Genee-Jerk

Genie.
Knee-Jerk.
Genee-Jerk.

Don't react immediately when a magical being tells you you have three wishes.

First, make sure it's not one of those vindictive ones that will purposefully misinterpret your words to give you literally what you asked for but figuratively big problems.

e.g. You ask to be the richest person in the world, so the genie kills everyone else.

Genie.
Genocide.
Genie-cide.

Also, it might not even be a genie, but the devil in disguise trying to steal your soul.

If that's the case, go through all the motions and then when he tries to claim it, you can say, "No, I said you could have my SOLE. Of my shoe. Take the whole thing. In fact, take both. I'm feeling magnanimous."

Genie.
Generous.
Genie-rous.*

Then you just go to the genie and ask for a new pair.

And then he gives you a piece of fruit.

Which is way more delicious than losing your soul.

Genie.
Needless to Say.
Geneedless to Say.



* That one wasn't actually even about the genie, sorry.

Devil.
Illegitimate.
Devillegitimate.

Paypalestine

Paypal.
Palestine.
Paypalestine.

An independent state, if enough people donate.

Donate.
National.
Donational.

Millmore

Millard.
Fillmore.
Millmore.

We already spend so little time talking about this guy.

Why not cut down even more?

Two syllables for the price of three!

Unimpress.
President.
Unimpresident.

Expedietary

Expedite.
Dietary.
Expedietary.

A get-rich-quick scheme and a get-thin-quick scheme combined:

Stop buying food!

As religious groups say, abstinence is the only method that's 100%.

Starvin'.
Vindication.
Starvindication.

Creditched

Credit.
Ditched.
Creditched.

I lost my Amazon Visa card tonight.

I believe I left it at a restaurant, but just in case it was actually stolen by a criminal who was too lazy to use it immediately, I had the credit card company put it on temporary hold.

So, sorry, vegetarian establishment where I left the card--you can't start funding new tofu technologies on MY dime*, try some OTHER business model.

(Maybe the one you were already using that seems to be thriving--charging large amounts of money for small amounts of food.)

Vegan.
Entrepeneur.
Vegentrepeneur.

I wonder though, if I hadn't put the card on hold, and someone had run up loads of charges on MY quarter**, would I be able to cash in the Amazon gift credits that ensued before claiming (legitimately) that I wasn't responsible?

It wouldn't be the first time I got something for nothing from Amazon, but that's a story for another day (after the statute of limitations has expired--talk to you guys in seven years, or however many the real number is***).

Amazon.
Exonerated.
Amazonerated.


* Not my actual credit limit. I'm doing pretty well.

Switcheroo.
Roosevelt.
Switcheroosevelt.


** Also not my actual credit limit. But closer.

Washington.
Tonnage.
Washingtonnage.


*** If there IS a real number... because maybe there's no crime at all, just artistic license.

Or maybe there's an astute artistic criminal that you can learn from, if you know the right questions not to ask (until the right time).

Statute.
Tutelage.
Statutelage.

Wallettuce

Wallet.
Lettuce.
Wallettuce.

Money.

(Especially for a vegan.)

Dispatched.
Cheddar.
Dispatcheddar.

Nymphomercial

Nympho.
Infomercial.
Nymphomercial.

The kind of ad they run really late at night.

(Generally geared towards people who are up and busy not being in a relationship.)

Advertising.
Single.
Advertisingle.

Ignorrors

Ignore.
Horrors.
Ignorrors.

What needs to be done to enjoy life sometimes.

There's a lot of bad stuff going on all the time.

Genocide, poverty, sickness, starvation, war, torture, Dopey.*

It can be a downer to think about it all, so just do what you can to fight it or at least avoid contributing to it (donate money and food, don't get people sick, heal them if you can, don't torture or genocide people, you know, whatever you can manage), but then try not to let it bog you down.

Amnesia.
Easy-Going.
Amneasy-Going.


* The seven dwarves in a gritty new remake of Snow White.

Disney.
Sneer.
Disneer.

Amoe-Bay

Amoeba.
E-Bay.
Amoe-Bay.

How much would you pay for a one-celled organism?

Well, what if I told you that you could get two for the price of one? (If you wait long enough for the asexual reproduction to kick in.)

Mitosis.
System.
Mitosystem.

Also, did Noah bring two amoebae onto the ark? Because he didn't have to!

Technicality.
Itty-Bitty.
Technicalitty-Bitty.

Citrusty

Citrus.
Trusty.
Citrusty.

When life gives you lemons, make sure you return those lemons to the person they belong to.

I once saw a breeze blow a dollar out of a subway performer's guitar case without her noticing, so I retrieved and replaced it.

She smiled as though I was giving her a brand new dollar that she hadn't already earned, when in reality I was merely not stealing from her.*

Lemonade.
Aiding and Abetting.
Lemonading and Abetting.


* If not not stealing, at least not being an accomplice to a crime being committed by a gusty universe.

Windy.
Diabolical.
Windiabolical.

Vegetabully

Vegetable.
Bully.
Vegetabully.

The neighborhood aggressor who takes your lunch money and spends it on health food.

Salad.
Addition.
Saladdition.

Which is probably better than what you would have spent it on.

He's a utilitarian, really.

Ethical.
Calculator.
Ethicalculator.

Someone who's thinking globally and acting locally about the obesity problem.

Morbidly.
Liaison.
Morbidliaison.

A modern day Robin Hood, robbing from the fat.

(Which is pretty simple, as the fat are not great at giving chase.
It's like taking candy from a baby.*)

Slow.
Obese.
Slobese.

So you may not always have your lunch, but you also may not get diabetes.

Diabetes.
Beaten.
Diabeaten.

Talk about having your cake and not eating it too.
Because someone took it.
For your own good.

Hordes.
Desserts.
Hordesserts.


* Taking candy from a baby has such a bad rap.
But it's really the best thing FOR the baby.
I mean, do they really want to start rotting the almost no teeth they hardly have already?

Burden.
Dental.
Burdental.

Forgetaway

Forget.
Getaway.
Forgetaway.

The almost perfect crime: every detail in place, minus remembering to leave.

Outlaw.
Awful.
Outlawful.

Always keep in mind that you have to head to another bank if you want to deposit the money you stole.

Robbing.
Bingo.
Robbingo.

Fiscalamity

Fiscal.
Calamity.
Fiscalamity.

You might notice that I haven't posted much about the current economic crisis, mostly because I don't fully understand the current economic crisis.

Economy.
Omission.
Economission.

Some people don't have money. I get that.
But I don't really get where money came from.*
I hear in the beginning it was based in gold, but not anymore.

Doubloons.
Onset.
Doubloonset.

Actually, in the beginning, there was probably no gold or money or anything.**

People just gathered and hunted for their own stuff, and then maybe traded stuff for other stuff. What a ridiculous idea.

Finance.
Antiquated.
Financiquated.

Someone must have decided that this system of direct trading wasn't good enough.
And that's when money must have come about.

There was no money, and then there WAS money.
So let's just do that again. Problem solved!

Magical.
Calculation.
Magicalculation.

I'm not sure how it happened, though. I'm not a historian either.
So, how about people who have lots of money just give some of that money to people who don't have enough money?

Too simple and reasonable or un-American? Okay, how about this instead?

Maybe poor people can put their poorness up for bidding on an online auction, and rich people can purchase it.
Because for the person who thinks they have everything money can buy, poorness is the one thing they definitely DON'T have, and thus should be the thing they want the most.

Problem double-solved!

E-Bay.
Bailout.
E-Bailout.


* Maybe from a pit? I think I heard about that in a movie.

Cinema.
Money.
Cinemoney.

Sounds tasty.


** In the beginning, the first thing there was, was light (as I understand it).
THEN gold.

Light from god, money from the devil.
(In the form of an apple, which probably just stood in for gold by way of the barter system. Like I said, it's complicated and I don't fully understand financial dealings. But I do know that I like apples.)

Fruitful.
Fulfillment.
Fruitfulfillment.

Midusa

Midas.
Medusa.
Midusa.

Someone who can take the people he's turned into stone and turn them into gold.

Alchemist.
Mister.
Alchemister.

(See also Aphroditinerary.)

Authwhore

Author.
Whore.
Authwhore.

Someone who sells books for money.

Literature.
Torrid.
Literaturrid.

Chagrinch

Chagrin.
Grinch.
Chagrinch.

Being greedy makes you sad.

All greed gets you is money, which can't buy happiness.*

Whimper.
Purchase.
Whimpurchase.

Money can only buy you ephemeral moments of pleasure, which if strung together closely and consistently and in enough volume can still only provide a perfect ILLUSION of happiness, but not happiness itself.

Illusion.
Loser.
Illuser

Happiness itself takes hard work, being conscientious, and experiencing enough sadness to have a good framework of comparison.

Being happy is no walk in the park.

Ambulate.
Elated.
Ambelated.

Now you may say, I enjoy walks in the park. They make me happy.

They only make you THINK you're happy.
But what do you know?
Nothing.
You're ignorant.

Nihilist.
Listen.
Nihilisten.

Then you might say, ignorance is bliss.
But how did you know to say that, if you're so ignorant?

Happiness is a logical paradox.

Buddhist.
Discourse.
Buddhiscourse.


* Also, greed can get you THINGS.
But these things also can't be exchanged for happiness.
Only for store credit.

Commerce.
Mercy.
Commercy.

Auctionear-Sighted

Auctioneer.
Near-Sighted.
Auctionear-Sighted.

"Sold to the man in the first row, the only person I can see!"

Electrickshaw

Electric.
Rickshaw.
Electrickshaw.

Reinventing the wheels.

Automobile.
Billionaire.
Automobillionaire.

Ghostracize

Ghost.
Ostracize.
Ghostracize.

Casper must get picked on by the less friendly spirits.

Unless they just suck up to him because he's friendly with Richie Rich. *

Ghoul.
Ulterior.
Ghoulterior.


* If evil things are concerned with money, that is.
(I heard something once about the two going together.)

Demon.
Monetary.
Demonetary.

Buffetus

Buffet.
Fetus.
Buffetus.

It may someday be possible to select your child's characteristics before they are born, to make sure they are as healthy as possible.

Prenatal.
Talisman.
Prenatalisman.

It makes sense--we can purify water these days, why not genetic material?
Just put the DNA through a Brita.

Water.
Terrific.
Waterrific.

Potential diseases could be eliminated. Also freckles.
All kinds of horrible things.

Then, beyond health concerns, it might be additionally possible to choose things like your child's hair color or height or the shape of their nose, perhaps to make them look like an honored dead relative (before they were dead).

Premortem.
Temperament.
Premortemperament.

But is it really up to us to determine what we want our children to be like?
Who are we to make such decisions?

Shouldn't it really be up to the beauty and fashion industries once they're born and ready to be brainwashed by movies and magazines?

How will the reality television industry survive?
What will happen to all the shows where people get plastic surgery when they want to look like celebrities, or when their friends want them to be less ugly?

Celebrity.
Retarded.
Celebritarded.

Did you think about that, science?
You're supposed to be the thing that cares about thinking.

But what kind of world are you thinking us into?

Future.
Turmoil.
Futurmoil.

But fear not, world. Fear not, science.
Economics will handle this:
Because not everyone will be able to afford the wondrous new God-ignoring, child-fixing technology that's available, nothing will change in the big picture, in the grand scheme, in the unnatural order of things.

The rich get richer, and the poor stay uglier.

Except for the lucky few who are blessed by the grace of God to turn out exactly how society demands they be.

Hallelujah.
Lucrative.
Hallelucrative.