Raudio

Raw.
Audio.
Raudio.

Just got the first rough copy of my CD recording.

Keep staying tuned to the things I'm saying so you can eventually purchase the things I said and then be on your own schedule of listening to the things I will say.

Saying.
Yin Yang.
Sayin Yang.

Voideo

Void.
Video.
Voideo.

Currently in my viewfinder, there is a nothingness which I need converted into a somethingness.*

Zen.
Enlightenment.
Zenlightenment.

That is to say, I need a new camcorder.**

Currently, I possess a dearth of working video recording devices, and I require that that dearth turn into whatever the opposite of a dearth is.***

Became.
Camera.
Becamera.

So, off to the camera district! Or the camera market. Camera barrel?

I don't know where to shop for cameras.

Hopefully the camera gnomes will just leave me one in the night, like they did for that shoe guy (but with a camera instead of shoes).****

Gnome.
Omen.
Gnomen.


* How come "nothingness" gets to be a real word, while "somethingness" gets underlined by the spellchecker?

Not enough spellcheckeriness to go around?

Why can't there be everythingness for everybodifragilisticexpialadocious?

Nonsensical.
Cyclical.
Nonsensyclical.


** A thing that cords cams, if its name is to be taken literally.

Names.
Messy.
Namessy.


*** Scramble the letters in "dearth," and it becomes a "thread," moving towards "the rad" or "d' heart."
(Make sure to avoid turning to "hatred.")

Plan.
Anagram.
Planagram.


**** I almost said I wished the camera FAIRY would come instead of gnomes.

But since the Tooth Fairy takes teeth AWAY, I don't know what the camera fairy would do, given that I already have zero cameras.

I'd end up with negative one cameras, logically.

(I guess the fairy would have to make a camera out of stuff that I own already that I could have created a camera with, like some sort of reverse MacGuyver.)

MacGuyver.
Reverse.
MacGuyverse.

Bootlegacy

Bootleg.
Legacy.
Bootlegacy.

Technology keeps changing the world.*

It used to be that you could either buy a band's albums or see them live.

Concert.
Certainty.
Concertainty.

Or, if you were super lucky, you might find a rare copy of a live show that someone managed to secretly record.

Fortune.
Unilateral.
Fortunilateral.

Today, that special feeling doesn't exist anymore, because with cellphone cameras and digital devices, every event can be captured, rendering none of them as special.

What's next?

Futuristic.
Sticky.
Futuristicky.

Soon, I presume that literally everything will have the capacity to record: eyeball implants, trees that are also cameras, government satellites that work (this last one is a stretch, I mean, something of the government WORKING? am I right? to make this tired joke?).

Computer.
Terrible.
Computerrible.

So all of life will be spontaneously uploading and downloading so that everyone can experience everything at any time.

Ubiquitous.
Tussle.
Ubiquitussle.

Right now, we've got the world wide web; this will be the web-wide world.
(Same abbreviation.)**

No one will have to get anything, because everyone will have everything. And nothing.***

We will all be as one.

Which is pretty zen.

An Asian philosophy, brought to us by Asian technology.

But don't forget about the contribution of good old-fashioned American stereotyping!

Yin Yang.
Angry.
Yin Yangry.


* And the world keeps changing technology.

Ooh.

Revolutionary.
Arithmetic.
Revolutionarithmetic.


** Also, by the way, the very worst abbreviation possible.
World, wide, and web are all one-syllable words.
"W" is the only THREE-syllable letter.
It actually takes three times as long to say "double-you double-you double-you" as it does to say "world wide web."

If I could have named it, I would have called it something like the "Earth high-speed network," because then that four-syllable phrase could be easily abbreviated with one syllable: "ehn."

Efficiency.
Seize the Day!
Efficienceize the Day!


*** Which means that Seinfeld's popularity will soar once again.

(Not that it ever dropped that far, but it may have been gliding at a lower altitude.)

Seinfeld.
Felled.
Seinfelled.

Miyagit-R-Done

Miyagi.
Git-R-Done.
Miyagit-R-Done.*

How Larry the Cable Guy attained enlightenment.

Buddha.
Hardly.
Buddhardly.


* A sad state of technological affairs:
This program does not recognize the word "Miyagi," but has no problem with "Git-R-Done."

Priority.
Typos.
Prioritypos.

Relaxtion

Relax.
Action.
Relaxtion.

I sat in a Japanese garden today and got my zen on.*

Meditation.
Stationary.
Medistationary.

There was a giant bonsai tree. Maybe you'd just call it a tree.

Bonsai.
Sizable.
Bonsaizable.

Anything I was feeling unhinged about was completely washed away by the sun and shade and all-around soothing nature of nature.**

Soothing.
Hinged.
Soothinged.

Well done, Japanese.
Technology, martial arts, sushi, AND peaceful gardens?
What next?

Probably a robot that makes vegetable sushi out of a garden by using karate.

Robot.
Botanical.
Robotanical.

And/or...

Ninjitsu.
Sushi.
Ninjitsushi.


* Not my xenon, my zen on.

Though because xenon is a colorless, odorless gas, I suppose it's possible that I was getting that also.

And xenon IS used in some anesthetics, so that wouldn't conflict with a state of meditation.

Though it's also used in flash lamps, which might.

It's a versatile element.

Xenon.
Noncommittal.
Xenoncommittal.


** Anything including the mixed metaphor of being washed by the sun.

Dried? Of course.
But it was probably just drying sweat that it caused itself.
Hero and villain in one.

See? Zen.

Sunny.
Neato.
Sunneato.

Literatureka

Literature.
Eureka.
Literatureka.

When my grandmother was in the second grade, she wanted a library card, but her school's rules held that you had to be in at least the third grade to get one.

(Why would this be a rule?
If you know what a library is, and you still want to go there?
It's not like it's a bar, and 7-year-olds can't handle their knowledge.)

Tipsy.
Silly.
Tipsilly.

So she told the librarian that she WAS in the third grade to combat this discrimination.

Espionage.
Ageism.
Espionageism.

She put the "lie" in "library," thankfully not in writing, or it would have given her away.

Deceitful.
Foolish.
Deceitfoolish.

But she was found out eventually.
The school called her mother, who came and disciplined her physically.

What do you say to a child when punishing them for wanting to read?

"This will teach you to want to learn!"

Hypocrisy.
Seeking.
Hypocriseeking.

And that's how my grandmother became a zen master.

Bubby.
Buddha.
Bubbha.

Culterior

Cult.
Ulterior.
Culterior.

My mother sent me to Sunday school as a child because she worried that without religious guidance, I might have a hole in my spirit* that could be taken advantage of by some exploitative group.**

Sunday.
Dazed.
Sundazed.

So I was indoctrinated into an AUTHORIZED cult to avoid being swept up by an unauthorized one.

Out of the frying pan and into the kosher frying pan.

Glatt.
Attaboy.
Glattaboy.

I ultimately escaped unscathed.
And you can, too, if you haven't already.
You don't have to live your life like anyone else tells you.
Listen to me, and you'll be free from outside influence.
Just do what I do and say, and you're your own person.

Win.
Individual.
Windividual.


* Like when you sneeze your soul out of your body which opens the door for the devil to get in.

Troubles.
Blessing.
Troublessing.


** Like the Jews for Jesus.

Jews.
Jesus.
Jewsus.

Or the Mormons for Mohammed.

Mormon.
Mohammed.
Mormohammed.

Or the Hindus for Buddha.

Hindu.
Buddha.
Hinduddha.

Or the Christians for Zeus.

Jesus.
Zeus.
Jezeus.

Chagrinch

Chagrin.
Grinch.
Chagrinch.

Being greedy makes you sad.

All greed gets you is money, which can't buy happiness.*

Whimper.
Purchase.
Whimpurchase.

Money can only buy you ephemeral moments of pleasure, which if strung together closely and consistently and in enough volume can still only provide a perfect ILLUSION of happiness, but not happiness itself.

Illusion.
Loser.
Illuser

Happiness itself takes hard work, being conscientious, and experiencing enough sadness to have a good framework of comparison.

Being happy is no walk in the park.

Ambulate.
Elated.
Ambelated.

Now you may say, I enjoy walks in the park. They make me happy.

They only make you THINK you're happy.
But what do you know?
Nothing.
You're ignorant.

Nihilist.
Listen.
Nihilisten.

Then you might say, ignorance is bliss.
But how did you know to say that, if you're so ignorant?

Happiness is a logical paradox.

Buddhist.
Discourse.
Buddhiscourse.


* Also, greed can get you THINGS.
But these things also can't be exchanged for happiness.
Only for store credit.

Commerce.
Mercy.
Commercy.

Amenstruation

Amen.
Menstruation.
Amenstruation.

PMS ends with a prayer.

To whomever.

Tampon.
Pontiff.
Tampontiff.

Buddhistory

Buddhist.
History.
Buddhistory.

In the beginning, we were all one.

Totally.
Allied.
Totallied.

Then that kept happening.*

Unity.
Typical.
Unitypical.

And that brings us up to now and always.

Present.
Entirety.
Presentirety.

In current events, the river flows.




* If all is one, why are math classes so concerned with other numbers?

Calculus.
Useless.
Calculuseless.

Continuumpire

Continuum.
Umpire.
Continuumpire.

Einstein determined that space and time were actually one.
Buddha determined the same thing, but he might have been hallucinating from eating too little. Or eating too much. Or eating just the right amount, Gandhi-locks style.
(Where too little IS the right amount and the right amount is too much. Zen headache!)

That's why Einstein beat out Buddha as the referee of the Space-Time Continuum, which is why if you correctly scramble the letters of "Space-Time Continuum" appropriately, you get these appropriate results:

Einstein = MCC*, Auto Ump
A Cosmic Umpteen's Unit
and
A Sciences Optimum Nut


If you scramble them less appropriately, you get these less appropriate results:

A Cosmetic Neptunium
Conceit Minus Amputee
And
Impotences... A Tunic... Um


And if you REALLY screw it up, you get these:

Scott
Mark
and
Brian**


One could argue that God is the actual umpire of the space-time continuum, but Einstein would still have to act as his representative in the corporeal world.
Like the Pope does for non-science God.
And Einstein doesn't even need the hat, because his hair is big enough.
Or maybe the Pope hat was designed to fit Einstein's hair perfectly, like Cinderella's slippers.

But something went awry along the way.
Some sort of space-time continuoops.

Which sent unfortunate ripples in all directions throughout history and future history.
Causing things like the Crusades, the Holocaust, and the band Creed.

And now we don't have the right continuumpire.
So we have to try to fix things and make them right ourselves.
We have to listen to each other, learn about our differences, and strive to overcome them and connect with one another.
Because Einstein and Buddha were right, everything is one, everything is connected, and we can all succeed together.

Or we can just sit back and wait for the right person to come along and fill the scientific Cinderella Pope-hat.


* "MCC" is short for "MC Squared," and "Einstein" is long for "E."

** These are the first names of the original members of the band Creed.