Ventriloquisdom

Ventriloquist.

Wisdom.

Ventriloquisdom.

Behind every great man is another man with his hand in that first man's butt.

Also the first man is made of wood, and doesn't have to be a man.

The second man doesn't have to be a man either.

This stuff is hard to learn. You'll never find a book called "Ventriloquists for Dummies."

Mannequin.

Quintessentials.

Mannequintessentials.

Poseihnfeld

Posehn.
Seinfeld.
Poseihnfeld.

A cross between comedians Brian and Jerry.

"What's the deal with death metal? There's no death, and there's no metal!"

"Actually, the guitars have some metal."

"Oh. Okay then. What's the deal with comic books? They're not books, and they're not comics!"

"They're both, actually."

"Oh. Okay. What's the deal with this joke going on so long?"

"THERE you go."

Comedian.
Dying.
Comedying.

Molestrogen

Molest.
Estrogen.
Molestrogen.

Statistics show that there are fewer female pedophiles than males.

And not just because women aren't allowed to become priests.

Female.
Alleluia.
Femalleluia.

And I don't mean to rub salt in any stigmata with tired Catholic jokes.
(See? New twist!)

I know they've been beaten to death, but the church is usually the first one to support the idea of things coming back from the dead.

Zombie.
Bee's Knees.
Zombie's Knees.

What if Jesus rose from the grave and told the Pope he's fired (for sexist hiring practices, if not the pedophile scandals)?

Vatican.
Canned.
Vaticanned.

Or at least if he could return to create a porn magazine that religious folks could use as a substitute for the real wronging of women and children.

Repent.
Penthouse.
Repenthouse.


(See also Religionesty.)

Memoirresponsible

Memoir.
Irresponsible.
Memoirresponsible.

I never read autobiographies, because they're a rip-off.

They purport to be an account of a person's life, but it's never the person's WHOLE life, because after they finish writing it, they keep living longer and do more stuff.

And it seems unreasonable for an autobiography to require a sequel.
(Except in situations of someone who remembers past lives.)

Reincarnation.
National Bestseller.
Reincarnational Bestseller.

So, I would read an autobiography under only two conditions:

1) The author promises never to do anything interesting after the book is finished.

2) The author kills themself right as they finish.

Option two seems the purest, most trustworthy way to guarantee that you're getting the whole story.

(Unless there is an afterlife, in which case I would hope that the author's ghost writer would provide the necessary details after the fact.)

Superimposed.
Posthumously.
Superimposthumously.

Hardcoverboard

Hardcover.
Overboard.
Hardcoverboard.

When a book is first released as a hardback, that uses much more paper than if it were released initially as a softcover.

Then, even more paper is wasted when the paperback comes out.

If I have my way, I will turn the literary world upside-down by releasing the smaller, softer, more environmentally friendly version of books right away.

THEN, if people really hate the environment, they can special-order extra-large hard-backed versions of the book a year later.
(If you hate, you have to wait. That will be this program's catchphrase.)

Paperback.
Backwards.
Paperbackwards.

Literatureka

Literature.
Eureka.
Literatureka.

When my grandmother was in the second grade, she wanted a library card, but her school's rules held that you had to be in at least the third grade to get one.

(Why would this be a rule?
If you know what a library is, and you still want to go there?
It's not like it's a bar, and 7-year-olds can't handle their knowledge.)

Tipsy.
Silly.
Tipsilly.

So she told the librarian that she WAS in the third grade to combat this discrimination.

Espionage.
Ageism.
Espionageism.

She put the "lie" in "library," thankfully not in writing, or it would have given her away.

Deceitful.
Foolish.
Deceitfoolish.

But she was found out eventually.
The school called her mother, who came and disciplined her physically.

What do you say to a child when punishing them for wanting to read?

"This will teach you to want to learn!"

Hypocrisy.
Seeking.
Hypocriseeking.

And that's how my grandmother became a zen master.

Bubby.
Buddha.
Bubbha.

Cosmosis

Cosmo.
Osmosis.
Cosmosis.

How to consume all the female tips you need without needing to know how to read.

Perfect for a time when women were not allowed to know how to.

History.
Recent.
Historecent.

Authwhore

Author.
Whore.
Authwhore.

Someone who sells books for money.

Literature.
Torrid.
Literaturrid.

Corporathole

Corporate.
Rathole.
Corporathole.

I used to work in the cafe at a large bookstore.

Some mornings, the manager of the store would hold mandatory "rallies,"* which meant every available employee would have to gather round ye olde gathering-round place, and hear tales of corporate motivation.**

Smiles.
Lessons.
Smilessons.

I used to dread these meetings, until I realized how entertaining they could be, if I just viewed them as if they were intended to be satire of the corporate world, rather than the actual horrible corporate world.

e.g. The manager would say something like, "Sales last week were good, but this week they can be even better, if we just sell more!"
And I would think, "This guy is great! Better than Dilbert!"

Dilbert.
Better.
Dilbetter.

And this is a method that has served me well in life moving forward, and you can use it, too!

Any time someone seems unreasonable and you wonder "How can they be this way?" just shift that to "It's hilarious that they actually ARE this way," and your life is now full of fun, as long as they don't fire you or beat you up.

Satire.
Retribution.
Satiretribution.


* Like a pep rally, but where the manager sucks all the pep out of everyone else, instead of providing it.

Cheerleader.
Dearth.
Cheerleadearth.


** Like ghost stories of employees who didn't smile enough and were never heard from again.

Retail.
Tales from the Crypt.
Retails from the Crypt.

Subdude

Subdued.
Dude.
Subdude.

I recently worked with a comedian well-known for being very loud and raucous in performance, only to find that off stage he was quite the opposite, very quiet and reserved.

It just goes to show you, you can't judge a book by what it screams at you from the stage.

Literary.
Rageful.
Literageful.

Turns out, also, that most mimes are are loud, obnoxious jerks when they're not wearing makeup and trapped in boxes.*

Marcel Marceau.
So Hypocritical.
Marcel Marso Hypocritical.


* Which would be the opposite for me.
I would be loudest when I WAS trapped in a box.
(And if someone were putting makeup on me against my will.) **

But you know what they say, different strokes for mimes and regular people.
Regular people put their pants on one leg at a time, but mimes only pretend to put their pants on.

Hence, the term "pantomime" and the reason to keep mimes away from your children.

Pantomime.
Imagination.
Pantomimagination.


** The will I refer to here is meant to be my determination in life, but an interpretation as my official last will and testament would suffice as well.
Not that I have plans for any restrictions on makeup in my last will and testament.
e.g. "Do not try to make my body look unnaturally natural."
Though I do believe it would look weird to have my ashes gussied up like that.

Creme de la Creme.
Cremation.
Creme de la Cremation.

Invertebratwurst

Invertebrate.
Bratwurst.
Invertebratwurst.

A sausage made from the meat of spineless creatures, as opposed to pig or cow.*

Sure, squidwurst may take some preparation to get that inky taste out, but bratworm is already in the exact right shape.

Disgusting.
Stingray.**
Disgustingray.


* Animals with a real backbone.
Courageous, upstanding animals.

Pigs especially.
Have you read "Animal Farm" or "The Three Little Pigs"?
They even give other animals what for.

Porky.
Kick-Ass.
Porkyck-Ass.


** Rays are actually vertebrates.
I thought I could put one by you, anonymous public, but I cannot.
Because what is the internet about, if not being straightforward with one another?***

Honesty.
Stipulation.
Honestipulation.


*** Answers may include anything from "internet dating" to "Wikipedia" to "Dateline pedophile stings" to "all three at once."
(Read about my latest dating disaster and trip to jail on Wikipedia.)

Wikipedia.
Pedophilia.
Wikipedophilia.

Synopsisyphus

Synopsis.
Sisyphus.
Synopsisyphus.

To sum up:
He did bad things and was punished by forever rolling a boulder up a hill and watching it roll down. *

Cliff's Notes.
Nutshell.
Cliff's Noteshell.


* A solid workout.
And gym membership is usually expensive.
A life of sin gets you into this one for free...
(Go ahead and add your own joke about exercising demons.)

Sinner.
Aerobics.
Sinnaerobics.

Pekaraoke

Pekar.
Karaoke.
Pekaraoke.

Singing along to American Splendor.

The movie, using the graphic novels as lyrics.

Biographer.
Harvey.
Biographarvey.

Snoopsie

Snoop.
Oopsie.
Snoopsie.

Accidentally going through your own things instead of spying on someone else.

Especially painful when you learn from your own diary that you hate yourself.

Danger.
Journal.
Danjernal.*

Or, when Mr. Doggie Dogg goes on the rug.
For which gets hit on the nose with a rolled-up paper.
Which he then smokes.

Paper.
Purpose.
Papurpose.


* How would YOU spell it?

Arboring

Arbor.
Boring.
Arboring.

What's less interesting, trees or books? *

Some people would rather read because they think the outdoors are boring.

Some people would rather hike amongst the trees because they think books are boring.

Some people might like to read beneath a tree, but they can't because the tree was torn down to make the book.
(And the book was about not cutting down trees.)

Magi.
Gift.
Magift.


* Trick question: books are made from trees, so the least interesting thing is actually an argument comparing books and trees.

It's like comparing apple trees and orange books.

Globituary

Globe.
Obituary.
Globituary.

When the earth dies, where will you read about it?

Certainly not in the Daily Planet, unless Superman keeps the paper going longer than the planet that it's named for.

Paper.
Perish.
Paperish.

And what will be the cause of death?

Probably global warming, but not the global warming that's slowly upping the temperature until the whole planet is one big beach.
(Or one big ocean with one tiny beach, at least.)

Swimwear.
Earth.
Swimwearth.

More likely the global warming that the sun emits when it explodes and takes out the whole solar system, including our new beach.
(Perhaps a better name would be global heating.)

Explode.
Ding ding ding!
Exploding ding ding!

Huskywriting

Husky.
Skywriting.
Huskywriting.

When planes write letters that are too fat, they end up as clouds.

e.g. "What does that cloud look like to you?"
"Illegible."