Breakfasthma

Breakfast.
Asthma.
Breakfasthma.

The most important breathing problem of the day.

Emphysema.
Meal.
Emphysemeal.

Ethiccups

Ethics.
Hiccups.
Ethiccups.

If a blessing is the right way to respond to a sneeze, what's the right response for the hiccups?

Answer: a scaring.

So, a spooky blessing should cover any bodily function.

Cue the holy ghost.

Pray.
Wraith.
Praith.


(See also Sasquachoo.)

Chlamydiamonds

Chlamydia.
Diamonds.
Chlamydiamonds.

NOT a girl's best friend.

(Nor man's best friend. That's a dog.
Ideally a dog with no STDs either.)

Canine.
Infected.
Caninfected.

Ignorrors

Ignore.
Horrors.
Ignorrors.

What needs to be done to enjoy life sometimes.

There's a lot of bad stuff going on all the time.

Genocide, poverty, sickness, starvation, war, torture, Dopey.*

It can be a downer to think about it all, so just do what you can to fight it or at least avoid contributing to it (donate money and food, don't get people sick, heal them if you can, don't torture or genocide people, you know, whatever you can manage), but then try not to let it bog you down.

Amnesia.
Easy-Going.
Amneasy-Going.


* The seven dwarves in a gritty new remake of Snow White.

Disney.
Sneer.
Disneer.

Benchwarmored

Benchwarmer.
Armored.
Benchwarmored.

I developed a thick skin playing sports as a kid.

Maybe that's why no one picked me for their teams, because of my weird skin condition.

Epidermis.
Misshapen.
Epidermisshapen.

Sometimes I did get to play, but it was always in right field.

And the other kids were playing hockey elsewhere.

Baseball.
Alone.
Basebalone.

Cosmoking

Cosmo.
Smoking.
Cosmoking.

I have an article to pitch to Cosmopolitan Magazine.

Cigarettes are the new black (lung)!

Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis.
Sistah!
Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosistah!

Not only do they darken your insides, they also make your organs skinnier, which makes YOU skinnier!

Thin.
Incognito.
Thincognito.

Another benefit, there's that sexy emphysema voice!

Raspy.
Speech.
Raspeech.

Plus, if you get cancer, chemo makes you even thinner, plus you lose your hair which means only one thing... it's awesome wig time!

Sexy.
Extensions.
Sextensions.

And the ultimate benefit: cigarettes can also be used to burn all of your Cosmopolitans to a crisp, or at least end your life sooner so that you don't have to read as many of them anymore.

You're free of the evil!

Women.
Menace.
Womenace.

Chemotion

Chemo.
Emotion.
Chemotion.

Most people feel pretty negative about this cancer treatment.

Medicine.
Cynical.
Medicynical.

I mean, they're probably glad that it exists, but sad that it makes them bald and bed-ridden.
(Though it puts an end to certain hair troubles.)

Curbed
Bedhead.
Curbedhead.

You never hear about the rare person who really just enjoys the rest, and also turns out to look great with no hair.

Baldest.
Stupendous.
Baldestupendous.

Also, they happen to enjoy abdominal pain, bruising, constipation, dehydration, edema, fever, glaucoma, hematoma, impotence, joint pain, kidney problems, libido loss, myocarditis, nosebleeds, ototoxicity, photophobia, rhinitis, seizures, thrombocyotopenia, UTI, vertigo, weakness, xerostemia, and dozens of other alphabetical side effects that can arise. *

Symptom.
Tome.
Symptome.

A couple of the side effects that could be positive, for the glass-half-full patient:
lack of appetite (if you wanted to lose a few pounds)
chills (if you lived somewhere a bit too warm)
fertility (if you'd been trying to get pregnant)
flatulence (if you enjoy being hilarious)
sexuality (I don't know how that's a side effect, but it's listed)

Cancer.
Serious.
Cancerious.


* For the optimist, there are no symptoms starting with Q, Y, or Z!
Patient 1, Scrabble score 0.

Placebola

Placebo.
Ebola.
Placebola.

A fake flesh-eating virus that mentally feels like the real thing.

Fun for the whole family.
If the whole family likes playing horrible practical jokes on people.

Sociopath.
Patsies.
Sociopatsies.

Spiderived

Spider.
Derived.
Spiderived.

Peter Parker got his crime-fighting abilities as a result of being bitten.

Arachnid.
Nip.
Arachnip.

Some see that as far-fetched, but this sort of thing definitely happens in real life as well.

For instance, if a rabid dog bites you, you get a rabid dog's ability to foam at the mouth.
It might not be the ideal super-power, but it should at least stop criminals from robbing YOU.

Mugger.
Germaphobe.
Muggermaphobe.

It might not stop the cops from coming after you, though.
Or at least animal control.

Rabies.
Beast.
Rabeast.

(That could be your super-villain name.)

Souvenireal

Souvenir.
Venereal.
Souvenireal.

Something to remember your disease by.

Gonorrhea.
Reality.
Gonorreality.

Buffetus

Buffet.
Fetus.
Buffetus.

It may someday be possible to select your child's characteristics before they are born, to make sure they are as healthy as possible.

Prenatal.
Talisman.
Prenatalisman.

It makes sense--we can purify water these days, why not genetic material?
Just put the DNA through a Brita.

Water.
Terrific.
Waterrific.

Potential diseases could be eliminated. Also freckles.
All kinds of horrible things.

Then, beyond health concerns, it might be additionally possible to choose things like your child's hair color or height or the shape of their nose, perhaps to make them look like an honored dead relative (before they were dead).

Premortem.
Temperament.
Premortemperament.

But is it really up to us to determine what we want our children to be like?
Who are we to make such decisions?

Shouldn't it really be up to the beauty and fashion industries once they're born and ready to be brainwashed by movies and magazines?

How will the reality television industry survive?
What will happen to all the shows where people get plastic surgery when they want to look like celebrities, or when their friends want them to be less ugly?

Celebrity.
Retarded.
Celebritarded.

Did you think about that, science?
You're supposed to be the thing that cares about thinking.

But what kind of world are you thinking us into?

Future.
Turmoil.
Futurmoil.

But fear not, world. Fear not, science.
Economics will handle this:
Because not everyone will be able to afford the wondrous new God-ignoring, child-fixing technology that's available, nothing will change in the big picture, in the grand scheme, in the unnatural order of things.

The rich get richer, and the poor stay uglier.

Except for the lucky few who are blessed by the grace of God to turn out exactly how society demands they be.

Hallelujah.
Lucrative.
Hallelucrative.

Drats

Drat.
Rats.
Drats.

Something you can shout if you're overrun with rodents (and you feel "rats!" would be too unoriginal).*

Vermine.
Infestation.
Verminfestation.


* No need to be too concerned with originality** when dealing with rats, as they are the original plague-arisers.

One rat sees another rat spreading disease, then goes and spreads the same disease.
Copycat.***

Bubonic.
Icky.
Bubonicky.


** Appropriately, the idea for this post came from the brain of a friend, not my own.

Ironic.
Nice.
Ironice.


*** A copycat is actually the best way to get rid of plagiarizing rats.

Mews.
Useful.
Mewseful.

Hieroglyphiccups

Hieroglyphic.
Hiccups.
Hieroglyphiccups.

Easy to cure by reading the cursed writing and unleashing the bloodthirsty mummy that will scare them right out of you.

Therapy.
Pyramid.
Therapyramid.

Shives

Shiv.
Hives.
Shives.

What you get if you're allergic to being shanked in prison.

(They're also called "stab wounds.")

Stabbing.
Bingo.
Stabbingo.

Enthusiasthma

Enthusiasm.
Asthma.
Enthusiasthma.

Don't get too excited that you die from coughing.

Wheeze.
Easy.
Wheasy.

Cocktailment

Cocktail.
Ailment.
Cocktailment.

A cute name you have for your alcoholism.

Martini.
Neurosis.
Martineurosis.

That is...

Margarita.
Relapse.
Margarilapse.

...until your liver has finished living.*

Chaser.
Cirrhosis.
Chasirrhosis.


* And when a thinger stops thinging, that's it.
Because that's its thing.
A liver lives.
And you live because your liver lives.
You are a liver because of your liver.
And you won't be living without a living liver.
(Unless a new liver is delivered.)

Delivery.
Veritable.
Deliveritable.

And even then, maybe not.

Transplant.
Anti-climactic.
Transplanti-climactic.

Sorry if this got too negative.
Don't worry.
You are statistically much less likely to die in a liver transplant surgery than you are in a drunk driving accident.
There.

Positivity.
Typical.
Positivitypical.

Tuberculosisters

Tuberculosis.
Sisters.
Tuberculosisters.

The saddest vaudeville act of all time.