Umbilical Corduroys

Umbilical Cord.
Corduroys.
Umbilical Corduroys.

The grossest pants in the world.

And that's not all... they're also made of umbilical cords!

Pantaloon.
Lunacy.
Pantalunacy.

Debriss

Debris.
Briss.
Debriss.

The piece of waste that remains after a ceremonial circumcision.

Shalom.
Omission.
Shalomission.

You might also call it a "circumcised baby."

Infant.
Anti-Climactic.
Infanti-Climactic.

Pregnantics

Pregnant.
Antics.
Pregnantics.

Once upon a time, I broke up with a girl and she cried.

A week later, she came to me and told me that she was as pregnant as her eyes had been with tears the week before. *

Uterus.
Irises.
Utirises.

So the breakup was put on hold, while we planned for the birth...
the birth of our futures on the day that pregnancy would be ended, of course.

This was not a decision made lightly.
This girl was a practicing Catholic; she practiced nearly every part of the faith and was great at almost all of it.

So she came to a decision that I supported (I am pro-woman).

Preparing.
Ringleader.
Preparingleader.

But the day before that decision was to come to fruition (or was to undo a previous coming to fruition), something happened.

She told me that she fell down the stairs, went to the doctor, and found out that she was no longer pregnant.

So, the something that happened was actually either three things (stairs, doctor, finding), OR one different thing: she lied to me.

I didn't realize it at the time, because I was a trusting human being, but the timing of it all seems in hindsight to be MIGHTY convenient.

Timing.
Ingenious.
Timingenious.

Plus, I might have been ignoring other signs, such as her asking questions like "Does this fake pregnancy make me look fat?"

Obese.
OB-GYN.
OBese-GYN.

I've heard that sometimes couples will have a baby to keep their relationship alive. But apparently, that only works when the baby is alive, too. And real. (And also this doesn't work.)

So we broke up again. And this time the breakup was as real as the baby wasn't. And everyone who was alive lived happily ever after.

Fairy Tale.
Retelling.
Fair Retelling.


* She didn't put it that way. I'm sure hers was more poetic.

Sub-Par.
Paraphrase.
Sub-Paraphrase.

Embryo-Yo

Embryo.
Yo-Yo.
Embryo-Yo.

A new life that springs forth from a woman, but then immediately shoots back in.

Umbilical.
Lickety-Split.
Umbilickety-Split.

Childrendezvous

Children.
Rendezvous.
Childrendezvous.

I met a new person today.
A baby.*

I don't feel as though she really met me, though.

Her mother did all the talking for her: "This is the baby."
I tried to directly engage: "Hi, baby. I'm an adult."

She seemed bored or asleep.
Like she wasn't even interested in what I had to say.

Nice attitude, baby.

Newborn.
Ornery.
Newbornery.

Maybe I should have tried to highlight what we had in common, rather than our differences.

Like, I used to be a baby also.

Begin.
Infant.
Beginfant.

Oh well, I'll know better for the next baby.


* Not completely new, but with only three weeks of wear and tear so far.

Natal.
Tally.
Natally.

In Vitrophy

In Vitro.
Trophy.
In Vitrophy.

A prize that is developed outside a woman's body.

So, most of them.

Except for contests where you can win a baby.

A baby that was conceived naturally, not in a test tube.

(Actually, so-called "test-tube" babies are created in more of a dish-like situation.
Did you know that? Then you win the prize.)

Compete.
Petri.
Competri.

Hammeredial

Hammered.
Redial.
Hammeredial.

The older, dumber sibling of the simple drunk dial.

Often made so drunkenly that it doesn't go through, due to the caller's not even using a phone.
Just yelling incoherently into an object that they believe IS a phone.
A baby monitor, a radio, a coconut*, whatever.

Communicate.
Catastrophe.
Communicatastrophe.


* A coconut might actually accidentally work as a phone if the caller's roommate is the Professor from Gilligan's Island.
Or it might work as a bowl to eat dessert out of if the caller's roommate is insensitive enough to have used all the dishes.
(Which could be the same roommate, if the Professor forgot all about dishwashing etiquette on that island.)

Professor.
Sorbet.
Professorbet.

Peekaboot Camp

Peekaboo.
Boot Camp.
Peekaboot Camp.

Where babies are made into tougher babies.

This ain't your mama's playpen.
(It's some rougher, tougher playpen.)

Crybaby.
Able-bodied.
Crybable-bodied.

Buffetus

Buffet.
Fetus.
Buffetus.

It may someday be possible to select your child's characteristics before they are born, to make sure they are as healthy as possible.

Prenatal.
Talisman.
Prenatalisman.

It makes sense--we can purify water these days, why not genetic material?
Just put the DNA through a Brita.

Water.
Terrific.
Waterrific.

Potential diseases could be eliminated. Also freckles.
All kinds of horrible things.

Then, beyond health concerns, it might be additionally possible to choose things like your child's hair color or height or the shape of their nose, perhaps to make them look like an honored dead relative (before they were dead).

Premortem.
Temperament.
Premortemperament.

But is it really up to us to determine what we want our children to be like?
Who are we to make such decisions?

Shouldn't it really be up to the beauty and fashion industries once they're born and ready to be brainwashed by movies and magazines?

How will the reality television industry survive?
What will happen to all the shows where people get plastic surgery when they want to look like celebrities, or when their friends want them to be less ugly?

Celebrity.
Retarded.
Celebritarded.

Did you think about that, science?
You're supposed to be the thing that cares about thinking.

But what kind of world are you thinking us into?

Future.
Turmoil.
Futurmoil.

But fear not, world. Fear not, science.
Economics will handle this:
Because not everyone will be able to afford the wondrous new God-ignoring, child-fixing technology that's available, nothing will change in the big picture, in the grand scheme, in the unnatural order of things.

The rich get richer, and the poor stay uglier.

Except for the lucky few who are blessed by the grace of God to turn out exactly how society demands they be.

Hallelujah.
Lucrative.
Hallelucrative.

Lamazeltov

Lamaze.
Mazeltov.
Lamazeltov.

Congratulations, it's a breathing method!
What's its name?

Psychoprophylaxis.
(Its name before Dr. Fernand Lamaze popularized it.)

Sounds like a crazy condom.

No wonder it wasn't popular.
(People thought it was like a crazy straw, winding around in every direction.*
Didn't seem like it would help with giving birth very much.)

Psychoprophylaxis.
Accident.
Psychoprophylaccident.


* "Lamaze" doesn't actually sound much better.
Seems like the French word for "the maze," winding around in every direction.

Bedlam.
Lamaze.
Bedlamaze.

Begateway

Begat.
Gateway.
Begateway.

Does marijuana really lead to harder drugs like heroine?

Let's examine the arguments:

"Look at all these people who do heroine. Most of them started with marijuana. Marijuana is the gateway to heroine. Case closed."
"But what about all these people who do marijuana* who don't move on to heroine?"
"Didn't you hear? Our case was closed."

Logic like that is a gateway to other bad logic:

"Look at all these people who rape. Most of them started with kissing. Kissing is the gateway to rape. Case closed."
"But what about all the people who kiss but don't rape?"
"What are you, opposed to the War on Affection? No more kissing!"

Kiss.
Issue.
Kissue.

"Look at all these people who are obese. Most of them started eating as a baby. Baby food is the gateway to obesity. Case closed."
"That one sounds fine to me. I won't feed any more babies."

Fatso.
So Obese.
Fatsobese.

Ergo, gateways are only a gateway to more gateways.
So let's just stop talking about them.

Gateway.
Wayside.
Gatewayside.


* I recognize that "to do" marijuana might not be the most appropriate lingo.
I don't verb marijuana a lot.
I do heart freedom and logic though.

Ghostbusterility

Ghostbuster.
Sterility.
Ghostbusterility.

Who you gonna call,
when something's strange in your baby-making neighborhood (probably due to working so closely with protoplasmic slime)?