Siloathing

Silo.
Loathing.
Siloathing.

There exist stores of food that are being wasted while some people are wasting away, or at least wasting down to a smaller waist size.

Dietary.
Terrible.
Dietarrible.

Expedietary

Expedite.
Dietary.
Expedietary.

A get-rich-quick scheme and a get-thin-quick scheme combined:

Stop buying food!

As religious groups say, abstinence is the only method that's 100%.

Starvin'.
Vindication.
Starvindication.

Vegetabully

Vegetable.
Bully.
Vegetabully.

The neighborhood aggressor who takes your lunch money and spends it on health food.

Salad.
Addition.
Saladdition.

Which is probably better than what you would have spent it on.

He's a utilitarian, really.

Ethical.
Calculator.
Ethicalculator.

Someone who's thinking globally and acting locally about the obesity problem.

Morbidly.
Liaison.
Morbidliaison.

A modern day Robin Hood, robbing from the fat.

(Which is pretty simple, as the fat are not great at giving chase.
It's like taking candy from a baby.*)

Slow.
Obese.
Slobese.

So you may not always have your lunch, but you also may not get diabetes.

Diabetes.
Beaten.
Diabeaten.

Talk about having your cake and not eating it too.
Because someone took it.
For your own good.

Hordes.
Desserts.
Hordesserts.


* Taking candy from a baby has such a bad rap.
But it's really the best thing FOR the baby.
I mean, do they really want to start rotting the almost no teeth they hardly have already?

Burden.
Dental.
Burdental.

Cosmoking

Cosmo.
Smoking.
Cosmoking.

I have an article to pitch to Cosmopolitan Magazine.

Cigarettes are the new black (lung)!

Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis.
Sistah!
Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosistah!

Not only do they darken your insides, they also make your organs skinnier, which makes YOU skinnier!

Thin.
Incognito.
Thincognito.

Another benefit, there's that sexy emphysema voice!

Raspy.
Speech.
Raspeech.

Plus, if you get cancer, chemo makes you even thinner, plus you lose your hair which means only one thing... it's awesome wig time!

Sexy.
Extensions.
Sextensions.

And the ultimate benefit: cigarettes can also be used to burn all of your Cosmopolitans to a crisp, or at least end your life sooner so that you don't have to read as many of them anymore.

You're free of the evil!

Women.
Menace.
Womenace.

Contemplatinate

Contemplate.
Latinate.
Contemplatinate.

I performed at a religious school called Albertus Magnus, whose name seems to come from the Latin for "Fat Albert."

Hey hey hey, it's Jesus Christ!

Obesity.
Situation.
Obesituation.

Seppukulele

Seppuku.*
Ukulele.
Seppukulele.

Music to kill yourself by, with honor.

Hari Kari.
Aria.
Hari Karia.

Or, music that causes you to kill yourself or others, honor notwithstanding.

Assassins.
Instrument.
Assassinstrument.


* Literally "stomach-cutting," which wouldn't necessarily mean death in today's terms.

It could just mean weight loss surgery, a more modern way to avoid shame.

Either way, it explains why "puke" is right in the middle.

Seppuku.
Upchuck.
Supchucku.

Though that might sound less like a vomitous ritual and more like a suppertime nunchuck.

As opposed to the midday weapon.

Lunch.
Nunchucks.
Lunchucks.

(See also Nunchuck E. Cheese.)

Caloryu

Calorie.
Ryu.
Caloryu.

The new streetfighter diet has you rid yourself of extra weight via fireball, getting you back into fighting shape faster than you can say "Hadouken!"
(Actually, exactly as fast as you can say it.)

Judo.
Doughy.
Judoughy.

Of course, the release of the fireball can be an efficient way to power up the barbecue and cook one's next meal...

Flames.
Mesquite.
Flamesquite.

... so it's important to balance your cheese intake against your chi output.
(And not just cheese, but also other fattening foods that don't sound similar, like chocolate, for example.)

Mocha.
Chakras.
Mochakras.

Majestick

Majestic.
Stick.
Majestick.

New word to use if you can't think of "sceptre."

Except.
Sceptre.
Exceptre.

If you become the monarch and want to change entirely, go for it.

King.
Lingo.
Klingo.*


* Sorry if that looks too much like a Star Trek villain.

Inkling.
Klingon.
Inklingon.

As the monarch, you can determine if it should instead read "Kingo," or possibly "Kinglyngo/Kinglingo," short for "Kingly Lingo."

Heavy is the head that wears the crown.
(Not just a secret way of calling the ruler a fat-head.)

Insult.
Sultan.
Insultan.

Volcanorexia

Volcano.
Anorexia.
Volcanorexia.

These mountains hardly eat anything.
(Just the occasional virgin sacrifice.)

Purity.
Ritual.
Puritual.

And sometimes they spew.
(So it's more like bulimia, actually.)

Stomach.
Magma.
Stomagma.

Eating disorders can be dangerous.
Just ask the people of Pompeii.

Graves.
Vesuvius.
Gravesuvius.

Pathostess

Pathos.
Hostess.
Pathostess.

Sadness over eating too many cupcakes.

Too much Ho-Ho can lead to feeling so-so, a rest stop on the road to "No! No!" *

Twinkies.
Keister.
Twinkeister.


* Unless you get pulled over by the diet po-po.

Busted.
Edible.
Bustedible.

Momentummy

Momentum.
Tummy.
Momentummy.

When you just can't stop eating.*

You're on a roll.
Growing rounder until you will roll.
From stuffing yourself with too many rolls.
So that you can't even fit into your fancy car, a Rolls.**
And your stomach is upset and you need relief, spelled starting with the letters "Rol"...

Rolaid.
Idea.
Rolaidea.


* It's called being an American.

Patriot.
Eats.
Patreats.


** You probably can't afford a Rolls.
You bought too many rolls.
But at least you can roll everywhere.
You're all set.

Bread.
Ready.
Bready.

Taftermath

Taft.
Aftermath.
Taftermath.

A president got stuck in his bathtub.
After word got out of that, how much must his credibility have been shot?

I think I would rather not be famous, if the choice is to famous for being that fat.
I'd rather be a nobody than President Bathtub.*

Cellulite.
Leader.
Celluleader.


* So far, wish granted!
Though, with the modern technology that exists now, a fat president could probably afford liposuction. Or a larger bathtub.

And I don't really think of myself as a nobody. I'm more of a whoever.

In conclusion, my wish is to be somewhere in between a nobody and a fat president.**

Genie.
Neither.
Geneither.


** Maybe a fit comptroller.
("Comptroller" is a real word, but looks like one I could have made up, combining "computer," "troll," and maybe "controller" for good measure.
So to clarify, my goal is to be a controlling, computing troll who is in good shape.)

Pepperonin

Pepperoni.
Ronin.
Pepperonin.

A masterless samurai who fills the void with pizza (his new master).

Parmesan.
Sensei.
Parmesensei.

New master Pizza-san demands whole new wardrobe (fighting diapers).

Japan.
Pants.
Japants.

"Samurai" can quickly become "Sumo why?"

Sausage.
Sagacity.
Sausagacity.

Cokey Dokey

Coke.
Okey dokey.
Cokey dokey.

Coca-Cola is comprised of evil plus delicious.
(Plus a secret ingredient, which is another dose of evil. Secret evil.)

Growing up, I was limited to drinking milk regularly, and was only permitted to poison my insides on special occasions.

And I loved it.

The diabolical organization responsible created the lie of Santa Claus, not to trick children into being good, but to trick adults into purchasing too much high fructose corn syrup.
e.g. "That man is fat but also jolly and I want my kids to be happy, so what's he drinking?"
(They also made up Santa the Polar Bear, but he really just brings toys to all the good polar bears and girls.
A bear cannot be as easily corrupted as a human.)

As an adult, I eventually saw through Coke/Santa's deception (being Jewish helped).
You might say I took whichever pill from the Matrix would make a good analogy.
(Hopefully not one with X-mas colors.)

Point is, now I'm popping pills instead of drinking soda.
Exchanging one kind of pop for another, the noun for the verb.

But so many people are still living the lie of Santa and corn and toys and acid drink.
New York City is doing what it can, having proposed an obesity tax placed on items like non-diet soda*.
A great idea, especially if its application is announced over a loudspeaker system whenever a purchase is made.
e.g. "A Coke? With the OBESITY TAX, that comes to [some ridiculous amount], Fatso. Why aren't you crying more?"

If knowledge can't do the job, perhaps shame can.

It might be difficult, in a world where so many people just see the word "obese" as plural of "oboose" (a word whose meaning they don't care about) and not as short for "Oh, Be [the size of] a city" (a directive they apparently do care about).

But working together, we can spread the knowledge and shame and bring the evil empire of Coca Cola to its knees, or at least hunch it over to a slightly lower share of the market so the advantage goes to Pepsi, who commissioned the writing of this post.

Pepsi.
Psychology.
Pepsychology.


* Diet soda is exempt from the obesity tax, because its lobby was created by Satan himself.
The greatest trick he ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist.
The second-greatest trick he ever pulled was convincing the world that diet soda is healthy.

Ninjitsumo

Ninjitsu.
Sumo.
Ninjitsumo.

When getting fat sneaks up on you and strikes without your even noticing it.

Anorexistentialism

Anorexia.
Existentialism.
Anorexistentialism.

A philosophy concerned with the condition of the unhealthily skinny human's place in the universe.

Pillsburial

Pillsbury.
Burial.
Pillsburial.

It's either when you go on a diet, and bakery sweets are dead to you
OR
when you kill the doughboy to eat him and he is buried in your stomach.

It's up to you.
Is your stomach half empty or half full?
Are you half fat or half skinny?
Are you half deluding yourself one way or half deluding yourself the other way?