Genee-Jerk

Genie.
Knee-Jerk.
Genee-Jerk.

Don't react immediately when a magical being tells you you have three wishes.

First, make sure it's not one of those vindictive ones that will purposefully misinterpret your words to give you literally what you asked for but figuratively big problems.

e.g. You ask to be the richest person in the world, so the genie kills everyone else.

Genie.
Genocide.
Genie-cide.

Also, it might not even be a genie, but the devil in disguise trying to steal your soul.

If that's the case, go through all the motions and then when he tries to claim it, you can say, "No, I said you could have my SOLE. Of my shoe. Take the whole thing. In fact, take both. I'm feeling magnanimous."

Genie.
Generous.
Genie-rous.*

Then you just go to the genie and ask for a new pair.

And then he gives you a piece of fruit.

Which is way more delicious than losing your soul.

Genie.
Needless to Say.
Geneedless to Say.



* That one wasn't actually even about the genie, sorry.

Devil.
Illegitimate.
Devillegitimate.

Gardenial

Garden.
Denial.
Gardenial.

What Adam and Eve experienced, after the snake made his convincing argument that "ignorance is bliss" meant that you shouldn't have either of those.

What's better? Knowing things, or being happy?

That's what I'd like to know.

Or not.

Informed.
Mediocre.
Informediocre.

Fiscalamity

Fiscal.
Calamity.
Fiscalamity.

You might notice that I haven't posted much about the current economic crisis, mostly because I don't fully understand the current economic crisis.

Economy.
Omission.
Economission.

Some people don't have money. I get that.
But I don't really get where money came from.*
I hear in the beginning it was based in gold, but not anymore.

Doubloons.
Onset.
Doubloonset.

Actually, in the beginning, there was probably no gold or money or anything.**

People just gathered and hunted for their own stuff, and then maybe traded stuff for other stuff. What a ridiculous idea.

Finance.
Antiquated.
Financiquated.

Someone must have decided that this system of direct trading wasn't good enough.
And that's when money must have come about.

There was no money, and then there WAS money.
So let's just do that again. Problem solved!

Magical.
Calculation.
Magicalculation.

I'm not sure how it happened, though. I'm not a historian either.
So, how about people who have lots of money just give some of that money to people who don't have enough money?

Too simple and reasonable or un-American? Okay, how about this instead?

Maybe poor people can put their poorness up for bidding on an online auction, and rich people can purchase it.
Because for the person who thinks they have everything money can buy, poorness is the one thing they definitely DON'T have, and thus should be the thing they want the most.

Problem double-solved!

E-Bay.
Bailout.
E-Bailout.


* Maybe from a pit? I think I heard about that in a movie.

Cinema.
Money.
Cinemoney.

Sounds tasty.


** In the beginning, the first thing there was, was light (as I understand it).
THEN gold.

Light from god, money from the devil.
(In the form of an apple, which probably just stood in for gold by way of the barter system. Like I said, it's complicated and I don't fully understand financial dealings. But I do know that I like apples.)

Fruitful.
Fulfillment.
Fruitfulfillment.

Al Frankenstein

Al Franken.
Frankenstein.
Al Frankenstein.

A monster who's good enough, strong enough, and gosh darn it, people elected him senator, rather than chasing him with pitchforks and fire. *

(Or the doctor that created that monster and lit the way for his political career.)

Doctor.
Torches.
Doctorches.


* Tools of the devil, or of an agricultural arsonist.

Fiery.
Farmer.
Firemer.

Culterior

Cult.
Ulterior.
Culterior.

My mother sent me to Sunday school as a child because she worried that without religious guidance, I might have a hole in my spirit* that could be taken advantage of by some exploitative group.**

Sunday.
Dazed.
Sundazed.

So I was indoctrinated into an AUTHORIZED cult to avoid being swept up by an unauthorized one.

Out of the frying pan and into the kosher frying pan.

Glatt.
Attaboy.
Glattaboy.

I ultimately escaped unscathed.
And you can, too, if you haven't already.
You don't have to live your life like anyone else tells you.
Listen to me, and you'll be free from outside influence.
Just do what I do and say, and you're your own person.

Win.
Individual.
Windividual.


* Like when you sneeze your soul out of your body which opens the door for the devil to get in.

Troubles.
Blessing.
Troublessing.


** Like the Jews for Jesus.

Jews.
Jesus.
Jewsus.

Or the Mormons for Mohammed.

Mormon.
Mohammed.
Mormohammed.

Or the Hindus for Buddha.

Hindu.
Buddha.
Hinduddha.

Or the Christians for Zeus.

Jesus.
Zeus.
Jezeus.

Amenstruation

Amen.
Menstruation.
Amenstruation.

PMS ends with a prayer.

To whomever.

Tampon.
Pontiff.
Tampontiff.

Sasquachoo

Sasquatch.
Achoo.
Sasquachoo.

If Bigfoot sneezes in the forest and there's no one around to say "God bless you," does it make a sound?

And more importantly, does this creature even have a soul that can escape through the nose, leaving Satan the opportunity to sneak in to replace it? *

Devil.
Illness.
Devillness.

At this point, probably not, what with all the Bigfoot photos people are always snapping.
Sure, they may all come out blurry, but being less photogenic doesn't get you your stolen soul back. **

Camera.
Merciless.
Camerciless.

All that is needed for evil to succeed is for good technology to work poorly.

Kodak.
Ache.
Kodache.


* Putting the "sin" in "sinus."

No-Nos.
Nostrils.
No-Nostrils.


** Though if saying "God bless you" works to replace your soul after a sneeze, why not try the same thing post photo session? Replace "cheese" with "blessings" and you're all set.

Sacrament.
Muenster.
Sacramuenster.

Satanning

Satan.
Tanning.
Satanning.

One benefit of damnation, I presume, would be that you get a lot of good color, what with all the flames and what not.

Sunburn.
Earnest.
Sunburnest.

Unless that's the most insidious hell of it all--all that, and you still end up pale somehow.
Except if your culture values paleness, then probably not.

Hell is complicated. Takes some organization.
Did the devil know all of this when he decided it was better than serving in heaven?

Afterlife.
Iffy.
Afterliffy.

At least there, you can leave your work at the office at the end of the day, go home, and just relax on a cloud. Also, your office work consists of relaxing on a cloud as well.

Much better place for a tan.

Shangri-la.
Grilled.
Shangrilled.

Cinemesis

Cinema.
Nemesis.
Cinemesis.

Suppose you're a huge movie buff.
And also let's say you believe in Hell, like for realsies.

Given those facts, do you think that if you end up there, at least part of you will be really impressed with what seem to be amazing special effects?

Inferno.
Novice.
Infernovice.

e.g. "You can seriously feel these flames, so much better than Imax,"
or "That guy REALLY looks like he's half goat."

Or do you think there's a chance that the guy in charge will be more like a cartoon devil?

Anime.
Maybe.
Animaybe.

Or is it more likely that the suffering Hell delivers upon you is less literal and less animated?
Perhaps the simple result of the absence of God's presence, light, and love?
No physical torture. No flames. No demons in your face.

In other words, no plot, no acting, no special effects.
Definitely no popcorn.

To the film buff?
Hell.

Raisinet.
Netherworld.
Raisinetherworld.

Babelittle

Babel.
Belittle.
Babelittle.

People tried to build a tower up to heaven.
God (worried they would succeed?) destroyed the tower.

Deconstruct.
Ruckus.
Deconstruckus.

This must have been back when heaven was actually located on the clouds, before it relocated to space where we know it is today.

Paradise.
Distant.
Paradistant.

God didn't stop there. He also made everyone speak different languages, so they wouldn't be able to reconnect and restart the Babel project.*

Language.
Aggravated.
Languaggravated.

Which is why it seems strange when people are strongly patriotic, strongly xenophobic, AND strongly religious.
e.g. "Don't come to America, land of Jesus, until you speak English like God intended."

Patriotism.
Autism.
Patriautism.

Because God was the one who made everyone speak different, remember?**

(Which means he was also the one who made everyone THINK different as well.
Which led to the famous Apple slogan that the snake used on Eve.
Which means that Steve Jobs is the devil?***

Apple.
Pleased.
Appleased.)




* And it worked. They didn't even end up making the MOVIE "Babel" for thousands of years, let alone attempt an actual tower again.

Hollywood.
Wouldn't.
Hollywouldn't.


** I just said it. You got it.

Listen.
Tenacious.
Listenacious.


*** And Ipods are his evil tools.

Nano.
Anointed
Nanointed.

Cokey Dokey

Coke.
Okey dokey.
Cokey dokey.

Coca-Cola is comprised of evil plus delicious.
(Plus a secret ingredient, which is another dose of evil. Secret evil.)

Growing up, I was limited to drinking milk regularly, and was only permitted to poison my insides on special occasions.

And I loved it.

The diabolical organization responsible created the lie of Santa Claus, not to trick children into being good, but to trick adults into purchasing too much high fructose corn syrup.
e.g. "That man is fat but also jolly and I want my kids to be happy, so what's he drinking?"
(They also made up Santa the Polar Bear, but he really just brings toys to all the good polar bears and girls.
A bear cannot be as easily corrupted as a human.)

As an adult, I eventually saw through Coke/Santa's deception (being Jewish helped).
You might say I took whichever pill from the Matrix would make a good analogy.
(Hopefully not one with X-mas colors.)

Point is, now I'm popping pills instead of drinking soda.
Exchanging one kind of pop for another, the noun for the verb.

But so many people are still living the lie of Santa and corn and toys and acid drink.
New York City is doing what it can, having proposed an obesity tax placed on items like non-diet soda*.
A great idea, especially if its application is announced over a loudspeaker system whenever a purchase is made.
e.g. "A Coke? With the OBESITY TAX, that comes to [some ridiculous amount], Fatso. Why aren't you crying more?"

If knowledge can't do the job, perhaps shame can.

It might be difficult, in a world where so many people just see the word "obese" as plural of "oboose" (a word whose meaning they don't care about) and not as short for "Oh, Be [the size of] a city" (a directive they apparently do care about).

But working together, we can spread the knowledge and shame and bring the evil empire of Coca Cola to its knees, or at least hunch it over to a slightly lower share of the market so the advantage goes to Pepsi, who commissioned the writing of this post.

Pepsi.
Psychology.
Pepsychology.


* Diet soda is exempt from the obesity tax, because its lobby was created by Satan himself.
The greatest trick he ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist.
The second-greatest trick he ever pulled was convincing the world that diet soda is healthy.