KATGIF

KATG.
TGIF.
KATGIF.

Keith and the Girl is fun.

(That's what that whole expression could stand for.)

It's a podcast that I appear on regularly enough that I feel fine saying I appear on it regularly.

This entry would probably be most appropriate if I were appearing on it today, Friday.

But sometimes the universe doesn't work perfectly.

For example, Pluto's not a planet anymore, and I'm not on the show again until this coming Tuesday. Also tomorrow for their 1000th show-xtravaganza.

But that's perfect enough, isn't it? (Except for Pluto. Sorry!*)

Podcast.
Astronomy.
Podcastronomy.


* My childhood peers will just have to content ourselves with the idea that "my very educated mother just served us nine..." without referencing what nine things she served us.

Perhaps she's educated enough to assume that we'll put it together.

Or we just all have to deal with the fact that someone stole our pickles.

Pickle.
Klepto.
Picklepto.

Prompetition

Prom.
Competition.
Prompetition.

Last night I did my second 3:30am after-prom comedy show.
(You might call it my sophomore prom performance, if I only do four and each represents a year of high school.
But why would you or I do this or that?*)

Sophomore.
Moratorium.
Sophomoratorium.

This one was definitely better than the first one I did.
(Which wouldn't have taken much, but actually did give lots more than much.**)

Extra.
Transaction.
Extransaction.

So, future me is winning the war against past me.
(Where the battleground is a minefield of potentially unhappy students who could explode at any moment. Or fall asleep.)

Sleepy.
Epic.
Sleepic.

And that's the way you want it...
When your future fights your past, you want the future to kick ass.
(It's a rhyme that sounds logical, so it MUST be true.)

Logic.
Iconic.
Logiconic.


* I know, I'm the one that brought it up.
(It's what I do. Bring things up and then smash them down.)

Hypocrite.
Ritual.
Hypocritual.


** Make sense much?
What I'm saying is, the show was good.
(Way better than my conveying of this message, in fact.)

Sensible.
Bleary.
Sensibleary.


(See also Promenada.)

Bathero

Bathe.
Hero.
Bathero.

Once as a kid, I went to bathe and forgot to take my shirt off first.

And it was a Superman shirt, which basically amplified how NOT super I was being.

Though in fairness, Superman's powers DID develop one at a time...
Flying came last, preceded by heat and X-ray vision, which appeared in turn after super speed, strength, and intelligence necessary to get undressed fully before bathing.

Shampoo.
Powers.
Shampowers.

Tobaccolades

Tobacco.
Accolades.
Tobaccolades.

I just read that of adolescents who try cigarettes, only one-third of them go on to become regular smokers.

Which makes sense*, given that a synonym for that age group makes up only one-third of the name of tobacco's addictive agent.**

Nicotine.
Teenager.
Nicoteenager.


* It makes sense if language correlates to reality in random ways, that is.

Arbitrary.
Rarity.
Arbitrarity.

** Syllabically, that is.

Spelling-wise, it makes up half.

But most people care more about speaking than writing, right? (He asked, in writing.)

Bore.
Orthography.
Borethography.

Molestrogen

Molest.
Estrogen.
Molestrogen.

Statistics show that there are fewer female pedophiles than males.

And not just because women aren't allowed to become priests.

Female.
Alleluia.
Femalleluia.

And I don't mean to rub salt in any stigmata with tired Catholic jokes.
(See? New twist!)

I know they've been beaten to death, but the church is usually the first one to support the idea of things coming back from the dead.

Zombie.
Bee's Knees.
Zombie's Knees.

What if Jesus rose from the grave and told the Pope he's fired (for sexist hiring practices, if not the pedophile scandals)?

Vatican.
Canned.
Vaticanned.

Or at least if he could return to create a porn magazine that religious folks could use as a substitute for the real wronging of women and children.

Repent.
Penthouse.
Repenthouse.


(See also Religionesty.)

Grownuptials

Grownup.
Nuptials.
Grownuptials.

Some cultures have people getting engaged when they're children.

What must it be like to picture a wedding so young?

Probably they imagine someone like He-Man officiating it.

e.g. "By the power (of Grayskull) invested in me, I now pronounce you man* and cooties-haver."

Marriages.
Gist.
Marriagist.


* Why pronounce the man "man"? Isn't that what he is already?
Is it He-Man's fault? Did he-he start it?
Did someone pronounce him "He" and "Man"?
No man is an island, sure, but a He-Man might be a happening peninsula.

Happening.
Peninsula.
Happeninsula.

Or perhaps the LADY doth protest too much.

Scramble the letters in He-Man and you get "Me? Nah."

Does this mean anything? Probably not. But what DOES mean anything?

Orthography.
Feelings.
Orthographeelings.

Promenada

Promenade.
Nada.
Promenada.

At 3am today, I performed for a comedy club full of kids who had just come from their high school proms. Exciting!

Dance.
Antsy.
Dantsy.

You see, comedy clubs provide an important service: preventing underage drinking and providing a late-night venue for these kids that is not a hotel room.

Marriott.
Riotous.
Marriottous.

Because teenagers having sex is usually just a last resort activity, after all possible comedy options have been exhausted, when they just end up settling for some wacky bedroom antics which follow the less hilarious opening act of the hotel staff.*

Bellhop.
Hopeless.
Bellhopeless.

So I did my duty today in the fight against teen pregnancy.

Unless you count my impregnating them with a laughter fetus that incubated immediately and repeatedly.

Talk about hysterical pregnancies. (Boom.)

Guffaw.
Awesome.
Guffawesome.


* Hotel "staff" not at all intended to be a play on words that could imply the hotel staff are being inappropriate with the children.

Unless there are hotels running secret child sex rings (then pun coincidentally intended).

Brothel.
Hilton.
Brothilton.

Literatureka

Literature.
Eureka.
Literatureka.

When my grandmother was in the second grade, she wanted a library card, but her school's rules held that you had to be in at least the third grade to get one.

(Why would this be a rule?
If you know what a library is, and you still want to go there?
It's not like it's a bar, and 7-year-olds can't handle their knowledge.)

Tipsy.
Silly.
Tipsilly.

So she told the librarian that she WAS in the third grade to combat this discrimination.

Espionage.
Ageism.
Espionageism.

She put the "lie" in "library," thankfully not in writing, or it would have given her away.

Deceitful.
Foolish.
Deceitfoolish.

But she was found out eventually.
The school called her mother, who came and disciplined her physically.

What do you say to a child when punishing them for wanting to read?

"This will teach you to want to learn!"

Hypocrisy.
Seeking.
Hypocriseeking.

And that's how my grandmother became a zen master.

Bubby.
Buddha.
Bubbha.

Benchwarmored

Benchwarmer.
Armored.
Benchwarmored.

I developed a thick skin playing sports as a kid.

Maybe that's why no one picked me for their teams, because of my weird skin condition.

Epidermis.
Misshapen.
Epidermisshapen.

Sometimes I did get to play, but it was always in right field.

And the other kids were playing hockey elsewhere.

Baseball.
Alone.
Basebalone.

Mentorment

Mentor.
Torment.
Mentorment.

What Daniel-san experienced when painting Mr. Miyagi's house, until he got smart enough to trick Tom Sawyer's neighbors into doing it for him.

Clemens.
Mensa.
Clemensa.

Syllabeling

Syllable.
Labeling.
Syllabeling.

How many does the word "fire" have?
One? Two? One and a half?
(Sold! To the ineffective auctioneer!)

As a child, I always felt it seemed to take more than one, but not quite two.

Compromising.
Singed.
Compromisinged.

Does it depend on where you're from?
I grew up in the Northeast, pronouncing it with what, at times, seemed closer to two: "fie" plus "er."
And then heading further south, you might find people pronouncing it more like "far," which seemed closer to one syllable.

Geography.
Fire.
Geographire.

So, two in the North, one in the South?
Even though it might take a Southerner twice as long to pronounce that one syllable?

Fiery.*
Relaxation.
Fierelaxation.

The most important question: does an area's dialect affect how many people generally make it out of a burning building?

Blaze.
Lazy.
Blazy.

Though I imagine when it's literally "feet to the fire" time, people might end up shortening however many syllables it is down to just one letter: "F!" **

Pronounce.
An Ounce of Prevention.
Pronounce of Prevention.



* And what about "fiery"?
Two? Three? One and a half? (Sold! It's a recession sale! Everything must go, including making sense!)

Smoke.
Auction.
Smoction.


** Also, "run!" is definitely just one syllable.
A good bit of evolutionary linguistic luck.

(Humans using a twelve-syllable word for "run!" are long extinct.
Unfortunate, given the clear intellectual advantage that could have served them well if applied more appropriately.)

Irony.
Neanderthal.
Ironeanderthal.

Nunchuck E. Cheese

Nunchucks.*
Chuck E. Cheese.
Nunchuck E. Cheese.

Something that can make a child's birthday party even happier, but not for them.

Unless they have pleasant dreams, certainly possible when knocked unconscious.

Ninjitsu.
Surely.
Ninjitsurely.


* More appropriately spelled "nunchaku," I know.
But there is no obnoxious child pizza franchise named "Chak U. Cheese," unfortunately for us all.

It could have been a great Italian/Asian fusion restaurant.

Italia.
Asian.
Italiasian.

Especially for the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Japanese fighting style, love of pizza, AND as a bonus, a horrible location that would make most people unhappy, just like the original Chuck E. Cheese does.

It takes a certain something to eat here.

Sewer.
Warriors.
Sewarriors.

(See also Pepperonin.)

Kebabysitting

Kebab.
Babysitting.
Kebabysitting.

Skewering the children makes for an easier night of nannying.

And then an even easier rest of your life.

You took care of the children, now the state takes care of you. *

Karma.
Manslaughter.
Karmanslaughter.


* Or the other inmates do.
Especially if they make an extra-long shiv for you and others like you.

Skewer.
Worrying.
Skewerrying.

But that's more of a prison-half-empty mindset.
Or half-full.
Whichever the pessimistic one is, for a prison.
Maybe prison-half-overcrowded?

Overpopulated.
Optimism.
Overpoptimism.

Subdude

Subdued.
Dude.
Subdude.

I recently worked with a comedian well-known for being very loud and raucous in performance, only to find that off stage he was quite the opposite, very quiet and reserved.

It just goes to show you, you can't judge a book by what it screams at you from the stage.

Literary.
Rageful.
Literageful.

Turns out, also, that most mimes are are loud, obnoxious jerks when they're not wearing makeup and trapped in boxes.*

Marcel Marceau.
So Hypocritical.
Marcel Marso Hypocritical.


* Which would be the opposite for me.
I would be loudest when I WAS trapped in a box.
(And if someone were putting makeup on me against my will.) **

But you know what they say, different strokes for mimes and regular people.
Regular people put their pants on one leg at a time, but mimes only pretend to put their pants on.

Hence, the term "pantomime" and the reason to keep mimes away from your children.

Pantomime.
Imagination.
Pantomimagination.


** The will I refer to here is meant to be my determination in life, but an interpretation as my official last will and testament would suffice as well.
Not that I have plans for any restrictions on makeup in my last will and testament.
e.g. "Do not try to make my body look unnaturally natural."
Though I do believe it would look weird to have my ashes gussied up like that.

Creme de la Creme.
Cremation.
Creme de la Cremation.

Invertebratwurst

Invertebrate.
Bratwurst.
Invertebratwurst.

A sausage made from the meat of spineless creatures, as opposed to pig or cow.*

Sure, squidwurst may take some preparation to get that inky taste out, but bratworm is already in the exact right shape.

Disgusting.
Stingray.**
Disgustingray.


* Animals with a real backbone.
Courageous, upstanding animals.

Pigs especially.
Have you read "Animal Farm" or "The Three Little Pigs"?
They even give other animals what for.

Porky.
Kick-Ass.
Porkyck-Ass.


** Rays are actually vertebrates.
I thought I could put one by you, anonymous public, but I cannot.
Because what is the internet about, if not being straightforward with one another?***

Honesty.
Stipulation.
Honestipulation.


*** Answers may include anything from "internet dating" to "Wikipedia" to "Dateline pedophile stings" to "all three at once."
(Read about my latest dating disaster and trip to jail on Wikipedia.)

Wikipedia.
Pedophilia.
Wikipedophilia.

F-bombudsman

F-bomb.
Ombudsman.
F-bombudsman.

You might notice that there are no swear words here.
Plenty of references to pedophilia, bestiality, incest, and necrophilia, sure, but no swear words.
Everything in TV-friendly terminology.*

Because really, do you need to swear to talk about being sexually attracted to children, animals, your family, or the dead?
Is that what society has come to?

That's not how I was raised by my dead Uncle Werewolf (who was also somehow a child).**

Necrophilia.
Philosophy.
Incest.
Necrophilosophincest.


* Just in case anyone in Hollywood wants to turn this blog into a sitcom.

Two and a Half Blogs?
30 Blog?
My Name is Blog?
Blogs? (That's "Scrubs.")

And those are only if you want to turn it into a sitcom that already exists...
Imagine all that's available if you start from scratch!

Limitless.
Escapades.
Limitlescapades.


** Werewolves age differently, like vampires. (Let's say.)***
If they get turned at an early age, their mind will grow older and more mature, but their body will stay frozen at that early age, just like the famous werewolf Gary Coleman.

Lupine.
Inertia.
Lupinertia.


*** And if you want to argue that werewolves do NOT act like vampires in this respect, well, then I guess we just know different werewolves, then, don't we?

Argument deadlocked.

Standstill.
Ill-formed.
Standstill-formed.

Beghetto

Beget.
Ghetto.
Beghetto.

A poor section of town where a lot of children are born.

And, when pluralized, the name of a pasta that is eaten there.

Beghetti
Edible.
Beghedible.

Technologynecological

Technology.
Gynecological.
Technologynecological.

Always be careful during cybersex.

Computer.
Uterus.
Computerus.

Because child porn is bad enough.
But having a child WITH porn?
You don't even want to imagine it.

(And now, you don't have to.
Fetish videos dedicated to having a baby with a computer are likely being birthed as we speak.)

Newborn.
Robot.
Newbot.

Wikipediophile

Wikipedia.
Pedophile.
Wikipediophile.

One of a list of sex offenders that can be altered by members of the public.

Inaccurate.
Ratings.
Inaccuratings.

Bootlegos

Bootleg.
Legos.
Bootlegos.

Wanted: illegal children's toys.
Last seen in the shape of a pirate ship.

Taboo.
Booty.
Tabooty.