Alive.
Ivory.
Alivory.
Describing the way an elephant's soul lives on in its tusks after it's been killed and they've been removed.
Mammoth.
Otherworldly.
Mammotherworldly.
Just kidding, it doesn't!
Humor.
Morbid.
Humorbid.
Elephants don't have souls!
Animal.
Malformed.
Animalformed.
But don't worry, neither do people!
Phew.
Human.
Phewman.
So be nice to those soulless beasts, even though your essence won't be tortured eternally if you're not.
Spirit.
Writhing.
Spirithing.
(See also Babar Mitzvah.)
Showing posts with label elephants. Show all posts
Showing posts with label elephants. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Babar Mitzvah
Babar.
Bar Mitzvah.
Babar Mitzvah.
The day an elephant REALLY never forgets, because it is the day he becomes a man.
Which is the reverse of most bar mitzvahs, where Jewish boys hit puberty and start growing all misshapen and having skin problems like an elephant.*
Pachyderm.
Dermatology.
Pachydermatology.
* If only their tusks weren't made of ivory but rather of Ivory soap.
One of nature's great ironies.
Also, doves are not made of Dove soap.
Though I don't know what Dove itself is made of.
(I'm no soapsmith.)
The dove is meant to represent peace, so it would probably make a soothing body bar.
Soapy.
Peaceful.
Soapeaceful.
Bar Mitzvah.
Babar Mitzvah.
The day an elephant REALLY never forgets, because it is the day he becomes a man.
Which is the reverse of most bar mitzvahs, where Jewish boys hit puberty and start growing all misshapen and having skin problems like an elephant.*
Pachyderm.
Dermatology.
Pachydermatology.
* If only their tusks weren't made of ivory but rather of Ivory soap.
One of nature's great ironies.
Also, doves are not made of Dove soap.
Though I don't know what Dove itself is made of.
(I'm no soapsmith.)
The dove is meant to represent peace, so it would probably make a soothing body bar.
Soapy.
Peaceful.
Soapeaceful.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Machopsticks
Macho.
Chopsticks.
Machopsticks.
It's difficult to look tough while eating with chopsticks.
Not like eating with a knife and knife, where you can totally intimidate your food through aggressive posturing.
Confucius actually declared this the reason to use chopsticks--to avoid equating dining with anything violent.
Violent.
Lentils.
Violents.
Of course, being stabbed through the heart with a chopstick seems even more vicious than using a knife.
Which is why Confucius never got much backing from the vampire lobby.
Nor the environmental lobby, as an estimated 90 billion chopsticks are thrown away per year, which comes out to approximately 25 million full-grown trees, or who knows how many bonsai trees.
(Probably all of them.)
Sounds pretty aggressive to the trees.
And what non-violent tools are they using to cut down these trees?*
That is, however, only when chopsticks are made out of wood.
They can also be created from bronze or other metals, plastic, ivory, or bone.
(Depending what wedding anniversary you're on.)
Wooden.
Denied.
Woodenied.
Ivory or bone?
There we go, much less violent.
e.g. "Pronged utensils are too aggressive!
Now, let's take down that mammoth and use its tusks to make instruments of tranquility!
Also pull out its skeleton, that will also come in handy on our mission of peace!"
Which also brings up the question, what tools did they use to bring down such creatures and extract the bone and ivory?*
Weapon.
Pontification.
Weapontification.
It actually turns out that they only use the bones and ivory from VAMPIRE elephants.
And violence against the undead is universally accepted.
Even by Confucius and environmentalists.
By everyone.
(Everyone except the vampire lobby, of course.
But they couldn't make it to the meeting to voice their objections, as their elephant transport had gone missing.)
* Answer: martial arts, which is technically self-defense.
Totally acceptable.
Chopsticks.
Machopsticks.
It's difficult to look tough while eating with chopsticks.
Not like eating with a knife and knife, where you can totally intimidate your food through aggressive posturing.
Confucius actually declared this the reason to use chopsticks--to avoid equating dining with anything violent.
Violent.
Lentils.
Violents.
Of course, being stabbed through the heart with a chopstick seems even more vicious than using a knife.
Which is why Confucius never got much backing from the vampire lobby.
Nor the environmental lobby, as an estimated 90 billion chopsticks are thrown away per year, which comes out to approximately 25 million full-grown trees, or who knows how many bonsai trees.
(Probably all of them.)
Sounds pretty aggressive to the trees.
And what non-violent tools are they using to cut down these trees?*
That is, however, only when chopsticks are made out of wood.
They can also be created from bronze or other metals, plastic, ivory, or bone.
(Depending what wedding anniversary you're on.)
Wooden.
Denied.
Woodenied.
Ivory or bone?
There we go, much less violent.
e.g. "Pronged utensils are too aggressive!
Now, let's take down that mammoth and use its tusks to make instruments of tranquility!
Also pull out its skeleton, that will also come in handy on our mission of peace!"
Which also brings up the question, what tools did they use to bring down such creatures and extract the bone and ivory?*
Weapon.
Pontification.
Weapontification.
It actually turns out that they only use the bones and ivory from VAMPIRE elephants.
And violence against the undead is universally accepted.
Even by Confucius and environmentalists.
By everyone.
(Everyone except the vampire lobby, of course.
But they couldn't make it to the meeting to voice their objections, as their elephant transport had gone missing.)
* Answer: martial arts, which is technically self-defense.
Totally acceptable.
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