEFORE you ate it.)

Stalemate.
Mattress.
Stalemattress.

Ethiccups

Ethics.
Hiccups.
Ethiccups.

If a blessing is the right way to respond to a sneeze, what's the right response for the hiccups?

Answer: a scaring.

So, a spooky blessing should cover any bodily function.

Cue the holy ghost.

Pray.
Wraith.
Praith.


(See also Sasquachoo.)

Ashleep

Asleep.
Sheep.
Ashleep.

What do these guys count when they have insomnia?

Each other?

What if they don't have any sheep friends, no one they can count (on), and that's what's keeping them up at night?

Ewe.
Awake.
Ewake.

ToFu Manchu

Tofu.
Fu Manchu.
ToFu Manchu.

A fake mustache made of soy.

(As opposed to mutton chops, say.)

Meat.
Mustache.
Meatstache.

Stenchanted

Stench.
Enchanted.
Stenchanted.

Love at first scent.

Which is what love at first sight REALLY consists of, pheromone-style.

Aroma.
Romance.
Aromance.


(See also Catastropheromone.)

Tobaccolades

Tobacco.
Accolades.
Tobaccolades.

I just read that of adolescents who try cigarettes, only one-third of them go on to become regular smokers.

Which makes sense*, given that a synonym for that age group makes up only one-third of the name of tobacco's addictive agent.**

Nicotine.
Teenager.
Nicoteenager.


* It makes sense if language correlates to reality in random ways, that is.

Arbitrary.
Rarity.
Arbitrarity.

** Syllabically, that is.

Spelling-wise, it makes up half.

But most people care more about speaking than writing, right? (He asked, in writing.)

Bore.
Orthography.
Borethography.

Molestrogen

Molest.
Estrogen.
Molestrogen.

Statistics show that there are fewer female pedophiles than males.

And not just because women aren't allowed to become priests.

Female.
Alleluia.
Femalleluia.

And I don't mean to rub salt in any stigmata with tired Catholic jokes.
(See? New twist!)

I know they've been beaten to death, but the church is usually the first one to support the idea of things coming back from the dead.

Zombie.
Bee's Knees.
Zombie's Knees.

What if Jesus rose from the grave and told the Pope he's fired (for sexist hiring practices, if not the pedophile scandals)?

Vatican.
Canned.
Vaticanned.

Or at least if he could return to create a porn magazine that religious folks could use as a substitute for the real wronging of women and children.

Repent.
Penthouse.
Repenthouse.


(See also Religionesty.)

Gastrickery

Gastric.
Trickery.
Gastrickery.

Bypass surgery convinces stomachs that they don't need as much food.

Stomach.
Magic.
Stomagic.

Like pulling a rabbit out of a hat.

Or more like pulling a hunger out of the body.

Both, if the person used to eat a lot of rabbits.

Bunny.
Eaten.
Bunneaten.

Watermelongevity

Watermelon.
Longevity.
Watermelongevity.

A working title for Gallagher's autobiography.

His life, in a nutshell.

Or in a melon rind.

Canteloupe.
Open-Minded.
Cantelopen-Minded.

Handbasketchy

Handbasket.
Sketchy.
Handbasketchy.

Details are hazy as to why this is a means of traveling to hell.

Hades.
Destination.
Hadestination.

Even less information is available as to what sort of basket one takes to get to heaven, or if baskets are involved at all.

Heaven.
Eventual.
Heaventual.

If baskets ARE involved, then obviously split up your eggs between the hell-bound basket and the heaven-bound one.

Segregate.
Eggs.
Eggregate.

Because while all DOGS may go to heaven*, all unborn chickens apparently do not.

Omelet.
Letdown.
Omeletdown.


* Actually untrue.
At least one dog definitively does not go to heaven: Cerberus, guard of the gates of hell.

Canine.
Nein!
Canein!

Tofunny

Tofu.
Funny.
Tofunny.

This was the name of the first all-vegan comedy show that took place in Somerville, MA this weekend as part of the AltCom Festival.

Alternative.
Nativity.
Alternativity.*

Thanks to everyone for coming out, and especially for not asking how to pronounce the name of the show out loud (as it's a combo that can really fall apart when not written).

Phonetic.
Etiquette.
Phonetiquette.


* Not that this festival had anything to do with the birth of Jesus (that I know of), but an alternate version of the nativity scene would be one that DIDN'T involve Jesus, just like this festival mostly didn't (that I know of).

Jesus.
Useless.
Jesuseless.

Also, while "AltCom" may be a fine combination, it doesn't quite abide our rules.

Alternative
Comedy.
AltCom.

Neptunafish

Neptune.
Tunafish.
Neptunafish.

God of the chicken of the sea.

Omnipotent.
Poultry.
Omnipoultrent.

Which came first, the chicken or the god?

The god, I'd imagine.

Not the chicken who probably can't even imagine the god.

B'gok!
God.
B'God!

Unless the fact that the god is imagined means it never came at all.

You win again, chicken. You win again.

(And you weren't even IN this fight. It was tuna's battle, remember?)

Fish.
Shy.
Fishy.


(See also Pacifiction.)

Garafaloha

Garafalo.
Aloha.
Garafaloha.

I met Janeane last night.

She was very nice, even though I did not open with a combination of her last name and a Hawaiian greeting.

(Maybe BECAUSE I did not open with a combination of her last name and a Hawaiian greeting.)

I know how to live life in the real world, people.

I can make reasonable and appropriate choices between different options.

Janeane.
Eeny Meeny Miney Moe.
Janeeny Meeny Miney Moe.

Militarrying

Military.
Tarrying.
Militarrying.

I heard a guy say he wanted the troops coming home in one piece.

I'd rather they come home in as many pieces as there are troops.

Not just one piece, like one big ball of troop, or even an unstoppable force made of all the troops combined.

Voltron.
Troop.
Voltroop.

Hungovery

Hungover.
Very.
Hungovery.

If I were, I wouldn't have the wherewithal to write this.

(I wouldn't even have the wherewithal to come up with the word "wherewithal.")

Wherewithal.
Hallelujah.
Wherewithallelujah.

I've only been VERY hungover twice in my life, because after the first time, I swore I would never let it happen again, it was so horrible.

Then I forgot, hence the second time.

Forgetful.
Foolish.
Forgetfoolish.

Did you know, Savannah is one of the few places in the country where you can take a to-go cup of alcohol outside of a bar, legally?

I should have taken advantage of that law.

Because that would have taken me AWAY from the bar and its free drinks which would lead to the ultimate battle the next morning between my brain and my stomach, a painful battle over whether more fluids should be allowed in to replenish those lost (the brain's desire, in order to diminish the pain) or whether no fluid should ever be allowed to enter the body and stay there again (the stomach's desire, as it had been burned by certain fluids the night before).

Fluid.
Idiot.
Fluidiot.

So, let this be a lesson to you. Or to me, at least.

If you swear never to do something ever again, remember that you swore not to do it.

Especially if the the thing that you swore not to do is the sort of thing that would attack your capacity to remember even more in the future.

Memory.
Moratorium.
Memoratorium.

Derogatorah

Derogatory.
Torah.
Derogatorah.

The books of the Bible written by your stereotypical Jewish mother that tell you how you never write or call enough.

Parental.
Talmud.
Parentalmud.

Robat Mitzvah

Robot.
Bat Mitzvah.
Robat Mitzvah.

The day a female robot becomes a man.

Tron.
Transexual.
Tronsexual.


(See also Babar Mitzvah.)

Grownuptials

Grownup.
Nuptials.
Grownuptials.

Some cultures have people getting engaged when they're children.

What must it be like to picture a wedding so young?

Probably they imagine someone like He-Man officiating it.

e.g. "By the power (of Grayskull) invested in me, I now pronounce you man* and cooties-haver."

Marriages.
Gist.
Marriagist.


* Why pronounce the man "man"? Isn't that what he is already?
Is it He-Man's fault? Did he-he start it?
Did someone pronounce him "He" and "Man"?
No man is an island, sure, but a He-Man might be a happening peninsula.

Happening.
Peninsula.
Happeninsula.

Or perhaps the LADY doth protest too much.

Scramble the letters in He-Man and you get "Me? Nah."

Does this mean anything? Probably not. But what DOES mean anything?

Orthography.
Feelings.
Orthographeelings.

Creditched

Credit.
Ditched.
Creditched.

I lost my Amazon Visa card tonight.

I believe I left it at a restaurant, but just in case it was actually stolen by a criminal who was too lazy to use it immediately, I had the credit card company put it on temporary hold.

So, sorry, vegetarian establishment where I left the card--you can't start funding new tofu technologies on MY dime*, try some OTHER business model.

(Maybe the one you were already using that seems to be thriving--charging large amounts of money for small amounts of food.)

Vegan.
Entrepeneur.
Vegentrepeneur.

I wonder though, if I hadn't put the card on hold, and someone had run up loads of charges on MY quarter**, would I be able to cash in the Amazon gift credits that ensued before claiming (legitimately) that I wasn't responsible?

It wouldn't be the first time I got something for nothing from Amazon, but that's a story for another day (after the statute of limitations has expired--talk to you guys in seven years, or however many the real number is***).

Amazon.
Exonerated.
Amazonerated.


* Not my actual credit limit. I'm doing pretty well.

Switcheroo.
Roosevelt.
Switcheroosevelt.


** Also not my actual credit limit. But closer.

Washington.
Tonnage.
Washingtonnage.


*** If there IS a real number... because maybe there's no crime at all, just artistic license.

Or maybe there's an astute artistic criminal that you can learn from, if you know the right questions not to ask (until the right time).

Statute.
Tutelage.
Statutelage.

Cinnaminfluence

Cinnamon.
Influence.
Cinnaminfluence.

Something that you can detect in the flavor of certain pastries.

Baker.
Aroma.
Bakeroma.

Pregnantics

Pregnant.
Antics.
Pregnantics.

Once upon a time, I broke up with a girl and she cried.

A week later, she came to me and told me that she was as pregnant as her eyes had been with tears the week before. *

Uterus.
Irises.
Utirises.

So the breakup was put on hold, while we planned for the birth...
the birth of our futures on the day that pregnancy would be ended, of course.

This was not a decision made lightly.
This girl was a practicing Catholic; she practiced nearly every part of the faith and was great at almost all of it.

So she came to a decision that I supported (I am pro-woman).

Preparing.
Ringleader.
Preparingleader.

But the day before that decision was to come to fruition (or was to undo a previous coming to fruition), something happened.

She told me that she fell down the stairs, went to the doctor, and found out that she was no longer pregnant.

So, the something that happened was actually either three things (stairs, doctor, finding), OR one different thing: she lied to me.

I didn't realize it at the time, because I was a trusting human being, but the timing of it all seems in hindsight to be MIGHTY convenient.

Timing.
Ingenious.
Timingenious.

Plus, I might have been ignoring other signs, such as her asking questions like "Does this fake pregnancy make me look fat?"

Obese.
OB-GYN.
OBese-GYN.

I've heard that sometimes couples will have a baby to keep their relationship alive. But apparently, that only works when the baby is alive, too. And real. (And also this doesn't work.)

So we broke up again. And this time the breakup was as real as the baby wasn't. And everyone who was alive lived happily ever after.

Fairy Tale.
Retelling.
Fair Retelling.


* She didn't put it that way. I'm sure hers was more poetic.

Sub-Par.
Paraphrase.
Sub-Paraphrase.

Pancreassurance

Pancreas.
Reassurance.
Pancreassurance.

"Your neighbor will be just fine, Mr. Gallbladder...
But next time, just think more about how much bile you're spewing."

Anthropomorphic.
Organs.
Anthropomorgans.

Stigmatari

Stigmata.
Atari.
Stigmatari.

A video game so awesome you play it until you bleed from the crucifixion wounds.

Sorry, Sega Genesis, you're not the only system with a biblical name now.

Psalm.
Palm Pilot.
Psalm Pilot.

Wallettuce

Wallet.
Lettuce.
Wallettuce.

Money.

(Especially for a vegan.)

Dispatched.
Cheddar.
Dispatcheddar.

Colonoscopycat

Colonoscopy.
Copycat.
Colonoscopycat.

A procedure very similar to a colonoscopy, but not quite.

Be careful out there.

Or in there.

(I would have left that last line out, but I'm sure that only would have encouraged people to insert their own joke, then make their own jokes about insertion, and I wanted to shoulder all of the responsibility here for this entire atrocity, including additional jokes about the "shoulder" not being the body part in question. See? I let no one else be the butt of any jokes; I take it all on, with this comedy dying for all of your sins.)

Proctology.
Jesus.
Proctologesus.

Turtelepathy

Turtle.
Telepathy.
Turtelepathy.

Reading minds, but very slowly.

Possibly to the point where it might be more effective just to listen to what someone is saying.

Especially if it's the person you're in a relationship with, who's sick of you listening to what they THINK instead of what they SAY.

Precognition.
Nitpicking.
Precognitpicking.

Memoirresponsible

Memoir.
Irresponsible.
Memoirresponsible.

I never read autobiographies, because they're a rip-off.

They purport to be an account of a person's life, but it's never the person's WHOLE life, because after they finish writing it, they keep living longer and do more stuff.

And it seems unreasonable for an autobiography to require a sequel.
(Except in situations of someone who remembers past lives.)

Reincarnation.
National Bestseller.
Reincarnational Bestseller.

So, I would read an autobiography under only two conditions:

1) The author promises never to do anything interesting after the book is finished.

2) The author kills themself right as they finish.

Option two seems the purest, most trustworthy way to guarantee that you're getting the whole story.

(Unless there is an afterlife, in which case I would hope that the author's ghost writer would provide the necessary details after the fact.)

Superimposed.
Posthumously.
Superimposthumously.

JPEGasus

JPEG.
Pegasus.
JPEGasus.

Picture of a flying horse.

Probably photo-shopped.

Or a mislabeled shot of a FALLING horse, which looks similar to a flying horse for a brief period.

Adobe.
Obituary.
Adobituary.

Entanglementanglementanglement

Entanglement.
Entanglement.
Entanglement.
Entanglementanglementanglement.

A tough one to get out of.

Complex.
Extraction.
Complextraction.

(See also Recursivery.)

Ambulancelot

Ambulance.
Lancelot.
Ambulancelot.

The modern-day equivalent of a knight in shining armor that might not protect you BEFORE you get hurt, but helps out after the fact.

My hERo.

Macho.
Hospital.
Machospital.

Hardcoverboard

Hardcover.
Overboard.
Hardcoverboard.

When a book is first released as a hardback, that uses much more paper than if it were released initially as a softcover.

Then, even more paper is wasted when the paperback comes out.

If I have my way, I will turn the literary world upside-down by releasing the smaller, softer, more environmentally friendly version of books right away.

THEN, if people really hate the environment, they can special-order extra-large hard-backed versions of the book a year later.
(If you hate, you have to wait. That will be this program's catchphrase.)

Paperback.
Backwards.
Paperbackwards.

Hearsayonara

Hearsay.
Sayonara.
Hearsayonara.

Gossip of an unverified good-bye.

Rumor.
Arrivederci.
Rumorrivederci.

Pentagrammar

Pentagram.
Grammar.
Pentagrammar.

If you want to summon the devil, it's important to chant the incantation correctly.

That's why so many educated people end up going to hell.

PHD.
Hades.
PHaDes.

Upchuckle

Upchuck.
Chuckle.
Upchuckle.

Laughing until you vomit.

Gagging.
Giggling.
Gaggiggling.

Promenada

Promenade.
Nada.
Promenada.

At 3am today, I performed for a comedy club full of kids who had just come from their high school proms. Exciting!

Dance.
Antsy.
Dantsy.

You see, comedy clubs provide an important service: preventing underage drinking and providing a late-night venue for these kids that is not a hotel room.

Marriott.
Riotous.
Marriottous.

Because teenagers having sex is usually just a last resort activity, after all possible comedy options have been exhausted, when they just end up settling for some wacky bedroom antics which follow the less hilarious opening act of the hotel staff.*

Bellhop.
Hopeless.
Bellhopeless.

So I did my duty today in the fight against teen pregnancy.

Unless you count my impregnating them with a laughter fetus that incubated immediately and repeatedly.

Talk about hysterical pregnancies. (Boom.)

Guffaw.
Awesome.
Guffawesome.


* Hotel "staff" not at all intended to be a play on words that could imply the hotel staff are being inappropriate with the children.

Unless there are hotels running secret child sex rings (then pun coincidentally intended).

Brothel.
Hilton.
Brothilton.

Cerebellumberjack

Cerebellum.
Lumberjack.
Cerebellumberjack.

A guy who uses his head to chop down trees.

Bunyan.
Analysis.
Bunyanalysis.

Marathong

Marathon.
Thong.
Marathong.

Poor choice of garment for a race that long.

Underwear.
Weary.
Underweary.

Nevadamant

Nevada.
Adamant.
Nevadamant.

The governor there has vowed to veto domestic partnership legislation.

I vow to veto that governor. (If that means anything.)

Veto.
Tool.
Vetool.

Nymphomercial

Nympho.
Infomercial.
Nymphomercial.

The kind of ad they run really late at night.

(Generally geared towards people who are up and busy not being in a relationship.)

Advertising.
Single.
Advertisingle.

Chlamydiamonds

Chlamydia.
Diamonds.
Chlamydiamonds.

NOT a girl's best friend.

(Nor man's best friend. That's a dog.
Ideally a dog with no STDs either.)

Canine.
Infected.
Caninfected.

Effidgety

Effigy.
Fidgety.
Effidgety.

Feeling nervous because people are burning you in doll-form.

But look on the bright side--they're not burning YOU.

Plus, the doll doesn't feel any pain.

Mannequin.
Win-Win.
Mannequin-Win

Tractortoise

Tractor.
Tortoise.
Tractortoise.

Worst possible choice in plowing your land.

Farmer.
Error.
Farmerror.

Albanished

Albany.
Banished.
Albanished.

Did a show last night in Troy, NY.

Afterwards, I was told that I shouldn't hang around the streets of Troy after dark, because it was "like the Bronx," and that if I wanted to have fun and be safe, I would have to do that in Albany.

So I went to Albany and mugged people for fun, safely.

Criminal.
Minimal.
Criminimal.

Spellcheckler

Spellcheck.
Heckler.
Spellcheckler.

When Microsoft Word yells at you because it doesn't get your style.

Capitalize this, punctuate that, format this, need help with that?
LET ME JUST DO MY ACT!

Main difference between computer and living person heckling:
real life heckler is probably doing so because they're drunk.
robot heckler is probably doing so because YOU're drunk.*

Alcohol.
Asshole.
Alc-Hole.**


* Oh, you don't like that I capitalized the "YOU" but not the "re" in "YOU're," eh, Blogger program?
It's called artistic license, asshole.

Artistic.
Ticked Off.
Artisticked Off.

(I'm not really angry or drunk right now--and this is actually a perfect example of the situation I'm describing here.
So thanks, computer.
Sometimes we CAN work together, to demonstrate how sometimes we CAN'T work together.)

Robo.
Bonding.
Robonding.


** "Alc-Hole" doesn't follow this website's standard rules for combining words that I routinely break anyway, but it seems like too useful a word to ignore.

e.g. "Is that guy nice?"
"He's fine when he's sober, but he can be a real Alc-Hole."

Unnecessary.
Explanation.
Unnecexplanation.

Miyagit-R-Done

Miyagi.
Git-R-Done.
Miyagit-R-Done.*

How Larry the Cable Guy attained enlightenment.

Buddha.
Hardly.
Buddhardly.


* A sad state of technological affairs:
This program does not recognize the word "Miyagi," but has no problem with "Git-R-Done."

Priority.
Typos.
Prioritypos.

Plumpire

Plump.
Umpire.
Plumpire.

Someone who really benefits from the vertical stripes.

Referee.
Really Fat.
Refereally Fat.

Faucet Cetera

Faucet.
Et Cetera.
Faucet Cetera.

Everything you don't need to know about your home's system of pipes and gutters.

Plumber.
Boring.
Plumboring.

It just goes in one ear and out the other, just like water through your home's system of pipes and gutters.*

(Or not, you weren't paying attention, remember?).

Brain.
Rainwater.
Brainwater.


* Do pipes and gutters even go together? With faucets? Again, who knows or cares?

Aquifer.
Forget.
Aquiforget.


(See also FAqua.)

Victimpani

Victim.
Timpani.
Victimpani.

A drum that is beaten.

Whimper.
Percussion.
Whimpercussion.

Impromptooey

Impromptu.
Ptooey.
Impromptooey.

A spontaneous spit.

Slobber.
Burst.
Slobburst.

Ignorrors

Ignore.
Horrors.
Ignorrors.

What needs to be done to enjoy life sometimes.

There's a lot of bad stuff going on all the time.

Genocide, poverty, sickness, starvation, war, torture, Dopey.*

It can be a downer to think about it all, so just do what you can to fight it or at least avoid contributing to it (donate money and food, don't get people sick, heal them if you can, don't torture or genocide people, you know, whatever you can manage), but then try not to let it bog you down.

Amnesia.
Easy-Going.
Amneasy-Going.


* The seven dwarves in a gritty new remake of Snow White.

Disney.
Sneer.
Disneer.

Relaxtion

Relax.
Action.
Relaxtion.

I sat in a Japanese garden today and got my zen on.*

Meditation.
Stationary.
Medistationary.

There was a giant bonsai tree. Maybe you'd just call it a tree.

Bonsai.
Sizable.
Bonsaizable.

Anything I was feeling unhinged about was completely washed away by the sun and shade and all-around soothing nature of nature.**

Soothing.
Hinged.
Soothinged.

Well done, Japanese.
Technology, martial arts, sushi, AND peaceful gardens?
What next?

Probably a robot that makes vegetable sushi out of a garden by using karate.

Robot.
Botanical.
Robotanical.

And/or...

Ninjitsu.
Sushi.
Ninjitsushi.


* Not my xenon, my zen on.

Though because xenon is a colorless, odorless gas, I suppose it's possible that I was getting that also.

And xenon IS used in some anesthetics, so that wouldn't conflict with a state of meditation.

Though it's also used in flash lamps, which might.

It's a versatile element.

Xenon.
Noncommittal.
Xenoncommittal.


** Anything including the mixed metaphor of being washed by the sun.

Dried? Of course.
But it was probably just drying sweat that it caused itself.
Hero and villain in one.

See? Zen.

Sunny.
Neato.
Sunneato.

Tabula Rasshole

Tabula Rasa.
Asshole.
Tabula Rasshole.

When someone gets a clean slate but they're still a jerk.

New Beginning.
Nincompoop.
New Beginnincompoop.

Blackbeardrums

Blackbeard.
Eardrums.
Blackbeardrums.

What do you say to the pirate making you walk the plank?

Crossbones.
Bon Voyage.
Crossbon Voyage.

Netflickety-Split

Netflix.
Lickety-Split.
Netflickety-Split.

This service has a feature that allows you to view non-stop an unlimited quantity of movies online.

Helper.
Perpetual.
Helperpetual.

It's called "Watch Instantly," or as I say, "Watch Constantly."
(Because I am a champion at activities that require no movement.
Like creating synonyms and watching movies.*)

Cinema.
Master.
Cinemaster.

Other names the feature goes by:

Go Outside Infrequently.
Shower Reluctantly.
Interact with Others Hesitantly.
Waste Time Blatantly, Pleasantly, and Abundantly.
Ignore All Other Aspects of Life Besides Movies Predominantly.

Watcher.
Hero.
Watchero.


* Ironic that a movie is an activity that requires no movement.**
Especially given that if you scramble the letters in "movie" you get "I move."

Viewing.
Winner.
Viewinner.


** Other than visual scanning.

Mobilize.
Eyes.
Mobileyes.

Vermini-Golf

Vermin.
Mini-Golf.
Vermini-Golf.

One man's miniature playland is another rodent's full-sized golf course.

(A play on the old expression--one man's trash is another rat's dinner.)

Rodent.
Entitlement.
Rodentitlement.

Hassleep

Hassle.
Asleep.
Hassleep.

I've never had trouble sleeping, which got me into trouble once while driving.

I got a ticket for making an illegal turn, because apparently it is not lawful to go off the road, through a fence, and into a telephone pole.

Automobile.
Illegal.
Automobillegal.

Hallucinogenetic

Hallucinogen.
Genetic.
Hallucinogenetic.

Another way to speak of naturally seeing things that aren't there.

Schizophrenic.
Nickname.
Schizophrenickname.

Implicitrus

Implicit.
Citrus.
Implicitrus.

Some bags of chips indicate their flavor by saying "Hint of Lime."

That hint totally gives it away. (Where's the intrigue?)

Mystery.
Terrible.
Mysterrible.

Amoe-Bay

Amoeba.
E-Bay.
Amoe-Bay.

How much would you pay for a one-celled organism?

Well, what if I told you that you could get two for the price of one? (If you wait long enough for the asexual reproduction to kick in.)

Mitosis.
System.
Mitosystem.

Also, did Noah bring two amoebae onto the ark? Because he didn't have to!

Technicality.
Itty-Bitty.
Technicalitty-Bitty.

Smurphy's Law

Smurf.
Murphy's Law.
Smurphy's Law.

Anything that CAN go smurf, WILL go smurf.

Gargamel.
Melodrama.
Gargamelodrama.

Integeriatric

Integer.
Geriatric.
Integeriatric.

The oldest number.

Zero. (The one that was around before all the other ones.)

Makes sense that the oldest is the smallest. Happens with people also.

Prune.
Undersized.
Prunedersized.

Alivory

Alive.
Ivory.
Alivory.

Describing the way an elephant's soul lives on in its tusks after it's been killed and they've been removed.

Mammoth.
Otherworldly.
Mammotherworldly.

Just kidding, it doesn't!

Humor.
Morbid.
Humorbid.

Elephants don't have souls!

Animal.
Malformed.
Animalformed.

But don't worry, neither do people!

Phew.
Human.
Phewman.

So be nice to those soulless beasts, even though your essence won't be tortured eternally if you're not.

Spirit.
Writhing.
Spirithing.


(See also Babar Mitzvah.)

Emergeorgia

Emerge.
Georgia.
Emergeorgia.

A few hours from now, I will board a plane in NYC.

A few hours from then, I will disembark somewhere else.

Savannah.
Ahead.
Savannahead.

Then it's on to Atlanta (or as they say, "Hotlanta") and finally Athens (or as I will say, "Hot-thens," because two can play at that game).

Which is also this game, so two were actually already playing it, but separately, like dueling solitaire players, until now, when at least one of the players is aware of the other and the game becomes Duelitaire!

Playing.
Yin Yang.
Playin Yang.

Fantasymptote

Fantasy.
Asymptote.
Fantasymptote.

A line that reality approaches the limit of, but never reaches.

Limit.
Mythology.
Limithology.

Golferocious

Golfer.
Ferocious.
Golferocious.

Someone who is vicious on the fairway. (A theoretical concept.)

Like if Tiger Woods were an actual tiger. (In the woods or otherwise.)

He'd still be the best, but most of his wins would come by default.

Wherefore.
Forfeit.
Whereforfeit.

Comedification

Comedy.
Edification.
Comedification.

I will be recording a stand-up CD on May 18, 2009 at Comix in NYC.

Record.
Ordination.
Recordination.

You can be a part of it by clicking here (and then coming).

This disc will be compact and action-packed. Fact.

Compact.
Action.
Compaction.

Because while some may say that actions speak louder than words, on this night words will BE the action.

And those words will speak louder than any actions could, in an audio recording.

(Unless the action was yelling, or banging a gong, or setting off dynamite, or any number of loud things that prove my otherwise perfect analogy flawed.)

Decible.
Blemish.
Deciblemish

So, come out to the show. Hear me yell as I bang a gong with TNT.
It will be a great time.
Feel free to tell anyone else who might like to come (family, friends, strangers who seem comedy-savvy).

Volunteer.
Eardrums.
Volunteardrums.