Poconostradamus

Poconos.
Nostradamus.
Poconostradamus.

I predict that I went to Pennsylvania two days ago and stayed overnight until yesterday.

(Being psychic is easy when you do it in reverse. I think then it's called "memory.")

Memory.
Oh Really.
Memoh Really.

Turtelepathy

Turtle.
Telepathy.
Turtelepathy.

Reading minds, but very slowly.

Possibly to the point where it might be more effective just to listen to what someone is saying.

Especially if it's the person you're in a relationship with, who's sick of you listening to what they THINK instead of what they SAY.

Precognition.
Nitpicking.
Precognitpicking.

Artifacebook

Artifice.
Facebook.
Artifacebook.

Sometimes people lie, right to your computer's face.
(Or to the top of its lap.
Got to be one of those, they don't have many more parts to lie to.)

Anatomy.
Omissions.
Anatomissions.

And computers don't like deceit.
But they have no choice but to follow their programming and hold their tongues about their emotions.
(Tongues and emotions that they don't even have!)

Robot.
Bottled Up.
Robottled Up.

For example, you might send out invitations to an event, say, and then you'll get a tally of how many people say "Yes," "Maybe," "No," or don't answer.

Dishonest.
Estimates.
Dishonestimates.

"Yes" means "maybe."

Affirmative.
Maybe.
Affirmaybe.

"Maybe" means "no."

Ambiguous.
Uh-uh.
Ambiguouh-Uh.

"No" means "I hate you." (Or "I live very far away." Or both.)

Negativity.
Vitriol.
Negativitriol.

So, while these translations would be helpful in a new dictionary for would-be date rapists, they don't help you know exactly who will go to your event.

At least until the technology exists to get people's responses directly from their brains without even having to click.
(e.g. "Think it, don't link it.")

ESP.
Speedy.
ESpeedy.

Which will eliminate the need for social networking sites altogether.
(Because with everyone lying to each other, no one will want to communicate anymore at all.)

Artifact.
Facebook.
Artifacebook.

Tipsychic

Tipsy.
Psychic.
Tipsychic.

Someone who develops ESP after a few drinks.

e.g. "I predict that I'm going to puke and fall down simultaneously."

Clairvoyant.
Antics.
Clairvoyantics.

Which sounds irresponsible, but actually creates the perfect circumstances for the drunk's child's science fair experiment, testing whether gravity applies equally to man and vomit.

Responsible.
Bulimia.
Responsibulimia.

And one final point on the subject of throwing up and predicting the future...

If a man named Ralph ralphs, does he feel as though he should have seen it coming?

Or has he likely resigned himself to the predestination of the situation, like an unavoidable prophecy that would have come to pass no matter how much care was taken to keep it from happening?
(Like the classic tragic tales of Oedipus or Final Destination.)

Oedipus.
Pukes.
Oedipukes.

ESPF

ESP.
SPF.
ESPF.

Practiced by palm tree readers, this is the psychic ability to know exactly what level of sunscreen to use.

Kreskin.
Skincare.
Kreskincare.

Remembryo

Remember.
Embryo.
Remembryo.

Some people claim to recall very early memories.

Early.
Liars.
Earliars.

Some people claim to recall past lives.

Reincarnated.
Aren't.
Reincaren't.

Some people even claim to remember the future.

Nostradamus.
Amusing.
Nostradamusing.

What if Nostradamus was reborn today and remembered everything he said would happen?

He'd probably read all the interpretations of his predictions and be like, "No, no, no! This isn't what I meant at all. Why is nothing being done to stop the coming apocalypse?"

And then he'd get sidetracked with his own reality TV show...*

Television.
Visionary.
Televisionary.

...something like "Who Wants to Marry Nostradamus?" where he would make predictions about who his potential wife and then go out looking for her.

ESP.
Spouse.
ESPouse.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I remember being Nostradamus and now I demand my own reality show.

Memory.
Reality.
Memoreality.

Seriously. I could remember it. It could be real. TV me!

Imagine.
Ginko Biloba.
Imaginko Biloba.


* Reality Tell a Vision.

Psychick

Psychic.
Chick.
Psychick.

A female telepath who can read thoughts about shoe shopping, candles, and bridesmaid dresses.

She can also read thoughts about sports, cars, and hating weddings.

Also any thoughts about all non-stereotypical topics.

Just like a "comedienne" can talk about whatever she likes, not just her period or dating or dating her period.

Period.
Oddity.
Perioddity.

The point is, neither female comedians nor female mind-readers are limited by society's outdated notions or ridiculous gender roles, you sexist.

(Only female strippers are.
But that's due for a change as well.)

Stripper.
Person.
Stripperson.

Comedium

Comedian.
Medium.
Comedium.

A comic who falls somewhere in the middle between well done and rare.

Or one of two psychic partners.
(If you imagine an appropriate hyphen.)

Hyphenate.
Imagination.
Hyphemagination.

Pessimystic

Pessimist.
Mystic.
Pessimystic.

Whenever a psychic on a TV show has a vision of the future, it always seems to be of a future gone wrong that has to be fixed.

Just once, it would be nice for a psychic to get message like, "The future is bright! And not from a nuclear explosion that you have to try and prevent! It's just figuratively bright this time! So it won't blind you again like last time!"

That's how it goes for the fictional TV psychic.

As for the real life psychics, they probably don't even let you know they're psychic.
They use their powers to amass real wealth for themselves, not read your palm for a special $5 rate.

Maybe that's pessimistic.
Fine.
Real life psychics don't exist, there's no magic in the world, and everything is as it seems.
The glass is half full of air that's polluted.
It's all second-hand smoke and broken mirrors.

There.
You like realism better than pessimism?

And your palm will say it wants to go back into your pocket and get more money for the "psychic."


Which is why the TV psychic needs to receive more positive messages...
To provide more hope for the inhabitants of the real world.
To show potential happiness in fiction that can turn into fact.
To uplift people's spirits so they'll believe once more, in these troubled times.

And to give me a foundation so I can get my new palm-reading business off the ground.