Haystacupuncture

Haystack.
Acupuncture.
Haystacupuncture.

Something about a needle. I'll get to that later.

We start with a story about the beach, which I now call the bea-otch.
(Take that, beach.)

Sandy.
Destruction.
Sandestruction.

That is where I got a sunburn, but don't worry, it was not for nothing.

I got it in exchange for donating my glasses to the ocean.

Oops.
Sea.
Oopsea.

Like I made a sacrifice to Poseidon so he would put a word in with Apollo to burn me.

Stupidest exchange ever.

Trade.
Adept.
Tradept.

I don't even know why a god would need glasses.

Ophthalmology.
Jesus.
Ophthalmologesus.

Though he is the god of the sea, not god of seeing.

Inept.
Neptune.
Ineptune.

So I spent my day at the beach searching for buried treasure. Or floating treasure. Or wherever-my-glasses-ended-up treasure.

Prize.
Eyes.
Priyes.

And what I found is this...

The expression "looking for a needle in a haystack" should be changed to "looking for my glasses in the ocean."

Because that's way harder.

A haystack doesn't move. It doesn't cover three-quarters of the earth. You can't burn down the ocean and just find what you're looking for sitting right there. AND you're doing all this searching without your glasses.

Blinded.
Dedication.
Blindedication.

Sometimes someone will throw a bottle into the ocean, with a note inside that travels across the world, and someone else finds it and they fall in love and live happily ever after.

That actually happens more often than me finding my glasses in the ocean.

And the bottle is made out of glass as well, which is sort of rubbing it in.

Pepsi.
Sea-Faring.
Pepsea-Faring.

So, if anyone finds my glasses on the other side of the world, we should probably get married.

Let me know.

Longshot.
Hotline.
Longshotline.

Daedalust

Daedalus.
Lust.
Daedalust.

The passion one feels for an inventor.

Especially an inventor who can make you a cow suit so you can sleep with a bull that you also have passion for.

If only the inventor was also a bull, like the story is. (Take that, mythology.)

Beau.
Bovine.
Beauvine.

Debutcher

Debut.
Butcher.
Debutcher.

When was the first animal killed after Noah's trip on the ark?

They only brought two of each, so what were the animals being fed until they could reproduce enough to make more food for the other animals that were carnivores and needed to eat them?

Maybe they got so hungry they had to eat the unicorns and one of the dragons (the other of which fled to Loch Ness).

Mythology.
Eats.
Mythologeats.


(See also Amoe-Bay and Dragonorrhea.)

Hydrama

Hydra.
Drama.
Hydrama.

For example, when you're dating someone who causes so many headaches that even when you put out one fire, two more pop up to take its place.

Fiery.
Relationship.
Fierelationship.

Bummerriage

Bummer.
Marriage.
Bummerriage.

You know the old joke, "A horse walks into a bar and is asked 'Why the long face?'"

Well, here's an adapation: "A man walks into a wedding and is asked 'Why the long face?' and he says, 'Because I'm in the bridle party.'"

Sequin.
Equine.
Sequine.

Here's the thing--I thought that the man in that joke would be me this weekend because I had been asked to be a groomsman in a good friend's wedding...

My position necessitated my arrival at 1pm for an affair that would not end until the next day began.

The actual wedding ceremony was to occur at 7pm, pictures were scheduled for between 4-6pm, and the photographer wasn't even going to arrive until 2pm. So, 1pm it was for the groomsmen!

Chronology.
Geez.
Chronologeez.

Sure, we did need a little time to change into our fancy duds*, especially when not accustomed to wearing such gear...

Tuxedo.
Don't.
Tuxedon't.

...but I couldn't imagine what would fill the hours called for by our itinerary.

I expected that just like the horse-man of the joke that started this post, the length of my face would correspond directly with the length of the day's preparations.

Centaur.
Torture.
Centorture.

But as it turned out, I was pleasantly mistaken.

While the groomsmen did indeed have to arrive super-early...

Super.
Early.
Supearly.

...we were immediately whisked away to the game room, where we were greeted by food, drink, pool, cards, shuffleboard, darts, music, etc.**

Merriment.
Entirely.
Merrimentirely.

And that's what ended up filling all those hours, as well as my stomach.
(I ate a lot of shuffleboard and darts that day.***)

Ultimately, the wedding was a complete success; nobody accidentally lost/dropped/swallowed the rings, nobody said the wrong name during the ceremony, etc.****

And my worries that the day would be a chore disappeared just like the illusion of an oasis does in the mind of a thirst-crazed desert-wanderer who ends up eating sand.*****

No bum marriage here.

Bummer.
Mirage.
Bummirage.


* "Duds" meaning "fancy clothes," and not "things that don't explode."
Though to be fair, our fancy clothes did not explode.

Cummerbund.
Bungled.
Cummerbungled.


** I threw in that "etc." to make it seem like there was more to that list, when in fact I believe I exhausted every item that could have been on it.

I can't lie to you.

Honesty.
Estimate.
Honestimate.


*** Sure, they might have tasted a bit gamy. Eh? Gamy? Eh?
(And yes, that joke might be a bit hard to swallow or stomach, but try comparing it to how you'd feel eating darts. About the same? Perfect.)

Wordplay.
Plate.
Wordplate.


**** Because the wedding didn't take place in a romantic comedy or a "Friends" episode.
This is real life, people.

Nuptial.
Allegedly.
Nuptiallegedly.


***** At least in Bugs Bunny cartoons.

Bunny.
Near-Death Experience.
Bunnear-Death Experience.

Yogre

Yoga.
Ogre.
Yogre.

A big oaf who smells up the studio, to the point where you want to commit pre-meditated murder.

Or post-meditated murder.

Shrek.
Reckoning.
Shreckoning.

Handbasketchy

Handbasket.
Sketchy.
Handbasketchy.

Details are hazy as to why this is a means of traveling to hell.

Hades.
Destination.
Hadestination.

Even less information is available as to what sort of basket one takes to get to heaven, or if baskets are involved at all.

Heaven.
Eventual.
Heaventual.

If baskets ARE involved, then obviously split up your eggs between the hell-bound basket and the heaven-bound one.

Segregate.
Eggs.
Eggregate.

Because while all DOGS may go to heaven*, all unborn chickens apparently do not.

Omelet.
Letdown.
Omeletdown.


* Actually untrue.
At least one dog definitively does not go to heaven: Cerberus, guard of the gates of hell.

Canine.
Nein!
Canein!

Neptunafish

Neptune.
Tunafish.
Neptunafish.

God of the chicken of the sea.

Omnipotent.
Poultry.
Omnipoultrent.

Which came first, the chicken or the god?

The god, I'd imagine.

Not the chicken who probably can't even imagine the god.

B'gok!
God.
B'God!

Unless the fact that the god is imagined means it never came at all.

You win again, chicken. You win again.

(And you weren't even IN this fight. It was tuna's battle, remember?)

Fish.
Shy.
Fishy.


(See also Pacifiction.)

Fantasymptote

Fantasy.
Asymptote.
Fantasymptote.

A line that reality approaches the limit of, but never reaches.

Limit.
Mythology.
Limithology.

Hermaphroditalics

Hermaphrodite.*
Italics.
Hermaphroditalics.

That person's got man parts AND female parts!

Capital.
Italicized.
Capitalicized.


* Already a combination of Hermes and Aphrodite.
Not too inspired a combo though--if someone wants to deliver that message to the right place.

Hermes.
Messenger.
Hermessenger.

Hungryphon

Hungry.
Gryphon.
Hungryphon.

Mealtime for a creature that is half big cat and half big bird* must be confusing.

The cat part must be thinking "eat that bird head!"

Decapitate.
Appetite.
Decappetite.

Except that the bird head is the part that houses the brain, so the thinking is more like "don't let that cat body get us, escape!"

Torso.
Soar.
Torsoar.

But the head requires that cat body for any escape movement.

Feline.
Lingering.
Felingering.

So, the gryphon is like a hermaphrodite except with parts that repel rather than attract.

Confuse.
Fusion.
Confusion.


* Not half Sesame Street's "Big Bird," but half eagle, a large bird.
Gryphons wouldn't have lasted long if they were flying around with that big yellow friendly head.

And they're not around now.
So maybe that IS what happened.

Analysis.
Sesame.
Analysesame.

Midusa

Midas.
Medusa.
Midusa.

Someone who can take the people he's turned into stone and turn them into gold.

Alchemist.
Mister.
Alchemister.

(See also Aphroditinerary.)

Synopsisyphus

Synopsis.
Sisyphus.
Synopsisyphus.

To sum up:
He did bad things and was punished by forever rolling a boulder up a hill and watching it roll down. *

Cliff's Notes.
Nutshell.
Cliff's Noteshell.


* A solid workout.
And gym membership is usually expensive.
A life of sin gets you into this one for free...
(Go ahead and add your own joke about exercising demons.)

Sinner.
Aerobics.
Sinnaerobics.

Unicornea

Unicorn.
Cornea.
Unicornea.

They say not to look a gift horse in the mouth.

Especially if the horse has a horn that could poke your eye out.

Horse.
Sense.
Horsense.

Halitosiris

Halitosis.
Osiris.
Halitosiris.

Egyptian god of death breath.

(If you were surrounded by the dead constantly, your breath would probably suffer as well.
As would your loved ones.
Thank god* for an understanding spouse.)

Nice.
Isis.
Nicis.


* Though when you yourself are a god, your thanks might not have that far to go.

Unless you're not allowed to self-thank, if it's like when you work retail, and another employee has to ring up your purchases even though you know well enough how to use the register and your manager would trust you not to take any more than you paid for and you could easily steal whatever you wanted no matter what, but the rules are the rules, so no need to buck policy, and you'll thank a different god if you need to.
Jesus.**

Employee.
Yeesh.
Employeesh.


** Jesus could be the other god that Osiris thanks.

Polytheism.
Theoretically.
Polytheoretically.

Aphroditinerary

Aphrodite.
Itinerary.
Aphroditinerary.

I love to travel.

Or at least, I do travel and I love what I do when I do travel.

Perform.
Formula.
Performula.

I was recently invited to perform in two different places on the same weekend.

And without technology that either doesn't exist or that I'm not rich enough to know about, I can't do both.

Teleport.
Poor.
Telepoor.

So I must choose between Atlanta and Portland.

Because if I try to compromise...

Georgia.
Oregon.
Gorgon.

...I end up in the middle of the country with a creature so ugly I turn to stone.

Medusa.
USA.
MedUSA.

Theseuseless

Theseus.
Useless.
Theseuseless.

Sure, he SAYS he killed the Minotaur.

But did anyone see it happen?

He could have just killed a dude and a bull and then glued their parts together.

And then taken the leftovers and made a makeshift centaur.*

Resourceful.
Foolish.
Resourcefoolish.


* If "taurus" means bull, why doesn't "centaur" mean 100 bulls?
Why does it mean half man, half horse?

That's bull.
Times 100.

Aha!

Leprechaunches

Leprechaun.
Haunches.
Leprechaunches.

What he sits back on, before springing into action to prevent you from stealing his* secret pot of gold.

Treasure.
Surreptitious.
Treasurreptitious.


* Is it sexist to say "he" to refer to a leprechaun whose gender is unknown?
What about the fact that I've never seen a female leprechaun?
Do female leprechauns exist?
I mean, do they exist even less than male leprechauns do?

Sexist.
Existence.
Sexistence.

What about a unicorn with two corns? (A bicorn?)
Is that even more fictitious than just a plain old, boring unicorn?

What about one with three horns?
(I know, that's a triceratops.)

Rhino.
Dinosaur.
Rhinosaur.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, don't try to steal gold from a female triceratops.

And if only male leprechauns do exist, it makes sense why they'd be down with rainbows.

(Stereotype alert!
Are they gay because of the rainbow, or Jewish because of the gold?
Answer: they got so drunk that they forgot what stereotypes to fulfill, because they're Irish.)

Stereotype.
Typology.
Stereotypology.

(That can also read as "stereotype apology.")

Tastyx

Tasty.
Styx.
Tastyx.

It might be delicious, but it's probably best to avoid drinking from the river that brings you to the underworld, unless you're literally dying of thirst and you'll end up there anyway.

Hades.
Desperate.
Hadesperate.

Achilles got dunked in the river, and see what eventually happened to him...

Achilles.
Lesson.
Achillesson.

So, if you must drink river water, try one that doesn't border the land of the dead.

Mississippi.
Sippy-cup.
Mississippy-cup.

Dragonorrhea

Dragon.
Gonorrhea.
Dragonorrhea.

This may include a burning sensation, due to actual fire being excreted.

Though there may be no symptoms at all, due to dragons not existing and all.

(Other than at Loch Ness, of course.)

Nessie.
Syphilis.
Nessiphilis.