Sorrizona

Sorry.
Arizona.
Sorrizona.

I went on ABC News Now earlier today. So not now anymore. Before. I went on ABC News Now before. Understand?

They asked me about ASU's decision not to give Obama an honorary degree, and how I felt about it, because he seemed fine with it.

My girlfriend is actually from Arizona and, in preparation for my appearance (before Now, or before then, if you will), told me that Arizona was one of the last states to recognize MLK's birthday as a holiday, and then only because they were afraid they couldn't have the Superbowl if they didn't.

That said, she pointed out that it's difficult to get an honorary degree if you don't have any honor.

So, she said that before Now, so that I could say it on Now, and now that it's later (after Now), I just wanted to clear something up, because the person interviewing me said "ouch" and apologized to their Arizona listeners.

And I wanted to apologize for a couple things:

1) For saying on air "no offense," because that's lame.
2) For NOT saying on air that this point had come from a smart person FROM Arizona.
3) For not having a third thing to apologize for.
4) For creating a paradox that may destroy the universe but hasn't yet, it seems.

That's all.

ASU.
Sucka.
A SUcka.

(Seriously, no offense.)

Fantasymptote

Fantasy.
Asymptote.
Fantasymptote.

A line that reality approaches the limit of, but never reaches.

Limit.
Mythology.
Limithology.

Alpacamel

Alpaca.
Camel.
Alpacamel.

An animal that looks just like itself.

Or like a cross between itself and something similar.

Dromedary.
Daring.
Dromedaring.

Leprechaunches

Leprechaun.
Haunches.
Leprechaunches.

What he sits back on, before springing into action to prevent you from stealing his* secret pot of gold.

Treasure.
Surreptitious.
Treasurreptitious.


* Is it sexist to say "he" to refer to a leprechaun whose gender is unknown?
What about the fact that I've never seen a female leprechaun?
Do female leprechauns exist?
I mean, do they exist even less than male leprechauns do?

Sexist.
Existence.
Sexistence.

What about a unicorn with two corns? (A bicorn?)
Is that even more fictitious than just a plain old, boring unicorn?

What about one with three horns?
(I know, that's a triceratops.)

Rhino.
Dinosaur.
Rhinosaur.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, don't try to steal gold from a female triceratops.

And if only male leprechauns do exist, it makes sense why they'd be down with rainbows.

(Stereotype alert!
Are they gay because of the rainbow, or Jewish because of the gold?
Answer: they got so drunk that they forgot what stereotypes to fulfill, because they're Irish.)

Stereotype.
Typology.
Stereotypology.

(That can also read as "stereotype apology.")

Secretina

Secret.
Retina.
Secretina.

The mystical third eye that can lead to higher consciousness.

If you can't see it, just open your mind. Or your third eye.

Or just draw it on with a magical marker.

Smart.
Artist.
Smartist.

Stallonely

Stallone.
Lonely.
Stallonely.

If only Rocky and Rambo were different people inhabiting the same universe.
Then they could at least have each other.

Nirvanalysis

Nirvana.
Analysis.
Nirvanalysis.

At the times that I've come closest to attaining a perfectly peaceful state of mind, it is always on the brink of conflict.
Conflict between simply living in the moment and the desire to record that moment for later posterity.
Experience vs. memory.
Present vs. future.
Feeling vs. thinking.

If now is always spent planning for later, then what is later for?
Thinking about the past?
Planning for the past, if the present is spent building a time machine.

But if a time machine were built later, now would be a good time for it to come back and tell us about it. So we could get started on building it so we can send it back later to get it started again.

And that hasn't happened yet. So no need to start.
And the perpetual cycle of justifiable laziness continues.
Nothing continues to be everything.
Now continues to be all.

Good. I'm glad I wrote this all down so I'll have it for later.
(This blog is a time machine.)

Peace.

Continuumpire

Continuum.
Umpire.
Continuumpire.

Einstein determined that space and time were actually one.
Buddha determined the same thing, but he might have been hallucinating from eating too little. Or eating too much. Or eating just the right amount, Gandhi-locks style.
(Where too little IS the right amount and the right amount is too much. Zen headache!)

That's why Einstein beat out Buddha as the referee of the Space-Time Continuum, which is why if you correctly scramble the letters of "Space-Time Continuum" appropriately, you get these appropriate results:

Einstein = MCC*, Auto Ump
A Cosmic Umpteen's Unit
and
A Sciences Optimum Nut


If you scramble them less appropriately, you get these less appropriate results:

A Cosmetic Neptunium
Conceit Minus Amputee
And
Impotences... A Tunic... Um


And if you REALLY screw it up, you get these:

Scott
Mark
and
Brian**


One could argue that God is the actual umpire of the space-time continuum, but Einstein would still have to act as his representative in the corporeal world.
Like the Pope does for non-science God.
And Einstein doesn't even need the hat, because his hair is big enough.
Or maybe the Pope hat was designed to fit Einstein's hair perfectly, like Cinderella's slippers.

But something went awry along the way.
Some sort of space-time continuoops.

Which sent unfortunate ripples in all directions throughout history and future history.
Causing things like the Crusades, the Holocaust, and the band Creed.

And now we don't have the right continuumpire.
So we have to try to fix things and make them right ourselves.
We have to listen to each other, learn about our differences, and strive to overcome them and connect with one another.
Because Einstein and Buddha were right, everything is one, everything is connected, and we can all succeed together.

Or we can just sit back and wait for the right person to come along and fill the scientific Cinderella Pope-hat.


* "MCC" is short for "MC Squared," and "Einstein" is long for "E."

** These are the first names of the original members of the band Creed.

Blizzarduos Coldege

Cold.
College.
Coldege.

Sometimes it's said that people who live in the South are stupid.
I submit that they are not.
Because they live in the South, where the weather is a positive number all the time.

People in the South may talk slowly, but that's probably just because they're not trying to rub two vocal chords together for warmth. They're not in a hurry to get out of the cold that they're not stupidly living in.

I was in Minnesota performing at a college.
It was cold there.
Seventeen degrees below zero. Fahrenheit. (More like Fahren-depth.)
Below nothing.
Below existence.
Existence is positive.
This was negative. No good. Seventeen degrees of no good.
I was not a fan.
(Which is good, because a fan only would have blown more cold air.)

Minnesota.
So cold.
Minneso cold.

It may have frozen the part of my brain that blogs sensibly.

Blizzard.
Arduous.
Blizzarduous.