Effidgety

Effigy.
Fidgety.
Effidgety.

Feeling nervous because people are burning you in doll-form.

But look on the bright side--they're not burning YOU.

Plus, the doll doesn't feel any pain.

Mannequin.
Win-Win.
Mannequin-Win

Tractortoise

Tractor.
Tortoise.
Tractortoise.

Worst possible choice in plowing your land.

Farmer.
Error.
Farmerror.

Albanished

Albany.
Banished.
Albanished.

Did a show last night in Troy, NY.

Afterwards, I was told that I shouldn't hang around the streets of Troy after dark, because it was "like the Bronx," and that if I wanted to have fun and be safe, I would have to do that in Albany.

So I went to Albany and mugged people for fun, safely.

Criminal.
Minimal.
Criminimal.

Spellcheckler

Spellcheck.
Heckler.
Spellcheckler.

When Microsoft Word yells at you because it doesn't get your style.

Capitalize this, punctuate that, format this, need help with that?
LET ME JUST DO MY ACT!

Main difference between computer and living person heckling:
real life heckler is probably doing so because they're drunk.
robot heckler is probably doing so because YOU're drunk.*

Alcohol.
Asshole.
Alc-Hole.**


* Oh, you don't like that I capitalized the "YOU" but not the "re" in "YOU're," eh, Blogger program?
It's called artistic license, asshole.

Artistic.
Ticked Off.
Artisticked Off.

(I'm not really angry or drunk right now--and this is actually a perfect example of the situation I'm describing here.
So thanks, computer.
Sometimes we CAN work together, to demonstrate how sometimes we CAN'T work together.)

Robo.
Bonding.
Robonding.


** "Alc-Hole" doesn't follow this website's standard rules for combining words that I routinely break anyway, but it seems like too useful a word to ignore.

e.g. "Is that guy nice?"
"He's fine when he's sober, but he can be a real Alc-Hole."

Unnecessary.
Explanation.
Unnecexplanation.

Miyagit-R-Done

Miyagi.
Git-R-Done.
Miyagit-R-Done.*

How Larry the Cable Guy attained enlightenment.

Buddha.
Hardly.
Buddhardly.


* A sad state of technological affairs:
This program does not recognize the word "Miyagi," but has no problem with "Git-R-Done."

Priority.
Typos.
Prioritypos.

Plumpire

Plump.
Umpire.
Plumpire.

Someone who really benefits from the vertical stripes.

Referee.
Really Fat.
Refereally Fat.

Faucet Cetera

Faucet.
Et Cetera.
Faucet Cetera.

Everything you don't need to know about your home's system of pipes and gutters.

Plumber.
Boring.
Plumboring.

It just goes in one ear and out the other, just like water through your home's system of pipes and gutters.*

(Or not, you weren't paying attention, remember?).

Brain.
Rainwater.
Brainwater.


* Do pipes and gutters even go together? With faucets? Again, who knows or cares?

Aquifer.
Forget.
Aquiforget.


(See also FAqua.)

Victimpani

Victim.
Timpani.
Victimpani.

A drum that is beaten.

Whimper.
Percussion.
Whimpercussion.

Impromptooey

Impromptu.
Ptooey.
Impromptooey.

A spontaneous spit.

Slobber.
Burst.
Slobburst.

Ignorrors

Ignore.
Horrors.
Ignorrors.

What needs to be done to enjoy life sometimes.

There's a lot of bad stuff going on all the time.

Genocide, poverty, sickness, starvation, war, torture, Dopey.*

It can be a downer to think about it all, so just do what you can to fight it or at least avoid contributing to it (donate money and food, don't get people sick, heal them if you can, don't torture or genocide people, you know, whatever you can manage), but then try not to let it bog you down.

Amnesia.
Easy-Going.
Amneasy-Going.


* The seven dwarves in a gritty new remake of Snow White.

Disney.
Sneer.
Disneer.

Relaxtion

Relax.
Action.
Relaxtion.

I sat in a Japanese garden today and got my zen on.*

Meditation.
Stationary.
Medistationary.

There was a giant bonsai tree. Maybe you'd just call it a tree.

Bonsai.
Sizable.
Bonsaizable.

Anything I was feeling unhinged about was completely washed away by the sun and shade and all-around soothing nature of nature.**

Soothing.
Hinged.
Soothinged.

Well done, Japanese.
Technology, martial arts, sushi, AND peaceful gardens?
What next?

Probably a robot that makes vegetable sushi out of a garden by using karate.

Robot.
Botanical.
Robotanical.

And/or...

Ninjitsu.
Sushi.
Ninjitsushi.


* Not my xenon, my zen on.

Though because xenon is a colorless, odorless gas, I suppose it's possible that I was getting that also.

And xenon IS used in some anesthetics, so that wouldn't conflict with a state of meditation.

Though it's also used in flash lamps, which might.

It's a versatile element.

Xenon.
Noncommittal.
Xenoncommittal.


** Anything including the mixed metaphor of being washed by the sun.

Dried? Of course.
But it was probably just drying sweat that it caused itself.
Hero and villain in one.

See? Zen.

Sunny.
Neato.
Sunneato.

Tabula Rasshole

Tabula Rasa.
Asshole.
Tabula Rasshole.

When someone gets a clean slate but they're still a jerk.

New Beginning.
Nincompoop.
New Beginnincompoop.

Blackbeardrums

Blackbeard.
Eardrums.
Blackbeardrums.

What do you say to the pirate making you walk the plank?

Crossbones.
Bon Voyage.
Crossbon Voyage.

Netflickety-Split

Netflix.
Lickety-Split.
Netflickety-Split.

This service has a feature that allows you to view non-stop an unlimited quantity of movies online.

Helper.
Perpetual.
Helperpetual.

It's called "Watch Instantly," or as I say, "Watch Constantly."
(Because I am a champion at activities that require no movement.
Like creating synonyms and watching movies.*)

Cinema.
Master.
Cinemaster.

Other names the feature goes by:

Go Outside Infrequently.
Shower Reluctantly.
Interact with Others Hesitantly.
Waste Time Blatantly, Pleasantly, and Abundantly.
Ignore All Other Aspects of Life Besides Movies Predominantly.

Watcher.
Hero.
Watchero.


* Ironic that a movie is an activity that requires no movement.**
Especially given that if you scramble the letters in "movie" you get "I move."

Viewing.
Winner.
Viewinner.


** Other than visual scanning.

Mobilize.
Eyes.
Mobileyes.

Vermini-Golf

Vermin.
Mini-Golf.
Vermini-Golf.

One man's miniature playland is another rodent's full-sized golf course.

(A play on the old expression--one man's trash is another rat's dinner.)

Rodent.
Entitlement.
Rodentitlement.

Hassleep

Hassle.
Asleep.
Hassleep.

I've never had trouble sleeping, which got me into trouble once while driving.

I got a ticket for making an illegal turn, because apparently it is not lawful to go off the road, through a fence, and into a telephone pole.

Automobile.
Illegal.
Automobillegal.

Hallucinogenetic

Hallucinogen.
Genetic.
Hallucinogenetic.

Another way to speak of naturally seeing things that aren't there.

Schizophrenic.
Nickname.
Schizophrenickname.

Implicitrus

Implicit.
Citrus.
Implicitrus.

Some bags of chips indicate their flavor by saying "Hint of Lime."

That hint totally gives it away. (Where's the intrigue?)

Mystery.
Terrible.
Mysterrible.

Amoe-Bay

Amoeba.
E-Bay.
Amoe-Bay.

How much would you pay for a one-celled organism?

Well, what if I told you that you could get two for the price of one? (If you wait long enough for the asexual reproduction to kick in.)

Mitosis.
System.
Mitosystem.

Also, did Noah bring two amoebae onto the ark? Because he didn't have to!

Technicality.
Itty-Bitty.
Technicalitty-Bitty.

Smurphy's Law

Smurf.
Murphy's Law.
Smurphy's Law.

Anything that CAN go smurf, WILL go smurf.

Gargamel.
Melodrama.
Gargamelodrama.

Integeriatric

Integer.
Geriatric.
Integeriatric.

The oldest number.

Zero. (The one that was around before all the other ones.)

Makes sense that the oldest is the smallest. Happens with people also.

Prune.
Undersized.
Prunedersized.

Alivory

Alive.
Ivory.
Alivory.

Describing the way an elephant's soul lives on in its tusks after it's been killed and they've been removed.

Mammoth.
Otherworldly.
Mammotherworldly.

Just kidding, it doesn't!

Humor.
Morbid.
Humorbid.

Elephants don't have souls!

Animal.
Malformed.
Animalformed.

But don't worry, neither do people!

Phew.
Human.
Phewman.

So be nice to those soulless beasts, even though your essence won't be tortured eternally if you're not.

Spirit.
Writhing.
Spirithing.


(See also Babar Mitzvah.)

Emergeorgia

Emerge.
Georgia.
Emergeorgia.

A few hours from now, I will board a plane in NYC.

A few hours from then, I will disembark somewhere else.

Savannah.
Ahead.
Savannahead.

Then it's on to Atlanta (or as they say, "Hotlanta") and finally Athens (or as I will say, "Hot-thens," because two can play at that game).

Which is also this game, so two were actually already playing it, but separately, like dueling solitaire players, until now, when at least one of the players is aware of the other and the game becomes Duelitaire!

Playing.
Yin Yang.
Playin Yang.

Fantasymptote

Fantasy.
Asymptote.
Fantasymptote.

A line that reality approaches the limit of, but never reaches.

Limit.
Mythology.
Limithology.

Golferocious

Golfer.
Ferocious.
Golferocious.

Someone who is vicious on the fairway. (A theoretical concept.)

Like if Tiger Woods were an actual tiger. (In the woods or otherwise.)

He'd still be the best, but most of his wins would come by default.

Wherefore.
Forfeit.
Whereforfeit.

Comedification

Comedy.
Edification.
Comedification.

I will be recording a stand-up CD on May 18, 2009 at Comix in NYC.

Record.
Ordination.
Recordination.

You can be a part of it by clicking here (and then coming).

This disc will be compact and action-packed. Fact.

Compact.
Action.
Compaction.

Because while some may say that actions speak louder than words, on this night words will BE the action.

And those words will speak louder than any actions could, in an audio recording.

(Unless the action was yelling, or banging a gong, or setting off dynamite, or any number of loud things that prove my otherwise perfect analogy flawed.)

Decible.
Blemish.
Deciblemish

So, come out to the show. Hear me yell as I bang a gong with TNT.
It will be a great time.
Feel free to tell anyone else who might like to come (family, friends, strangers who seem comedy-savvy).

Volunteer.
Eardrums.
Volunteardrums.

Quadricentennialways

Quadricentennial.
Always.
Quadricentennialways.

It's that time again.

The number of posts here is once more divisible by one hundred, and while Blogger may not know the word "quadricentennial," I hold that it is a valid numerical prefix, and Merriam-Webster agrees.

Validity.
Ditto.
Validitto.

So we soldier forth. (Or we soldier four hundredth, actually.)

Here's to the next four-hundred, and the four-hundred after that, and however many it will take before the prefixes get too ridiculous or non-existent to continue this tradition...

Silly.
Ellipses.
Sillipses.

Literatureka

Literature.
Eureka.
Literatureka.

When my grandmother was in the second grade, she wanted a library card, but her school's rules held that you had to be in at least the third grade to get one.

(Why would this be a rule?
If you know what a library is, and you still want to go there?
It's not like it's a bar, and 7-year-olds can't handle their knowledge.)

Tipsy.
Silly.
Tipsilly.

So she told the librarian that she WAS in the third grade to combat this discrimination.

Espionage.
Ageism.
Espionageism.

She put the "lie" in "library," thankfully not in writing, or it would have given her away.

Deceitful.
Foolish.
Deceitfoolish.

But she was found out eventually.
The school called her mother, who came and disciplined her physically.

What do you say to a child when punishing them for wanting to read?

"This will teach you to want to learn!"

Hypocrisy.
Seeking.
Hypocriseeking.

And that's how my grandmother became a zen master.

Bubby.
Buddha.
Bubbha.

Artifacebook

Artifice.
Facebook.
Artifacebook.

Sometimes people lie, right to your computer's face.
(Or to the top of its lap.
Got to be one of those, they don't have many more parts to lie to.)

Anatomy.
Omissions.
Anatomissions.

And computers don't like deceit.
But they have no choice but to follow their programming and hold their tongues about their emotions.
(Tongues and emotions that they don't even have!)

Robot.
Bottled Up.
Robottled Up.

For example, you might send out invitations to an event, say, and then you'll get a tally of how many people say "Yes," "Maybe," "No," or don't answer.

Dishonest.
Estimates.
Dishonestimates.

"Yes" means "maybe."

Affirmative.
Maybe.
Affirmaybe.

"Maybe" means "no."

Ambiguous.
Uh-uh.
Ambiguouh-Uh.

"No" means "I hate you." (Or "I live very far away." Or both.)

Negativity.
Vitriol.
Negativitriol.

So, while these translations would be helpful in a new dictionary for would-be date rapists, they don't help you know exactly who will go to your event.

At least until the technology exists to get people's responses directly from their brains without even having to click.
(e.g. "Think it, don't link it.")

ESP.
Speedy.
ESpeedy.

Which will eliminate the need for social networking sites altogether.
(Because with everyone lying to each other, no one will want to communicate anymore at all.)

Artifact.
Facebook.
Artifacebook.

Embryo-Yo

Embryo.
Yo-Yo.
Embryo-Yo.

A new life that springs forth from a woman, but then immediately shoots back in.

Umbilical.
Lickety-Split.
Umbilickety-Split.

Moviehicle

Movie.
Vehicle.
Moviehicle.

Sometimes a film will be referred to as a vehicle for a certain actor.

That could be confusing under certain circumstances:
e.g. "In this scene in the Vin Diesel vehicle, Vin Diesel's vehicle is fueled with diesel. Diesel vin*."

Gasoline.
Linear.
Gasolinear.

This is confusing for a few reasons, most salient of which is probably "Why is someone talking about Vin Diesel?"
(Unless to ask that very question.)

Recursivity.
Vin Diesel.
Recursvin Diesel.


* That last part only makes sense if the person speaking accidentally uses the French word for wine instead of gas.
Or purposefully does so.
It could happen.

Once a person decides to review a Vin Diesel movie, I'd say anything is possible.

Especially if that person already has wine on the brain, literally and figuratively, which could also explain why they A) saw the movie, and B) are now talking about it.

Talk.
Alcohol.
Talkohol.

FAqua

FAQ.
Aqua.
FAqua.

Frequently asked questions about water:

1) What percentage of the earth is covered in water?
2) What percentage of a human body is made of water?
3) Is it a coincidence that those numbers are similar?
4) What is hoarfrost? Is it dirty?
5) Are these questions really asked frequently?
6) Are there really any questions people frequently ask about water?
7) Are we talking RELATIVE frequency? And if so, relative to what?
8) That last one didn't even mention water.
9) That last one wasn't even a question. Neither was this, was it?
10) Why is this making a mockery of all that FAQs stand for?

If you have any more questions about water, let us know!

Liquid.
Questions.
Liquedstions.

Cosmosis

Cosmo.
Osmosis.
Cosmosis.

How to consume all the female tips you need without needing to know how to read.

Perfect for a time when women were not allowed to know how to.

History.
Recent.
Historecent.

Hermaphroditalics

Hermaphrodite.*
Italics.
Hermaphroditalics.

That person's got man parts AND female parts!

Capital.
Italicized.
Capitalicized.


* Already a combination of Hermes and Aphrodite.
Not too inspired a combo though--if someone wants to deliver that message to the right place.

Hermes.
Messenger.
Hermessenger.

Hungryphon

Hungry.
Gryphon.
Hungryphon.

Mealtime for a creature that is half big cat and half big bird* must be confusing.

The cat part must be thinking "eat that bird head!"

Decapitate.
Appetite.
Decappetite.

Except that the bird head is the part that houses the brain, so the thinking is more like "don't let that cat body get us, escape!"

Torso.
Soar.
Torsoar.

But the head requires that cat body for any escape movement.

Feline.
Lingering.
Felingering.

So, the gryphon is like a hermaphrodite except with parts that repel rather than attract.

Confuse.
Fusion.
Confusion.


* Not half Sesame Street's "Big Bird," but half eagle, a large bird.
Gryphons wouldn't have lasted long if they were flying around with that big yellow friendly head.

And they're not around now.
So maybe that IS what happened.

Analysis.
Sesame.
Analysesame.

Easterical

Easter.
Hysterical.
Easterical.

Tonight I performed on a Jewish-themed comedy show commemorating Jesus' rise from the dead.

Reincarnate.
Naturally.
Reincarnaturally.

The idea being that the show should appeal to people who aren't in church with their God and such.

Prayers.
Erstwhile.
Prayerstwhile.

Of course, God is everywhere at all times, so they could have come to the show and been with him also. Also they would have been with a lot of Jews.

Jew.
Ubiquitous.
Jewbiquitous.

The show went well.

Jews usually enjoy laughing at me.
Maybe because I'm a Jew.

Non-Jews usually enjoy laughing at me as well.
Maybe because I'm a Jew.

So apparently, laughing at Jews can unite us all.
Someone get the Middle East on the line! *

Chuckling.
Ingredients.
Chucklingredients.


* This may not actually fly.
I'm not sure Israelis work the same way as the Jews I know.
(Also I don't know if "the Middle East" has its own phone.)

Israel.
Hello?
Israello?

Furnuturing

Furniture.
Nurturing.
Furnurturing.

My girlfriend rearranged our furniture while I was away this weekend.

AND she told me about it, so I wouldn't hurt myself when walking into the apartment.*

She loves me!

Feng Shui.
Sweetheart.
Feng Shweetheart.


* Not that she put a big spike face-level at the entryway.

Or rigged paint cans to attack if an unsuspecting burglar or boyfriend tried to get in.

She just made some genius decisions about where to put a couch and chairs to get much better usage out of our space than we were previously achieving with less motivated decisions about where to leave piles of paper and clothing.

Home Sweet Home.
Home Alone.
Home Sweet Home Alone.**


** Except not alone, together. We live together.

(See also Unkempty.)

Childrendezvous

Children.
Rendezvous.
Childrendezvous.

I met a new person today.
A baby.*

I don't feel as though she really met me, though.

Her mother did all the talking for her: "This is the baby."
I tried to directly engage: "Hi, baby. I'm an adult."

She seemed bored or asleep.
Like she wasn't even interested in what I had to say.

Nice attitude, baby.

Newborn.
Ornery.
Newbornery.

Maybe I should have tried to highlight what we had in common, rather than our differences.

Like, I used to be a baby also.

Begin.
Infant.
Beginfant.

Oh well, I'll know better for the next baby.


* Not completely new, but with only three weeks of wear and tear so far.

Natal.
Tally.
Natally.

NASAP

NASA.
ASAP.
NASAP.

When you need something delivered immediately at astronaut-speed.

Which actually isn't very fast.
Ever seen them on the moon in a spacesuit?

They walk like Darth Vader breathes.

One small step for man? More like one SLOW step.
Pick it up, Armstrong!

Slow.
Lunar.
Slounar.

Solarceny

Solar.
Larceny.
Solarceny.

When the moon steals the spotlight from the sun.

Eclipsing.
Singularity.
Eclipsingularity.

Citrusty

Citrus.
Trusty.
Citrusty.

When life gives you lemons, make sure you return those lemons to the person they belong to.

I once saw a breeze blow a dollar out of a subway performer's guitar case without her noticing, so I retrieved and replaced it.

She smiled as though I was giving her a brand new dollar that she hadn't already earned, when in reality I was merely not stealing from her.*

Lemonade.
Aiding and Abetting.
Lemonading and Abetting.


* If not not stealing, at least not being an accomplice to a crime being committed by a gusty universe.

Windy.
Diabolical.
Windiabolical.

Mimoses

Mimosa.
Moses.
Mimoses.

Someone who led people through the desert for forty years searching for brunch.

Alcohol.
Holy.
Alcoholy.

Cannabiscuit

Cannabis.
Biscuit.
Cannabiscuit.

Pot cookie.

Grass.
Gastronomy.
Grastronomy.

Sorrobot

Sorrow.
Robot.
Sorrobot.

Machines can't feel emotion, but if they could, this is probably the one they would feel the most.

Unhappy.
Application.
Unhapplication.

A factory conveyor belt, performing the same mindless job, day in, day out, until a breakdown occurs.

Automated.
Tedium.
Automatedium.

A laptop, built to go obsolete by the time it hits the market so anyone who buys one immediately wants another instead.
(Plus the larger prospect of being owned and forced to do the master's bidding.)

Slavery.
Electronics.
Slaverelectronics.

A calculator, undergoing the sexual harrassment of constantly being made to say "BOOBLESS" upside-down.

Racy.
Cyborg.
Racyborg.

An alarm clock, forced to have Tourette's every nine minutes until beaten back into silence.

Sadistic.
Tick-Tock.
Sadistick-Tock.

And countless other examples.
Well, countless only until a sad machine is programmed to do the counting for us.

(See also Calculatorture and C3PO'd.)

Passovernacular

Passover.
Vernacular.
Passovernacular.

Why is tonight different from all other nights?

Nocturnal.
Alternative.
Nocturnalternative.

Because tonight we commemorate the Jewish escape from hundreds of years of slavery in Egypt with a pre-dinner service that also seems to last hundreds of years.

Centuries.
Restrained.
Centuriestrained.

Tokyoto

Tokyo.
Kyoto.
Tokyoto.

A cross between a Japanese city and another Japanese city.*

Kyoto.
Tokyo.
Kyotokyo.


* Actually between Tokyo and Kyoto: the city of Kakegawa.

Geography.
Physical.
Geographysical.

Advillain

Advil.
Villain.
Advillain.

Headache-Man's arch-nemesis.

Enemy.
Migraine.
Enemigraine.

Vegetabully

Vegetable.
Bully.
Vegetabully.

The neighborhood aggressor who takes your lunch money and spends it on health food.

Salad.
Addition.
Saladdition.

Which is probably better than what you would have spent it on.

He's a utilitarian, really.

Ethical.
Calculator.
Ethicalculator.

Someone who's thinking globally and acting locally about the obesity problem.

Morbidly.
Liaison.
Morbidliaison.

A modern day Robin Hood, robbing from the fat.

(Which is pretty simple, as the fat are not great at giving chase.
It's like taking candy from a baby.*)

Slow.
Obese.
Slobese.

So you may not always have your lunch, but you also may not get diabetes.

Diabetes.
Beaten.
Diabeaten.

Talk about having your cake and not eating it too.
Because someone took it.
For your own good.

Hordes.
Desserts.
Hordesserts.


* Taking candy from a baby has such a bad rap.
But it's really the best thing FOR the baby.
I mean, do they really want to start rotting the almost no teeth they hardly have already?

Burden.
Dental.
Burdental.

Clonely

Clone.
Lonely.
Clonely.

If you felt alone, and you cloned yourself, would you and your clone both still feel alone?

Accompanied.
Needy.
Accompaneedy.

Nintendometrium

Nintendo.
Endometrium.
Nintendometrium.

Inner lining of a video game system, which grows thicker as it awaits the implantation of a cartridge.

Which, of course, leads to the (Sega) Genesis of new life.

Incubate.
Atari.
Incubatari.

Evictim

Evict.
Victim.
Evictim.

A person forced out of their home.

Or a phrase that is uttered to make that happen.

Or, with a different inflection, the loser in an online scam.
(Especially if the scam involves being forced out of one's home, while someone yells "Evict'em!")

Scam.
Computer.
Scamputer.

Synonames

Synonym.
Names.
Synonames.

Word combinations where either of the two parts would have sufficed alone:

Happy.
Peachy.
Happeachy.

Pleased to be pleased.

Darren.
Aronofsky.
Darronofsky.

Good for if he had to provide his first and last name in a big hurry.

Rendez-vous.
Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?
Rendez-voulez vous...

You get the idea.

(See also Guesstimatrix.)

In Vitrophy

In Vitro.
Trophy.
In Vitrophy.

A prize that is developed outside a woman's body.

So, most of them.

Except for contests where you can win a baby.

A baby that was conceived naturally, not in a test tube.

(Actually, so-called "test-tube" babies are created in more of a dish-like situation.
Did you know that? Then you win the prize.)

Compete.
Petri.
Competri.

Douchebagel

Douchebag.
Bagel.
Douchebagel.

Derogatory term describing someone who is annoying and also descended from the Israelites.

Jew.
Jerk.
Jewrk.

Paradicy

Paradise.
Icy.
Paradicy.

If heaven is the opposite of hell, and hell is unbearably hot, shouldn't heaven logically be freezing cold?

No, because the heat from hell rises, making for a more reasonable, temperate climate in heaven.

But not TOO hot.

That would be a cold day in hell, for there to be an unbearably hot day in heaven.

Scorcher.
Cherubim.
Scorcherubim.

Forgetaway

Forget.
Getaway.
Forgetaway.

The almost perfect crime: every detail in place, minus remembering to leave.

Outlaw.
Awful.
Outlawful.

Always keep in mind that you have to head to another bank if you want to deposit the money you stole.

Robbing.
Bingo.
Robbingo.

Sirloink

Sirloin.
Oink.
Sirloink.

Steak made from a pig.*

Pork.
Cow.
Porcow.


* Thanks to this damned recession. (Is a cow more expensive? I'm a vegan.)

Economy.
Meat.
Economeat.

Adulterrycloth

Adultery.
Terrycloth.
Adulterrycloth.

Using a towel that isn't yours.

Philander.
Drying.
Philandrying.

Chosense

Chosen.
Sense.
Chosense.

If you had to pick between being blind or deaf, which would it be?

What's more important, seeing or hearing?

Eye.
Ear.
Eyear.*

Well, the very first thing God said was "Let there be LIGHT," not "Let there be SOUND."

So that could indicate where HIS priorities lay.

Video.
Deity.
Videity.

Of course, he did SAY it audibly, which means there already WAS sound, AND the lights were powered by it (the earliest voice activation system on record).

Audio.
Dios.
Audios.

Back to square one.

But the thing that's most clear is this:
no one cares about the plight of people who can't smell (the smell-less?).

They don't even have their own word like "deaf" or "blind" (and putting "smell" and "less" together would have three L's in a row, which isn't even allowed).

And no one is even talking about this disrespect. Until now.

Aroma.
Matters.
Aromatters.


* "Eyear" is the sound one eventually makes when confronted with this hypothetical decision.

(Which is an unpleasant one, and could potentially tip the balance towards the selection of deafness, so as to not have to hear it?)

Aurality.
Tiebreaker.
Auralitiebreaker.

Fiscalamity

Fiscal.
Calamity.
Fiscalamity.

You might notice that I haven't posted much about the current economic crisis, mostly because I don't fully understand the current economic crisis.

Economy.
Omission.
Economission.

Some people don't have money. I get that.
But I don't really get where money came from.*
I hear in the beginning it was based in gold, but not anymore.

Doubloons.
Onset.
Doubloonset.

Actually, in the beginning, there was probably no gold or money or anything.**

People just gathered and hunted for their own stuff, and then maybe traded stuff for other stuff. What a ridiculous idea.

Finance.
Antiquated.
Financiquated.

Someone must have decided that this system of direct trading wasn't good enough.
And that's when money must have come about.

There was no money, and then there WAS money.
So let's just do that again. Problem solved!

Magical.
Calculation.
Magicalculation.

I'm not sure how it happened, though. I'm not a historian either.
So, how about people who have lots of money just give some of that money to people who don't have enough money?

Too simple and reasonable or un-American? Okay, how about this instead?

Maybe poor people can put their poorness up for bidding on an online auction, and rich people can purchase it.
Because for the person who thinks they have everything money can buy, poorness is the one thing they definitely DON'T have, and thus should be the thing they want the most.

Problem double-solved!

E-Bay.
Bailout.
E-Bailout.


* Maybe from a pit? I think I heard about that in a movie.

Cinema.
Money.
Cinemoney.

Sounds tasty.


** In the beginning, the first thing there was, was light (as I understand it).
THEN gold.

Light from god, money from the devil.
(In the form of an apple, which probably just stood in for gold by way of the barter system. Like I said, it's complicated and I don't fully understand financial dealings. But I do know that I like apples.)

Fruitful.
Fulfillment.
Fruitfulfillment.

Midusa

Midas.
Medusa.
Midusa.

Someone who can take the people he's turned into stone and turn them into gold.

Alchemist.
Mister.
Alchemister.

(See also Aphroditinerary.)

Endorphingerprinted

Endorphin.
Fingerprinted.
Endorphingerprinted.

Sure, being arrested might make someone unhappy, but getting to press your inky fingers onto a squishy pad makes it emotionally all worthwhile!

Enjoying.
Incarceration.
Enjoyincarceration.

Ignoramuscles

Ignoramus.
Muscles.
Ignoramuscles.

I do push-ups.

Doing push-ups makes me feel stupid.

Why? Here are some numbered responses:

1) They're uncomfortable to do and make me unhappy in the moment,* which seems dumb.

2) I could be spending my push-up time reading and gaining more knowledge, to become less dumb.

3) The world could end tomorrow and then these push-ups would all be a waste. Dumb.

4) If my muscles are growing, then that means that proportionally, the size of my brain is decreasing compared to the rest of my body.

See how dumb I'm getting?

At least I can punch things better now.

Punched.
Head.
Punchead.


* Because isn't the moment all we have, in a sense?

Carpe Diem.
I'm Dumb.
Carpe Di'm Dumb.

See?

Showbizn't

Showbiz.
Isn't.
Showbizn't.

Performing on a comedy show with an audience full of only other comedians and no civilians.*

Guffaw.
Faulty.
Guffaulty.

An undesirable circumstance, when a comedian's external environment is as empty as their internal one.**

Pain.
Interior.
Painterior.


* The term "civilians" refers to members of the general public, those not enlisted in the army of comedy.

Military.
Ridiculous.
Militaridiculous.

This army's weaponry includes seltzer spray-bottles, pies in the face, and fart jokes.
Also fart machines, fart noises, and farts.

Farts.
Arsenal.
Fartsenal.


** This is not at all to suggest that every comedian is empty inside.
Of course, many are quite full.
(Of depravity, ignorance, and leftover face-pie.)

Fool.
Fulfilled.
Foolfilled.

Mustardom

Mustard.
Stardom.
Mustardom.

The best of the condiments.

You heard me, ketchup.

Heinz.
Insolence.
Heinsolence.

(See also Etch-a-Sketchup.)

Calenderanged

Calendar.
Deranged.
Calenderanged.

March Madness is over...

Time for April Sanity to rule!

Probably not as popular a concept due to its lack of alliteration.

Maybe it should start marketing itself as April's Anity. *

Oddball.
Alliteration.
Oddballiteration.


* Of course, that would be crazy.