Derogatorah

Derogatory.
Torah.
Derogatorah.

The books of the Bible written by your stereotypical Jewish mother that tell you how you never write or call enough.

Parental.
Talmud.
Parentalmud.

Stigmatari

Stigmata.
Atari.
Stigmatari.

A video game so awesome you play it until you bleed from the crucifixion wounds.

Sorry, Sega Genesis, you're not the only system with a biblical name now.

Psalm.
Palm Pilot.
Psalm Pilot.

Amoe-Bay

Amoeba.
E-Bay.
Amoe-Bay.

How much would you pay for a one-celled organism?

Well, what if I told you that you could get two for the price of one? (If you wait long enough for the asexual reproduction to kick in.)

Mitosis.
System.
Mitosystem.

Also, did Noah bring two amoebae onto the ark? Because he didn't have to!

Technicality.
Itty-Bitty.
Technicalitty-Bitty.

Chosense

Chosen.
Sense.
Chosense.

If you had to pick between being blind or deaf, which would it be?

What's more important, seeing or hearing?

Eye.
Ear.
Eyear.*

Well, the very first thing God said was "Let there be LIGHT," not "Let there be SOUND."

So that could indicate where HIS priorities lay.

Video.
Deity.
Videity.

Of course, he did SAY it audibly, which means there already WAS sound, AND the lights were powered by it (the earliest voice activation system on record).

Audio.
Dios.
Audios.

Back to square one.

But the thing that's most clear is this:
no one cares about the plight of people who can't smell (the smell-less?).

They don't even have their own word like "deaf" or "blind" (and putting "smell" and "less" together would have three L's in a row, which isn't even allowed).

And no one is even talking about this disrespect. Until now.

Aroma.
Matters.
Aromatters.


* "Eyear" is the sound one eventually makes when confronted with this hypothetical decision.

(Which is an unpleasant one, and could potentially tip the balance towards the selection of deafness, so as to not have to hear it?)

Aurality.
Tiebreaker.
Auralitiebreaker.

Poultriceratops

Poultry.
Triceratops.
Poultriceratops.

Even dinosaur tastes like chicken.

Tasty.
Stegosaurus.
Tastegosaurus.

And chicken didn't even exist back then. But cavemen knew.

Flavor.
Voracious.
Flavoracious.

You know, cavemen who co-existed with dinosaurs, like you see in animated documentaries and the Bible.

Flintstone.
Honesty.
Flintstonesty.

But they weren't loving pets, like Fred and Wilma would have you believe.

Domestic.
Ticked Off.
Domesticked Off.

They were enemies, like humans and chickens are today.

Hatred.
Edible.
Hatredible.

What I'm saying is, cavemen put dinosaurs in cages, tortured them, harvested their unborn young for omelettes, and the ones that grew up would get eaten out of buckets they got from the local KFD on the way home.*

Become.
Omelette.
Becomelette.


* In their car that runs on the power of the driver's feet. The Flinstones got that part right.

Which means despite the horribly unethical treatment of animals that they share with modern days, at least their technologies were running a lot greener than ours.

Retort.
Torture.
Retorture.

Dilapelated

Dilapidated.
Elated.
Dilapelated.

Radio Shack is still in business as Circuit City is going under.
A shack defeats an entire city?
See what you can do when you keep your overhead low, and your facility tiny and run-down?

It's happened before.
The Cheesecake Factory destroyed the arrogant Pastry Palace.
Pizza Hut beat out the spiffy Spaghetti Estates.
Dress Barn* took down Fancy Pants Mansion.
The list goes on... **
Even in the Bible, the sad sack King David defeated the elegant Goliath.

Now, this post was originally going to be about a crappy DVD player that Radio Shack sold me; and the fact that to get a new one from the warranty company I would have to mail the defective player back even though trapped inside of it was a DVD I own that's worth half of what the DVD player costs to begin with; and the fact that if I broke the DVD player trying to get it out the warranty would be voided; and my eventual victory over that situation by taking the DVD player apart, removing my DVD, and putting it back together without damaging, experiencing the masculine pride of not breaking something that I've so often heard about, in an alternate version of the small Jew defeating something larger than himself...

But then I thought of the phrase "Fancy Pants Mansion," and nothing else seemed to matter.


* In doing research for this post, I came across a list of business names that included both "Dress Barn" and "Dressbarn Woman," separate businesses.
Finally, a place specifically designed for WOMEN to buy dresses. Sexism is coming to an end, my friends.

** If you'd like...
The Sunglass Hut ruined the Visor Kingdom.
Pottery Barn conquered the Ceramic Castle.
Burlington Coat Factory won out over Burlington Coat Cathedral.
Crate and Barrel outlasted the Nice Room Filled With Crates And Barrels.
The, um, Furniture Igloo... defeated the Ottoman Empire.
(Actually that empire was done in by the failure of its own economic structure.)

And there are a few exceptions, like I don't know where White Castle fits in.
But by and large, you get the idea.

Blessinged

Blessing.
Singed.
Blessinged.

When a Bible burns you to the touch.

Which can make for a great practical joke.
Especially if you can figure out how to heat up a book without burning it.*

If you can do that, you've also got a great new marketing opportunity.

"Smokin' hot Bibles for sale! Trick your friends into thinking they're evil, when in fact it is you who are the evil one! Fun for the whole family!"

Sacrilegious.
Hilarious.
Sacrilarious.


* One way to accomplish this: make a deal with the devil.
(Much more practical than the alternative: make the book out of metal.)

Populust

Populus.
Lust.
Populust.

Overpopulation.
There are too many people.
Because of too many people's sexual attraction.

Attraction to the idea that there should be too many people.

The Bible says to be fruitful and multiply.
Made a lot of sense for a time when people might have been in danger of dying out.
We could probably benefit from switching it up...
Be fruitful and add? (Support adoption.)
Be fruitful and divide? (Don't know how that would work. Some sort of fusion?)
Or subtract, ideally.

I doubt we can get that changed in the Bible though.
Amendment of a commandment?
But maybe we can change the interpretation.

Be fruitful and multiply? No no, that doesn't mean have a lot of kids.
It means eat a lot of oranges and do a lot of math.
Math that will tell you how much of a problem overpopulation might be if you keep having a lot of kids.
Kids who probably don't eat enough oranges. And thus get diabetes, obesity, and scurvy.

Diabetes.
Obesity.
Diobesity.

At least those might help fight overpopulation as well.

Make for more of a global balance.

Global.
Balance.
Globalance.