Agnoptimistic

Agnostic.
Optimistic.
Agnoptimistic.

Seeing the world as half-full of god.

My cup doth not runneth over.

Which means cleanliness is actually next to uncertainty of godliness.

Booya.
Yahweh.
Booyahweh.

Bidetente

Bidet.
Detente.
Bidetente.

A peace in the war on unclean nether regions.

Nether.
Hereabouts.
Nethereabouts.

Tabula Rasshole

Tabula Rasa.
Asshole.
Tabula Rasshole.

When someone gets a clean slate but they're still a jerk.

New Beginning.
Nincompoop.
New Beginnincompoop.

Babar Mitzvah

Babar.
Bar Mitzvah.
Babar Mitzvah.

The day an elephant REALLY never forgets, because it is the day he becomes a man.

Which is the reverse of most bar mitzvahs, where Jewish boys hit puberty and start growing all misshapen and having skin problems like an elephant.*

Pachyderm.
Dermatology.
Pachydermatology.


* If only their tusks weren't made of ivory but rather of Ivory soap.
One of nature's great ironies.

Also, doves are not made of Dove soap.
Though I don't know what Dove itself is made of.
(I'm no soapsmith.)

The dove is meant to represent peace, so it would probably make a soothing body bar.

Soapy.
Peaceful.
Soapeaceful.

Unkempty

Unkempt.
Empty.
Unkempty.

A room that has nothing in it, yet is still somehow messy.

A zen paradox. Or NOT a zen paradox. Hmm?

Hyphen.
Feng Shui.
Hypheng Shui.

Paradimebag

Paradigm.
Dimebag.
Paradimebag.

Marijuana has been decriminalized in a lot of places these days.
Better than jail, but you'll still want to keep your decriminal record as clean as possible.

Plus, you can still be ticketed and fined as though you've committed some kind of parking violation.

Hydrant.
Antics.
Hydrantics.

Now, I could make an easy joke here about how they'll ever collect with potheads forgetting to pay the fines (and I just did, barely), but sincerely, what will the authorities do when those violations pile up?

For parking tickets, eventually they'll put a boot on your car.
For pot, will the cops put a boot on your face?

That's just what they used to do before the decriminalization.
Has nothing changed?

Facial.
Shellacked.
Faciellacked.

Maybe I'm wrong.
Maybe things are different.
Maybe they'll just tow you. Or your bong.

And have you work off your debt by washing dishes in prison.
Where you can get high by snorting dish soap, now also decriminalized.

Municipal.
Palmolive.
Municipalmolive.

Lancelottery

Lancelot.
Lottery.
Lancelottery.

Some people want a knight in shining armor to ride up and save them on their white horse.

You shouldn't want that.

A knight whose armor is so pristine and a horse whose coat is so shiny, they likely haven't been tested in battle ever?
Probably not even in a joust.
Definitely not even in the video game "Joust."

Atari.
Rider.
Atarider.

In medieval times, cleanliness was next to deadliness.*

I'd prefer a hero who has at least gotten his hands dirty enough to have won a video game.
(Grand Theft Horse?)

Vigilante.
Anti-hero.
Vigilanti-hero.


* Or just deadness. Or just dead.
Clean is dead.
Just like Nietzche said.
(If God is clean and clean is dead.)

Nietzche.
Checkmate.
Nietzcheckmate.

Untidyllic

Untidy.
Idyllic.
Untidyllic.

Some people wonder, why make the bed?
It'll just get messy tomorrow.

And why wash your hands?
Those people were going to get hepatitis anyway.

And why brush your teeth?
You're just going to die.
And who cares how many teeth you have when you die?
(Death is not a tooth-having competition.
And even if it is, you'll probably beat everyone who lived from prehistoric times up through most of the 1900's.)

Hygiene.
Genius.
Hygenius.

Jesuspenders

Jesus.
Suspenders.
Jesuspenders.

WWJW?

(What wouldn't Jesus wear?)

Also can't really see him in anything too formal.

Tuxedo.
Don't.
Tuxedon't.

It would probably see some unfortunate splash action when water-walking.

Miracle.
Cleanliness.
Miracleanliness.

Trojanitor

Trojan.
Janitor.
Trojanitor.

The guy who had to clean up after the horse.

(Smelly job.)

Greek.
Reeked.
Greeked.

Sociopatheist

Sociopath.
Atheist.
Sociopatheist.

Possible text for my new business card.


Some people think it's crazy not to believe in god.
Some people think it's crazy not to even capitalize the word. God.
Some people think it's crazy to even write the word at all. G-d.

Some people probably think the whole world should be in caps. GOD.
To make sure GOD's capitalization scheme is set apart from other important (but not AS important) figures, like Pope, or President, or Mr. Clean.
(Mr. Cleanliness is next to Mr. Godliness.)

Some people think you will burn in hell for not believing, or not capitalizing properly. Or if you spell it "gud" by accident.
And I always say, better to rule in heaven than burn in hell.
If those are the choices.
(I don't really say it always, except by an interpretation of Einstein where all of space-time is one continuum, such that if I say something once, I am saying it always.)

Sorry to get off track.
Though, can you really get off track when you're discussing whether you're crazy?
e.g. "I think I might be crazy. Let's examine the evidence. Peanut butter is delicious. Goat."

Some people believe that you can't have a moral foundation without religion.
And certainly, there are some bad people who found god and became good people.
But there are also some good people who never had god and never became bad people.

God is one letter away from good.
That doesn't seem like a coincidence (especially if you're the type to believe that GOD has a plan for everything).

Some people might say that if you simply do good for others, yourself, and the world, whatever your beliefs are or aren't, there's godliness in your actions. Godliness. Goodliness.
(And Mr. Cleanliness right nearby.)

Some OTHER people might say that's crazy and you'll burn in hell without the right belief to go along with the right mindset and right actions.

But if you're doing everything GOD would tell you to do, without his even telling you?
That sounds even better.

Imagine a kid who cleans his room without being told.
And imagine his parents scolding him because he should have done it only because he was told.
Told by GOD.

That sounds crazy.

So, just be a good person, spell "god" however you like, and keep your room clean.
Because Mr. Clean is next to Mr. God.

But if you don't think peanut butter is delicious, you're crazy.