Premedial

Premed.
Remedial.
Premedial.

Classes for people who will not become doctors.

Doctors.
Or something else.
Doctorsomething else.

Tic-Tactic

Tic-Tac.
Tactic.
Tic-Tactic.

How to get someone with bad breath to stop doing that.

Halitosis.
Cease and Desist.
Halitosease and Desist.

Hospitalian

Hospital.
Italian.
Hospitalian.

A medical facility where the food is enjoyable.

Also, it's where you end up when the mafia tries to make you sleep with the fishes, but you just end up taking a nap with them.

(Sleep is to death as nap is to coma?)

Pain.
Analogy.
Painalogy.

Traffiction

Traffic.
Fiction.
Traffiction.

There are no cars in front of you.

They're all in your mind.

Just keep driving forward.

Also, there is no spoon.

So, good luck eating the soup they serve you in the hospital after your car accident.

Silverware.
Wary.
Silverwary.

Gastrickery

Gastric.
Trickery.
Gastrickery.

Bypass surgery convinces stomachs that they don't need as much food.

Stomach.
Magic.
Stomagic.

Like pulling a rabbit out of a hat.

Or more like pulling a hunger out of the body.

Both, if the person used to eat a lot of rabbits.

Bunny.
Eaten.
Bunneaten.

Colonoscopycat

Colonoscopy.
Copycat.
Colonoscopycat.

A procedure very similar to a colonoscopy, but not quite.

Be careful out there.

Or in there.

(I would have left that last line out, but I'm sure that only would have encouraged people to insert their own joke, then make their own jokes about insertion, and I wanted to shoulder all of the responsibility here for this entire atrocity, including additional jokes about the "shoulder" not being the body part in question. See? I let no one else be the butt of any jokes; I take it all on, with this comedy dying for all of your sins.)

Proctology.
Jesus.
Proctologesus.

Ambulancelot

Ambulance.
Lancelot.
Ambulancelot.

The modern-day equivalent of a knight in shining armor that might not protect you BEFORE you get hurt, but helps out after the fact.

My hERo.

Macho.
Hospital.
Machospital.

Advillain

Advil.
Villain.
Advillain.

Headache-Man's arch-nemesis.

Enemy.
Migraine.
Enemigraine.

Twinitials

Twin.
Initials.
Twinitials.

People who share the same letters starting their first and last name.

For example, here are some of my (Myq Kaplan's) initial twins:

Mike Katz (a guy I went to college with, not someone I'm making up)

Unimaginary.
A Real Person.
Unimaginareal Person.

Martin Luther King (if you ignore his pesky middle name that no one uses much anyway, right?)

Civic.
Victor.
Civictor.

Mortal Kombat (did I say they had to be people? fine, then this will be the name of my first child*)

Moniker.
Krrrrunch!
Monikerrrunch!

Those are actually the only ones I could come up with. Anyone have other ideas?
Are there no celebrities with just the initials MK? Is it forbidden? Am I forever doomed to a life of simple happiness and productivity on a reasonable and enjoyable scale?

Fulfilment.
Entire.
Fulfilmentire.


* I'm not actually planning on having children, but I very well may change my last name to "Kombat." That couldn't lead to any more spelling konfusion.
e.g. "That's right, it's Myq with a Y and a Q, and Kombat with a K, no, this isn't a prank, hello? Hello? Please, I need my medicine!"
(In this scenario, I am on the phone with some sort of medical provider, it seems.
Which is optimistic about either my future financial situation or prospects for universal health care, or both. Here's hoping, you skeptics!)

Alphabet.
Bitter.
Alphabitter.

Boardwawkward

Boardwalk.
Awkward.
Boardwawkward.

When I was a child, I was apparently very good at Monopoly.

Relatives suggested that I should become an accountant when I grew up because of this.
(Also because I was Jewish.* Or at least Jewy-ish.)

Jewish.
Wishy-Washy.
Jewishy-Washy.

But I honestly wasn't interested in real life banking.

I knew I was supposed to want to do something to make money, but I didn't know what to do.

Employment.
Mentality.
Employmentality.

So I decided that I wanted someone to hire me to just be myself.
Someone rich who could afford to support my lifestyle** in exchange for being entertained.

Financier.
Serious.
Financierious.

Like a court jester to a king.
(But with less chance of having my head cut off.)

Clown.
Ownership.
Clownership.

And look--that stupid and beautiful dream has sort of come true!

I jest for a living, and I occasionally go to court.
(There's some of that jesting!)

And sure, I might not work for a specific king, but I do entertain masses of people, and in a democracy, masses of people are king, right?
(I'm no political-ologist.)

Uncommon.
Monarch.
Uncommonarch.

So my wildest Monopoly dreams have come true...
I travel by thimble, my career has passed Go and I'm sure I've collected at least $200.

(Sorry I don't know the exact amount--I'm not an accountant.)

Ecstatic.
Statistics.
Ecstatistics.


* Jewish grandmothers are mandated to push for their children to join our holy trinity of stereotypes: the doctor, the lawyer, and the accountant.

Kosher.
Heroes.
Kosheroes.


** My lifestyle at the time consisted mainly of Spider-Man comic books.
Financing it would have been a bargain.
(Sorry, potential financiers who don't have time machines.)

Chronology.
Apology.
Chronopology.***

I've come a long way since then.
Now my lifestyle is comic books AND Netflix.
(And blogging, but that's on me.)


*** Monopoly's sequel.

Where you magically travel back in time to make good financial investments.

Capitalism.
Talisman.
Capitalisman.

Tapestricentennial

Tapestry.
Tricentennial.
Tapestricentennial.

I wasn't sure the best word ending in "-try," to mark this 300th post.
So here is a collection representing the journey of possibilities that was traveled.

Entry: Come on in...
Carpentry: I constructed this for you
Artistry: with care and thought
Chemistry: to create a connection
Poetry: expressed only through words
Circuitry: typed into computers
Industry: created by large corporations
Idolatry: which society worships
Ministry: to the dismay of religion
Ancestry: which historically
Psychiatry: could use some help
Dentistry: with flossing
Bigotry: intolerance out of its being.
Toiletry: How did we end up here?

Happy 300, everyone, whether you like it or not!

Fun.
Unfun.
Funfun!

Cocktailment

Cocktail.
Ailment.
Cocktailment.

A cute name you have for your alcoholism.

Martini.
Neurosis.
Martineurosis.

That is...

Margarita.
Relapse.
Margarilapse.

...until your liver has finished living.*

Chaser.
Cirrhosis.
Chasirrhosis.


* And when a thinger stops thinging, that's it.
Because that's its thing.
A liver lives.
And you live because your liver lives.
You are a liver because of your liver.
And you won't be living without a living liver.
(Unless a new liver is delivered.)

Delivery.
Veritable.
Deliveritable.

And even then, maybe not.

Transplant.
Anti-climactic.
Transplanti-climactic.

Sorry if this got too negative.
Don't worry.
You are statistically much less likely to die in a liver transplant surgery than you are in a drunk driving accident.
There.

Positivity.
Typical.
Positivitypical.

Alcoholistic

Alcohol.
Holistic.
Alcoholistic.

They do say to drink plenty of fluids when you're sick.

Belch.
L'chaim.
Bel'chaim.

Also, an apple a day keeps the doctor away.
So a bunch of apples with a lot of life experience, fermented over time into hard cider?
That should keep all the doctors away.
Might even kill them.

Doctor.
Torture.
Doctorture.

And what more natural path to health?
Poison your doctors, and you're at least healthier by comparison.

Homeopathic.
Thick-headed.
Homeopathick-headed.

Bloodles

Blood.
Oodles.*
Bloodles.

Rhyming with "poodles," an equally adorable way to describe massive bleeding to distract a person with massive bleeding.

Sad irony: "bloodles" is only one letter away from "bloodless," its adjectival opposite.

e.g. "Is there a lot of blood?"
The number of "s"s** in the answer is extremely important.


* Note that this is an unorthodox usage of the word "oodles," which was coined really to only describe an amount of noodles.
But I believe "bloodles" will catch on.
e.g. "Hold on, doctor! The Red Cross is almost here with their delivery of bloodles!"

** What's the best way to write the plural of the letter "s"?
"S"s? S's? Esses? Sz? S'?
Who pluralizes the pluralizer?

Pterodactylenol

Pterodactyl.
Tylenol.
Pterodactylenol.

What you need when you hear one scream.