Wrathletics

Wrath.
Athletics.
Wrathletics.

Working out your anger.

Ire.
Aerobics.
Ireobics.

Benchwarmored

Benchwarmer.
Armored.
Benchwarmored.

I developed a thick skin playing sports as a kid.

Maybe that's why no one picked me for their teams, because of my weird skin condition.

Epidermis.
Misshapen.
Epidermisshapen.

Sometimes I did get to play, but it was always in right field.

And the other kids were playing hockey elsewhere.

Baseball.
Alone.
Basebalone.

Twinitials

Twin.
Initials.
Twinitials.

People who share the same letters starting their first and last name.

For example, here are some of my (Myq Kaplan's) initial twins:

Mike Katz (a guy I went to college with, not someone I'm making up)

Unimaginary.
A Real Person.
Unimaginareal Person.

Martin Luther King (if you ignore his pesky middle name that no one uses much anyway, right?)

Civic.
Victor.
Civictor.

Mortal Kombat (did I say they had to be people? fine, then this will be the name of my first child*)

Moniker.
Krrrrunch!
Monikerrrunch!

Those are actually the only ones I could come up with. Anyone have other ideas?
Are there no celebrities with just the initials MK? Is it forbidden? Am I forever doomed to a life of simple happiness and productivity on a reasonable and enjoyable scale?

Fulfilment.
Entire.
Fulfilmentire.


* I'm not actually planning on having children, but I very well may change my last name to "Kombat." That couldn't lead to any more spelling konfusion.
e.g. "That's right, it's Myq with a Y and a Q, and Kombat with a K, no, this isn't a prank, hello? Hello? Please, I need my medicine!"
(In this scenario, I am on the phone with some sort of medical provider, it seems.
Which is optimistic about either my future financial situation or prospects for universal health care, or both. Here's hoping, you skeptics!)

Alphabet.
Bitter.
Alphabitter.

Gravityranny

Gravity.
Tyranny.
Gravityranny.

What goes up MUST come down. That's what they say.

Dictatorial.
Reality.
Dictatoreality.

But what if you climbed a mountain and stayed up there until you died?

Everest.
Rest In Peace.
Everest In Peace.

And then instead of being buried, you were cremated and had your ashes launched into space?

NASA.
Ashes.
NAShes.

And you kept heading up and up and up and up?

Tragic.
Trajectory.
Tragictory.

Meanwhile, your soul is also heading upward.

Heaven.
Eventually.
Heaventually.

And you get there, and become an official cherub.

Angelic.
License.
Angelicense.

You've gone up, and didn't come down. Take that, science!

Sci-Fi.
Iffy.
Sci-Ffy.

Unless your angelic duties involved returning to Earth and help the living, guardian-style. Fine, you got me, universe.

Defeat.
Ether.
Defether.

Convicarious

Convict.
Vicarious.
Convicarious.

When someone else goes to jail for you.

Prisoner.
Nearly.
Prisonearly.

Al Frankenstein

Al Franken.
Frankenstein.
Al Frankenstein.

A monster who's good enough, strong enough, and gosh darn it, people elected him senator, rather than chasing him with pitchforks and fire. *

(Or the doctor that created that monster and lit the way for his political career.)

Doctor.
Torches.
Doctorches.


* Tools of the devil, or of an agricultural arsonist.

Fiery.
Farmer.
Firemer.

Tipsychic

Tipsy.
Psychic.
Tipsychic.

Someone who develops ESP after a few drinks.

e.g. "I predict that I'm going to puke and fall down simultaneously."

Clairvoyant.
Antics.
Clairvoyantics.

Which sounds irresponsible, but actually creates the perfect circumstances for the drunk's child's science fair experiment, testing whether gravity applies equally to man and vomit.

Responsible.
Bulimia.
Responsibulimia.

And one final point on the subject of throwing up and predicting the future...

If a man named Ralph ralphs, does he feel as though he should have seen it coming?

Or has he likely resigned himself to the predestination of the situation, like an unavoidable prophecy that would have come to pass no matter how much care was taken to keep it from happening?
(Like the classic tragic tales of Oedipus or Final Destination.)

Oedipus.
Pukes.
Oedipukes.

Brainjury

Brain.
Injury.
Brainjury.

The way you say it after you have one.

Ache.
Headache.
Acheadache.

Idahorrible?

Idaho.
Horrible?
Idahorrible?

Someone told me it was.

But maybe they just hate potatoes.

Spud.
Grudge.
Sprudge.

Mathematiquality

Mathematic.
Equality.
Mathematiquality.

Some people are for "marriage equality" for gay people.

Not me.

I'm for "marriage GREATER-than-ness" for gay people. Because they've had "less than" for quite some time (and not in a "less is more" tricky kind of way), so this seems like a perfect way to even the score.

PLUS, it has the added benefit of giving gay marriage opposers something legitimate to complain about.
e.g. "How come they get MORE rights? They shouldn't get MORE. They should get EQUAL!"

And then gay marriage opposers are suddenly fighting for marriage equality, and everyone wins!

Homophobia.
Obituary.
Homophobituary.

Alcohulk

Alcohol.
Hulk.
Alcohulk.

Someone who gets dumber and and greener when they drink.

Drunk.
Unknowing.
Drunknowing.

There are likely some anger issues involved as well.*

Angry.
Green.
Angreen.

(See also Hulcer and Doppelganger Management.)

Authwhore

Author.
Whore.
Authwhore.

Someone who sells books for money.

Literature.
Torrid.
Literaturrid.

Cosmoking

Cosmo.
Smoking.
Cosmoking.

I have an article to pitch to Cosmopolitan Magazine.

Cigarettes are the new black (lung)!

Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis.
Sistah!
Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosistah!

Not only do they darken your insides, they also make your organs skinnier, which makes YOU skinnier!

Thin.
Incognito.
Thincognito.

Another benefit, there's that sexy emphysema voice!

Raspy.
Speech.
Raspeech.

Plus, if you get cancer, chemo makes you even thinner, plus you lose your hair which means only one thing... it's awesome wig time!

Sexy.
Extensions.
Sextensions.

And the ultimate benefit: cigarettes can also be used to burn all of your Cosmopolitans to a crisp, or at least end your life sooner so that you don't have to read as many of them anymore.

You're free of the evil!

Women.
Menace.
Womenace.

Parrottweiler

Parrot.
Rottweiler.
Parrottweiler.

An animal that will bite someone exactly the same way you just bit them.

Copycat.
Ate.
Copycate.

So it's a bird-like dog who acts like a cat.

(See also Chimpanzebra.)

Orvilbur

Orville.
Wilbur.
Orvilbur.

The Wright brothers after an unsuccessful plane mission where their remains were mashed together, or after a successful and purposeful Frankenstein-like experiment resulting in a Voltron-like combination of the duo.

Result.
Voltron.
Resoltron.

Sudanza

Sudan.
Danza.
Sudanza.

One of the worst things in history, PLUS genocide in Darfur.

Please help stop these atrocities.

Manifesto.
Tony.
Manifestony.

Chewbacchalaureate

Chewbaca.
Bacchalaureate.
Chewbacchalaureate.

A degree in subject matter that was relevant long, long ago, that you should remain in a galaxy far, far away from.

Jedi.
Diploma.
Jediploma.

Mentorment

Mentor.
Torment.
Mentorment.

What Daniel-san experienced when painting Mr. Miyagi's house, until he got smart enough to trick Tom Sawyer's neighbors into doing it for him.

Clemens.
Mensa.
Clemensa.

Sentresent

Sentry.
Resent.
Sentresent.

What a British soldier must feel at the prospect of not being able to move while protecting Buckingham Palace from tourists.

Immobile.
Bull.
Immobull.

Hiatussle

Hiatus.
Tussle.
Hiatussle.

I've been on somewhat of a vacation from my home and from the internet, and I'm sure it's been quite a struggle for all of us.

For that I am sorry.

Apologies.
Blog.
Apoblogies*.

I've been in Pennsylvania, where they do have electricity and computers**, but they also have things that distract from those things, like good friends and family and walks and nice weather***, whose gravity have caused me to pull away from this virtual world for more than normal.

Pittsburgh.
Urgent.
Pittsburgent.

So I just wanted to check in and make sure the internet knew I wasn't dead...put down your phones, relax, stop skyping the police, etc.

Pesky.
Skype.
Peskype.

I will be back, with or without a vengeance (depending if anything bad happens that requires avenging, but I'll definitely be writing a lot, and continuing to take certain phrases as unnecessarily literally as possible), blogging regularly until the next time I don't.

Forever.
Virtual.
Forevertual.


* See how rusty I am after a full day or more away?

(Please accept these additional e-pologies about those first e-pologies, and I will aim for continued improvement as much as possible.)

Rehab.
Absent.
Rehabsent.


* Though not everywhere.

Amish.
Missing.
Amissing.


** Nice weather isn't unique to Pennsylvania, of course, but when you add in the fact that spring just sprang...

Recent.
Equinox
Recuinox.

Igloomy

Igloo.
Gloomy.
Igloomy.

The Arctic can be a sad place, probably because seasonal affective disorder lasts all year.

Snowy.
Weepy.
Snoweepy.

Coconutella

Coconut.
Nutella.
Coconutella.

Just an idea for a delicious product.

You're welcome.

If you feel like that idea is too great to take for free, you are welcome to make it up to me however you like.

Recipe.
Reciprocity.
Reciperocity.

Potatorso

Potato.
Torso.
Potatorso.

The latest accessory for Mrs. Potato-Head.

Which means she'll just go by Ms. Potato from now on... her maiden name.

Hyphen.
French Fries.
Hyphrench Fries.

Culterior

Cult.
Ulterior.
Culterior.

My mother sent me to Sunday school as a child because she worried that without religious guidance, I might have a hole in my spirit* that could be taken advantage of by some exploitative group.**

Sunday.
Dazed.
Sundazed.

So I was indoctrinated into an AUTHORIZED cult to avoid being swept up by an unauthorized one.

Out of the frying pan and into the kosher frying pan.

Glatt.
Attaboy.
Glattaboy.

I ultimately escaped unscathed.
And you can, too, if you haven't already.
You don't have to live your life like anyone else tells you.
Listen to me, and you'll be free from outside influence.
Just do what I do and say, and you're your own person.

Win.
Individual.
Windividual.


* Like when you sneeze your soul out of your body which opens the door for the devil to get in.

Troubles.
Blessing.
Troublessing.


** Like the Jews for Jesus.

Jews.
Jesus.
Jewsus.

Or the Mormons for Mohammed.

Mormon.
Mohammed.
Mormohammed.

Or the Hindus for Buddha.

Hindu.
Buddha.
Hinduddha.

Or the Christians for Zeus.

Jesus.
Zeus.
Jezeus.

Mackerelapse

Mackerel.
Relapse.
Mackerelapse.

When an alcoholic falls off the wagon and starts drinking like a fish again.

(The wagon was next to the ocean.)

Aqua.
Alcohol.
Alquahol.

Chagrinch

Chagrin.
Grinch.
Chagrinch.

Being greedy makes you sad.

All greed gets you is money, which can't buy happiness.*

Whimper.
Purchase.
Whimpurchase.

Money can only buy you ephemeral moments of pleasure, which if strung together closely and consistently and in enough volume can still only provide a perfect ILLUSION of happiness, but not happiness itself.

Illusion.
Loser.
Illuser

Happiness itself takes hard work, being conscientious, and experiencing enough sadness to have a good framework of comparison.

Being happy is no walk in the park.

Ambulate.
Elated.
Ambelated.

Now you may say, I enjoy walks in the park. They make me happy.

They only make you THINK you're happy.
But what do you know?
Nothing.
You're ignorant.

Nihilist.
Listen.
Nihilisten.

Then you might say, ignorance is bliss.
But how did you know to say that, if you're so ignorant?

Happiness is a logical paradox.

Buddhist.
Discourse.
Buddhiscourse.


* Also, greed can get you THINGS.
But these things also can't be exchanged for happiness.
Only for store credit.

Commerce.
Mercy.
Commercy.

Traditiunned

Tradition.
Shunned.
Traditiunned.

In my life, I tend to follow a tradition of not following many traditions.

Doing things that were done in the past for no other reason than that they were done in the past doesn't sound like the best way to live in the present or move into the future.

Custom.
Tomorrow.
Customorrow.

Things change.

In biblical times, a marriage could consist of one man having many wives and concubines, not just the two-member unit claimed falsely as "traditional" marriage today.

Concubine.
Binary.
Concubinary.

So, in actuality, since many spouses were allowed in the past, and today it's only two at a time, then we're not on a path towards polygamy at all, but rather we're heading away from it, such that soon all we'll see will be marriages consisting of one person.

(Which will certainly make it easier to find your soulmate, provided you've got a mirror.)

Reflect.
Ecstacy.
Reflecstacy.

Unless we want to uphold the tradition of the past and return to an era of polygamy.
(Something to which most marriage "traditionalists" would probably object.)

Wince.
Institution.
Wincetitution.

Lying about the past, misrepresenting the present, trying to control the future...
If this is what tradition has to offer, I'm fine with whatever the opposite is.

Convention.
Antonym
Conventiantonym

Matadorky

Matador.
Dorky.
Matadorky.

Nerdy bullfighters.*

Poindexter.
Steer.
Poindexteer.


* Side note: bullfighting is sexist.
Fighting only the male, excluding the female cow.

Udder.
Derision.
Udderision.

It's not called "cattle-fighting."
There's not even a separate (but "equal") league of heffer-fighting.
(Or if there is, it's not even as well known as the WNBA.)

Bessie.
Basketball.
Bessketball.

Chimpanzebra

Chimpanzee.
Zebra.
Chimpanzebra.

What you get when you cross a bored zookeeper with a mad scientist.

Zoology.
Logistics.
Zoologistics.

Other animals you might get:

Flamingo. Goat. Flamingoat.
Porcupine. Rhinoceros. Porcupinoceros.
Manatee. T-Rex. Manatee-Rex.

Plus any that you can come up with.

Animalistic.
Listing.
Animalisting.

Yodacity

Yoda.
Audacity.
Yodacity.

When spaceships with your mind you can lift, arrogant YOU can be as well.

Forceful.
Philosophy.
Forcefilosophy.

Improvisland

Improvise.
Island.
Improvisland.

A magical place where nothing is planned.

Yes And.
Sandy Beaches.
Yesandy Beaches.

There's no script, you get suggestions from those around you, and then you have to work with other people to make things happen.

It's a reality show called reality.

Truth.
Things.
Truthings.

Radiorama

Radio.
Diorama.
Radiorama.

I am posting this entry from a radio station (which is a life-sized diorama of a radio station), where I am about to be a guest on the "Keith and the Girl" show.

Keith.
The Girl.
Keithe Girl.

Or if you are reading this too far into the future such that what I just wrote describes what happened previously rather than what is to happen soon, then please mentally adjust the above tense usage accordingly.

Refute.
Future.
Refuture.

For I am not ALWAYS in a state of "about to be a guest" on this show.

Unless you consider the grand scheme of the universe, with the passage of time in the life of a human being relatively minuscule, in which case perhaps I am.

Continual.
Always.
Continualways.

Plus, you can listen to the show any time on the internet. So I am even more definitely always about to be on the radio, to listeners who want to put the world wide work in.

Internet.
Never-Ending.
Internever-Ending.

Nirvanna White

Nirvana.
Vanna White.
Nirvanna White.

Life's highest plane of existence: turning letters over on a game show.

Fortunate.
Natural.
Fortunatural.

Knowthing

Know.
Nothing.
Knowthing.

Socrates and Confucius both claimed that true knowledge was in knowing the extent of one's ignorance.

So if they DIDN'T know that, then they would have been even wiser.

Socrates.
Confucius.
So Confused.

(See also Socratesty.)

Serumor

Serum.
Rumor.
Serumor.

The results of a failed truth serum that only gives you gossip.

Faux.
Potion.
Fauxtion.

Habitattoos

Habitat.
Tattoos.
Habitattoos.

Crop circles.

Mother Earth is just trying to look cool by putting foreign symbols on her body.

Rationale.
Alien.
Rationalien.

But is she too old to pull that off?

She is carrying a lot of water weight, though her revolutionary spin class might do wonders, along with erosion to keep her in shape for Father Time.

Aerobicize.
Seismic.
Aerobiceismic.

Bracefaculty

Braceface.
Faculty.
Bracefaculty.

When anyone in my elementary school got braces, the third-grade teacher would buy them a milkshake.

Kismet.
Metalmouth.
Kismetalmouth.

Kids would show up, flash a crooked metallic smile, and be on their way to Milkshake Town.*

Frappe.
Appreciated.
Frappreciated.

It made me jealous, because I liked milkshakes, too.

Why wasn't I the lucky one with misshapen teeth that would lead to years of physical and emotional pain due to the Eiffel Tower being glued into my mouth (plus a delicious milkshake right now)?

Discomfort.
Orthodontist.
Discomforthodontist.

In time, I finally got my wish...
My own braces, my own milkshake, and my own regret!

Moral of the story: kids do not know how to prioritize.

Futile.
Utilitarianism.
Futilitarianism.

Also, is a sugary drink really the best gift for a child with already unhealthy teeth?

Dentistry.
Treat.
Dentistreat.

Other moral of the story: adults do not know how to prioritize.

Cavity.
Teacher.
Caviteacher.


* Not the name of a real town.
Also not the name of a real neighborhood (like Chinatown).
Possibly the name of a real place that sells milkshakes.
(Or if not already, then I call it. Hello, royalties!)

Lactating.
Ingenuity.
Lactatingenuity.

Legallantry

Legal.
Gallantry.
Legallantry.

I once considered going to law school, because of how many legal TV shows I've enjoyed.*

(I especially like Boston Legal.)**

Legislative.
TV
LegislaTV.

It looked like fun, but I imagined there might be more to the law than just being smarmy and hilarious, so I ultimately decided against it.

Probably a good idea, considering I didn't even want to put in the minimal research needed to find out how much research would be involved in actually being a lawyer.

Unless you count reading John Grisham.

Dumbest.
Bestseller.
Dumbestseller.

Also, just because someone enjoys watching something, it doesn't necessarily follow that they'd enjoy DOING that something.

For example, I've also enjoyed Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Oz, and 24, but I don't want to fight vampires, be assaulted, OR torture even proven enemies of the state.***

Because I'm a pacifist, a coward, AND a liberal.

And there would probably be too much research involved.

Figures.
Research.
Figuresearch.


* Legal TV shows that may have been downloaded and watched illegally, ironically.

Pirated.
Attorneys.
Pirattorneys.


** Boston Legal episodes that may have been watched in Boston, non-ironically.

Has-Been.
Beantown.
Has-Beentown.


*** I might torture anti-American vampires that are assaulting me, if it comes to that.

Hypocrite.
Creative.
Hypocreative.

Breakfastidious

Breakfast.
Fastidious.
Breakfastidious.

Being very particular about the most important meal of the day.

Omelet.
Meticulous.
Omeleticulous.

And since breakfast comes before lunch, we now have verification that the eggs came before the chicken.

Which makes sense, because dinosaurs were laying eggs long before chickens even evolved.*

Philosophizing.
Zinger.
Philosophizinger.


* Unless you rephrase the chicken/egg conundrum in terms of "Which came first, the chicken or the CHICKEN-egg?" in which case all you have to do is define whether a chicken-egg is an egg that a chicken comes out of OR an egg that comes out of a chicken, because while usually they are one and the same, there had to be at least one generation between dinosaur and chicken where that relevant answer lies.

(I still vote egg.)

Missing Link.
Inkling.
Missing Linkling.

(See also Poultriceratops.)

Primpatience

Primp.
Impatience.
Primpatience.

Waiting for someone to perfect their appearance before you can leave the house.*

Delay.
Layers.
Delayers.


* Even though they'd be just as pretty with NO makeup or clothes.
Maybe even more so.
(But perhaps less appropriate for dining out.)

Dress-up.
Supper.
Dressupper.

Babar Mitzvah

Babar.
Bar Mitzvah.
Babar Mitzvah.

The day an elephant REALLY never forgets, because it is the day he becomes a man.

Which is the reverse of most bar mitzvahs, where Jewish boys hit puberty and start growing all misshapen and having skin problems like an elephant.*

Pachyderm.
Dermatology.
Pachydermatology.


* If only their tusks weren't made of ivory but rather of Ivory soap.
One of nature's great ironies.

Also, doves are not made of Dove soap.
Though I don't know what Dove itself is made of.
(I'm no soapsmith.)

The dove is meant to represent peace, so it would probably make a soothing body bar.

Soapy.
Peaceful.
Soapeaceful.

Contemplatinate

Contemplate.
Latinate.
Contemplatinate.

I performed at a religious school called Albertus Magnus, whose name seems to come from the Latin for "Fat Albert."

Hey hey hey, it's Jesus Christ!

Obesity.
Situation.
Obesituation.

Boardwawkward

Boardwalk.
Awkward.
Boardwawkward.

When I was a child, I was apparently very good at Monopoly.

Relatives suggested that I should become an accountant when I grew up because of this.
(Also because I was Jewish.* Or at least Jewy-ish.)

Jewish.
Wishy-Washy.
Jewishy-Washy.

But I honestly wasn't interested in real life banking.

I knew I was supposed to want to do something to make money, but I didn't know what to do.

Employment.
Mentality.
Employmentality.

So I decided that I wanted someone to hire me to just be myself.
Someone rich who could afford to support my lifestyle** in exchange for being entertained.

Financier.
Serious.
Financierious.

Like a court jester to a king.
(But with less chance of having my head cut off.)

Clown.
Ownership.
Clownership.

And look--that stupid and beautiful dream has sort of come true!

I jest for a living, and I occasionally go to court.
(There's some of that jesting!)

And sure, I might not work for a specific king, but I do entertain masses of people, and in a democracy, masses of people are king, right?
(I'm no political-ologist.)

Uncommon.
Monarch.
Uncommonarch.

So my wildest Monopoly dreams have come true...
I travel by thimble, my career has passed Go and I'm sure I've collected at least $200.

(Sorry I don't know the exact amount--I'm not an accountant.)

Ecstatic.
Statistics.
Ecstatistics.


* Jewish grandmothers are mandated to push for their children to join our holy trinity of stereotypes: the doctor, the lawyer, and the accountant.

Kosher.
Heroes.
Kosheroes.


** My lifestyle at the time consisted mainly of Spider-Man comic books.
Financing it would have been a bargain.
(Sorry, potential financiers who don't have time machines.)

Chronology.
Apology.
Chronopology.***

I've come a long way since then.
Now my lifestyle is comic books AND Netflix.
(And blogging, but that's on me.)


*** Monopoly's sequel.

Where you magically travel back in time to make good financial investments.

Capitalism.
Talisman.
Capitalisman.

Ringlingering

Ringling.
Lingering.
Ringlingering.*

Hanging around the circus after it closes.

Loitering.
Ringling.
Loiteringling.*

Seeing the performers let their guard down and be themselves.

Trapeze.
Easy-Going.
Trapeasy-Going.

Enjoying the absence of other patrons.

Circus.
Customers.
Circustomers.

Finding out if all the clowns carpool home in that tiny car.

Environmental.
Tailgating.
Environmentailgating.


* Fun circus trick: combine these two and see what happens...

Loiteringling.
Ringlingering.
Loiteringlingering.
Loitering. Lingering.

Apparently, the circus is all about lazing around.
Makes sense then why everyone would want to run away and join it.
You run, you join, you relax.**

Answer.
Circus.
Answircus.


** Just like Julius Caesar did.

Conquered.
Redefined.
Conqueredefined.

(Even looks like it could be Latin.)

Analogesus

Analogy.
Jesus.
Analogesus.

Water is to wine.

Etch-a-Sketchup

Etch-a-Sketch.
Ketchup.
Etch-a-Sketchup.

A red condiment that disappears when you shake it.

Heinz.
Instability.
Heinstability.

And then can distressingly turn into a totally different condiment.

Dismay.
Mayonnaise.
Dismayonnaise.

Partnerd

Partner.
Nerd.
Partnerd.

The smart kid in high school that you weren't friends with but were happy to pretend that you were in order to avoid doing any of the work that you were assigned to do as a group.

You know, me.

Pretend.
Friends.
Pretriends.

Just kidding, everyone.

This was more of an eighth-grade phenomenon for me.

I helped a popular kid pass vocabulary tests by tilting my paper towards him.
In exchange, he would smile at me with his popular face.

In fairness, he did have a good enough vocabulary to have convinced me that this was a good idea. *

And what's done is done. **

Irrevocable.
Vocabulary.
Irrevocabulary.


* And that kid became Obama's Secretary of Vocabulary.
Or at least that's what he made up for his Wikipedia page.
Or at least that's what I made up for this blog.

Faux.
Vocab.
Fauxcab.


** Also, what's dumb is dumb.

Irisks

Iris.
Risks.
Irisks.

Staring at the sun.

Solar.
Arrogance.
Solarrogance.

Becoming a pirate.

Marine.
Inexperience.
Marinexperience.

Doing scientific research on acid.*

Chemistry.
Tryouts.
Chemistryouts.

Participating in any activity post fun and games.

ESPECIALLY if said activity involves being a pirate scientist studying the effects of the sun.

Regret.
Retina.
Regretina.


* Either doing experiments with test tubes full of acid OR while on LSD.
Or both.

Acidic.
Dichotomy.
Acidichotomy.

Stupork

Stupor.
Pork.
Stupork.

Pigs are supposed to be smart, but if they're so smart, then how come they get eaten so much?

Bacon.
Constantly.
Baconstantly.

Sure, they may have tricked Jews and Muslims into leaving them be. For now.

And yes, they've also escaped the wrath of the Big Bad Wolf.

(By convincing him that he should follow Judeo-Islamic teachings and not blow down their house on the sabbath.)

Shalom.
Lone Wolf.
Shalone Wolf.

But as much as people declare that the pig is smarter than the dog, it's true, the dog might be mindlessly fetching its master's newspaper to read over breakfast, but more often than not, the pig IS that breakfast.

Porcine.
Inevitability.
Porcinevitability.

Womental

Women.
Mental.
Womental.

What was your initial reaction to this?

That females are smart? Or crazy?

(Because "mental" can mean both.)

Knowing.
Wingnut.
Knowingnut.

Context is important.

"You have a great mental acuity" vs. "What are you, mental?" *

Flipped.
Pedagogical.
Flippedagogical.


* vs. "What is your great acuity, mental?"

Crazy? Smart? Both?

George Bernard Shaw said, notably**, "The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man." ***

Brilliant.
Antidote.
Brilliantidote.


** Hence, I note it. Ably.


*** Note also that Shaw said nothing about the unreasonable woman.
(And that's an amazing accomplishment, given his wife abstained from sex completely throughout their more than forty years of marriage.)

Crazy? Smart? Both?

Abstain.
Insane.
Abstainsane.

Detestosterone

Detest.
Testosterone.
Detestosterone.

Do you think you should hate men more than you do? *
Then this is the hormone for you!

Psyche.
Chemical.
Psychemical.


* Perhaps you intellectually know about all the damage done to the world by history's patriarchal power structures which have been based on society's continual emphasizing of "manly" qualities like aggression, and yet don't find yourself on the same page emotionally.

Man.
Anger.
Manger.

Mementomology

Memento.
Entomology.
Mementomology.

The study of bugs as souvenirs.

Rememberance.
Ants.
Rememberants.

Like examining butterflies in the pages of a book...

Delicate.
Caterpillar.
Delicaterpillar.

...or gnats on the windshield of a car...

Wiper.
Pursuit.
Wipersuit.

...or some third, even more hilarious example.

Anti-Climactic.
Ticks.
Anti-Climacticks.

Unkempty

Unkempt.
Empty.
Unkempty.

A room that has nothing in it, yet is still somehow messy.

A zen paradox. Or NOT a zen paradox. Hmm?

Hyphen.
Feng Shui.
Hypheng Shui.

Fortunescapable

Fortune.
Unescapable.
Fortunescapable.

A Chinese cookie told me this yesterday:
"A hen tomorrow is better than an egg today."

Metaphor.
Horoscope.
Metaphoroscope.

1) I'm a vegan so neither option sounds great.

2) It's now tomorrow from yesterday, and I don't have either.
Zero hens today seems about equivalent to zero eggs yesterday.

3) This fortune seems to contradict traditional Western wisdom:
"Don't count your chickens before they've hatched."

Rooster.
Sterile.
Roosterile.

Which came first, the idea that a chicken is better or the idea that eggs shouldn't be counted?

Mathematical.
Calculation.
Mathematicalculation.

(Another time, I got a fortune that said "Pessimism never won any battles," which seemed itself pessimistic.

Pessimism won the battle of getting you inside that cookie, fortune.
Don't bite the hand that feeds you.

Or rather, don't bite the hand that puts you into into a cookie that feeds someone else.)

Paradox.
Doctrine.
Paradoctrine.

Poultriceratops

Poultry.
Triceratops.
Poultriceratops.

Even dinosaur tastes like chicken.

Tasty.
Stegosaurus.
Tastegosaurus.

And chicken didn't even exist back then. But cavemen knew.

Flavor.
Voracious.
Flavoracious.

You know, cavemen who co-existed with dinosaurs, like you see in animated documentaries and the Bible.

Flintstone.
Honesty.
Flintstonesty.

But they weren't loving pets, like Fred and Wilma would have you believe.

Domestic.
Ticked Off.
Domesticked Off.

They were enemies, like humans and chickens are today.

Hatred.
Edible.
Hatredible.

What I'm saying is, cavemen put dinosaurs in cages, tortured them, harvested their unborn young for omelettes, and the ones that grew up would get eaten out of buckets they got from the local KFD on the way home.*

Become.
Omelette.
Becomelette.


* In their car that runs on the power of the driver's feet. The Flinstones got that part right.

Which means despite the horribly unethical treatment of animals that they share with modern days, at least their technologies were running a lot greener than ours.

Retort.
Torture.
Retorture.

Legossip

Legos.
Gossip.
Legossip.

Spreading vicious rumors about Zack's status as a maniac.

Duplos.
Duplicity.
Duplosity.

Shavenge

Shaven.
Avenge.
Shavenge.

To get payback on a hairdresser who done you wrong.

Go get'em, lady!

Baldest.
Estrogen.
Baldestrogen.

Nostrillionaire

Nostril.
Trillionaire.
Nostrillionaire.

The technical title for whoever discovered and marketed cocaine.

Pretty innovative, really.
Before, no one had considered the nose as a viable entryway for fun.
Now, it's synonymous with partying.

Imagine what breakthroughs we'll see when a genius like this discovers the ear.

Cocaine.
Inner Ear.
Cocainner Ear.

Shindigression

Shindig.
Digression.
Shindigression.

When you get sidetracked from a party.

e.g. "Ooh, what's going on in this room? Me throwing up? Out a window? Fascinating! (Sorry, late-comers!)"

Defenestrate.
Stragglers.
Defenestragglers.

Seppukulele

Seppuku.*
Ukulele.
Seppukulele.

Music to kill yourself by, with honor.

Hari Kari.
Aria.
Hari Karia.

Or, music that causes you to kill yourself or others, honor notwithstanding.

Assassins.
Instrument.
Assassinstrument.


* Literally "stomach-cutting," which wouldn't necessarily mean death in today's terms.

It could just mean weight loss surgery, a more modern way to avoid shame.

Either way, it explains why "puke" is right in the middle.

Seppuku.
Upchuck.
Supchucku.

Though that might sound less like a vomitous ritual and more like a suppertime nunchuck.

As opposed to the midday weapon.

Lunch.
Nunchucks.
Lunchucks.

(See also Nunchuck E. Cheese.)

Tapestricentennial

Tapestry.
Tricentennial.
Tapestricentennial.

I wasn't sure the best word ending in "-try," to mark this 300th post.
So here is a collection representing the journey of possibilities that was traveled.

Entry: Come on in...
Carpentry: I constructed this for you
Artistry: with care and thought
Chemistry: to create a connection
Poetry: expressed only through words
Circuitry: typed into computers
Industry: created by large corporations
Idolatry: which society worships
Ministry: to the dismay of religion
Ancestry: which historically
Psychiatry: could use some help
Dentistry: with flossing
Bigotry: intolerance out of its being.
Toiletry: How did we end up here?

Happy 300, everyone, whether you like it or not!

Fun.
Unfun.
Funfun!

Lesbionic

Lesbian.
Bionic.
Lesbionic.

Half woman who loves women, half unfeeling robot who can love no one.

Woman.
Android.
Womandroid.

Or just a woman whose lesbian powers are electronically amplified.

Cyborg.
Orgy.
Cyborgy.

Amenstruation

Amen.
Menstruation.
Amenstruation.

PMS ends with a prayer.

To whomever.

Tampon.
Pontiff.
Tampontiff.

Rebutler

Rebut.
Butler.
Rebutler.

When he claims that he didn't do it.

Don't believe it, unless the butler in question is Alfred. *

Pennyworth.
Worthwhile.
Pennyworthwhile.


* Why anyone would ever want a butler, what with the abnormally high incidence rate of killers among them?

Evil.
Valet.
Evilet.

(See also Murderby.)

Auctionear-Sighted

Auctioneer.
Near-Sighted.
Auctionear-Sighted.

"Sold to the man in the first row, the only person I can see!"

Warlocksmith

Warlock.
Locksmith.
Warlocksmith.

Where a witch goes when they lose their keys.

You'd think they could just magic their way into their home, or do some sort of locating spell to find the keys, but sorry witches, magic isn't real. *

Unless you let Jesus into your heart.
Then Jesus will let you into your home. **

Heaven helps those who pray correctly.

Divine.
Intervention.
Divintervention.


* The silver lining of this--water won't make you melt.
Or you won't float on it.
Something about water...

Wet.
Witch.
Wetch.

...but it's not totally defined.
There hasn't been a clear decision made on Salem v. Oz.


** Or at least St. Anthony.
You don't have to go through all the bureaucracy of God or Jesus.
Know who to call. ***

Saint.
Anthony.
Sainthony.


*** Not the Ghostbusters, in this instance.
Unless you lost your keys in a puddle of protoplasm.
Then pray to Egon.

Slimer.
Miracle.
Slimiracle.

Corporathole

Corporate.
Rathole.
Corporathole.

I used to work in the cafe at a large bookstore.

Some mornings, the manager of the store would hold mandatory "rallies,"* which meant every available employee would have to gather round ye olde gathering-round place, and hear tales of corporate motivation.**

Smiles.
Lessons.
Smilessons.

I used to dread these meetings, until I realized how entertaining they could be, if I just viewed them as if they were intended to be satire of the corporate world, rather than the actual horrible corporate world.

e.g. The manager would say something like, "Sales last week were good, but this week they can be even better, if we just sell more!"
And I would think, "This guy is great! Better than Dilbert!"

Dilbert.
Better.
Dilbetter.

And this is a method that has served me well in life moving forward, and you can use it, too!

Any time someone seems unreasonable and you wonder "How can they be this way?" just shift that to "It's hilarious that they actually ARE this way," and your life is now full of fun, as long as they don't fire you or beat you up.

Satire.
Retribution.
Satiretribution.


* Like a pep rally, but where the manager sucks all the pep out of everyone else, instead of providing it.

Cheerleader.
Dearth.
Cheerleadearth.


** Like ghost stories of employees who didn't smile enough and were never heard from again.

Retail.
Tales from the Crypt.
Retails from the Crypt.

Caloryu

Calorie.
Ryu.
Caloryu.

The new streetfighter diet has you rid yourself of extra weight via fireball, getting you back into fighting shape faster than you can say "Hadouken!"
(Actually, exactly as fast as you can say it.)

Judo.
Doughy.
Judoughy.

Of course, the release of the fireball can be an efficient way to power up the barbecue and cook one's next meal...

Flames.
Mesquite.
Flamesquite.

... so it's important to balance your cheese intake against your chi output.
(And not just cheese, but also other fattening foods that don't sound similar, like chocolate, for example.)

Mocha.
Chakras.
Mochakras.

Cheshirate

Cheshire.
Irate.
Cheshirate.

A cat that disappears, leaving behind only an angry facial expression.

Kitten.
Tense.
Kittense.

Logicalzone

Logical.
Calzone.
Logicalzone.

Origin story: a reasonable person accidentally dropped a pizza upside-down on another pizza and decided not to cry over spilled dairy.

Mozzarella.
Relaxed.
Mozzarelaxed.

This person remained in the calm zone, subtracted the "m" from that phrase, and a new food was born.

Handy.
Denotation.
Handenotation.

(Better than calling it double upside-down pizza cake, or the Italian burrito.)

Burrito.
Italian.
Burritalian.

Origamicable

Origami.
Amicable.
Origamicable.

It's hard to imagine anyone folding paper in an aggressive, unfriendly mood.

Paper.
Personality.
Papersonality.

Unless you've created a thousand cranes and learned that you don't actually get a wish granted for eternal life.

Crane.
Anecdote.
Cranecdote.

But even then, the bad mood comes AFTER the folding.
During, it's all optimism.

Phooey.
Future.
Phooture.

Syllabeling

Syllable.
Labeling.
Syllabeling.

How many does the word "fire" have?
One? Two? One and a half?
(Sold! To the ineffective auctioneer!)

As a child, I always felt it seemed to take more than one, but not quite two.

Compromising.
Singed.
Compromisinged.

Does it depend on where you're from?
I grew up in the Northeast, pronouncing it with what, at times, seemed closer to two: "fie" plus "er."
And then heading further south, you might find people pronouncing it more like "far," which seemed closer to one syllable.

Geography.
Fire.
Geographire.

So, two in the North, one in the South?
Even though it might take a Southerner twice as long to pronounce that one syllable?

Fiery.*
Relaxation.
Fierelaxation.

The most important question: does an area's dialect affect how many people generally make it out of a burning building?

Blaze.
Lazy.
Blazy.

Though I imagine when it's literally "feet to the fire" time, people might end up shortening however many syllables it is down to just one letter: "F!" **

Pronounce.
An Ounce of Prevention.
Pronounce of Prevention.



* And what about "fiery"?
Two? Three? One and a half? (Sold! It's a recession sale! Everything must go, including making sense!)

Smoke.
Auction.
Smoction.


** Also, "run!" is definitely just one syllable.
A good bit of evolutionary linguistic luck.

(Humans using a twelve-syllable word for "run!" are long extinct.
Unfortunate, given the clear intellectual advantage that could have served them well if applied more appropriately.)

Irony.
Neanderthal.
Ironeanderthal.