Cryogenixon

Cryogenics.
Nixon.
Cryogenixon.

What if Tricky Dick wasn't really dead, but just frozen?

That would be really tricky.

However, if you're really tricky, 1) you don't put "tricky" in your nickname, that gives it away, and 2) you don't get caught stealing.

My Country 'Tis of Thee.
Thievery.
My Country 'Tis of Thievery.

Impedimentadent

Impediment.
Mentadent.
Impedimentadent.

Something that gets in the way of brushing your teeth.

e.g. Having a distrust of the electric toothbrush.

I mean, I like using a chair just fine, but some things don't improve when you add "electric."

(Like, the slide.)

Electric.
Rickety.
Electrickety.

Anagrampa

Anagram.
Grampa.
Anagrampa.

A scrambled-up old man.

Doesn't even spell "grandpa" correctly.

Spelling.
Ingorrect.
Spellingorrect.

Dryce

Dry.
Ice.
Dryce.

If you ever need to refer to solid carbon dioxide even faster than normal.

CO2.
Too Slow.
CO200 Slow.

Tomatom

Tomato.
Atom.
Tomatom.

The smallest component into which this fruit can be broken down.

Also known as a "to-mah-tom."

(But that might involve calling the whole thing off.)

Ketchup.
Uppity.
Ketchuppity.

Darwinners

Darwin.
Winners.
Darwinners.

We got the opposable thumbs, the ability to use language, AND we don't throw our poo* (even though we CAN pick it up with our opposable thumbs).

Evolution champions!

Evolve.
Velocity.
Evolvelocity.



* Unless we really want to.

Excrement.
Mentality.
Excrementality.

Cartuna

Cartoon.
Tuna.
Cartuna.

Shouldn't more animated characters be vegetarians?

There are so many anthropomorphized talking animals out there, and they're just chomping away at NON-anthropomorphized animals like it's normal.

Normal.
Malnutrition.
Normalnutrition.

You might argue no, because it's the natural order of things for animals to eat each other in the wild (e.g. fish do feed on other fish without being called cannibals), so why not eat them in the non-wild, especially when they're wearing pants like a human?

Wardrobe.
Obituary.
Wardrobituary.

Fair point, but that doesn't explain Mickey Mouse eating a steak.
(Mice are not predators of cows in the natural order of things.
But maybe talking mouse in shorts IS predator of cartoon cow.
Or just that Disney is a predator of everything.)

Jeopardize.
Disney.
Jeopardisney.

Abracadabrasive

Abracadabra.
Abrasive.
Abracadabrasive.

When a genie in a lamp rubs you the wrong way.

Perhaps because you rubbed IT the wrong way.

Which leads to YOU having to grant IT* three wishes.

Dodgy.
Genie.
Dodgenie.


* I used the word "it" instead of "him," choosing to be un-PC against the genie community, as opposed to the sexist option, or the awkwardness of "him or her," because a genie could certainly be either gender, and there's no way a glass ceiling could keep a genie from magicking right through it.

Gender.
Derogatory.
Genderogatory.

Pillowl

Pillow.
Owl.
Pillowl.

A really soft bird.

You can't sleep on it though, because it's awake all night.

(It's a nocturnal cushion.)

Shh.
Hoot.
Shhoot.

Patriarchenemy

Patriarch.
Archenemy.
Patriarchenemy.

To some, another word for father.*
(Not me! Happy Fathers' Day!)

Holiday.
Dad.
Holidad.

I had breakfast with my father for Fathers' Day today, and then lunch with my mother for her birthday tomorrow.**

Family.
Eating.
Famileating.

At lunch, a friend of my grandmother's told me about how he orders a tuna sandwich when he's out at restaurants.

First, he asks if the tuna is fresh, and they say "Of course."

Then, he tells them he actually prefers it if it's three or four days old, do they have any of that around?

If they say, "No, only fresh tuna," he says, "All right, I can deal with that."

If they say, "Yes, we have some of that," he says, "I'll have the egg salad."

Chicken.
Kinship.
Chickinship.


* To others, another word for matriarch?

Maternal.
Alright.
Maternalright.


** Her birthday is tomorrow, but we had lunch for it today.

I was not reporting on future events.

Those are secrets.

Chronology.
Conspiracy.
Chronspiracy.

Gandolfinished

Gandolfini.
Finished.
Gandolfinished.

Is he? Haven't seen him around much since The Sopranos ended.

Mafia.
Finale.
Mafinale.

But a glance at his IMDB page says he's still doing fine, working regularly.

Cinema.
Manifold.
Cinemanifold.

Also, the most of his name sounds like he's a wizard from Lord of the Rings, so perhaps it's magic that's sustaining him, as the Italian Gandalf.

Ad Hoc.
Hocus Pocus.
Ad Hocus Pocus.

Feedbaction

Feedback.
Action.
Feedbaction.

Things have been going well since I stopped teetering on the brink of Twitter and fell/jumped into it.

Twitter.
Teetering.
Tweetering.

For example, comedian Justin Morgan (@JMorgComedy) had this to say at/about/to/[insert other relevant or irrelevant prepositions] me and my aforementioned Twitter:

"by far and away the best tweets on the twitter"

and

"the man is a genius, one of my favorite comics, an all around delight & the funniest tweets on twitter."

So nice he said it twice.*
And got me to use that "so nice he said it twice" phrase, which makes me feel dirty like lice.

See? I can rhyme, too!

AND, I can stop rhyming. (You're welcome for at least one of those.)

And thanks, Mr. Morgan!

To close out this post, here's a word combo that DOESN'T apply to this fine gentleman's generosity:

Justin.
Stingy.
Justingy.


* And with slightly different phrasing, so it's clear it wasn't just cut and pasted.
He THOUGHT it twice, and he TYPED it twice.
Nice.

Rhymes.
Messenger.
Rhymessenger.

Millmore

Millard.
Fillmore.
Millmore.

We already spend so little time talking about this guy.

Why not cut down even more?

Two syllables for the price of three!

Unimpress.
President.
Unimpresident.

Awolrus

AWOL.
Walrus.
Awolrus.

When a sea creature runs away from its responsibilities.

Free Willy.
Willy-Nilly.
Free Willy-Nilly.

Imagindeed

Imagined.
Indeed.
Imagindeed.

Last night, man named Imagine hosted the comedy show that I performed on.

I don't know if the name is perfect or the opposite, because I couldn't have imagined anyone like him.

Fantasies.
Seize the Day.
Fantaseize the Day.

Nintendonitis

Nintendo.
Tendonitis.
Nintendonitis.

Medical condition caused by too much gaming.

Atari.
Arrhythmia.
Atarrhythmia.

Siloathing

Silo.
Loathing.
Siloathing.

There exist stores of food that are being wasted while some people are wasting away, or at least wasting down to a smaller waist size.

Dietary.
Terrible.
Dietarrible.

Passwordinary

Password.
Ordinary.
Passwordinary.

How many people do you think have considered using "password" as a password?

One less now. Not me anymore. Too predictable. Plus I just told you.*

So now I'm using the password "you'll never guess."

Security.
Teehee.
Securiteehee.


* Aha, you have fallen for my trick so my password can be "password" again.

Secret.
Retarded.
Secretarded.

Vehiclearance

Vehicle.
Clearance.
Vehiclearance.

Yesterday, I went to where I had parked my car to find that my car wasn't parked there.

That's one of the worst feelings there is.

Sadness.
Especially.
Sadnespecially.

Other than suicidality, non-suicidal yet severe psychological depression, less severe but still habitual fairly debilitating depression, stubbing your toe really hard, and probably some others I'm not thinking of right now... Add your own!
(Either in your own head, in the comments section, or both!
And if you can do it in the comments section without doing it in your own head, bravo.)

Mental.
Talking.
Mentalking.

My car had been parked legally, so I called 311 (the information line, not the defunct band).

311 is just like 411 information, but only for a specific type of information. Which makes sense, because it's 100 less than 411.
(So if you have an emergency but you don't want as much help as possible, call 811.)

Emergency.
See Ya?
Emergencee Ya?

311 told me that they had no record of my car being towed.
Normally that's good news, to hear that your car hasn't been towed.
But when your car is gone, it's slightly more not good news.

I now found myself praying that my car HAD been towed, and there was just no record of it yet. (Some sort of vigilante cop towing but not doing the paperwork? A citizen tow-er?*

Vigilante.
Antidote.
Vigilantidote.

Long story (told by a) short (person):

After several more calls to 311, being connected to the ninth precinct of Manhattan which had jurisdiction over the region from which my car went missing, being disconnected from the ninth precinct, walking to the wrong location of the ninth precinct given to me by cops from another precinct while trying to get the ninth precinct back on the phone, eventually reaching them on the phone before I reached the wrong location of the ninth precinct and having a ninth precinct cop tell me the best thing to do would be to go back to where the car went missing from and call 911 and wait, meeting the 911 cops when they finally showed up and learning they were from the ninth precinct, those cops told me to meet them back at the CORRECT location of the ninth precinct.

That's where they said they could check lists of cars that had been moved (but not officially towed--vigilante cops, I was right! but there were lists, so official vigilante cops).

It turned out there had been a street fair in between when I parked and yesterday, and there had been no signs posted about it, so the cops just moved my car down a long block and around the corner.

Did you know they do that? They can just move your car. And you don't have to pay to get it out of a lot or anything, and it wasn't stolen; you just find it nearby and drive it away. Fascists!**

So all's well that started crappy.

Failures.
Resolution.
Failuresolution.


* Pronounced toe-er. Not like the word that follows "Eiffel."
(Though perhaps the citizen tow-er would bring the car to his tall citadel of unofficial justice, the Citizen Tower.
Which is the renamed Eiffel Tower which has been commandeered for this purpose.)

Eiffel.
Felony.
Eiffelony.


** Is that the definition of fascism? It's cool to say cops are fascists, right? Even when they eventually help you?

My apologies. Hooray, cops! Also, I didn't see any of them eating any donuts. Not really fascist, not many donuts... we're breaking down cop stereotypes left and right! If only I was a different race that is usually mistreated by the law, then this prejudice-dismantling trifecta would be complete.

Gallantry.
Trifecta.
Gallantrifecta.

Sundaeneid

Sundae.
Aeneid.
Sundaeneid.

It's a dessert that is written poetic in some kind of meter called
"Dactylic hexa-" like this for example with cherries on top for y'all.

Virgil.
Gelatinous.
Virgelatinous.

Plutopia

Pluto.
Utopia.
Plutopia.

A perfect world, if you like it cold and distant.

And not really a world any more. At least not one of the official solar system ones.

Planet.
Net Loss.
Planet Loss.

Sitcomatose

Sitcom.
Comatose.
Sitcomatose.

As a teenager, I would come home from school, do my homework, and then sit calmly in front of the TV from around 6pm until midnight.

Waste.
Steady.
Wasteady.

In my pre-teen years, I had been limited to only a half-hour of television a night, so perhaps this was my rebellious phase.

Mr. Belvedere.
Rebel.
Mr. Rebelvedere.

If only I had come across an after-school special "The Boy Who Watched Too Much TV."
But I was busy doing my homework responsibly when that would have aired, I imagine.

Square.
Responsible.
Squaresponsible.

As I grow older and tell myself that I grow wiser, I find that I've matured enough that I certainly don't sit in front of the TV nearly that much at all.

Television.
Shunned.
Televishunned.

The computer screen is where it's at now, of course!.
(Thanks Hulu, Netflix Watch it Now, and nearly every TV channel's website.)

And with fewer commercials, it's a party!*

Hulu.
Luau.
Huluau.


* But not a Superbowl party. Because those are all ABOUT the commercials.

Madden.
Advertising.
Maddenvertising.

Managerk

Manager.
Jerk.
Managerk.

As it applies to the corporate world, this was actually the original meaning and spelling of "manager," but the final letter was simply lost over time.

Unless your supervisor is great, then how about this?

Boss.
Awesome.
Bawesome.


(See also Corporathole.)

Zombience

Zombie.
Ambience.
Zombience.

The atmosphere of a place that was dead but then came back to life.

(And then started eating brains.)

Brain.
Ingesting.
Braingesting.

Bangxiety

Bangs.
Anxiety.
Bangxiety.

Worry so bad you pull out your forehead hairs.

Brow.
Ouch.
Browch.

Elderstwhile

Elders.
Erstwhile.
Elderstwhile.

Tonight, I hosted a comedy show for an audience of about nine people.

But what they lacked in quantity, they made up in quantity of years that they had been alive.

If the amount of time lived by the aggregate of audience members that were there could have been spread out amongst a more ideal quantity of audience members, that would have solved TWO problems.

What a great magical power that would be, to be able to make the audience both younger and larger at the same time.*

Youthful.
Fuller.
Youthfuller.


* And what a selfish way that would be to use this power.

Well, if everyone came to my shows, then everyone would benefit.

Who's the selfish one now? (Answer: still me, fishing for more audience members.)

Selfish.
Fishing.
Selfishing.

Twitterrifying

Twitter.
Terrifying.
Twitterrifying.*

Finally, your wish is granted (if you were one of the handful of people wishing that I would join Twitter).

Genie.
Needy.
Genieedy.


* Changed from "Twitterrific" after learning someone already came up with that officially.

Sorries!
Reason.
Sorrieason.

Electronzoni

Electron.
Ronzoni.
Electronzoni.

Negatively charged pasta.

Perhaps it should be called anti-pasta.

Not to be confused with antipasto.

Which is the opposite of pasto.

(Pasto isn't a thing, which is why the opposite of it IS a thing.)

Antipasto.
Storytime.
Antipastorytime.

Punctuatindependence

Punctuatin'.
Independence.
Punctuatindependence.

A declarative statement ends with a period.

An interrogative one ends with a question mark.

An exclamation ends with an exclamation point.*

Makes one wonder why our country was born with a "Declaration of Independence," when it seems like an exclamation might have been more appropriate.**
(Seems like something that they might have wanted to get more excited about.)

Could have been worse, though.
At least we didn't start our country with an interrogation of independence.

e.g. "Independence, where were you on the evening of July 4, 1776?"

Freedom.
Domination.
Freedomination.


* They got a little lazy on this name, it seems.
Perhaps coming up with the other two was exhausting.

Tired.
Redundant.
Tiredundant.


** The Exclamation of Independence would have started out, "Wheeeeee!, the people..."

Exclaim.
Imagination.
Exclaimagination.

Pabstinence

Pabst.
Abstinence.
Pabstinence.

The only 100% effective method against something horrible happening.

Like forgetting to not drink Pabst.

Accidental.
Alcohol.
Accidentalcohol.

Clothingested

Clothing.
Ingested.
Clothingested.

Some underwear is edible.

Either because it is manufactured that way, or because someone didn't do their laundry and started wearing fruit roll-up boxers instead.*

Pantaloon.
Lunacy.
Pantalunacy.


* Taking the "of the loom" out of "fruit of the loom."
(And adding "roll-up.")

Tailored.
Edible.
Tailoredible.

Stevent

Steven.
Event.
Stevent.

I met Mr. Wright last night.

Comedy.
Dynamo.
Comedynamo.

NormanD-Day

Normandy.
D-Day.
NormanD-Day.

Today marks the anniversary of the first day of the 1944 invasion, named after the last syllable of the province being invaded.

Bonjour.
Europe.
Bonjourope.

TGIffy

TGIF.
Iffy.
TGIffy.

Should God be thanked every single Friday?

Wasn't that the day of the week on which his son was killed?

Which may have simply been a case of casual Friday taken too far.

e.g. "On all other days, we have a very strict no-crucifixion policy."

Perhaps each casual Friday comes with one commandment you can relax about, like "This week, don't worry about that 'I am the Lord your god' business."

Sabbath.
Atheist.
Sabbatheist.

Morninja

Morning.
Ninja.
Morninja.*

Me, when I awaken earlier than my girlfriend and sneak out of bed without waking her.

Sleeping.
Ingenuity.
Sleepingenuity.


* Not to be confused with a mourning ninja, which is someone who kicks ass at grieving.

Grief.
Effortless.
Grieffortless.

Probably because they're trained to be comfortable with death, they're at one with the universe, and they're already wearing black.

Shiva.
Values.
Shivalues.

Candorky

Candor.
Dorky.
Candorky.

To be honest, I have some nerdy interests.

Huge.
Geek.
Hugeek.

For example, growing up I was great at math and read a lot of comic books. (And I could tell you just how many comic books I read, that's how great at math I was.)

Loner.
Nerd.
Lonerd.

But I'm not dorky in every way one can be.

Dweeb.
Ebb and Flow.
Dweebb and Flow.

For example, I'm not a huge fan of Star Trek.

Trekkie.
Keyed Up.
Trekkeyed Up.

Which means I enjoyed the new movie, but I would have enjoyed it slightly more if I knew EVERYTHING there is to know about Star Trek.

Outcast.
Astronomical.
Outcastronomical.

But if I knew EVERYTHING there is to know about Star Trek, I would probably have enjoyed my life more than slightly less.

Misfit.
Fitting.
Misfitting.

Also I get lots of chicks now.

Magnet.
Networking.
Magnetworking.

Grouchomsky

Groucho.
Chomsky.
Grouchomsky.

He doesn't care to belong to any linguistics organization that would have him as a member.

Harpo.
Policies.
Harpolicies

(Even though he is one of its founding fathers, along with his brothers: Franz Boppo, Wilhelm von Humbo, and Ferdinand de Saussuro.)

Chico.
Counterparts.
Chicounterparts.

Harlequinticentennial

Harlequin.
Quinticentennial.
Harlequinticentennial.

500 posts of buffoonery!

We made it!

Thanks for being a part of it!

Here's to 500 more!

But not right now!

One at a time!

Slow and steady wins the race!

Especially when you're not even racing against anyone.

Tortoise.
Isolation.
Tortoisolation.

Elvishnu

Elvis.
Vishnu.
Elvishnu.

The King. Not just of rock and roll, but also of Hinduism.

He ain't nothin' but a hound dog, reincarnatin' all the time.

(In attempts to move up the hierarchy and get PAST hound dog to arrive at nirvana eventually.)

Jagra.
Graceland.
Jagraceland.

Karattweiler

Karate.
Rottweiler.
Karattweiler.

A canine that will only use its very disciplined viciousness on you in self-defense.

Judo.
Dog.
Judog.*

Its bark is worse than its bite, but its roundhouse kick is worse than both of those.

Fido.
Dojo.
Fidojo.

At least it can't punch you. (Dogs don't have hands.)

Tai Chi.
Chihuahua.
Tai Chihuahua.


* This word also sounds like it can also be used as an anti-Semetic slur, for anyone out there who hates Jews and dogs alike.

Yarmulke.
Kennel.
Yarmulkennel.

Melancholiday

Melancholy.
Holiday.
Melancholiday.

Days that are celebrated because they commemorate something sad, as opposed to something happy.

Taboo.
Boohoo.
Taboohoo.

Like Pearl Harbor Day, or Arbor Day if you hate trees, or even holidays that DON'T have the phrase "Arbor Day" contained somewhere within.

Botanical.
Calendar.
Botanicalendar.

Voideo

Void.
Video.
Voideo.

Currently in my viewfinder, there is a nothingness which I need converted into a somethingness.*

Zen.
Enlightenment.
Zenlightenment.

That is to say, I need a new camcorder.**

Currently, I possess a dearth of working video recording devices, and I require that that dearth turn into whatever the opposite of a dearth is.***

Became.
Camera.
Becamera.

So, off to the camera district! Or the camera market. Camera barrel?

I don't know where to shop for cameras.

Hopefully the camera gnomes will just leave me one in the night, like they did for that shoe guy (but with a camera instead of shoes).****

Gnome.
Omen.
Gnomen.


* How come "nothingness" gets to be a real word, while "somethingness" gets underlined by the spellchecker?

Not enough spellcheckeriness to go around?

Why can't there be everythingness for everybodifragilisticexpialadocious?

Nonsensical.
Cyclical.
Nonsensyclical.


** A thing that cords cams, if its name is to be taken literally.

Names.
Messy.
Namessy.


*** Scramble the letters in "dearth," and it becomes a "thread," moving towards "the rad" or "d' heart."
(Make sure to avoid turning to "hatred.")

Plan.
Anagram.
Planagram.


**** I almost said I wished the camera FAIRY would come instead of gnomes.

But since the Tooth Fairy takes teeth AWAY, I don't know what the camera fairy would do, given that I already have zero cameras.

I'd end up with negative one cameras, logically.

(I guess the fairy would have to make a camera out of stuff that I own already that I could have created a camera with, like some sort of reverse MacGuyver.)

MacGuyver.
Reverse.
MacGuyverse.

Palindromedary

Palindrome.
Dromedary.
Palindromedary.

Camel-like. Kill'em. Ac!

Llama.
Maul.
Llamaul.*


* This is prevented from being another palindrome (or two) only by the unfortunate arbitrariness of spelling in the English language...

Llama. Mall.
Llamall.

Damn you, homophones!

Traitor.
Orthography.
Traitorthography.


(See also Alpacamel.)