Ventriloquisdom

Ventriloquist.

Wisdom.

Ventriloquisdom.

Behind every great man is another man with his hand in that first man's butt.

Also the first man is made of wood, and doesn't have to be a man.

The second man doesn't have to be a man either.

This stuff is hard to learn. You'll never find a book called "Ventriloquists for Dummies."

Mannequin.

Quintessentials.

Mannequintessentials.

Hefnerd

Hefner.
Nerd.
Hefnerd.

The brains behind Playboy.

(They say behind every great man is a woman, and this man was smart enough to put the women front and center.)

XXX.
X Chromosome.
XXX Chromosome.

Abracadabrasive

Abracadabra.
Abrasive.
Abracadabrasive.

When a genie in a lamp rubs you the wrong way.

Perhaps because you rubbed IT the wrong way.

Which leads to YOU having to grant IT* three wishes.

Dodgy.
Genie.
Dodgenie.


* I used the word "it" instead of "him," choosing to be un-PC against the genie community, as opposed to the sexist option, or the awkwardness of "him or her," because a genie could certainly be either gender, and there's no way a glass ceiling could keep a genie from magicking right through it.

Gender.
Derogatory.
Genderogatory.

Candorky

Candor.
Dorky.
Candorky.

To be honest, I have some nerdy interests.

Huge.
Geek.
Hugeek.

For example, growing up I was great at math and read a lot of comic books. (And I could tell you just how many comic books I read, that's how great at math I was.)

Loner.
Nerd.
Lonerd.

But I'm not dorky in every way one can be.

Dweeb.
Ebb and Flow.
Dweebb and Flow.

For example, I'm not a huge fan of Star Trek.

Trekkie.
Keyed Up.
Trekkeyed Up.

Which means I enjoyed the new movie, but I would have enjoyed it slightly more if I knew EVERYTHING there is to know about Star Trek.

Outcast.
Astronomical.
Outcastronomical.

But if I knew EVERYTHING there is to know about Star Trek, I would probably have enjoyed my life more than slightly less.

Misfit.
Fitting.
Misfitting.

Also I get lots of chicks now.

Magnet.
Networking.
Magnetworking.

Molestrogen

Molest.
Estrogen.
Molestrogen.

Statistics show that there are fewer female pedophiles than males.

And not just because women aren't allowed to become priests.

Female.
Alleluia.
Femalleluia.

And I don't mean to rub salt in any stigmata with tired Catholic jokes.
(See? New twist!)

I know they've been beaten to death, but the church is usually the first one to support the idea of things coming back from the dead.

Zombie.
Bee's Knees.
Zombie's Knees.

What if Jesus rose from the grave and told the Pope he's fired (for sexist hiring practices, if not the pedophile scandals)?

Vatican.
Canned.
Vaticanned.

Or at least if he could return to create a porn magazine that religious folks could use as a substitute for the real wronging of women and children.

Repent.
Penthouse.
Repenthouse.


(See also Religionesty.)

Robat Mitzvah

Robot.
Bat Mitzvah.
Robat Mitzvah.

The day a female robot becomes a man.

Tron.
Transexual.
Tronsexual.


(See also Babar Mitzvah.)

Chlamydiamonds

Chlamydia.
Diamonds.
Chlamydiamonds.

NOT a girl's best friend.

(Nor man's best friend. That's a dog.
Ideally a dog with no STDs either.)

Canine.
Infected.
Caninfected.

Embryo-Yo

Embryo.
Yo-Yo.
Embryo-Yo.

A new life that springs forth from a woman, but then immediately shoots back in.

Umbilical.
Lickety-Split.
Umbilickety-Split.

Cosmosis

Cosmo.
Osmosis.
Cosmosis.

How to consume all the female tips you need without needing to know how to read.

Perfect for a time when women were not allowed to know how to.

History.
Recent.
Historecent.

Hermaphroditalics

Hermaphrodite.*
Italics.
Hermaphroditalics.

That person's got man parts AND female parts!

Capital.
Italicized.
Capitalicized.


* Already a combination of Hermes and Aphrodite.
Not too inspired a combo though--if someone wants to deliver that message to the right place.

Hermes.
Messenger.
Hermessenger.

In Vitrophy

In Vitro.
Trophy.
In Vitrophy.

A prize that is developed outside a woman's body.

So, most of them.

Except for contests where you can win a baby.

A baby that was conceived naturally, not in a test tube.

(Actually, so-called "test-tube" babies are created in more of a dish-like situation.
Did you know that? Then you win the prize.)

Compete.
Petri.
Competri.

Cosmoking

Cosmo.
Smoking.
Cosmoking.

I have an article to pitch to Cosmopolitan Magazine.

Cigarettes are the new black (lung)!

Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis.
Sistah!
Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosistah!

Not only do they darken your insides, they also make your organs skinnier, which makes YOU skinnier!

Thin.
Incognito.
Thincognito.

Another benefit, there's that sexy emphysema voice!

Raspy.
Speech.
Raspeech.

Plus, if you get cancer, chemo makes you even thinner, plus you lose your hair which means only one thing... it's awesome wig time!

Sexy.
Extensions.
Sextensions.

And the ultimate benefit: cigarettes can also be used to burn all of your Cosmopolitans to a crisp, or at least end your life sooner so that you don't have to read as many of them anymore.

You're free of the evil!

Women.
Menace.
Womenace.

Matadorky

Matador.
Dorky.
Matadorky.

Nerdy bullfighters.*

Poindexter.
Steer.
Poindexteer.


* Side note: bullfighting is sexist.
Fighting only the male, excluding the female cow.

Udder.
Derision.
Udderision.

It's not called "cattle-fighting."
There's not even a separate (but "equal") league of heffer-fighting.
(Or if there is, it's not even as well known as the WNBA.)

Bessie.
Basketball.
Bessketball.

Womental

Women.
Mental.
Womental.

What was your initial reaction to this?

That females are smart? Or crazy?

(Because "mental" can mean both.)

Knowing.
Wingnut.
Knowingnut.

Context is important.

"You have a great mental acuity" vs. "What are you, mental?" *

Flipped.
Pedagogical.
Flippedagogical.


* vs. "What is your great acuity, mental?"

Crazy? Smart? Both?

George Bernard Shaw said, notably**, "The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man." ***

Brilliant.
Antidote.
Brilliantidote.


** Hence, I note it. Ably.


*** Note also that Shaw said nothing about the unreasonable woman.
(And that's an amazing accomplishment, given his wife abstained from sex completely throughout their more than forty years of marriage.)

Crazy? Smart? Both?

Abstain.
Insane.
Abstainsane.

Detestosterone

Detest.
Testosterone.
Detestosterone.

Do you think you should hate men more than you do? *
Then this is the hormone for you!

Psyche.
Chemical.
Psychemical.


* Perhaps you intellectually know about all the damage done to the world by history's patriarchal power structures which have been based on society's continual emphasizing of "manly" qualities like aggression, and yet don't find yourself on the same page emotionally.

Man.
Anger.
Manger.

Shavenge

Shaven.
Avenge.
Shavenge.

To get payback on a hairdresser who done you wrong.

Go get'em, lady!

Baldest.
Estrogen.
Baldestrogen.

Lesbionic

Lesbian.
Bionic.
Lesbionic.

Half woman who loves women, half unfeeling robot who can love no one.

Woman.
Android.
Womandroid.

Or just a woman whose lesbian powers are electronically amplified.

Cyborg.
Orgy.
Cyborgy.

Midolatry

Midol.
Idolatry.
Midolatry.

Worshipping the false god of menstrual pain reliever.

Though if you try a side-by-side comparison, who's to say which one is false.

e.g. "This side of my uterus received Midol, and this side received prayer."

Midol: for when God doesn't answer.

Praying.
Ingrate.
Prayingrate.

Monopolygamy

Monopoly.
Polygamy.
Monopolygamy.

What the Mormons have.

(A board game played with any number of wives, aged 13 and up.)

Bazumlaut

Bazoom.
Umlaut.
Bazumlaut.

Two dots over the breast that change its pronunciation.

A new German design from Victoria's Secret.

Punctuated.
Teddie.
Punctuateddie.