Bummerriage

Bummer.
Marriage.
Bummerriage.

You know the old joke, "A horse walks into a bar and is asked 'Why the long face?'"

Well, here's an adapation: "A man walks into a wedding and is asked 'Why the long face?' and he says, 'Because I'm in the bridle party.'"

Sequin.
Equine.
Sequine.

Here's the thing--I thought that the man in that joke would be me this weekend because I had been asked to be a groomsman in a good friend's wedding...

My position necessitated my arrival at 1pm for an affair that would not end until the next day began.

The actual wedding ceremony was to occur at 7pm, pictures were scheduled for between 4-6pm, and the photographer wasn't even going to arrive until 2pm. So, 1pm it was for the groomsmen!

Chronology.
Geez.
Chronologeez.

Sure, we did need a little time to change into our fancy duds*, especially when not accustomed to wearing such gear...

Tuxedo.
Don't.
Tuxedon't.

...but I couldn't imagine what would fill the hours called for by our itinerary.

I expected that just like the horse-man of the joke that started this post, the length of my face would correspond directly with the length of the day's preparations.

Centaur.
Torture.
Centorture.

But as it turned out, I was pleasantly mistaken.

While the groomsmen did indeed have to arrive super-early...

Super.
Early.
Supearly.

...we were immediately whisked away to the game room, where we were greeted by food, drink, pool, cards, shuffleboard, darts, music, etc.**

Merriment.
Entirely.
Merrimentirely.

And that's what ended up filling all those hours, as well as my stomach.
(I ate a lot of shuffleboard and darts that day.***)

Ultimately, the wedding was a complete success; nobody accidentally lost/dropped/swallowed the rings, nobody said the wrong name during the ceremony, etc.****

And my worries that the day would be a chore disappeared just like the illusion of an oasis does in the mind of a thirst-crazed desert-wanderer who ends up eating sand.*****

No bum marriage here.

Bummer.
Mirage.
Bummirage.


* "Duds" meaning "fancy clothes," and not "things that don't explode."
Though to be fair, our fancy clothes did not explode.

Cummerbund.
Bungled.
Cummerbungled.


** I threw in that "etc." to make it seem like there was more to that list, when in fact I believe I exhausted every item that could have been on it.

I can't lie to you.

Honesty.
Estimate.
Honestimate.


*** Sure, they might have tasted a bit gamy. Eh? Gamy? Eh?
(And yes, that joke might be a bit hard to swallow or stomach, but try comparing it to how you'd feel eating darts. About the same? Perfect.)

Wordplay.
Plate.
Wordplate.


**** Because the wedding didn't take place in a romantic comedy or a "Friends" episode.
This is real life, people.

Nuptial.
Allegedly.
Nuptiallegedly.


***** At least in Bugs Bunny cartoons.

Bunny.
Near-Death Experience.
Bunnear-Death Experience.

Grownuptials

Grownup.
Nuptials.
Grownuptials.

Some cultures have people getting engaged when they're children.

What must it be like to picture a wedding so young?

Probably they imagine someone like He-Man officiating it.

e.g. "By the power (of Grayskull) invested in me, I now pronounce you man* and cooties-haver."

Marriages.
Gist.
Marriagist.


* Why pronounce the man "man"? Isn't that what he is already?
Is it He-Man's fault? Did he-he start it?
Did someone pronounce him "He" and "Man"?
No man is an island, sure, but a He-Man might be a happening peninsula.

Happening.
Peninsula.
Happeninsula.

Or perhaps the LADY doth protest too much.

Scramble the letters in He-Man and you get "Me? Nah."

Does this mean anything? Probably not. But what DOES mean anything?

Orthography.
Feelings.
Orthographeelings.

Mathematiquality

Mathematic.
Equality.
Mathematiquality.

Some people are for "marriage equality" for gay people.

Not me.

I'm for "marriage GREATER-than-ness" for gay people. Because they've had "less than" for quite some time (and not in a "less is more" tricky kind of way), so this seems like a perfect way to even the score.

PLUS, it has the added benefit of giving gay marriage opposers something legitimate to complain about.
e.g. "How come they get MORE rights? They shouldn't get MORE. They should get EQUAL!"

And then gay marriage opposers are suddenly fighting for marriage equality, and everyone wins!

Homophobia.
Obituary.
Homophobituary.

Traditiunned

Tradition.
Shunned.
Traditiunned.

In my life, I tend to follow a tradition of not following many traditions.

Doing things that were done in the past for no other reason than that they were done in the past doesn't sound like the best way to live in the present or move into the future.

Custom.
Tomorrow.
Customorrow.

Things change.

In biblical times, a marriage could consist of one man having many wives and concubines, not just the two-member unit claimed falsely as "traditional" marriage today.

Concubine.
Binary.
Concubinary.

So, in actuality, since many spouses were allowed in the past, and today it's only two at a time, then we're not on a path towards polygamy at all, but rather we're heading away from it, such that soon all we'll see will be marriages consisting of one person.

(Which will certainly make it easier to find your soulmate, provided you've got a mirror.)

Reflect.
Ecstacy.
Reflecstacy.

Unless we want to uphold the tradition of the past and return to an era of polygamy.
(Something to which most marriage "traditionalists" would probably object.)

Wince.
Institution.
Wincetitution.

Lying about the past, misrepresenting the present, trying to control the future...
If this is what tradition has to offer, I'm fine with whatever the opposite is.

Convention.
Antonym
Conventiantonym

Remembryo

Remember.
Embryo.
Remembryo.

Some people claim to recall very early memories.

Early.
Liars.
Earliars.

Some people claim to recall past lives.

Reincarnated.
Aren't.
Reincaren't.

Some people even claim to remember the future.

Nostradamus.
Amusing.
Nostradamusing.

What if Nostradamus was reborn today and remembered everything he said would happen?

He'd probably read all the interpretations of his predictions and be like, "No, no, no! This isn't what I meant at all. Why is nothing being done to stop the coming apocalypse?"

And then he'd get sidetracked with his own reality TV show...*

Television.
Visionary.
Televisionary.

...something like "Who Wants to Marry Nostradamus?" where he would make predictions about who his potential wife and then go out looking for her.

ESP.
Spouse.
ESPouse.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I remember being Nostradamus and now I demand my own reality show.

Memory.
Reality.
Memoreality.

Seriously. I could remember it. It could be real. TV me!

Imagine.
Ginko Biloba.
Imaginko Biloba.


* Reality Tell a Vision.

Monopolygamy

Monopoly.
Polygamy.
Monopolygamy.

What the Mormons have.

(A board game played with any number of wives, aged 13 and up.)

Squedding

Squid.
Wedding.
Squedding.

When two cephalopods are joined in holy matrimony.

To have and to hold (with sixteen arms and legs).
To love, honor, and obey (by communicating with bioluminescence).
For richer or poorer (though the ink may not always be flowing).
In sickness and in health (no matter how fried you may be).

Calamari.
Marital.
Calamarital.

I now pronounce you delicious.