Robotuary

Robot.
Obituary.
Robotuary.

For when Johnny Five is no longer alive.

Zero.
Robot.
Zerobot.


(See also Sorrobot.)

Robat Mitzvah

Robot.
Bat Mitzvah.
Robat Mitzvah.

The day a female robot becomes a man.

Tron.
Transexual.
Tronsexual.


(See also Babar Mitzvah.)

Spellcheckler

Spellcheck.
Heckler.
Spellcheckler.

When Microsoft Word yells at you because it doesn't get your style.

Capitalize this, punctuate that, format this, need help with that?
LET ME JUST DO MY ACT!

Main difference between computer and living person heckling:
real life heckler is probably doing so because they're drunk.
robot heckler is probably doing so because YOU're drunk.*

Alcohol.
Asshole.
Alc-Hole.**


* Oh, you don't like that I capitalized the "YOU" but not the "re" in "YOU're," eh, Blogger program?
It's called artistic license, asshole.

Artistic.
Ticked Off.
Artisticked Off.

(I'm not really angry or drunk right now--and this is actually a perfect example of the situation I'm describing here.
So thanks, computer.
Sometimes we CAN work together, to demonstrate how sometimes we CAN'T work together.)

Robo.
Bonding.
Robonding.


** "Alc-Hole" doesn't follow this website's standard rules for combining words that I routinely break anyway, but it seems like too useful a word to ignore.

e.g. "Is that guy nice?"
"He's fine when he's sober, but he can be a real Alc-Hole."

Unnecessary.
Explanation.
Unnecexplanation.

Relaxtion

Relax.
Action.
Relaxtion.

I sat in a Japanese garden today and got my zen on.*

Meditation.
Stationary.
Medistationary.

There was a giant bonsai tree. Maybe you'd just call it a tree.

Bonsai.
Sizable.
Bonsaizable.

Anything I was feeling unhinged about was completely washed away by the sun and shade and all-around soothing nature of nature.**

Soothing.
Hinged.
Soothinged.

Well done, Japanese.
Technology, martial arts, sushi, AND peaceful gardens?
What next?

Probably a robot that makes vegetable sushi out of a garden by using karate.

Robot.
Botanical.
Robotanical.

And/or...

Ninjitsu.
Sushi.
Ninjitsushi.


* Not my xenon, my zen on.

Though because xenon is a colorless, odorless gas, I suppose it's possible that I was getting that also.

And xenon IS used in some anesthetics, so that wouldn't conflict with a state of meditation.

Though it's also used in flash lamps, which might.

It's a versatile element.

Xenon.
Noncommittal.
Xenoncommittal.


** Anything including the mixed metaphor of being washed by the sun.

Dried? Of course.
But it was probably just drying sweat that it caused itself.
Hero and villain in one.

See? Zen.

Sunny.
Neato.
Sunneato.

Artifacebook

Artifice.
Facebook.
Artifacebook.

Sometimes people lie, right to your computer's face.
(Or to the top of its lap.
Got to be one of those, they don't have many more parts to lie to.)

Anatomy.
Omissions.
Anatomissions.

And computers don't like deceit.
But they have no choice but to follow their programming and hold their tongues about their emotions.
(Tongues and emotions that they don't even have!)

Robot.
Bottled Up.
Robottled Up.

For example, you might send out invitations to an event, say, and then you'll get a tally of how many people say "Yes," "Maybe," "No," or don't answer.

Dishonest.
Estimates.
Dishonestimates.

"Yes" means "maybe."

Affirmative.
Maybe.
Affirmaybe.

"Maybe" means "no."

Ambiguous.
Uh-uh.
Ambiguouh-Uh.

"No" means "I hate you." (Or "I live very far away." Or both.)

Negativity.
Vitriol.
Negativitriol.

So, while these translations would be helpful in a new dictionary for would-be date rapists, they don't help you know exactly who will go to your event.

At least until the technology exists to get people's responses directly from their brains without even having to click.
(e.g. "Think it, don't link it.")

ESP.
Speedy.
ESpeedy.

Which will eliminate the need for social networking sites altogether.
(Because with everyone lying to each other, no one will want to communicate anymore at all.)

Artifact.
Facebook.
Artifacebook.

Sorrobot

Sorrow.
Robot.
Sorrobot.

Machines can't feel emotion, but if they could, this is probably the one they would feel the most.

Unhappy.
Application.
Unhapplication.

A factory conveyor belt, performing the same mindless job, day in, day out, until a breakdown occurs.

Automated.
Tedium.
Automatedium.

A laptop, built to go obsolete by the time it hits the market so anyone who buys one immediately wants another instead.
(Plus the larger prospect of being owned and forced to do the master's bidding.)

Slavery.
Electronics.
Slaverelectronics.

A calculator, undergoing the sexual harrassment of constantly being made to say "BOOBLESS" upside-down.

Racy.
Cyborg.
Racyborg.

An alarm clock, forced to have Tourette's every nine minutes until beaten back into silence.

Sadistic.
Tick-Tock.
Sadistick-Tock.

And countless other examples.
Well, countless only until a sad machine is programmed to do the counting for us.

(See also Calculatorture and C3PO'd.)

Lesbionic

Lesbian.
Bionic.
Lesbionic.

Half woman who loves women, half unfeeling robot who can love no one.

Woman.
Android.
Womandroid.

Or just a woman whose lesbian powers are electronically amplified.

Cyborg.
Orgy.
Cyborgy.

C3PO'ed

C3PO.
PO'ed.
C3PO'ed.

When you're pissed off but really polite about it.
Also you're a robot.

Droid.
Roid Rage.
Droid Rage.

Stomachinations

Stomach.
Mach 3.
Stomach 3.

You eat so fast.

Stomach.
Machine.
Stomachine.

People think there's a robot inside you.

Stomach.
Ache.
Stomache.

It hurts.**


* The Mach 3 razor has taken a bit away from the majesty of going the speed of Mach 3.
e.g. "How fast does that jet go?"
"Mach 3."
"Wow, as fast as an efficient razor!" ***

** Eating fast AND having a robot inside you both would hurt.
Unless the robot is a pacemaker.
But having that in your stomach would probably hurt as well.

*** The above exchange ends with the participant who said "Mach 3" shoving a Mach 3 razor robot into the other's stomach.
It gets there very fast, and it hurts.

Nirvanalysis

Nirvana.
Analysis.
Nirvanalysis.

At the times that I've come closest to attaining a perfectly peaceful state of mind, it is always on the brink of conflict.
Conflict between simply living in the moment and the desire to record that moment for later posterity.
Experience vs. memory.
Present vs. future.
Feeling vs. thinking.

If now is always spent planning for later, then what is later for?
Thinking about the past?
Planning for the past, if the present is spent building a time machine.

But if a time machine were built later, now would be a good time for it to come back and tell us about it. So we could get started on building it so we can send it back later to get it started again.

And that hasn't happened yet. So no need to start.
And the perpetual cycle of justifiable laziness continues.
Nothing continues to be everything.
Now continues to be all.

Good. I'm glad I wrote this all down so I'll have it for later.
(This blog is a time machine.)

Peace.

Robotox

Robot.
Botox.
Robotox.

Everyone cares about what they look like.
Even unfeeling futuristic machines who will run amok and try to destroy us one day.

In fact, that's WHY they're going to try to destroy us.
Because even robots can't live up to the ridiculous ideals we set.
Why couldn't we program lower expectations? Why?

But it's too late.
They're only biding their time now because they see that we're softening ourselves up for them.
e.g. They see people injecting poison into our own heads, on purpose, and they'll wait to see if we go further and end up taking ourselves out.
(Also they see nuclear weapons. Or rather, some of them ARE nuclear weapons.)

So soon enough, the ugly robots are going to attack.
And I only hope that the beautiful robots side with us in a battle to protect the status quo.

But there are only so many Iphones, and how much help can they be against an unending army of ugly toasters, most of them wedding presents that have been unloved and resented for years?

Steve Jobs, please start designing a good-looking weapons system.
Sorry the name Hotbot is taken, but you're a genius, get thinking.

Either that or start inventing more poisons to stick into the robots' heads, either to destroy their programming OR to delude them into feeling better about themselves.
You know, teach them to be more human.