Talmudblood

Talmud.
Mudblood.
Talmudblood.

Another word for a shiksa.

Unless that's offensive, in which case I take it back.

Hebrew.
Rewind.
Hebrewind.

Abracadabrasive

Abracadabra.
Abrasive.
Abracadabrasive.

When a genie in a lamp rubs you the wrong way.

Perhaps because you rubbed IT the wrong way.

Which leads to YOU having to grant IT* three wishes.

Dodgy.
Genie.
Dodgenie.


* I used the word "it" instead of "him," choosing to be un-PC against the genie community, as opposed to the sexist option, or the awkwardness of "him or her," because a genie could certainly be either gender, and there's no way a glass ceiling could keep a genie from magicking right through it.

Gender.
Derogatory.
Genderogatory.

Gandolfinished

Gandolfini.
Finished.
Gandolfinished.

Is he? Haven't seen him around much since The Sopranos ended.

Mafia.
Finale.
Mafinale.

But a glance at his IMDB page says he's still doing fine, working regularly.

Cinema.
Manifold.
Cinemanifold.

Also, the most of his name sounds like he's a wizard from Lord of the Rings, so perhaps it's magic that's sustaining him, as the Italian Gandalf.

Ad Hoc.
Hocus Pocus.
Ad Hocus Pocus.

Elderstwhile

Elders.
Erstwhile.
Elderstwhile.

Tonight, I hosted a comedy show for an audience of about nine people.

But what they lacked in quantity, they made up in quantity of years that they had been alive.

If the amount of time lived by the aggregate of audience members that were there could have been spread out amongst a more ideal quantity of audience members, that would have solved TWO problems.

What a great magical power that would be, to be able to make the audience both younger and larger at the same time.*

Youthful.
Fuller.
Youthfuller.


* And what a selfish way that would be to use this power.

Well, if everyone came to my shows, then everyone would benefit.

Who's the selfish one now? (Answer: still me, fishing for more audience members.)

Selfish.
Fishing.
Selfishing.

Gastrickery

Gastric.
Trickery.
Gastrickery.

Bypass surgery convinces stomachs that they don't need as much food.

Stomach.
Magic.
Stomagic.

Like pulling a rabbit out of a hat.

Or more like pulling a hunger out of the body.

Both, if the person used to eat a lot of rabbits.

Bunny.
Eaten.
Bunneaten.

Fiscalamity

Fiscal.
Calamity.
Fiscalamity.

You might notice that I haven't posted much about the current economic crisis, mostly because I don't fully understand the current economic crisis.

Economy.
Omission.
Economission.

Some people don't have money. I get that.
But I don't really get where money came from.*
I hear in the beginning it was based in gold, but not anymore.

Doubloons.
Onset.
Doubloonset.

Actually, in the beginning, there was probably no gold or money or anything.**

People just gathered and hunted for their own stuff, and then maybe traded stuff for other stuff. What a ridiculous idea.

Finance.
Antiquated.
Financiquated.

Someone must have decided that this system of direct trading wasn't good enough.
And that's when money must have come about.

There was no money, and then there WAS money.
So let's just do that again. Problem solved!

Magical.
Calculation.
Magicalculation.

I'm not sure how it happened, though. I'm not a historian either.
So, how about people who have lots of money just give some of that money to people who don't have enough money?

Too simple and reasonable or un-American? Okay, how about this instead?

Maybe poor people can put their poorness up for bidding on an online auction, and rich people can purchase it.
Because for the person who thinks they have everything money can buy, poorness is the one thing they definitely DON'T have, and thus should be the thing they want the most.

Problem double-solved!

E-Bay.
Bailout.
E-Bailout.


* Maybe from a pit? I think I heard about that in a movie.

Cinema.
Money.
Cinemoney.

Sounds tasty.


** In the beginning, the first thing there was, was light (as I understand it).
THEN gold.

Light from god, money from the devil.
(In the form of an apple, which probably just stood in for gold by way of the barter system. Like I said, it's complicated and I don't fully understand financial dealings. But I do know that I like apples.)

Fruitful.
Fulfillment.
Fruitfulfillment.

Improvisland

Improvise.
Island.
Improvisland.

A magical place where nothing is planned.

Yes And.
Sandy Beaches.
Yesandy Beaches.

There's no script, you get suggestions from those around you, and then you have to work with other people to make things happen.

It's a reality show called reality.

Truth.
Things.
Truthings.

Warlocksmith

Warlock.
Locksmith.
Warlocksmith.

Where a witch goes when they lose their keys.

You'd think they could just magic their way into their home, or do some sort of locating spell to find the keys, but sorry witches, magic isn't real. *

Unless you let Jesus into your heart.
Then Jesus will let you into your home. **

Heaven helps those who pray correctly.

Divine.
Intervention.
Divintervention.


* The silver lining of this--water won't make you melt.
Or you won't float on it.
Something about water...

Wet.
Witch.
Wetch.

...but it's not totally defined.
There hasn't been a clear decision made on Salem v. Oz.


** Or at least St. Anthony.
You don't have to go through all the bureaucracy of God or Jesus.
Know who to call. ***

Saint.
Anthony.
Sainthony.


*** Not the Ghostbusters, in this instance.
Unless you lost your keys in a puddle of protoplasm.
Then pray to Egon.

Slimer.
Miracle.
Slimiracle.

Candelabracadabra

Candelabra.
Abracadabra.
Candelabracadabra.

Hanukah menorah magic.

Like pulling a kosher rabbit out of a yarmulke.

The most difficult trick of them all, because of the hat's smaller size, plus the fact that rabbit isn't kosher. *

Unkosher.
Hare.
Unkoshare.


* But if a magician can make the "t" in rabbit disappear...
(I presume that meat of a rabbi would be extra-kosher.)

Hanukah.
Cannibal.
Hanukkannibal.

(Already sounds like a Hebrew word.)

Houdinitiation

Houdini.
Initiation.
Houdinitiation.

The greatest escape artist of all time is a member of a very exclusive club.

This club is so exclusive that no human being alive is a member.
Joining is quite a feat.

Joining.
Ninja.
Joininja.

If you want to join, you must do what the escape artist did, and what every escape artist eventually does.

Not escape.

Frat.
Eternity.
Fraeternity.

Secretina

Secret.
Retina.
Secretina.

The mystical third eye that can lead to higher consciousness.

If you can't see it, just open your mind. Or your third eye.

Or just draw it on with a magical marker.

Smart.
Artist.
Smartist.

Gopheroic

Gopher.
Heroic.
Gopheroic.

Groundhog's Day is coming up.
A burrowing rodent* can save us all from more winter
(if you believe in that sort of magic**).

Burrow.
Rodent.
Burrodent.


* Gophers and groundhogs actually differ in a few key ways that don't affect my life or this blog post: size, aggression level, number of natural predators, ability to swim, whether they hibernate, and when they breed, for example.

Knowledge.
Education.
Knowleducation.

They don't differ in relevant ways that I've already mentioned (they're burrowing rodents).


** In which case, why not just ask Santa for a shorter winter?
e.g. "I'm dreaming of a white Christmas, and then an immediate spring."

Winter.
Terminated.
Winterminated.

And if you've been bad, then he brings you coal instead, and you use that to warm yourself up.

Win-win.
Winter.
Win-winter.

Magiciantics

Magician.
Antics.
Magiciantics.

Sawing a woman in half.
Why always a woman?
It can't be sex appeal... she's wearing a box, and cut into pieces.
If that's meant to be attractive, society's message has gotten lost on its way to me.

Maybe it's symbolic revenge on someone who came to King Solomon.
One woman agrees to have a baby cut in half, and so she is cut in half, essentially in effigy, at magic shows for the rest of time.

Effigy.
Gyno.
Effigyno.

It's in line with the way the universe has treated other women...
Eve is tricked by the devil into eating the forbidden fruit, and all future generations of women suffer painful childbirth.

(God punishes all women for what one MALE demon did.
The whole universe is an old boys' club.
Probably the oldest.)

And the sawing in half is just another representation of that devil-induced painful childbirth (in C-section format).

Carpentry.
Pentagram.
Carpentagram.