Blasphemur

Blaspheme.
Femur.
Blasphemur.

A sinful leg bone.

Which is why God took one of Adam's RIBS, and not this one.

Also that would have made it hard to walk.

Sham.
Ambulatory.
Shambulatory.

Ampersandwich

Ampersand.
Sandwich.
Ampersandwich.

A delicious punctuation, the recipe of which is a generous helping of the shift key along with the number 7.

Menu.
Numerical.
Menumerical.

Easy as pie!
(Or even easier, actually. I can't make a pie, but I can do this.)

Recipe.
Period.
Reciperiod.

Siloathing

Silo.
Loathing.
Siloathing.

There exist stores of food that are being wasted while some people are wasting away, or at least wasting down to a smaller waist size.

Dietary.
Terrible.
Dietarrible.

Nipplethora

Nipple.
Plethora.
Nipplethora.

More than two.

Quantity.
Titties.
Quantitties.

Decrepituitary

Decrepit.
Pituitary.
Decrepituitary.

A gland that has gotten too old and run-down to secrete hormones regulating homeostasis, including tropic hormones that stimulate other glands, according to Wikipedia.*

Octogenarian.
Endocrine.
Octogenariendocrine.


* Who needs school anymore!?

(Should the exclamation point go AFTER the question mark there, or does that look right?
I guess school is still necessary after all.)

Punctuated.
Education.
Punctuateducation.

Disgustingy

Disgusting.
Stingy.
Disgustingy.

I've kept a couple blog ideas to myself in the past, not sharing them because they might have been a little gross or not exactly what I wanted to put forth here, but I decided to be open and honest and uncensored about them, so you're welcome or I'm sorry.

Bulimia.
Emaciated.
Bulimaciated.

Fairly self-explanatory, not too bad.

Barfing.
Fingers.
Barfingers.

A little worse?

Just one more...

Clandestine.
Stink.
Clandestink.

A silent fart.

(I don't even think that one's particularly hard to handle, but it's more just the fact that it's a fart joke that I'm ashamed of. Can one be creative with this bodily function? Carlin certainly discussed it at great length over his critically acclaimed career. Not that I'm saying my fart jokes are on par with his fart jokes. But at least a standard exists, perhaps.)

Fart.
Artsy.
Fartsy.

Hungovery

Hungover.
Very.
Hungovery.

If I were, I wouldn't have the wherewithal to write this.

(I wouldn't even have the wherewithal to come up with the word "wherewithal.")

Wherewithal.
Hallelujah.
Wherewithallelujah.

I've only been VERY hungover twice in my life, because after the first time, I swore I would never let it happen again, it was so horrible.

Then I forgot, hence the second time.

Forgetful.
Foolish.
Forgetfoolish.

Did you know, Savannah is one of the few places in the country where you can take a to-go cup of alcohol outside of a bar, legally?

I should have taken advantage of that law.

Because that would have taken me AWAY from the bar and its free drinks which would lead to the ultimate battle the next morning between my brain and my stomach, a painful battle over whether more fluids should be allowed in to replenish those lost (the brain's desire, in order to diminish the pain) or whether no fluid should ever be allowed to enter the body and stay there again (the stomach's desire, as it had been burned by certain fluids the night before).

Fluid.
Idiot.
Fluidiot.

So, let this be a lesson to you. Or to me, at least.

If you swear never to do something ever again, remember that you swore not to do it.

Especially if the the thing that you swore not to do is the sort of thing that would attack your capacity to remember even more in the future.

Memory.
Moratorium.
Memoratorium.

Pancreassurance

Pancreas.
Reassurance.
Pancreassurance.

"Your neighbor will be just fine, Mr. Gallbladder...
But next time, just think more about how much bile you're spewing."

Anthropomorphic.
Organs.
Anthropomorgans.

FAqua

FAQ.
Aqua.
FAqua.

Frequently asked questions about water:

1) What percentage of the earth is covered in water?
2) What percentage of a human body is made of water?
3) Is it a coincidence that those numbers are similar?
4) What is hoarfrost? Is it dirty?
5) Are these questions really asked frequently?
6) Are there really any questions people frequently ask about water?
7) Are we talking RELATIVE frequency? And if so, relative to what?
8) That last one didn't even mention water.
9) That last one wasn't even a question. Neither was this, was it?
10) Why is this making a mockery of all that FAQs stand for?

If you have any more questions about water, let us know!

Liquid.
Questions.
Liquedstions.

Ignoramuscles

Ignoramus.
Muscles.
Ignoramuscles.

I do push-ups.

Doing push-ups makes me feel stupid.

Why? Here are some numbered responses:

1) They're uncomfortable to do and make me unhappy in the moment,* which seems dumb.

2) I could be spending my push-up time reading and gaining more knowledge, to become less dumb.

3) The world could end tomorrow and then these push-ups would all be a waste. Dumb.

4) If my muscles are growing, then that means that proportionally, the size of my brain is decreasing compared to the rest of my body.

See how dumb I'm getting?

At least I can punch things better now.

Punched.
Head.
Punchead.


* Because isn't the moment all we have, in a sense?

Carpe Diem.
I'm Dumb.
Carpe Di'm Dumb.

See?

Potatorso

Potato.
Torso.
Potatorso.

The latest accessory for Mrs. Potato-Head.

Which means she'll just go by Ms. Potato from now on... her maiden name.

Hyphen.
French Fries.
Hyphrench Fries.

Twisterile

Twister.
Sterile.
Twisterile.

Be careful how much you contort yourself going for right leg green, left leg red.

Colored.
Redeployment.
Coloredeployment.

It's all fun and games until someone loses the ability to have children.

Barren.
Rendezvous.
Barrendezvous.

Zebrassiere

Zebra.
Brassiere.
Zebrassiere.

Support for the wild horse-like creature that doesn't want EVERYTHING about them running wild.

Breast.
Steady.
Breasteady.

Desparagus

Despair.
Asparagus.
Desparagus.

The horrible feeling your nose feels when your body eliminates an asparagus meal.

Smelly.
Leave.
Smelleave.

Midolatry

Midol.
Idolatry.
Midolatry.

Worshipping the false god of menstrual pain reliever.

Though if you try a side-by-side comparison, who's to say which one is false.

e.g. "This side of my uterus received Midol, and this side received prayer."

Midol: for when God doesn't answer.

Praying.
Ingrate.
Prayingrate.

Hummuscular

Hummus.
Muscular.
Hummuscular.

Popeye, if he were Middle Eastern.*

(Plus, he already loves olive oil.)


* Here, chickpeas are the Middle Eastern equivalent to spinach.

Spinach.
Naturally.
Spinachurally.

Guesstimatrix

Guesstimate.
Matrix.
Guesstimatrix.

To whomever put together "guess" and "estimate": why combine words with same-ilar meanings? *

You don't see me-I** doing this:

Fluid. Liquid. Fluiquid.
Fake. Fictitious. Faketitious.
Jacket. Coat. Jackoat.
Cow. Cattle. Cowtle.
Mapmaker. Cartographer. Mapmakartographer.
Armageddon. Apocalypse. Armpogeddalypsen.
Fatso. So Obese. Fatsobese.
(Okay, you actually might have seen me-I do this last one.)

Just give it some think-sideration, okay?



* Okay, maybe you could argue that an estimate is more educated than just a guess.

But then what's a cross between a less educated guess and a more educated guess?
A guess with a medium level of education?

Is it really necessary to have this much differentiation in the levels of guess quality?

Just because you CAN combine words doesn't mean you SHOULD combine them. ***

You don't see me-I doing this:

Skull. Skeleton. Skulleton.
Shoe. Boot. Shboot.
Couch. Chair. Couchair.
Woman. Human. Whuman.

These things are close enough as is.
What good will combining them do?
Just leave well enough solone.


** Me-I: a fun one to say, a cross between "me" and "I."
And if "myself" is feeling left out, feel free to upgrade to "Me-I-self."


*** But it also doesn't mean that you shouldn't.
Especially if the words mean different things that can be combined to result in hilarious or innovative (or at least logical) results.

Hilarious.
Results.
Hilarisults.

Secretina

Secret.
Retina.
Secretina.

The mystical third eye that can lead to higher consciousness.

If you can't see it, just open your mind. Or your third eye.

Or just draw it on with a magical marker.

Smart.
Artist.
Smartist.

Cocktailment

Cocktail.
Ailment.
Cocktailment.

A cute name you have for your alcoholism.

Martini.
Neurosis.
Martineurosis.

That is...

Margarita.
Relapse.
Margarilapse.

...until your liver has finished living.*

Chaser.
Cirrhosis.
Chasirrhosis.


* And when a thinger stops thinging, that's it.
Because that's its thing.
A liver lives.
And you live because your liver lives.
You are a liver because of your liver.
And you won't be living without a living liver.
(Unless a new liver is delivered.)

Delivery.
Veritable.
Deliveritable.

And even then, maybe not.

Transplant.
Anti-climactic.
Transplanti-climactic.

Sorry if this got too negative.
Don't worry.
You are statistically much less likely to die in a liver transplant surgery than you are in a drunk driving accident.
There.

Positivity.
Typical.
Positivitypical.

Uterusty

Uterus.
Rusty.
Uterusty.

It may have been a while since it last gave birth.

But it's time to get the gang back together for one last job.

"I'm getting too old for this."

Downfall.
Fallopian.
Downfallopian.