Blasphemur

Blaspheme.
Femur.
Blasphemur.

A sinful leg bone.

Which is why God took one of Adam's RIBS, and not this one.

Also that would have made it hard to walk.

Sham.
Ambulatory.
Shambulatory.

Agnoptimistic

Agnostic.
Optimistic.
Agnoptimistic.

Seeing the world as half-full of god.

My cup doth not runneth over.

Which means cleanliness is actually next to uncertainty of godliness.

Booya.
Yahweh.
Booyahweh.

Haystacupuncture

Haystack.
Acupuncture.
Haystacupuncture.

Something about a needle. I'll get to that later.

We start with a story about the beach, which I now call the bea-otch.
(Take that, beach.)

Sandy.
Destruction.
Sandestruction.

That is where I got a sunburn, but don't worry, it was not for nothing.

I got it in exchange for donating my glasses to the ocean.

Oops.
Sea.
Oopsea.

Like I made a sacrifice to Poseidon so he would put a word in with Apollo to burn me.

Stupidest exchange ever.

Trade.
Adept.
Tradept.

I don't even know why a god would need glasses.

Ophthalmology.
Jesus.
Ophthalmologesus.

Though he is the god of the sea, not god of seeing.

Inept.
Neptune.
Ineptune.

So I spent my day at the beach searching for buried treasure. Or floating treasure. Or wherever-my-glasses-ended-up treasure.

Prize.
Eyes.
Priyes.

And what I found is this...

The expression "looking for a needle in a haystack" should be changed to "looking for my glasses in the ocean."

Because that's way harder.

A haystack doesn't move. It doesn't cover three-quarters of the earth. You can't burn down the ocean and just find what you're looking for sitting right there. AND you're doing all this searching without your glasses.

Blinded.
Dedication.
Blindedication.

Sometimes someone will throw a bottle into the ocean, with a note inside that travels across the world, and someone else finds it and they fall in love and live happily ever after.

That actually happens more often than me finding my glasses in the ocean.

And the bottle is made out of glass as well, which is sort of rubbing it in.

Pepsi.
Sea-Faring.
Pepsea-Faring.

So, if anyone finds my glasses on the other side of the world, we should probably get married.

Let me know.

Longshot.
Hotline.
Longshotline.

Moriginal

More.
Original.
Moriginal.

It's easier to be more original if you start earlier.

The person who had it the easiest was probably Adam.

Anything he made would HAVE to be original, because he was the first dude, so there was absolutely no one around before him creating anything.

Unless you count God creating anything.

Okay, so God had it the simplest then.

Deity.
Easiest.
Deiteasiest.

Gardenial

Garden.
Denial.
Gardenial.

What Adam and Eve experienced, after the snake made his convincing argument that "ignorance is bliss" meant that you shouldn't have either of those.

What's better? Knowing things, or being happy?

That's what I'd like to know.

Or not.

Informed.
Mediocre.
Informediocre.

TGIffy

TGIF.
Iffy.
TGIffy.

Should God be thanked every single Friday?

Wasn't that the day of the week on which his son was killed?

Which may have simply been a case of casual Friday taken too far.

e.g. "On all other days, we have a very strict no-crucifixion policy."

Perhaps each casual Friday comes with one commandment you can relax about, like "This week, don't worry about that 'I am the Lord your god' business."

Sabbath.
Atheist.
Sabbatheist.

Easterical

Easter.
Hysterical.
Easterical.

Tonight I performed on a Jewish-themed comedy show commemorating Jesus' rise from the dead.

Reincarnate.
Naturally.
Reincarnaturally.

The idea being that the show should appeal to people who aren't in church with their God and such.

Prayers.
Erstwhile.
Prayerstwhile.

Of course, God is everywhere at all times, so they could have come to the show and been with him also. Also they would have been with a lot of Jews.

Jew.
Ubiquitous.
Jewbiquitous.

The show went well.

Jews usually enjoy laughing at me.
Maybe because I'm a Jew.

Non-Jews usually enjoy laughing at me as well.
Maybe because I'm a Jew.

So apparently, laughing at Jews can unite us all.
Someone get the Middle East on the line! *

Chuckling.
Ingredients.
Chucklingredients.


* This may not actually fly.
I'm not sure Israelis work the same way as the Jews I know.
(Also I don't know if "the Middle East" has its own phone.)

Israel.
Hello?
Israello?

Chosense

Chosen.
Sense.
Chosense.

If you had to pick between being blind or deaf, which would it be?

What's more important, seeing or hearing?

Eye.
Ear.
Eyear.*

Well, the very first thing God said was "Let there be LIGHT," not "Let there be SOUND."

So that could indicate where HIS priorities lay.

Video.
Deity.
Videity.

Of course, he did SAY it audibly, which means there already WAS sound, AND the lights were powered by it (the earliest voice activation system on record).

Audio.
Dios.
Audios.

Back to square one.

But the thing that's most clear is this:
no one cares about the plight of people who can't smell (the smell-less?).

They don't even have their own word like "deaf" or "blind" (and putting "smell" and "less" together would have three L's in a row, which isn't even allowed).

And no one is even talking about this disrespect. Until now.

Aroma.
Matters.
Aromatters.


* "Eyear" is the sound one eventually makes when confronted with this hypothetical decision.

(Which is an unpleasant one, and could potentially tip the balance towards the selection of deafness, so as to not have to hear it?)

Aurality.
Tiebreaker.
Auralitiebreaker.

Tapestricentennial

Tapestry.
Tricentennial.
Tapestricentennial.

I wasn't sure the best word ending in "-try," to mark this 300th post.
So here is a collection representing the journey of possibilities that was traveled.

Entry: Come on in...
Carpentry: I constructed this for you
Artistry: with care and thought
Chemistry: to create a connection
Poetry: expressed only through words
Circuitry: typed into computers
Industry: created by large corporations
Idolatry: which society worships
Ministry: to the dismay of religion
Ancestry: which historically
Psychiatry: could use some help
Dentistry: with flossing
Bigotry: intolerance out of its being.
Toiletry: How did we end up here?

Happy 300, everyone, whether you like it or not!

Fun.
Unfun.
Funfun!

Amenstruation

Amen.
Menstruation.
Amenstruation.

PMS ends with a prayer.

To whomever.

Tampon.
Pontiff.
Tampontiff.

Jihaddock

Jihad.
Haddock.
Jihaddock.

A holy war against the Jesus fish.*

Salmon.
Monastery.
Salmonastery.

This time it's personal.

Flounder.
Underdog.
Flounderdog.

In what would be a steel cage match if the water wouldn't escape and drown everyone, so let's call it a glass aquarium match...

Trout.
Outgunned.
Troutgunned.

Mano-a-monotheism, in the holy waters.

Shark.
Archangel.
Sharchangel.

Religion vs. religion, ocean style.

Albacore.
Koran.
Albaocoran.

Pray to God that your God is the God you're praying to.
(Also pray to God that God listens to fish and can understand your fish language.)

Lamprey.
Prayers.
Lamprayers.

What are we even talking about anymore?

Fish would never engage in the hostilities involved in a holy war.
They've only got a 30-second memory, and how much of a grudge could you hold if you only remembered 30 seconds' worth of history?

Memory.
Moray.
Memoray.

Unless that 30-second rule is just for goldfish.
Perhaps larger fish have larger memories with larger grudge-holding capacities.
So, the fight is back on.

Loser sleeps with the fishes.

Winner sleeps with the other fishes.
In heaven.

Ichthyology.
Theology.
Ichtheology.


* Is the Jesus fish what eventually evolved into Jesus?
Crawling out of the ocean, or possibly crawling on top of the ocean, depending when that power kicked in.

Buoy.
Oy Vay.
Buoy Vay.

Or maybe Jesus always has the power to turn into a fish.
Like vampires and bats.

e.g. "Eat this, for it is my body, and it is brain food. Be careful of the mercury content."
and
"Drink this, for it is my blood, and you are Dracula."

Bible.
Bleeding.
Bibleeding.

Sasquachoo

Sasquatch.
Achoo.
Sasquachoo.

If Bigfoot sneezes in the forest and there's no one around to say "God bless you," does it make a sound?

And more importantly, does this creature even have a soul that can escape through the nose, leaving Satan the opportunity to sneak in to replace it? *

Devil.
Illness.
Devillness.

At this point, probably not, what with all the Bigfoot photos people are always snapping.
Sure, they may all come out blurry, but being less photogenic doesn't get you your stolen soul back. **

Camera.
Merciless.
Camerciless.

All that is needed for evil to succeed is for good technology to work poorly.

Kodak.
Ache.
Kodache.


* Putting the "sin" in "sinus."

No-Nos.
Nostrils.
No-Nostrils.


** Though if saying "God bless you" works to replace your soul after a sneeze, why not try the same thing post photo session? Replace "cheese" with "blessings" and you're all set.

Sacrament.
Muenster.
Sacramuenster.

Destinnitus

Destiny.
Tinnitus.
Destinnitus.

If your ears are fated to ring forever.

Doesn't sound like a great destiny.

Sounds more like "Ring Ring Ring!" probably.

Which could be nice if you always think it's your phone, and you feel popular.

But then you get to the phone and you remember it's just God calling to remind you that your destiny is mediocre at best. *

Kismet.
Mezza Mezza.
Kismezza Mezza.


* Plus, you probably don't hear the phone when it's really ringing, so your friends who are actually calling get sick of trying and you really end up with nothing.
Destiny can be a lonely road.
Or a lonely house.
Or a lonely wherever you are.
It's lonely, get it?

Isolate.
Fated.
Isolfated.

Babelittle

Babel.
Belittle.
Babelittle.

People tried to build a tower up to heaven.
God (worried they would succeed?) destroyed the tower.

Deconstruct.
Ruckus.
Deconstruckus.

This must have been back when heaven was actually located on the clouds, before it relocated to space where we know it is today.

Paradise.
Distant.
Paradistant.

God didn't stop there. He also made everyone speak different languages, so they wouldn't be able to reconnect and restart the Babel project.*

Language.
Aggravated.
Languaggravated.

Which is why it seems strange when people are strongly patriotic, strongly xenophobic, AND strongly religious.
e.g. "Don't come to America, land of Jesus, until you speak English like God intended."

Patriotism.
Autism.
Patriautism.

Because God was the one who made everyone speak different, remember?**

(Which means he was also the one who made everyone THINK different as well.
Which led to the famous Apple slogan that the snake used on Eve.
Which means that Steve Jobs is the devil?***

Apple.
Pleased.
Appleased.)




* And it worked. They didn't even end up making the MOVIE "Babel" for thousands of years, let alone attempt an actual tower again.

Hollywood.
Wouldn't.
Hollywouldn't.


** I just said it. You got it.

Listen.
Tenacious.
Listenacious.


*** And Ipods are his evil tools.

Nano.
Anointed
Nanointed.

Pascalamity

Pascale.
Calamity.
Pascalamity.

A French philospher determined that one should gamble that God does exist, because that will result in one of the following:

1) You are right, God exists, and you win an eternal afterlife of happiness.
2) You are wrong, God doesn't exist, and nothing bad happens.*

Wager.
Germane.
Wagermane.

But if you had gone the other way, betting against God's existence, you get one of these results:

1) You are wrong, God exists, and you win eternal suffering.
2) You are right, God doesn't exist, and all you win is a life of being right. And you never even find that out, because when you die that's it, the end.

Gambit.
Bitter.
Gambitter.

So either way, Pascale reasons, betting on God seems the way to go.

But here's the thing.
Would God really honor the integrity of your faith that was based solely in the study of probability?
e.g. "THOU HAST HEDGED THY BETS CORRECTLY, WELCOME TO HEAVEN!"

I imagine he would at least leave you lingering in limbo for a long, long time.

That's got to be pretty close to hell itself, an eternal game of limbo?
Hearing that "Jack be limbo, Jack be quick" song over and over?**
That would likely be enough to push anyone over the edge and make them beat someone to death with the limbo stick, and then lose their spot in line for heaven anyway.

See? God's got a plan for everything. Even sneaky numbers geniuses.

Math.
Atheism.
Matheism.


* Unless you think wasting your life being wrong is bad.
(In which case, what if you're wrong about that?)


** What if the different levels of hell were simply determined by what song was playing continuously there?
On the Macarena level, at least you get exercise. At first.
But you keep going until you're just bones, and then your bones are used as limbo sticks.
At least even hell is getting in on the green action.

Torture.
Recycle.
Torturecycle.

Suicidali Lama

Suicidal.
Dali Lama.
Suicidali Lama.

His soul is reborn into a new body after the old one dies, the story goes.

Do you think a teenage incarnation ever has such bad body image that they consider ending their life in the hopes that the next version will have less acne?

Zitty.
Tibetan.
Zittibetan.

Pimple Free Tibet.

Peacoctopus

Peacock.
Octopus.
Peacoctopus.

A bird that is eight times fancier than the original.*

And because the fanciness is used to attract mates, this bird is likely a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

Rumor.
Mormon.
Rumormon.


* Or a flying octopus...

Look down in the water... It's a fish! It's a submarine! No, it's a cephalopod with a super fancy wingspan!

Squid.
Width.
Squidth.

Buffetus

Buffet.
Fetus.
Buffetus.

It may someday be possible to select your child's characteristics before they are born, to make sure they are as healthy as possible.

Prenatal.
Talisman.
Prenatalisman.

It makes sense--we can purify water these days, why not genetic material?
Just put the DNA through a Brita.

Water.
Terrific.
Waterrific.

Potential diseases could be eliminated. Also freckles.
All kinds of horrible things.

Then, beyond health concerns, it might be additionally possible to choose things like your child's hair color or height or the shape of their nose, perhaps to make them look like an honored dead relative (before they were dead).

Premortem.
Temperament.
Premortemperament.

But is it really up to us to determine what we want our children to be like?
Who are we to make such decisions?

Shouldn't it really be up to the beauty and fashion industries once they're born and ready to be brainwashed by movies and magazines?

How will the reality television industry survive?
What will happen to all the shows where people get plastic surgery when they want to look like celebrities, or when their friends want them to be less ugly?

Celebrity.
Retarded.
Celebritarded.

Did you think about that, science?
You're supposed to be the thing that cares about thinking.

But what kind of world are you thinking us into?

Future.
Turmoil.
Futurmoil.

But fear not, world. Fear not, science.
Economics will handle this:
Because not everyone will be able to afford the wondrous new God-ignoring, child-fixing technology that's available, nothing will change in the big picture, in the grand scheme, in the unnatural order of things.

The rich get richer, and the poor stay uglier.

Except for the lucky few who are blessed by the grace of God to turn out exactly how society demands they be.

Hallelujah.
Lucrative.
Hallelucrative.

Midolatry

Midol.
Idolatry.
Midolatry.

Worshipping the false god of menstrual pain reliever.

Though if you try a side-by-side comparison, who's to say which one is false.

e.g. "This side of my uterus received Midol, and this side received prayer."

Midol: for when God doesn't answer.

Praying.
Ingrate.
Prayingrate.

Lancelottery

Lancelot.
Lottery.
Lancelottery.

Some people want a knight in shining armor to ride up and save them on their white horse.

You shouldn't want that.

A knight whose armor is so pristine and a horse whose coat is so shiny, they likely haven't been tested in battle ever?
Probably not even in a joust.
Definitely not even in the video game "Joust."

Atari.
Rider.
Atarider.

In medieval times, cleanliness was next to deadliness.*

I'd prefer a hero who has at least gotten his hands dirty enough to have won a video game.
(Grand Theft Horse?)

Vigilante.
Anti-hero.
Vigilanti-hero.


* Or just deadness. Or just dead.
Clean is dead.
Just like Nietzche said.
(If God is clean and clean is dead.)

Nietzche.
Checkmate.
Nietzcheckmate.