Canadamant

Canada.
Adamant.
Canadamant.

In college, I sang in an a capella group called VoiceMale (I didn't name it, but would have been happy to name it that, were it up to me), and we went on tour down the east coast of this country but also up to Montreal, because, damn it, people wanted to see strippers with their eyes and beers with their mouths, and Canada's drinking age was lower than ours, so score!

Montreal.
Realistic.
Montrealistic.

The score after a trip to one bar and two strip clubs was as follows--
Beers: 14, Shots: 2, Time Asleep: unknown, due to being asleep.
(That's what happens when an a capella group sings in a bar and gets pitchers sent over to them by people who love the singing or are trying to bribe us to stop, and you add in the fact that only a couple of the guys in the group actually drank to begin with.)

Sleepy.
Period.
Sleeperiod.

I woke up from my nap that you might call "having passed out" if you were a stickler for that sort of thing, I eliminated the problem from my body from whence it came, and I went back to our hotel or wherever we were staying, I don't remember, I was drunk. For the very first time, did I mention? That's what this story is about.

Virgin.
Gin and Tonic.
Virgin and Tonic.

Then when I woke up the next day, I had the biggest hangover. It was probably the worst pain I'd ever felt, and my parents got divorced when I was a kid. (But they didn't hit me in the head with the power of that many drinks.) Also I figured they were better off living the lives they wanted to lead. No worries.

Point is, it was no good, so I promised no one in particular (maybe myself?) that I'd never drink that much again. And I didn't. Until the next time. A capella!

Until.
Illness.
Untillness.


(See also Hungovery.)

Pabstinence

Pabst.
Abstinence.
Pabstinence.

The only 100% effective method against something horrible happening.

Like forgetting to not drink Pabst.

Accidental.
Alcohol.
Accidentalcohol.

Pinoir

Pinot.
Noir.
Pinoir.

A quicker way to order wine, for the drunk on the go.

Wino.
Knowledge.
Winowledge.

Drinkling

Drink.
Inkling.
Drinkling.

Right between consciousness and blacking out, when you know you've had too much alcohol but are starting to forget everything including that.

Drunk.
Unconscious.
Drunconscious.

Hungovery

Hungover.
Very.
Hungovery.

If I were, I wouldn't have the wherewithal to write this.

(I wouldn't even have the wherewithal to come up with the word "wherewithal.")

Wherewithal.
Hallelujah.
Wherewithallelujah.

I've only been VERY hungover twice in my life, because after the first time, I swore I would never let it happen again, it was so horrible.

Then I forgot, hence the second time.

Forgetful.
Foolish.
Forgetfoolish.

Did you know, Savannah is one of the few places in the country where you can take a to-go cup of alcohol outside of a bar, legally?

I should have taken advantage of that law.

Because that would have taken me AWAY from the bar and its free drinks which would lead to the ultimate battle the next morning between my brain and my stomach, a painful battle over whether more fluids should be allowed in to replenish those lost (the brain's desire, in order to diminish the pain) or whether no fluid should ever be allowed to enter the body and stay there again (the stomach's desire, as it had been burned by certain fluids the night before).

Fluid.
Idiot.
Fluidiot.

So, let this be a lesson to you. Or to me, at least.

If you swear never to do something ever again, remember that you swore not to do it.

Especially if the the thing that you swore not to do is the sort of thing that would attack your capacity to remember even more in the future.

Memory.
Moratorium.
Memoratorium.

Promenada

Promenade.
Nada.
Promenada.

At 3am today, I performed for a comedy club full of kids who had just come from their high school proms. Exciting!

Dance.
Antsy.
Dantsy.

You see, comedy clubs provide an important service: preventing underage drinking and providing a late-night venue for these kids that is not a hotel room.

Marriott.
Riotous.
Marriottous.

Because teenagers having sex is usually just a last resort activity, after all possible comedy options have been exhausted, when they just end up settling for some wacky bedroom antics which follow the less hilarious opening act of the hotel staff.*

Bellhop.
Hopeless.
Bellhopeless.

So I did my duty today in the fight against teen pregnancy.

Unless you count my impregnating them with a laughter fetus that incubated immediately and repeatedly.

Talk about hysterical pregnancies. (Boom.)

Guffaw.
Awesome.
Guffawesome.


* Hotel "staff" not at all intended to be a play on words that could imply the hotel staff are being inappropriate with the children.

Unless there are hotels running secret child sex rings (then pun coincidentally intended).

Brothel.
Hilton.
Brothilton.

Spellcheckler

Spellcheck.
Heckler.
Spellcheckler.

When Microsoft Word yells at you because it doesn't get your style.

Capitalize this, punctuate that, format this, need help with that?
LET ME JUST DO MY ACT!

Main difference between computer and living person heckling:
real life heckler is probably doing so because they're drunk.
robot heckler is probably doing so because YOU're drunk.*

Alcohol.
Asshole.
Alc-Hole.**


* Oh, you don't like that I capitalized the "YOU" but not the "re" in "YOU're," eh, Blogger program?
It's called artistic license, asshole.

Artistic.
Ticked Off.
Artisticked Off.

(I'm not really angry or drunk right now--and this is actually a perfect example of the situation I'm describing here.
So thanks, computer.
Sometimes we CAN work together, to demonstrate how sometimes we CAN'T work together.)

Robo.
Bonding.
Robonding.


** "Alc-Hole" doesn't follow this website's standard rules for combining words that I routinely break anyway, but it seems like too useful a word to ignore.

e.g. "Is that guy nice?"
"He's fine when he's sober, but he can be a real Alc-Hole."

Unnecessary.
Explanation.
Unnecexplanation.

Moviehicle

Movie.
Vehicle.
Moviehicle.

Sometimes a film will be referred to as a vehicle for a certain actor.

That could be confusing under certain circumstances:
e.g. "In this scene in the Vin Diesel vehicle, Vin Diesel's vehicle is fueled with diesel. Diesel vin*."

Gasoline.
Linear.
Gasolinear.

This is confusing for a few reasons, most salient of which is probably "Why is someone talking about Vin Diesel?"
(Unless to ask that very question.)

Recursivity.
Vin Diesel.
Recursvin Diesel.


* That last part only makes sense if the person speaking accidentally uses the French word for wine instead of gas.
Or purposefully does so.
It could happen.

Once a person decides to review a Vin Diesel movie, I'd say anything is possible.

Especially if that person already has wine on the brain, literally and figuratively, which could also explain why they A) saw the movie, and B) are now talking about it.

Talk.
Alcohol.
Talkohol.

Mimoses

Mimosa.
Moses.
Mimoses.

Someone who led people through the desert for forty years searching for brunch.

Alcohol.
Holy.
Alcoholy.

Tipsychic

Tipsy.
Psychic.
Tipsychic.

Someone who develops ESP after a few drinks.

e.g. "I predict that I'm going to puke and fall down simultaneously."

Clairvoyant.
Antics.
Clairvoyantics.

Which sounds irresponsible, but actually creates the perfect circumstances for the drunk's child's science fair experiment, testing whether gravity applies equally to man and vomit.

Responsible.
Bulimia.
Responsibulimia.

And one final point on the subject of throwing up and predicting the future...

If a man named Ralph ralphs, does he feel as though he should have seen it coming?

Or has he likely resigned himself to the predestination of the situation, like an unavoidable prophecy that would have come to pass no matter how much care was taken to keep it from happening?
(Like the classic tragic tales of Oedipus or Final Destination.)

Oedipus.
Pukes.
Oedipukes.

Alcohulk

Alcohol.
Hulk.
Alcohulk.

Someone who gets dumber and and greener when they drink.

Drunk.
Unknowing.
Drunknowing.

There are likely some anger issues involved as well.*

Angry.
Green.
Angreen.

(See also Hulcer and Doppelganger Management.)

Mackerelapse

Mackerel.
Relapse.
Mackerelapse.

When an alcoholic falls off the wagon and starts drinking like a fish again.

(The wagon was next to the ocean.)

Aqua.
Alcohol.
Alquahol.

Analogesus

Analogy.
Jesus.
Analogesus.

Water is to wine.

Shindigression

Shindig.
Digression.
Shindigression.

When you get sidetracked from a party.

e.g. "Ooh, what's going on in this room? Me throwing up? Out a window? Fascinating! (Sorry, late-comers!)"

Defenestrate.
Stragglers.
Defenestragglers.

Hammeredial

Hammered.
Redial.
Hammeredial.

The older, dumber sibling of the simple drunk dial.

Often made so drunkenly that it doesn't go through, due to the caller's not even using a phone.
Just yelling incoherently into an object that they believe IS a phone.
A baby monitor, a radio, a coconut*, whatever.

Communicate.
Catastrophe.
Communicatastrophe.


* A coconut might actually accidentally work as a phone if the caller's roommate is the Professor from Gilligan's Island.
Or it might work as a bowl to eat dessert out of if the caller's roommate is insensitive enough to have used all the dishes.
(Which could be the same roommate, if the Professor forgot all about dishwashing etiquette on that island.)

Professor.
Sorbet.
Professorbet.

Psilocybinoculars

Psilocybin.
Binoculars.
Psilocybinoculars.

Beer goggles, but for mushrooms.

They make the opposite sex look like universal truth.

Enlightened.
Tendencies.
Enlightendencies.

Cocktailment

Cocktail.
Ailment.
Cocktailment.

A cute name you have for your alcoholism.

Martini.
Neurosis.
Martineurosis.

That is...

Margarita.
Relapse.
Margarilapse.

...until your liver has finished living.*

Chaser.
Cirrhosis.
Chasirrhosis.


* And when a thinger stops thinging, that's it.
Because that's its thing.
A liver lives.
And you live because your liver lives.
You are a liver because of your liver.
And you won't be living without a living liver.
(Unless a new liver is delivered.)

Delivery.
Veritable.
Deliveritable.

And even then, maybe not.

Transplant.
Anti-climactic.
Transplanti-climactic.

Sorry if this got too negative.
Don't worry.
You are statistically much less likely to die in a liver transplant surgery than you are in a drunk driving accident.
There.

Positivity.
Typical.
Positivitypical.

Alcoholistic

Alcohol.
Holistic.
Alcoholistic.

They do say to drink plenty of fluids when you're sick.

Belch.
L'chaim.
Bel'chaim.

Also, an apple a day keeps the doctor away.
So a bunch of apples with a lot of life experience, fermented over time into hard cider?
That should keep all the doctors away.
Might even kill them.

Doctor.
Torture.
Doctorture.

And what more natural path to health?
Poison your doctors, and you're at least healthier by comparison.

Homeopathic.
Thick-headed.
Homeopathick-headed.