Imaginaryans

Imaginary.
Aryans.
Imaginaryans.

All that there would be if Holocaust deniers were correct.

Figment.
Mentality.
Figmentality.


PS They who denied it, supplied it.

TMIT

TMI.
MIT.
TMIT.

Too much information about the Massachusetts Institute of Technology.

Or a new restaurant chain: Thank Mohammed It's Thursday.

No? How about TYIS? (Thank Yahweh It's Saturday.)

Nachos.
Chosen Ones.
Nachosen Ones.

Facoctagon

Facacta.
Octagon.
Facoctagon.

A shape that's supposed to have eight sides but doesn't.

Also it's Jewish.

Meshugge.
Geometry.
Meshuggeometry.

Talmudblood

Talmud.
Mudblood.
Talmudblood.

Another word for a shiksa.

Unless that's offensive, in which case I take it back.

Hebrew.
Rewind.
Hebrewind.

Abrahamlet

Abraham.
Hamlet.
Abrahamlet.

To be or not to be the father of Judaism.

Oy Vey.
Vague.
Oy Vague.

Skunkosher

Skunk.
Unkosher.
Skunkosher.

I don't know if any religions outlaw the eating of this animal, but they probably don't have to.

Pepe Le Pew.
Putrid.
Pepe Le Pewtrid.

Karattweiler

Karate.
Rottweiler.
Karattweiler.

A canine that will only use its very disciplined viciousness on you in self-defense.

Judo.
Dog.
Judog.*

Its bark is worse than its bite, but its roundhouse kick is worse than both of those.

Fido.
Dojo.
Fidojo.

At least it can't punch you. (Dogs don't have hands.)

Tai Chi.
Chihuahua.
Tai Chihuahua.


* This word also sounds like it can also be used as an anti-Semetic slur, for anyone out there who hates Jews and dogs alike.

Yarmulke.
Kennel.
Yarmulkennel.

Debriss

Debris.
Briss.
Debriss.

The piece of waste that remains after a ceremonial circumcision.

Shalom.
Omission.
Shalomission.

You might also call it a "circumcised baby."

Infant.
Anti-Climactic.
Infanti-Climactic.

Hippiety

Hippie.
Piety.
Hippiety.

Yesterday in Central Park, I was playing frisbee and hackysack with some friends, and an Orthodox Jew happened upon us.

He asked us if we were Jewish, and when he found out who among us was, he offered Sabbath candles and blessings and asked if we wanted to pray with him.

Which I think demonstrates a difference between particularly religious Jews and particularly religious folks of other faiths--non-Jews often go out preaching and trying to convert others, while Jews will simply try to convert their own.

Jew.
Jehovah's Witnesses.
Jewhovah's Witnesses.*


* As in...

Knock knock.
Jews there.

Jew.
Jew who?

Jewhovah.

Derogatorah

Derogatory.
Torah.
Derogatorah.

The books of the Bible written by your stereotypical Jewish mother that tell you how you never write or call enough.

Parental.
Talmud.
Parentalmud.

Robat Mitzvah

Robot.
Bat Mitzvah.
Robat Mitzvah.

The day a female robot becomes a man.

Tron.
Transexual.
Tronsexual.


(See also Babar Mitzvah.)

Easterical

Easter.
Hysterical.
Easterical.

Tonight I performed on a Jewish-themed comedy show commemorating Jesus' rise from the dead.

Reincarnate.
Naturally.
Reincarnaturally.

The idea being that the show should appeal to people who aren't in church with their God and such.

Prayers.
Erstwhile.
Prayerstwhile.

Of course, God is everywhere at all times, so they could have come to the show and been with him also. Also they would have been with a lot of Jews.

Jew.
Ubiquitous.
Jewbiquitous.

The show went well.

Jews usually enjoy laughing at me.
Maybe because I'm a Jew.

Non-Jews usually enjoy laughing at me as well.
Maybe because I'm a Jew.

So apparently, laughing at Jews can unite us all.
Someone get the Middle East on the line! *

Chuckling.
Ingredients.
Chucklingredients.


* This may not actually fly.
I'm not sure Israelis work the same way as the Jews I know.
(Also I don't know if "the Middle East" has its own phone.)

Israel.
Hello?
Israello?

Mimoses

Mimosa.
Moses.
Mimoses.

Someone who led people through the desert for forty years searching for brunch.

Alcohol.
Holy.
Alcoholy.

Passovernacular

Passover.
Vernacular.
Passovernacular.

Why is tonight different from all other nights?

Nocturnal.
Alternative.
Nocturnalternative.

Because tonight we commemorate the Jewish escape from hundreds of years of slavery in Egypt with a pre-dinner service that also seems to last hundreds of years.

Centuries.
Restrained.
Centuriestrained.

Douchebagel

Douchebag.
Bagel.
Douchebagel.

Derogatory term describing someone who is annoying and also descended from the Israelites.

Jew.
Jerk.
Jewrk.

Culterior

Cult.
Ulterior.
Culterior.

My mother sent me to Sunday school as a child because she worried that without religious guidance, I might have a hole in my spirit* that could be taken advantage of by some exploitative group.**

Sunday.
Dazed.
Sundazed.

So I was indoctrinated into an AUTHORIZED cult to avoid being swept up by an unauthorized one.

Out of the frying pan and into the kosher frying pan.

Glatt.
Attaboy.
Glattaboy.

I ultimately escaped unscathed.
And you can, too, if you haven't already.
You don't have to live your life like anyone else tells you.
Listen to me, and you'll be free from outside influence.
Just do what I do and say, and you're your own person.

Win.
Individual.
Windividual.


* Like when you sneeze your soul out of your body which opens the door for the devil to get in.

Troubles.
Blessing.
Troublessing.


** Like the Jews for Jesus.

Jews.
Jesus.
Jewsus.

Or the Mormons for Mohammed.

Mormon.
Mohammed.
Mormohammed.

Or the Hindus for Buddha.

Hindu.
Buddha.
Hinduddha.

Or the Christians for Zeus.

Jesus.
Zeus.
Jezeus.

Babar Mitzvah

Babar.
Bar Mitzvah.
Babar Mitzvah.

The day an elephant REALLY never forgets, because it is the day he becomes a man.

Which is the reverse of most bar mitzvahs, where Jewish boys hit puberty and start growing all misshapen and having skin problems like an elephant.*

Pachyderm.
Dermatology.
Pachydermatology.


* If only their tusks weren't made of ivory but rather of Ivory soap.
One of nature's great ironies.

Also, doves are not made of Dove soap.
Though I don't know what Dove itself is made of.
(I'm no soapsmith.)

The dove is meant to represent peace, so it would probably make a soothing body bar.

Soapy.
Peaceful.
Soapeaceful.

Boardwawkward

Boardwalk.
Awkward.
Boardwawkward.

When I was a child, I was apparently very good at Monopoly.

Relatives suggested that I should become an accountant when I grew up because of this.
(Also because I was Jewish.* Or at least Jewy-ish.)

Jewish.
Wishy-Washy.
Jewishy-Washy.

But I honestly wasn't interested in real life banking.

I knew I was supposed to want to do something to make money, but I didn't know what to do.

Employment.
Mentality.
Employmentality.

So I decided that I wanted someone to hire me to just be myself.
Someone rich who could afford to support my lifestyle** in exchange for being entertained.

Financier.
Serious.
Financierious.

Like a court jester to a king.
(But with less chance of having my head cut off.)

Clown.
Ownership.
Clownership.

And look--that stupid and beautiful dream has sort of come true!

I jest for a living, and I occasionally go to court.
(There's some of that jesting!)

And sure, I might not work for a specific king, but I do entertain masses of people, and in a democracy, masses of people are king, right?
(I'm no political-ologist.)

Uncommon.
Monarch.
Uncommonarch.

So my wildest Monopoly dreams have come true...
I travel by thimble, my career has passed Go and I'm sure I've collected at least $200.

(Sorry I don't know the exact amount--I'm not an accountant.)

Ecstatic.
Statistics.
Ecstatistics.


* Jewish grandmothers are mandated to push for their children to join our holy trinity of stereotypes: the doctor, the lawyer, and the accountant.

Kosher.
Heroes.
Kosheroes.


** My lifestyle at the time consisted mainly of Spider-Man comic books.
Financing it would have been a bargain.
(Sorry, potential financiers who don't have time machines.)

Chronology.
Apology.
Chronopology.***

I've come a long way since then.
Now my lifestyle is comic books AND Netflix.
(And blogging, but that's on me.)


*** Monopoly's sequel.

Where you magically travel back in time to make good financial investments.

Capitalism.
Talisman.
Capitalisman.

Stupork

Stupor.
Pork.
Stupork.

Pigs are supposed to be smart, but if they're so smart, then how come they get eaten so much?

Bacon.
Constantly.
Baconstantly.

Sure, they may have tricked Jews and Muslims into leaving them be. For now.

And yes, they've also escaped the wrath of the Big Bad Wolf.

(By convincing him that he should follow Judeo-Islamic teachings and not blow down their house on the sabbath.)

Shalom.
Lone Wolf.
Shalone Wolf.

But as much as people declare that the pig is smarter than the dog, it's true, the dog might be mindlessly fetching its master's newspaper to read over breakfast, but more often than not, the pig IS that breakfast.

Porcine.
Inevitability.
Porcinevitability.

Amenstruation

Amen.
Menstruation.
Amenstruation.

PMS ends with a prayer.

To whomever.

Tampon.
Pontiff.
Tampontiff.