APB&J

APB.
PB&J.
APB&J.

Wanted: sandwich, dead or alive.

Probably dead. Eating a living thing sounds weird.

Unless you're a vampire. Which also sounds weird.

Undead.
Edible.
Undedible.

Legallantry

Legal.
Gallantry.
Legallantry.

I once considered going to law school, because of how many legal TV shows I've enjoyed.*

(I especially like Boston Legal.)**

Legislative.
TV
LegislaTV.

It looked like fun, but I imagined there might be more to the law than just being smarmy and hilarious, so I ultimately decided against it.

Probably a good idea, considering I didn't even want to put in the minimal research needed to find out how much research would be involved in actually being a lawyer.

Unless you count reading John Grisham.

Dumbest.
Bestseller.
Dumbestseller.

Also, just because someone enjoys watching something, it doesn't necessarily follow that they'd enjoy DOING that something.

For example, I've also enjoyed Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Oz, and 24, but I don't want to fight vampires, be assaulted, OR torture even proven enemies of the state.***

Because I'm a pacifist, a coward, AND a liberal.

And there would probably be too much research involved.

Figures.
Research.
Figuresearch.


* Legal TV shows that may have been downloaded and watched illegally, ironically.

Pirated.
Attorneys.
Pirattorneys.


** Boston Legal episodes that may have been watched in Boston, non-ironically.

Has-Been.
Beantown.
Has-Beentown.


*** I might torture anti-American vampires that are assaulting me, if it comes to that.

Hypocrite.
Creative.
Hypocreative.

Jihaddock

Jihad.
Haddock.
Jihaddock.

A holy war against the Jesus fish.*

Salmon.
Monastery.
Salmonastery.

This time it's personal.

Flounder.
Underdog.
Flounderdog.

In what would be a steel cage match if the water wouldn't escape and drown everyone, so let's call it a glass aquarium match...

Trout.
Outgunned.
Troutgunned.

Mano-a-monotheism, in the holy waters.

Shark.
Archangel.
Sharchangel.

Religion vs. religion, ocean style.

Albacore.
Koran.
Albaocoran.

Pray to God that your God is the God you're praying to.
(Also pray to God that God listens to fish and can understand your fish language.)

Lamprey.
Prayers.
Lamprayers.

What are we even talking about anymore?

Fish would never engage in the hostilities involved in a holy war.
They've only got a 30-second memory, and how much of a grudge could you hold if you only remembered 30 seconds' worth of history?

Memory.
Moray.
Memoray.

Unless that 30-second rule is just for goldfish.
Perhaps larger fish have larger memories with larger grudge-holding capacities.
So, the fight is back on.

Loser sleeps with the fishes.

Winner sleeps with the other fishes.
In heaven.

Ichthyology.
Theology.
Ichtheology.


* Is the Jesus fish what eventually evolved into Jesus?
Crawling out of the ocean, or possibly crawling on top of the ocean, depending when that power kicked in.

Buoy.
Oy Vay.
Buoy Vay.

Or maybe Jesus always has the power to turn into a fish.
Like vampires and bats.

e.g. "Eat this, for it is my body, and it is brain food. Be careful of the mercury content."
and
"Drink this, for it is my blood, and you are Dracula."

Bible.
Bleeding.
Bibleeding.

Draculinary

Dracula.
Culinary.
Draculinary.

Cooking without garlic.

And with items that can't be purchased at the grocery store.

They can be acquired there, just not by purchasing. *
More by murdering or kidnapping.

Duress.
Recipe.
Durecipe.


* They can also be acquired anywhere else where people are.
Don't you see?
The food is people! It's made of people!

Soylent.**
Entrails.
Soylentrails.

And it's a cookbook! The cookbook is made of people!
He's eating the cookbook that's made of people!


** It always seemed strange that "Soylent" had the word "Soy" right in it, and yet wasn't a fake meat product.
What would you call the tofu substitute version of Soylent Green?

Edamame.
Maimed.
Edamaimed.

Machopsticks

Macho.
Chopsticks.
Machopsticks.

It's difficult to look tough while eating with chopsticks.

Not like eating with a knife and knife, where you can totally intimidate your food through aggressive posturing.

Confucius actually declared this the reason to use chopsticks--to avoid equating dining with anything violent.

Violent.
Lentils.
Violents.

Of course, being stabbed through the heart with a chopstick seems even more vicious than using a knife.

Which is why Confucius never got much backing from the vampire lobby.

Nor the environmental lobby, as an estimated 90 billion chopsticks are thrown away per year, which comes out to approximately 25 million full-grown trees, or who knows how many bonsai trees.
(Probably all of them.)

Sounds pretty aggressive to the trees.
And what non-violent tools are they using to cut down these trees?*

That is, however, only when chopsticks are made out of wood.
They can also be created from bronze or other metals, plastic, ivory, or bone.
(Depending what wedding anniversary you're on.)

Wooden.
Denied.
Woodenied.

Ivory or bone?
There we go, much less violent.
e.g. "Pronged utensils are too aggressive!
Now, let's take down that mammoth and use its tusks to make instruments of tranquility!
Also pull out its skeleton, that will also come in handy on our mission of peace!"

Which also brings up the question, what tools did they use to bring down such creatures and extract the bone and ivory?*

Weapon.
Pontification.
Weapontification.

It actually turns out that they only use the bones and ivory from VAMPIRE elephants.
And violence against the undead is universally accepted.
Even by Confucius and environmentalists.
By everyone.

(Everyone except the vampire lobby, of course.
But they couldn't make it to the meeting to voice their objections, as their elephant transport had gone missing.)



* Answer: martial arts, which is technically self-defense.
Totally acceptable.

Mirrorschach

Mirror.
Rorschach.
Mirrorschach.

Trying to find meaning in one's own reflection.*

e.g. "I see someone who is alone, confused, left-handed."

OR

"I see an ink blot."
"That's because your pen is leaking all over you."
"Oh man, I can't do anything right... hey, this is accurate."

OR

"I see emptiness."
"That's an open window, not a mirror."
"Phew. I didn't think I was empty. Now let's go watch American Idol."

OR

"I think I see a bat."
"That's why you're here. You are a crazy person who believes he is a bat."
"Right! I'm a bat, and you're Dr. Dolittle. That's how we can communicate."
"Let's communicate about how you could see your reflection, yet bats are blind."
"You must have cured me of my blindness! Now I am a super-powered bat! I will rule the bat world, for in the country of the blind, it is the magically-sighted bat that is king!"
"Um. Okay. Let's try this then...Magic Bat, you also have the power to take human form."
"Like a vampire?"
"Sure, like a vampire."
"But vampires can't see their reflections either."
"Hmm. Good point. So, you must be a super-powered vampire bat who has all the powers and abilities of a human. You are free to walk among them, but you must never reveal to them your secret."
"Thank you, Dr. Dolittle! You have provided me with a new purpose. I will infiltrate the human world and live as one of them. I will lie in wait for centuries, and then..."
"Good. I think we've made a lot of progress here. I'm retiring."
"Wait, one last thing--will a wooden stake to the heart still kill me?"
"Yes, a wooden stake to the heart is deadly to the human as well as the vampire. So even with your amazing human abilities, be careful."
"Toodles!"



* One of the reasons that vampires are solipsists.

Revamp.
Vampire.
Revampire.

Vampirates

Vampire.
Pirates.
Vampirates.

Use your imagination.
I'll help...

They would probably be pretty careful about making you walk a wooden plank.

And they'd eat a lot of blood oranges. (To avoid scurvy and thirst.)
Then they'd get upset when they learned that blood oranges don't have real blood in them.
(Just like bacon bits don't have real bacon in them. Or blood.)
Then they'd kill whoever misinformed them about the blood oranges, and drink THEIR blood.
And everyone would be happy. Except for that dead guy.

Your turn!