Bootlegacy

Bootleg.
Legacy.
Bootlegacy.

Technology keeps changing the world.*

It used to be that you could either buy a band's albums or see them live.

Concert.
Certainty.
Concertainty.

Or, if you were super lucky, you might find a rare copy of a live show that someone managed to secretly record.

Fortune.
Unilateral.
Fortunilateral.

Today, that special feeling doesn't exist anymore, because with cellphone cameras and digital devices, every event can be captured, rendering none of them as special.

What's next?

Futuristic.
Sticky.
Futuristicky.

Soon, I presume that literally everything will have the capacity to record: eyeball implants, trees that are also cameras, government satellites that work (this last one is a stretch, I mean, something of the government WORKING? am I right? to make this tired joke?).

Computer.
Terrible.
Computerrible.

So all of life will be spontaneously uploading and downloading so that everyone can experience everything at any time.

Ubiquitous.
Tussle.
Ubiquitussle.

Right now, we've got the world wide web; this will be the web-wide world.
(Same abbreviation.)**

No one will have to get anything, because everyone will have everything. And nothing.***

We will all be as one.

Which is pretty zen.

An Asian philosophy, brought to us by Asian technology.

But don't forget about the contribution of good old-fashioned American stereotyping!

Yin Yang.
Angry.
Yin Yangry.


* And the world keeps changing technology.

Ooh.

Revolutionary.
Arithmetic.
Revolutionarithmetic.


** Also, by the way, the very worst abbreviation possible.
World, wide, and web are all one-syllable words.
"W" is the only THREE-syllable letter.
It actually takes three times as long to say "double-you double-you double-you" as it does to say "world wide web."

If I could have named it, I would have called it something like the "Earth high-speed network," because then that four-syllable phrase could be easily abbreviated with one syllable: "ehn."

Efficiency.
Seize the Day!
Efficienceize the Day!


*** Which means that Seinfeld's popularity will soar once again.

(Not that it ever dropped that far, but it may have been gliding at a lower altitude.)

Seinfeld.
Felled.
Seinfelled.

Manhattenacious

Manhattan.
Tenacious.
Manhattenacious.

If you can make it there, you'll make it anywhere.

But if you CAN'T make it there, you'll have to make do elsewhere.

That's the part Frank didn't sing to everyone.

Sinatra.
Tragedy.
Sinatragedy.

Nonsensus

Nonsense.
Census.
Nonsensus.

A good friend of mine who does improv comedy is working for the 2010 census.

The job is to locate places that people live and find out who they are, and his comedic training really helps out.

He just wanders the streets asking for non-geographical locations.

Then when he finds people, he asks them for their relationship.

Also, he acquired the job by going into the census office and saying "Give me an occupation!"

Whim.
Improv.
Whimprov.

Garafaloha

Garafalo.
Aloha.
Garafaloha.

I met Janeane last night.

She was very nice, even though I did not open with a combination of her last name and a Hawaiian greeting.

(Maybe BECAUSE I did not open with a combination of her last name and a Hawaiian greeting.)

I know how to live life in the real world, people.

I can make reasonable and appropriate choices between different options.

Janeane.
Eeny Meeny Miney Moe.
Janeeny Meeny Miney Moe.

Improvisland

Improvise.
Island.
Improvisland.

A magical place where nothing is planned.

Yes And.
Sandy Beaches.
Yesandy Beaches.

There's no script, you get suggestions from those around you, and then you have to work with other people to make things happen.

It's a reality show called reality.

Truth.
Things.
Truthings.

Nirvanna White

Nirvana.
Vanna White.
Nirvanna White.

Life's highest plane of existence: turning letters over on a game show.

Fortunate.
Natural.
Fortunatural.

Origamicable

Origami.
Amicable.
Origamicable.

It's hard to imagine anyone folding paper in an aggressive, unfriendly mood.

Paper.
Personality.
Papersonality.

Unless you've created a thousand cranes and learned that you don't actually get a wish granted for eternal life.

Crane.
Anecdote.
Cranecdote.

But even then, the bad mood comes AFTER the folding.
During, it's all optimism.

Phooey.
Future.
Phooture.

Visualive

Visualize.
Alive.
Visualive.

People who survive near death experiences sometimes describe having seen their life flash before their eyes.

What if the actual death experience involves the same thing, but because the life includes the death experience, whenever one gets to that death experience in the flashback, one starts experiencing the life flashing before one's eyes again within that very flashing, over and over, experiencing life anew in flashback form like a mirror within a mirror, each iteration getting smaller and smaller in absolute chronological terms, but to the experiencer seeming as full as ever, essentially a reincarnation of the same life experienced from the get-go, ad infinitum, approaching death as an asymptote but never fully reaching it because every time it arrives, life starts flashing before one's eyes again?

Recursivity.
Vitality.
Recursivitality.

Also, what if dirt tasted like chocolate? *

Shovel.
Velvety.
Shovelvety.

Then no one would be scared about taking a dirt nap, because it would really be a chocolate nap!
Deep, dark, chocolate sleep.
Mmmm.

Cocoa.
Coma.
Cocoma.

Except that a dirt nap is more a euphemism for the never-ending coma where you're not breathing or living or anything.
But it's still full of chocolaty goodness!

Dead.
Delicious.
Deadlicious.


* People would definitely eat it, which would likely have some effect on the farming industry.
Maybe farmers could just start selling people dirt to eat, instead of growing food in the soil.**

Agriculture.
Turnover.
Agriculturnover.

Which would be great, unless dirt didn't have nutritional value in addtion to its obvious great flavor.
Then people would just be unhealthily fat from tasty filth.
And that wouldn't be an ideal world at all.

But at least we're not talking about death anymore.

Reaper.
Persistent.
Reapersistent.


** Are dirt and soil the same thing?
Does one just have a better PR guy?

Dirt sounds dirty, but so does soiling oneself.
So maybe they are even.

Fulfill.
Filth.
Fulfilth.

Buddhistory

Buddhist.
History.
Buddhistory.

In the beginning, we were all one.

Totally.
Allied.
Totallied.

Then that kept happening.*

Unity.
Typical.
Unitypical.

And that brings us up to now and always.

Present.
Entirety.
Presentirety.

In current events, the river flows.




* If all is one, why are math classes so concerned with other numbers?

Calculus.
Useless.
Calculuseless.

Kebabysitting

Kebab.
Babysitting.
Kebabysitting.

Skewering the children makes for an easier night of nannying.

And then an even easier rest of your life.

You took care of the children, now the state takes care of you. *

Karma.
Manslaughter.
Karmanslaughter.


* Or the other inmates do.
Especially if they make an extra-long shiv for you and others like you.

Skewer.
Worrying.
Skewerrying.

But that's more of a prison-half-empty mindset.
Or half-full.
Whichever the pessimistic one is, for a prison.
Maybe prison-half-overcrowded?

Overpopulated.
Optimism.
Overpoptimism.

Doppelganger Management

Doppelganger.
Anger Management.
Doppelganger Management.

Don't freak out if your evil twin wreaks havoc on your life.

Getting mad never solved anyone's problems, except for the Hulk.
But remember that it also created new problems for him as well.

Sure, it solved the issue of bullets hurting him, but what about the trouble of how many pairs of pants he had to buy? Or steal, probably.

Of course, if he didn't turn into the Hulk and got shot with bullets, he would probably bleed all over his pants and need new ones anyway.
(Along with the rest of a suit to be buried in.)

So, to sum up:
Don't freak out, unless you're the Hulk.
Then it might be okay, but still likely a mixed bag.
(Maybe try to solve your problems with science first. Be smart.)

Banner.
Nerd.
Bannerd.

Identicallous

Identical.
Callous.
Identicallous.

The best part about having an evil twin is it proves that you are a good person.*

(The worst part is they try to infiltrate your life and ruin everything in it.)


* I'm assuming that it would be weird to have an evil twin yet be a jerk yourself.
They show up somewhere as an evil version of you, but seem only slightly more unsavory than your regular jerky self.
And they're probably better dressed.

Suave.
Aversion.
Suaversion.

So always try to have your evil twin sit for family photos.
Evil is typically more photogenic, so if you care about posterity more than ethics...

Morality.
Itty-bitty.
Moralitty-bitty.

The greatest trick the devil pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist.
The second-greatest trick he pulled was looking fabulous on film.
(With or without red eye reduction .)