Hawaiyne Newton.

Hawaii.
Wayne Newton.
Hawaiyne Newton.

Don Ho.

Oahu.
Who?
Oawho?

Poseihnfeld

Posehn.
Seinfeld.
Poseihnfeld.

A cross between comedians Brian and Jerry.

"What's the deal with death metal? There's no death, and there's no metal!"

"Actually, the guitars have some metal."

"Oh. Okay then. What's the deal with comic books? They're not books, and they're not comics!"

"They're both, actually."

"Oh. Okay. What's the deal with this joke going on so long?"

"THERE you go."

Comedian.
Dying.
Comedying.

Tutuba

Tutu.
Tuba.
Tutuba.

Someone whose ballet is large, low, and loud.

As opposed to the tinier, higher, quieter variety.

Ballerina.
Inaudible.
Ballerinaudible.

Guitarget

Guitar.
Target.
Guitarget.

The spot on the floor where rock stars aim to smash their instruments.

Mandolin.
Linoleum.
Mandolinoleum.

A process that was secretly put into being and encouraged by a covert conspiratorial cadre of instrument-makers, who then get more business as a result.

Wood breaking? Music to their ears.

Freemason.
Sonorousness.
Freemasonorousness.

Bootlegacy

Bootleg.
Legacy.
Bootlegacy.

Technology keeps changing the world.*

It used to be that you could either buy a band's albums or see them live.

Concert.
Certainty.
Concertainty.

Or, if you were super lucky, you might find a rare copy of a live show that someone managed to secretly record.

Fortune.
Unilateral.
Fortunilateral.

Today, that special feeling doesn't exist anymore, because with cellphone cameras and digital devices, every event can be captured, rendering none of them as special.

What's next?

Futuristic.
Sticky.
Futuristicky.

Soon, I presume that literally everything will have the capacity to record: eyeball implants, trees that are also cameras, government satellites that work (this last one is a stretch, I mean, something of the government WORKING? am I right? to make this tired joke?).

Computer.
Terrible.
Computerrible.

So all of life will be spontaneously uploading and downloading so that everyone can experience everything at any time.

Ubiquitous.
Tussle.
Ubiquitussle.

Right now, we've got the world wide web; this will be the web-wide world.
(Same abbreviation.)**

No one will have to get anything, because everyone will have everything. And nothing.***

We will all be as one.

Which is pretty zen.

An Asian philosophy, brought to us by Asian technology.

But don't forget about the contribution of good old-fashioned American stereotyping!

Yin Yang.
Angry.
Yin Yangry.


* And the world keeps changing technology.

Ooh.

Revolutionary.
Arithmetic.
Revolutionarithmetic.


** Also, by the way, the very worst abbreviation possible.
World, wide, and web are all one-syllable words.
"W" is the only THREE-syllable letter.
It actually takes three times as long to say "double-you double-you double-you" as it does to say "world wide web."

If I could have named it, I would have called it something like the "Earth high-speed network," because then that four-syllable phrase could be easily abbreviated with one syllable: "ehn."

Efficiency.
Seize the Day!
Efficienceize the Day!


*** Which means that Seinfeld's popularity will soar once again.

(Not that it ever dropped that far, but it may have been gliding at a lower altitude.)

Seinfeld.
Felled.
Seinfelled.

Manhattenacious

Manhattan.
Tenacious.
Manhattenacious.

If you can make it there, you'll make it anywhere.

But if you CAN'T make it there, you'll have to make do elsewhere.

That's the part Frank didn't sing to everyone.

Sinatra.
Tragedy.
Sinatragedy.

Alaskannie

Alaskan.
Annie.
Alaskannie.

A musical featuring the hit song, "The sun'll come out... in August."

Solar.
Aria.
Solaria.

Victimpani

Victim.
Timpani.
Victimpani.

A drum that is beaten.

Whimper.
Percussion.
Whimpercussion.

Citrusty

Citrus.
Trusty.
Citrusty.

When life gives you lemons, make sure you return those lemons to the person they belong to.

I once saw a breeze blow a dollar out of a subway performer's guitar case without her noticing, so I retrieved and replaced it.

She smiled as though I was giving her a brand new dollar that she hadn't already earned, when in reality I was merely not stealing from her.*

Lemonade.
Aiding and Abetting.
Lemonading and Abetting.


* If not not stealing, at least not being an accomplice to a crime being committed by a gusty universe.

Windy.
Diabolical.
Windiabolical.

Seppukulele

Seppuku.*
Ukulele.
Seppukulele.

Music to kill yourself by, with honor.

Hari Kari.
Aria.
Hari Karia.

Or, music that causes you to kill yourself or others, honor notwithstanding.

Assassins.
Instrument.
Assassinstrument.


* Literally "stomach-cutting," which wouldn't necessarily mean death in today's terms.

It could just mean weight loss surgery, a more modern way to avoid shame.

Either way, it explains why "puke" is right in the middle.

Seppuku.
Upchuck.
Supchucku.

Though that might sound less like a vomitous ritual and more like a suppertime nunchuck.

As opposed to the midday weapon.

Lunch.
Nunchucks.
Lunchucks.

(See also Nunchuck E. Cheese.)

Wiccantor

Wiccan.
Cantor.
Wiccantor.

The official singer at a witch temple.

Ceremony.
Moaning.
Ceremoaning.

At funerals here, they'll perform a less enthusiastic cover of the Wizard of Oz tune.

Foreboding.
Ding-Dong.
Foreboding-Dong.

Pascalamity

Pascale.
Calamity.
Pascalamity.

A French philospher determined that one should gamble that God does exist, because that will result in one of the following:

1) You are right, God exists, and you win an eternal afterlife of happiness.
2) You are wrong, God doesn't exist, and nothing bad happens.*

Wager.
Germane.
Wagermane.

But if you had gone the other way, betting against God's existence, you get one of these results:

1) You are wrong, God exists, and you win eternal suffering.
2) You are right, God doesn't exist, and all you win is a life of being right. And you never even find that out, because when you die that's it, the end.

Gambit.
Bitter.
Gambitter.

So either way, Pascale reasons, betting on God seems the way to go.

But here's the thing.
Would God really honor the integrity of your faith that was based solely in the study of probability?
e.g. "THOU HAST HEDGED THY BETS CORRECTLY, WELCOME TO HEAVEN!"

I imagine he would at least leave you lingering in limbo for a long, long time.

That's got to be pretty close to hell itself, an eternal game of limbo?
Hearing that "Jack be limbo, Jack be quick" song over and over?**
That would likely be enough to push anyone over the edge and make them beat someone to death with the limbo stick, and then lose their spot in line for heaven anyway.

See? God's got a plan for everything. Even sneaky numbers geniuses.

Math.
Atheism.
Matheism.


* Unless you think wasting your life being wrong is bad.
(In which case, what if you're wrong about that?)


** What if the different levels of hell were simply determined by what song was playing continuously there?
On the Macarena level, at least you get exercise. At first.
But you keep going until you're just bones, and then your bones are used as limbo sticks.
At least even hell is getting in on the green action.

Torture.
Recycle.
Torturecycle.

Pekaraoke

Pekar.
Karaoke.
Pekaraoke.

Singing along to American Splendor.

The movie, using the graphic novels as lyrics.

Biographer.
Harvey.
Biographarvey.

Cellisterine

Cellist.
Listerine.
Cellisterine.

Sometimes a musician will practice so much that they neglect everything else, including their breath.

And this product cures it in an instant.

Yo Yo Ma.
Magic.
Yo Yo Magic.

Columbusker

Columbus.
Busker.
Columbusker.

What would have happened, if his journey wasn't fully funded by the Spanish monarchs, and Columbus would had to support his mission with street performing.

Which is much more difficult out on the open sea.
Not as much foot traffic.
Mermaids aplenty, but they have no feet. Or wallets.
(Pirates do have money and feet, but aren't the most supportive of the arts.)

So, thank you Spain.
Because without you, Columbus might very well have failed, and we wouldn't be speaking Italian today.

Mamma Mia.
Mea Culpa.
Mamma Mea Culpa.

Braggartistry

Braggart.
Artistry.
Braggartistry.

Sometimes artists are pitted against one another...
Battles of the bands.
Comedy competitions.
Reality television shows.
Bum fights.

Who will win at art?
Who will be judged to score the highest number of talent points?
Who will be the voted president of creativity?
Whose life blood will be triumphant?

I have a new idea for a reality show, and here are some of the working title ideas:
"Deal or No Integrity"
"Last Moral Fiber Standing"
"Who Wants to Be a Millionaire, but with Principles instead of Dollars?"

The show will search for artists who are the most pure of intent in their creations.
Then it will put them in a house and have them destroy each other.

The way to audition for the show is to not show up for auditions.
(I'll see you there!)

PS It's going to be fixed. The bum wins.

American Idol.
I don't.
American Idon't.

Orchestraightedge

Orchestra.
Straightedge.
Orchestraightedge.

Straightedge types generally choose to have sex with no one.
And no one generally chooses to have sex with orchestra types.

Orchestraightedge.

As opposed to the alternative.

Hard-core.
Orchestra.
Hard-corchestra.