Debriss

Debris.
Briss.
Debriss.

The piece of waste that remains after a ceremonial circumcision.

Shalom.
Omission.
Shalomission.

You might also call it a "circumcised baby."

Infant.
Anti-Climactic.
Infanti-Climactic.

Guitarget

Guitar.
Target.
Guitarget.

The spot on the floor where rock stars aim to smash their instruments.

Mandolin.
Linoleum.
Mandolinoleum.

A process that was secretly put into being and encouraged by a covert conspiratorial cadre of instrument-makers, who then get more business as a result.

Wood breaking? Music to their ears.

Freemason.
Sonorousness.
Freemasonorousness.

Bootlegacy

Bootleg.
Legacy.
Bootlegacy.

Technology keeps changing the world.*

It used to be that you could either buy a band's albums or see them live.

Concert.
Certainty.
Concertainty.

Or, if you were super lucky, you might find a rare copy of a live show that someone managed to secretly record.

Fortune.
Unilateral.
Fortunilateral.

Today, that special feeling doesn't exist anymore, because with cellphone cameras and digital devices, every event can be captured, rendering none of them as special.

What's next?

Futuristic.
Sticky.
Futuristicky.

Soon, I presume that literally everything will have the capacity to record: eyeball implants, trees that are also cameras, government satellites that work (this last one is a stretch, I mean, something of the government WORKING? am I right? to make this tired joke?).

Computer.
Terrible.
Computerrible.

So all of life will be spontaneously uploading and downloading so that everyone can experience everything at any time.

Ubiquitous.
Tussle.
Ubiquitussle.

Right now, we've got the world wide web; this will be the web-wide world.
(Same abbreviation.)**

No one will have to get anything, because everyone will have everything. And nothing.***

We will all be as one.

Which is pretty zen.

An Asian philosophy, brought to us by Asian technology.

But don't forget about the contribution of good old-fashioned American stereotyping!

Yin Yang.
Angry.
Yin Yangry.


* And the world keeps changing technology.

Ooh.

Revolutionary.
Arithmetic.
Revolutionarithmetic.


** Also, by the way, the very worst abbreviation possible.
World, wide, and web are all one-syllable words.
"W" is the only THREE-syllable letter.
It actually takes three times as long to say "double-you double-you double-you" as it does to say "world wide web."

If I could have named it, I would have called it something like the "Earth high-speed network," because then that four-syllable phrase could be easily abbreviated with one syllable: "ehn."

Efficiency.
Seize the Day!
Efficienceize the Day!


*** Which means that Seinfeld's popularity will soar once again.

(Not that it ever dropped that far, but it may have been gliding at a lower altitude.)

Seinfeld.
Felled.
Seinfelled.

Expedietary

Expedite.
Dietary.
Expedietary.

A get-rich-quick scheme and a get-thin-quick scheme combined:

Stop buying food!

As religious groups say, abstinence is the only method that's 100%.

Starvin'.
Vindication.
Starvindication.

Nipplethora

Nipple.
Plethora.
Nipplethora.

More than two.

Quantity.
Titties.
Quantitties.

Manhattenacious

Manhattan.
Tenacious.
Manhattenacious.

If you can make it there, you'll make it anywhere.

But if you CAN'T make it there, you'll have to make do elsewhere.

That's the part Frank didn't sing to everyone.

Sinatra.
Tragedy.
Sinatragedy.

Decrepituitary

Decrepit.
Pituitary.
Decrepituitary.

A gland that has gotten too old and run-down to secrete hormones regulating homeostasis, including tropic hormones that stimulate other glands, according to Wikipedia.*

Octogenarian.
Endocrine.
Octogenariendocrine.


* Who needs school anymore!?

(Should the exclamation point go AFTER the question mark there, or does that look right?
I guess school is still necessary after all.)

Punctuated.
Education.
Punctuateducation.

Sam-I-Ambulance

Sam-I-Am.
Ambulance.
Sam-I-Ambulance.

Where that guy would have ended up if he had been bothering ME as much as he did in that book.

"Look! I keep telling you, I'm a VEGAN! I don't eat eggs OR ham!
(I do like 'green' though.)"

Which would lead to the irony wherein I would cause someone pain because they don't respect my lifestyle of not causing anyone pain.

Vegan.
Anxiety.
Veganxiety.

Bummerriage

Bummer.
Marriage.
Bummerriage.

You know the old joke, "A horse walks into a bar and is asked 'Why the long face?'"

Well, here's an adapation: "A man walks into a wedding and is asked 'Why the long face?' and he says, 'Because I'm in the bridle party.'"

Sequin.
Equine.
Sequine.

Here's the thing--I thought that the man in that joke would be me this weekend because I had been asked to be a groomsman in a good friend's wedding...

My position necessitated my arrival at 1pm for an affair that would not end until the next day began.

The actual wedding ceremony was to occur at 7pm, pictures were scheduled for between 4-6pm, and the photographer wasn't even going to arrive until 2pm. So, 1pm it was for the groomsmen!

Chronology.
Geez.
Chronologeez.

Sure, we did need a little time to change into our fancy duds*, especially when not accustomed to wearing such gear...

Tuxedo.
Don't.
Tuxedon't.

...but I couldn't imagine what would fill the hours called for by our itinerary.

I expected that just like the horse-man of the joke that started this post, the length of my face would correspond directly with the length of the day's preparations.

Centaur.
Torture.
Centorture.

But as it turned out, I was pleasantly mistaken.

While the groomsmen did indeed have to arrive super-early...

Super.
Early.
Supearly.

...we were immediately whisked away to the game room, where we were greeted by food, drink, pool, cards, shuffleboard, darts, music, etc.**

Merriment.
Entirely.
Merrimentirely.

And that's what ended up filling all those hours, as well as my stomach.
(I ate a lot of shuffleboard and darts that day.***)

Ultimately, the wedding was a complete success; nobody accidentally lost/dropped/swallowed the rings, nobody said the wrong name during the ceremony, etc.****

And my worries that the day would be a chore disappeared just like the illusion of an oasis does in the mind of a thirst-crazed desert-wanderer who ends up eating sand.*****

No bum marriage here.

Bummer.
Mirage.
Bummirage.


* "Duds" meaning "fancy clothes," and not "things that don't explode."
Though to be fair, our fancy clothes did not explode.

Cummerbund.
Bungled.
Cummerbungled.


** I threw in that "etc." to make it seem like there was more to that list, when in fact I believe I exhausted every item that could have been on it.

I can't lie to you.

Honesty.
Estimate.
Honestimate.


*** Sure, they might have tasted a bit gamy. Eh? Gamy? Eh?
(And yes, that joke might be a bit hard to swallow or stomach, but try comparing it to how you'd feel eating darts. About the same? Perfect.)

Wordplay.
Plate.
Wordplate.


**** Because the wedding didn't take place in a romantic comedy or a "Friends" episode.
This is real life, people.

Nuptial.
Allegedly.
Nuptiallegedly.


***** At least in Bugs Bunny cartoons.

Bunny.
Near-Death Experience.
Bunnear-Death Experience.

Pinoir

Pinot.
Noir.
Pinoir.

A quicker way to order wine, for the drunk on the go.

Wino.
Knowledge.
Winowledge.

R2Detour

R2D2.
Detour.
R2Detour.

Taking an alternate route because of a beeping droid in the way.

You beep back at first, but then notice that there's a reason for the delay.

Chewbacca.
Accident.
Chewbaccident.

There's an old guy directing traffic...

Obi-Wan.
One-Way.
Obi-Won-Way.

...by waving a big lit-up stick...

Light Sabre.
Breakdown Lane.
Light Sabreakdown Lane.

...but that still doesn't help your commute go any quicker.

Jedi.
Disaster.
Jedisaster.


(See also C3PO'ed.)

Newtiny

Newton.
Mutiny.
Newtiny.

An uprising against the rule of law of gravity.

"What goes up must come down" is going DOWN.

(Which it must, according to itself, because Newton brought it UP.)

Gravity.
Vitriol.
Gravitriol.

Swashbuckleptomaniac

Swashbuckle.
Kleptomaniac.
Swashbuckleptomaniac.

Someone who can't help but steal swords from pirates.

Which usually requires having a sword and excellent swashbuckling skills to begin with.

But how do you acquire those without already having a sword?

It's a bit of a double-edged sword.
(A double-edged sword that the klepto would first purchase, in order to avoid this circularity.)

Blade.
Adept.
Bladept.

Bidetente

Bidet.
Detente.
Bidetente.

A peace in the war on unclean nether regions.

Nether.
Hereabouts.
Nethereabouts.

Drinkling

Drink.
Inkling.
Drinkling.

Right between consciousness and blacking out, when you know you've had too much alcohol but are starting to forget everything including that.

Drunk.
Unconscious.
Drunconscious.

Possummation

Possum.
Summation.
Possummation.

Playing dead listening to a boring speech until the recap at the end.

Conked.
Conclusion.
Conkedclusion.

Disgustingy

Disgusting.
Stingy.
Disgustingy.

I've kept a couple blog ideas to myself in the past, not sharing them because they might have been a little gross or not exactly what I wanted to put forth here, but I decided to be open and honest and uncensored about them, so you're welcome or I'm sorry.

Bulimia.
Emaciated.
Bulimaciated.

Fairly self-explanatory, not too bad.

Barfing.
Fingers.
Barfingers.

A little worse?

Just one more...

Clandestine.
Stink.
Clandestink.

A silent fart.

(I don't even think that one's particularly hard to handle, but it's more just the fact that it's a fart joke that I'm ashamed of. Can one be creative with this bodily function? Carlin certainly discussed it at great length over his critically acclaimed career. Not that I'm saying my fart jokes are on par with his fart jokes. But at least a standard exists, perhaps.)

Fart.
Artsy.
Fartsy.

Nonsensus

Nonsense.
Census.
Nonsensus.

A good friend of mine who does improv comedy is working for the 2010 census.

The job is to locate places that people live and find out who they are, and his comedic training really helps out.

He just wanders the streets asking for non-geographical locations.

Then when he finds people, he asks them for their relationship.

Also, he acquired the job by going into the census office and saying "Give me an occupation!"

Whim.
Improv.
Whimprov.

Towelt

Towel.
Welt.
Towelt.

A bruise resulting from rat-tailing.

Rodent.
Dented.
Rodented.

Albump

Album.
Bump.
Albump.

Just a reminder that I will be recording my comedy CD at a live comedy show at Comix TONIGHT, Monday, May 18 at 8pm.

Comedy.
Dynamite!
Comedynamite!


See also Comedification.

Alaskannie

Alaskan.
Annie.
Alaskannie.

A musical featuring the hit song, "The sun'll come out... in August."

Solar.
Aria.
Solaria.

Yogre

Yoga.
Ogre.
Yogre.

A big oaf who smells up the studio, to the point where you want to commit pre-meditated murder.

Or post-meditated murder.

Shrek.
Reckoning.
Shreckoning.

Prompetition

Prom.
Competition.
Prompetition.

Last night I did my second 3:30am after-prom comedy show.
(You might call it my sophomore prom performance, if I only do four and each represents a year of high school.
But why would you or I do this or that?*)

Sophomore.
Moratorium.
Sophomoratorium.

This one was definitely better than the first one I did.
(Which wouldn't have taken much, but actually did give lots more than much.**)

Extra.
Transaction.
Extransaction.

So, future me is winning the war against past me.
(Where the battleground is a minefield of potentially unhappy students who could explode at any moment. Or fall asleep.)

Sleepy.
Epic.
Sleepic.

And that's the way you want it...
When your future fights your past, you want the future to kick ass.
(It's a rhyme that sounds logical, so it MUST be true.)

Logic.
Iconic.
Logiconic.


* I know, I'm the one that brought it up.
(It's what I do. Bring things up and then smash them down.)

Hypocrite.
Ritual.
Hypocritual.


** Make sense much?
What I'm saying is, the show was good.
(Way better than my conveying of this message, in fact.)

Sensible.
Bleary.
Sensibleary.


(See also Promenada.)

Hippiety

Hippie.
Piety.
Hippiety.

Yesterday in Central Park, I was playing frisbee and hackysack with some friends, and an Orthodox Jew happened upon us.

He asked us if we were Jewish, and when he found out who among us was, he offered Sabbath candles and blessings and asked if we wanted to pray with him.

Which I think demonstrates a difference between particularly religious Jews and particularly religious folks of other faiths--non-Jews often go out preaching and trying to convert others, while Jews will simply try to convert their own.

Jew.
Jehovah's Witnesses.
Jewhovah's Witnesses.*


* As in...

Knock knock.
Jews there.

Jew.
Jew who?

Jewhovah.

Zombifido

Zombified.
Fido.
Zombifido.

An even scarier Cujo, back from the dead.

Canine.
Inescapable.
Caninescapable.

Breakfasthma

Breakfast.
Asthma.
Breakfasthma.

The most important breathing problem of the day.

Emphysema.
Meal.
Emphysemeal.

Sorrizona

Sorry.
Arizona.
Sorrizona.

I went on ABC News Now earlier today. So not now anymore. Before. I went on ABC News Now before. Understand?

They asked me about ASU's decision not to give Obama an honorary degree, and how I felt about it, because he seemed fine with it.

My girlfriend is actually from Arizona and, in preparation for my appearance (before Now, or before then, if you will), told me that Arizona was one of the last states to recognize MLK's birthday as a holiday, and then only because they were afraid they couldn't have the Superbowl if they didn't.

That said, she pointed out that it's difficult to get an honorary degree if you don't have any honor.

So, she said that before Now, so that I could say it on Now, and now that it's later (after Now), I just wanted to clear something up, because the person interviewing me said "ouch" and apologized to their Arizona listeners.

And I wanted to apologize for a couple things:

1) For saying on air "no offense," because that's lame.
2) For NOT saying on air that this point had come from a smart person FROM Arizona.
3) For not having a third thing to apologize for.
4) For creating a paradox that may destroy the universe but hasn't yet, it seems.

That's all.

ASU.
Sucka.
A SUcka.

(Seriously, no offense.)

Bathero

Bathe.
Hero.
Bathero.

Once as a kid, I went to bathe and forgot to take my shirt off first.

And it was a Superman shirt, which basically amplified how NOT super I was being.

Though in fairness, Superman's powers DID develop one at a time...
Flying came last, preceded by heat and X-ray vision, which appeared in turn after super speed, strength, and intelligence necessary to get undressed fully before bathing.

Shampoo.
Powers.
Shampowers.

Insomnivore

Insomnia.
Omnivore.
Insomnivore.

Someone who stays up all night eating everything.

Bed.
Edible.
Bedible.

Which might explain difficulty sleeping, if you've eaten your bed.

(Though that wouldn't cover why it kept you up the first night BEFORE you ate it.)

Stalemate.
Mattress.
Stalemattress.

Ethiccups

Ethics.
Hiccups.
Ethiccups.

If a blessing is the right way to respond to a sneeze, what's the right response for the hiccups?

Answer: a scaring.

So, a spooky blessing should cover any bodily function.

Cue the holy ghost.

Pray.
Wraith.
Praith.


(See also Sasquachoo.)

Ashleep

Asleep.
Sheep.
Ashleep.

What do these guys count when they have insomnia?

Each other?

What if they don't have any sheep friends, no one they can count (on), and that's what's keeping them up at night?

Ewe.
Awake.
Ewake.

ToFu Manchu

Tofu.
Fu Manchu.
ToFu Manchu.

A fake mustache made of soy.

(As opposed to mutton chops, say.)

Meat.
Mustache.
Meatstache.

Stenchanted

Stench.
Enchanted.
Stenchanted.

Love at first scent.

Which is what love at first sight REALLY consists of, pheromone-style.

Aroma.
Romance.
Aromance.


(See also Catastropheromone.)

Tobaccolades

Tobacco.
Accolades.
Tobaccolades.

I just read that of adolescents who try cigarettes, only one-third of them go on to become regular smokers.

Which makes sense*, given that a synonym for that age group makes up only one-third of the name of tobacco's addictive agent.**

Nicotine.
Teenager.
Nicoteenager.


* It makes sense if language correlates to reality in random ways, that is.

Arbitrary.
Rarity.
Arbitrarity.

** Syllabically, that is.

Spelling-wise, it makes up half.

But most people care more about speaking than writing, right? (He asked, in writing.)

Bore.
Orthography.
Borethography.

Molestrogen

Molest.
Estrogen.
Molestrogen.

Statistics show that there are fewer female pedophiles than males.

And not just because women aren't allowed to become priests.

Female.
Alleluia.
Femalleluia.

And I don't mean to rub salt in any stigmata with tired Catholic jokes.
(See? New twist!)

I know they've been beaten to death, but the church is usually the first one to support the idea of things coming back from the dead.

Zombie.
Bee's Knees.
Zombie's Knees.

What if Jesus rose from the grave and told the Pope he's fired (for sexist hiring practices, if not the pedophile scandals)?

Vatican.
Canned.
Vaticanned.

Or at least if he could return to create a porn magazine that religious folks could use as a substitute for the real wronging of women and children.

Repent.
Penthouse.
Repenthouse.


(See also Religionesty.)

Gastrickery

Gastric.
Trickery.
Gastrickery.

Bypass surgery convinces stomachs that they don't need as much food.

Stomach.
Magic.
Stomagic.

Like pulling a rabbit out of a hat.

Or more like pulling a hunger out of the body.

Both, if the person used to eat a lot of rabbits.

Bunny.
Eaten.
Bunneaten.

Watermelongevity

Watermelon.
Longevity.
Watermelongevity.

A working title for Gallagher's autobiography.

His life, in a nutshell.

Or in a melon rind.

Canteloupe.
Open-Minded.
Cantelopen-Minded.

Handbasketchy

Handbasket.
Sketchy.
Handbasketchy.

Details are hazy as to why this is a means of traveling to hell.

Hades.
Destination.
Hadestination.

Even less information is available as to what sort of basket one takes to get to heaven, or if baskets are involved at all.

Heaven.
Eventual.
Heaventual.

If baskets ARE involved, then obviously split up your eggs between the hell-bound basket and the heaven-bound one.

Segregate.
Eggs.
Eggregate.

Because while all DOGS may go to heaven*, all unborn chickens apparently do not.

Omelet.
Letdown.
Omeletdown.


* Actually untrue.
At least one dog definitively does not go to heaven: Cerberus, guard of the gates of hell.

Canine.
Nein!
Canein!

Tofunny

Tofu.
Funny.
Tofunny.

This was the name of the first all-vegan comedy show that took place in Somerville, MA this weekend as part of the AltCom Festival.

Alternative.
Nativity.
Alternativity.*

Thanks to everyone for coming out, and especially for not asking how to pronounce the name of the show out loud (as it's a combo that can really fall apart when not written).

Phonetic.
Etiquette.
Phonetiquette.


* Not that this festival had anything to do with the birth of Jesus (that I know of), but an alternate version of the nativity scene would be one that DIDN'T involve Jesus, just like this festival mostly didn't (that I know of).

Jesus.
Useless.
Jesuseless.

Also, while "AltCom" may be a fine combination, it doesn't quite abide our rules.

Alternative
Comedy.
AltCom.

Neptunafish

Neptune.
Tunafish.
Neptunafish.

God of the chicken of the sea.

Omnipotent.
Poultry.
Omnipoultrent.

Which came first, the chicken or the god?

The god, I'd imagine.

Not the chicken who probably can't even imagine the god.

B'gok!
God.
B'God!

Unless the fact that the god is imagined means it never came at all.

You win again, chicken. You win again.

(And you weren't even IN this fight. It was tuna's battle, remember?)

Fish.
Shy.
Fishy.


(See also Pacifiction.)

Garafaloha

Garafalo.
Aloha.
Garafaloha.

I met Janeane last night.

She was very nice, even though I did not open with a combination of her last name and a Hawaiian greeting.

(Maybe BECAUSE I did not open with a combination of her last name and a Hawaiian greeting.)

I know how to live life in the real world, people.

I can make reasonable and appropriate choices between different options.

Janeane.
Eeny Meeny Miney Moe.
Janeeny Meeny Miney Moe.

Militarrying

Military.
Tarrying.
Militarrying.

I heard a guy say he wanted the troops coming home in one piece.

I'd rather they come home in as many pieces as there are troops.

Not just one piece, like one big ball of troop, or even an unstoppable force made of all the troops combined.

Voltron.
Troop.
Voltroop.

Hungovery

Hungover.
Very.
Hungovery.

If I were, I wouldn't have the wherewithal to write this.

(I wouldn't even have the wherewithal to come up with the word "wherewithal.")

Wherewithal.
Hallelujah.
Wherewithallelujah.

I've only been VERY hungover twice in my life, because after the first time, I swore I would never let it happen again, it was so horrible.

Then I forgot, hence the second time.

Forgetful.
Foolish.
Forgetfoolish.

Did you know, Savannah is one of the few places in the country where you can take a to-go cup of alcohol outside of a bar, legally?

I should have taken advantage of that law.

Because that would have taken me AWAY from the bar and its free drinks which would lead to the ultimate battle the next morning between my brain and my stomach, a painful battle over whether more fluids should be allowed in to replenish those lost (the brain's desire, in order to diminish the pain) or whether no fluid should ever be allowed to enter the body and stay there again (the stomach's desire, as it had been burned by certain fluids the night before).

Fluid.
Idiot.
Fluidiot.

So, let this be a lesson to you. Or to me, at least.

If you swear never to do something ever again, remember that you swore not to do it.

Especially if the the thing that you swore not to do is the sort of thing that would attack your capacity to remember even more in the future.

Memory.
Moratorium.
Memoratorium.

Derogatorah

Derogatory.
Torah.
Derogatorah.

The books of the Bible written by your stereotypical Jewish mother that tell you how you never write or call enough.

Parental.
Talmud.
Parentalmud.

Robat Mitzvah

Robot.
Bat Mitzvah.
Robat Mitzvah.

The day a female robot becomes a man.

Tron.
Transexual.
Tronsexual.


(See also Babar Mitzvah.)

Grownuptials

Grownup.
Nuptials.
Grownuptials.

Some cultures have people getting engaged when they're children.

What must it be like to picture a wedding so young?

Probably they imagine someone like He-Man officiating it.

e.g. "By the power (of Grayskull) invested in me, I now pronounce you man* and cooties-haver."

Marriages.
Gist.
Marriagist.


* Why pronounce the man "man"? Isn't that what he is already?
Is it He-Man's fault? Did he-he start it?
Did someone pronounce him "He" and "Man"?
No man is an island, sure, but a He-Man might be a happening peninsula.

Happening.
Peninsula.
Happeninsula.

Or perhaps the LADY doth protest too much.

Scramble the letters in He-Man and you get "Me? Nah."

Does this mean anything? Probably not. But what DOES mean anything?

Orthography.
Feelings.
Orthographeelings.

Creditched

Credit.
Ditched.
Creditched.

I lost my Amazon Visa card tonight.

I believe I left it at a restaurant, but just in case it was actually stolen by a criminal who was too lazy to use it immediately, I had the credit card company put it on temporary hold.

So, sorry, vegetarian establishment where I left the card--you can't start funding new tofu technologies on MY dime*, try some OTHER business model.

(Maybe the one you were already using that seems to be thriving--charging large amounts of money for small amounts of food.)

Vegan.
Entrepeneur.
Vegentrepeneur.

I wonder though, if I hadn't put the card on hold, and someone had run up loads of charges on MY quarter**, would I be able to cash in the Amazon gift credits that ensued before claiming (legitimately) that I wasn't responsible?

It wouldn't be the first time I got something for nothing from Amazon, but that's a story for another day (after the statute of limitations has expired--talk to you guys in seven years, or however many the real number is***).

Amazon.
Exonerated.
Amazonerated.


* Not my actual credit limit. I'm doing pretty well.

Switcheroo.
Roosevelt.
Switcheroosevelt.


** Also not my actual credit limit. But closer.

Washington.
Tonnage.
Washingtonnage.


*** If there IS a real number... because maybe there's no crime at all, just artistic license.

Or maybe there's an astute artistic criminal that you can learn from, if you know the right questions not to ask (until the right time).

Statute.
Tutelage.
Statutelage.

Cinnaminfluence

Cinnamon.
Influence.
Cinnaminfluence.

Something that you can detect in the flavor of certain pastries.

Baker.
Aroma.
Bakeroma.

Pregnantics

Pregnant.
Antics.
Pregnantics.

Once upon a time, I broke up with a girl and she cried.

A week later, she came to me and told me that she was as pregnant as her eyes had been with tears the week before. *

Uterus.
Irises.
Utirises.

So the breakup was put on hold, while we planned for the birth...
the birth of our futures on the day that pregnancy would be ended, of course.

This was not a decision made lightly.
This girl was a practicing Catholic; she practiced nearly every part of the faith and was great at almost all of it.

So she came to a decision that I supported (I am pro-woman).

Preparing.
Ringleader.
Preparingleader.

But the day before that decision was to come to fruition (or was to undo a previous coming to fruition), something happened.

She told me that she fell down the stairs, went to the doctor, and found out that she was no longer pregnant.

So, the something that happened was actually either three things (stairs, doctor, finding), OR one different thing: she lied to me.

I didn't realize it at the time, because I was a trusting human being, but the timing of it all seems in hindsight to be MIGHTY convenient.

Timing.
Ingenious.
Timingenious.

Plus, I might have been ignoring other signs, such as her asking questions like "Does this fake pregnancy make me look fat?"

Obese.
OB-GYN.
OBese-GYN.

I've heard that sometimes couples will have a baby to keep their relationship alive. But apparently, that only works when the baby is alive, too. And real. (And also this doesn't work.)

So we broke up again. And this time the breakup was as real as the baby wasn't. And everyone who was alive lived happily ever after.

Fairy Tale.
Retelling.
Fair Retelling.


* She didn't put it that way. I'm sure hers was more poetic.

Sub-Par.
Paraphrase.
Sub-Paraphrase.

Pancreassurance

Pancreas.
Reassurance.
Pancreassurance.

"Your neighbor will be just fine, Mr. Gallbladder...
But next time, just think more about how much bile you're spewing."

Anthropomorphic.
Organs.
Anthropomorgans.

Stigmatari

Stigmata.
Atari.
Stigmatari.

A video game so awesome you play it until you bleed from the crucifixion wounds.

Sorry, Sega Genesis, you're not the only system with a biblical name now.

Psalm.
Palm Pilot.
Psalm Pilot.

Wallettuce

Wallet.
Lettuce.
Wallettuce.

Money.

(Especially for a vegan.)

Dispatched.
Cheddar.
Dispatcheddar.

Colonoscopycat

Colonoscopy.
Copycat.
Colonoscopycat.

A procedure very similar to a colonoscopy, but not quite.

Be careful out there.

Or in there.

(I would have left that last line out, but I'm sure that only would have encouraged people to insert their own joke, then make their own jokes about insertion, and I wanted to shoulder all of the responsibility here for this entire atrocity, including additional jokes about the "shoulder" not being the body part in question. See? I let no one else be the butt of any jokes; I take it all on, with this comedy dying for all of your sins.)

Proctology.
Jesus.
Proctologesus.

Turtelepathy

Turtle.
Telepathy.
Turtelepathy.

Reading minds, but very slowly.

Possibly to the point where it might be more effective just to listen to what someone is saying.

Especially if it's the person you're in a relationship with, who's sick of you listening to what they THINK instead of what they SAY.

Precognition.
Nitpicking.
Precognitpicking.

Memoirresponsible

Memoir.
Irresponsible.
Memoirresponsible.

I never read autobiographies, because they're a rip-off.

They purport to be an account of a person's life, but it's never the person's WHOLE life, because after they finish writing it, they keep living longer and do more stuff.

And it seems unreasonable for an autobiography to require a sequel.
(Except in situations of someone who remembers past lives.)

Reincarnation.
National Bestseller.
Reincarnational Bestseller.

So, I would read an autobiography under only two conditions:

1) The author promises never to do anything interesting after the book is finished.

2) The author kills themself right as they finish.

Option two seems the purest, most trustworthy way to guarantee that you're getting the whole story.

(Unless there is an afterlife, in which case I would hope that the author's ghost writer would provide the necessary details after the fact.)

Superimposed.
Posthumously.
Superimposthumously.

JPEGasus

JPEG.
Pegasus.
JPEGasus.

Picture of a flying horse.

Probably photo-shopped.

Or a mislabeled shot of a FALLING horse, which looks similar to a flying horse for a brief period.

Adobe.
Obituary.
Adobituary.

Entanglementanglementanglement

Entanglement.
Entanglement.
Entanglement.
Entanglementanglementanglement.

A tough one to get out of.

Complex.
Extraction.
Complextraction.

(See also Recursivery.)

Ambulancelot

Ambulance.
Lancelot.
Ambulancelot.

The modern-day equivalent of a knight in shining armor that might not protect you BEFORE you get hurt, but helps out after the fact.

My hERo.

Macho.
Hospital.
Machospital.

Hardcoverboard

Hardcover.
Overboard.
Hardcoverboard.

When a book is first released as a hardback, that uses much more paper than if it were released initially as a softcover.

Then, even more paper is wasted when the paperback comes out.

If I have my way, I will turn the literary world upside-down by releasing the smaller, softer, more environmentally friendly version of books right away.

THEN, if people really hate the environment, they can special-order extra-large hard-backed versions of the book a year later.
(If you hate, you have to wait. That will be this program's catchphrase.)

Paperback.
Backwards.
Paperbackwards.

Hearsayonara

Hearsay.
Sayonara.
Hearsayonara.

Gossip of an unverified good-bye.

Rumor.
Arrivederci.
Rumorrivederci.

Pentagrammar

Pentagram.
Grammar.
Pentagrammar.

If you want to summon the devil, it's important to chant the incantation correctly.

That's why so many educated people end up going to hell.

PHD.
Hades.
PHaDes.

Upchuckle

Upchuck.
Chuckle.
Upchuckle.

Laughing until you vomit.

Gagging.
Giggling.
Gaggiggling.

Promenada

Promenade.
Nada.
Promenada.

At 3am today, I performed for a comedy club full of kids who had just come from their high school proms. Exciting!

Dance.
Antsy.
Dantsy.

You see, comedy clubs provide an important service: preventing underage drinking and providing a late-night venue for these kids that is not a hotel room.

Marriott.
Riotous.
Marriottous.

Because teenagers having sex is usually just a last resort activity, after all possible comedy options have been exhausted, when they just end up settling for some wacky bedroom antics which follow the less hilarious opening act of the hotel staff.*

Bellhop.
Hopeless.
Bellhopeless.

So I did my duty today in the fight against teen pregnancy.

Unless you count my impregnating them with a laughter fetus that incubated immediately and repeatedly.

Talk about hysterical pregnancies. (Boom.)

Guffaw.
Awesome.
Guffawesome.


* Hotel "staff" not at all intended to be a play on words that could imply the hotel staff are being inappropriate with the children.

Unless there are hotels running secret child sex rings (then pun coincidentally intended).

Brothel.
Hilton.
Brothilton.

Cerebellumberjack

Cerebellum.
Lumberjack.
Cerebellumberjack.

A guy who uses his head to chop down trees.

Bunyan.
Analysis.
Bunyanalysis.

Marathong

Marathon.
Thong.
Marathong.

Poor choice of garment for a race that long.

Underwear.
Weary.
Underweary.

Nevadamant

Nevada.
Adamant.
Nevadamant.

The governor there has vowed to veto domestic partnership legislation.

I vow to veto that governor. (If that means anything.)

Veto.
Tool.
Vetool.

Nymphomercial

Nympho.
Infomercial.
Nymphomercial.

The kind of ad they run really late at night.

(Generally geared towards people who are up and busy not being in a relationship.)

Advertising.
Single.
Advertisingle.

Chlamydiamonds

Chlamydia.
Diamonds.
Chlamydiamonds.

NOT a girl's best friend.

(Nor man's best friend. That's a dog.
Ideally a dog with no STDs either.)

Canine.
Infected.
Caninfected.