Ampersandwich

Ampersand.
Sandwich.
Ampersandwich.

A delicious punctuation, the recipe of which is a generous helping of the shift key along with the number 7.

Menu.
Numerical.
Menumerical.

Easy as pie!
(Or even easier, actually. I can't make a pie, but I can do this.)

Recipe.
Period.
Reciperiod.

Daedalust

Daedalus.
Lust.
Daedalust.

The passion one feels for an inventor.

Especially an inventor who can make you a cow suit so you can sleep with a bull that you also have passion for.

If only the inventor was also a bull, like the story is. (Take that, mythology.)

Beau.
Bovine.
Beauvine.

Dinneraction

Dinner.
Interaction.
Dinneraction.

Unnecessarily long (but fun) term for having a meal with someone.

Supper.
Superfluous.
Supperfluous.

Daffodildo

Daffodil.
Dildo.
Daffodildo.

Not the most functional, but pretty.

Flower.
Erotic.
Flowerotic.

Molestrogen

Molest.
Estrogen.
Molestrogen.

Statistics show that there are fewer female pedophiles than males.

And not just because women aren't allowed to become priests.

Female.
Alleluia.
Femalleluia.

And I don't mean to rub salt in any stigmata with tired Catholic jokes.
(See? New twist!)

I know they've been beaten to death, but the church is usually the first one to support the idea of things coming back from the dead.

Zombie.
Bee's Knees.
Zombie's Knees.

What if Jesus rose from the grave and told the Pope he's fired (for sexist hiring practices, if not the pedophile scandals)?

Vatican.
Canned.
Vaticanned.

Or at least if he could return to create a porn magazine that religious folks could use as a substitute for the real wronging of women and children.

Repent.
Penthouse.
Repenthouse.


(See also Religionesty.)

Pregnantics

Pregnant.
Antics.
Pregnantics.

Once upon a time, I broke up with a girl and she cried.

A week later, she came to me and told me that she was as pregnant as her eyes had been with tears the week before. *

Uterus.
Irises.
Utirises.

So the breakup was put on hold, while we planned for the birth...
the birth of our futures on the day that pregnancy would be ended, of course.

This was not a decision made lightly.
This girl was a practicing Catholic; she practiced nearly every part of the faith and was great at almost all of it.

So she came to a decision that I supported (I am pro-woman).

Preparing.
Ringleader.
Preparingleader.

But the day before that decision was to come to fruition (or was to undo a previous coming to fruition), something happened.

She told me that she fell down the stairs, went to the doctor, and found out that she was no longer pregnant.

So, the something that happened was actually either three things (stairs, doctor, finding), OR one different thing: she lied to me.

I didn't realize it at the time, because I was a trusting human being, but the timing of it all seems in hindsight to be MIGHTY convenient.

Timing.
Ingenious.
Timingenious.

Plus, I might have been ignoring other signs, such as her asking questions like "Does this fake pregnancy make me look fat?"

Obese.
OB-GYN.
OBese-GYN.

I've heard that sometimes couples will have a baby to keep their relationship alive. But apparently, that only works when the baby is alive, too. And real. (And also this doesn't work.)

So we broke up again. And this time the breakup was as real as the baby wasn't. And everyone who was alive lived happily ever after.

Fairy Tale.
Retelling.
Fair Retelling.


* She didn't put it that way. I'm sure hers was more poetic.

Sub-Par.
Paraphrase.
Sub-Paraphrase.

Promenada

Promenade.
Nada.
Promenada.

At 3am today, I performed for a comedy club full of kids who had just come from their high school proms. Exciting!

Dance.
Antsy.
Dantsy.

You see, comedy clubs provide an important service: preventing underage drinking and providing a late-night venue for these kids that is not a hotel room.

Marriott.
Riotous.
Marriottous.

Because teenagers having sex is usually just a last resort activity, after all possible comedy options have been exhausted, when they just end up settling for some wacky bedroom antics which follow the less hilarious opening act of the hotel staff.*

Bellhop.
Hopeless.
Bellhopeless.

So I did my duty today in the fight against teen pregnancy.

Unless you count my impregnating them with a laughter fetus that incubated immediately and repeatedly.

Talk about hysterical pregnancies. (Boom.)

Guffaw.
Awesome.
Guffawesome.


* Hotel "staff" not at all intended to be a play on words that could imply the hotel staff are being inappropriate with the children.

Unless there are hotels running secret child sex rings (then pun coincidentally intended).

Brothel.
Hilton.
Brothilton.

Nymphomercial

Nympho.
Infomercial.
Nymphomercial.

The kind of ad they run really late at night.

(Generally geared towards people who are up and busy not being in a relationship.)

Advertising.
Single.
Advertisingle.

Chlamydiamonds

Chlamydia.
Diamonds.
Chlamydiamonds.

NOT a girl's best friend.

(Nor man's best friend. That's a dog.
Ideally a dog with no STDs either.)

Canine.
Infected.
Caninfected.

Amoe-Bay

Amoeba.
E-Bay.
Amoe-Bay.

How much would you pay for a one-celled organism?

Well, what if I told you that you could get two for the price of one? (If you wait long enough for the asexual reproduction to kick in.)

Mitosis.
System.
Mitosystem.

Also, did Noah bring two amoebae onto the ark? Because he didn't have to!

Technicality.
Itty-Bitty.
Technicalitty-Bitty.

Sorrobot

Sorrow.
Robot.
Sorrobot.

Machines can't feel emotion, but if they could, this is probably the one they would feel the most.

Unhappy.
Application.
Unhapplication.

A factory conveyor belt, performing the same mindless job, day in, day out, until a breakdown occurs.

Automated.
Tedium.
Automatedium.

A laptop, built to go obsolete by the time it hits the market so anyone who buys one immediately wants another instead.
(Plus the larger prospect of being owned and forced to do the master's bidding.)

Slavery.
Electronics.
Slaverelectronics.

A calculator, undergoing the sexual harrassment of constantly being made to say "BOOBLESS" upside-down.

Racy.
Cyborg.
Racyborg.

An alarm clock, forced to have Tourette's every nine minutes until beaten back into silence.

Sadistic.
Tick-Tock.
Sadistick-Tock.

And countless other examples.
Well, countless only until a sad machine is programmed to do the counting for us.

(See also Calculatorture and C3PO'd.)

Synonames

Synonym.
Names.
Synonames.

Word combinations where either of the two parts would have sufficed alone:

Happy.
Peachy.
Happeachy.

Pleased to be pleased.

Darren.
Aronofsky.
Darronofsky.

Good for if he had to provide his first and last name in a big hurry.

Rendez-vous.
Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?
Rendez-voulez vous...

You get the idea.

(See also Guesstimatrix.)

Adulterrycloth

Adultery.
Terrycloth.
Adulterrycloth.

Using a towel that isn't yours.

Philander.
Drying.
Philandrying.

Womental

Women.
Mental.
Womental.

What was your initial reaction to this?

That females are smart? Or crazy?

(Because "mental" can mean both.)

Knowing.
Wingnut.
Knowingnut.

Context is important.

"You have a great mental acuity" vs. "What are you, mental?" *

Flipped.
Pedagogical.
Flippedagogical.


* vs. "What is your great acuity, mental?"

Crazy? Smart? Both?

George Bernard Shaw said, notably**, "The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man." ***

Brilliant.
Antidote.
Brilliantidote.


** Hence, I note it. Ably.


*** Note also that Shaw said nothing about the unreasonable woman.
(And that's an amazing accomplishment, given his wife abstained from sex completely throughout their more than forty years of marriage.)

Crazy? Smart? Both?

Abstain.
Insane.
Abstainsane.

Lesbionic

Lesbian.
Bionic.
Lesbionic.

Half woman who loves women, half unfeeling robot who can love no one.

Woman.
Android.
Womandroid.

Or just a woman whose lesbian powers are electronically amplified.

Cyborg.
Orgy.
Cyborgy.

Chemotion

Chemo.
Emotion.
Chemotion.

Most people feel pretty negative about this cancer treatment.

Medicine.
Cynical.
Medicynical.

I mean, they're probably glad that it exists, but sad that it makes them bald and bed-ridden.
(Though it puts an end to certain hair troubles.)

Curbed
Bedhead.
Curbedhead.

You never hear about the rare person who really just enjoys the rest, and also turns out to look great with no hair.

Baldest.
Stupendous.
Baldestupendous.

Also, they happen to enjoy abdominal pain, bruising, constipation, dehydration, edema, fever, glaucoma, hematoma, impotence, joint pain, kidney problems, libido loss, myocarditis, nosebleeds, ototoxicity, photophobia, rhinitis, seizures, thrombocyotopenia, UTI, vertigo, weakness, xerostemia, and dozens of other alphabetical side effects that can arise. *

Symptom.
Tome.
Symptome.

A couple of the side effects that could be positive, for the glass-half-full patient:
lack of appetite (if you wanted to lose a few pounds)
chills (if you lived somewhere a bit too warm)
fertility (if you'd been trying to get pregnant)
flatulence (if you enjoy being hilarious)
sexuality (I don't know how that's a side effect, but it's listed)

Cancer.
Serious.
Cancerious.


* For the optimist, there are no symptoms starting with Q, Y, or Z!
Patient 1, Scrabble score 0.

Bestialibi

Bestiality.
Alibi.
Bestialibi.

"I couldn't have committed that crime. I was busy doing something."

Prostitutor

Prostitute.
Tutor.
Prostitutor.

You can't teach an old dog new tricks.

So don't pay an old dog for sex.

Unless they learned a bunch of tricks when they were younger.

Then go for it.

Canine.
Ineptitude.
Canineptitude.

Invertebratwurst

Invertebrate.
Bratwurst.
Invertebratwurst.

A sausage made from the meat of spineless creatures, as opposed to pig or cow.*

Sure, squidwurst may take some preparation to get that inky taste out, but bratworm is already in the exact right shape.

Disgusting.
Stingray.**
Disgustingray.


* Animals with a real backbone.
Courageous, upstanding animals.

Pigs especially.
Have you read "Animal Farm" or "The Three Little Pigs"?
They even give other animals what for.

Porky.
Kick-Ass.
Porkyck-Ass.


** Rays are actually vertebrates.
I thought I could put one by you, anonymous public, but I cannot.
Because what is the internet about, if not being straightforward with one another?***

Honesty.
Stipulation.
Honestipulation.


*** Answers may include anything from "internet dating" to "Wikipedia" to "Dateline pedophile stings" to "all three at once."
(Read about my latest dating disaster and trip to jail on Wikipedia.)

Wikipedia.
Pedophilia.
Wikipedophilia.

Souvenireal

Souvenir.
Venereal.
Souvenireal.

Something to remember your disease by.

Gonorrhea.
Reality.
Gonorreality.