APB&J

APB.
PB&J.
APB&J.

Wanted: sandwich, dead or alive.

Probably dead. Eating a living thing sounds weird.

Unless you're a vampire. Which also sounds weird.

Undead.
Edible.
Undedible.

KATGIF

KATG.
TGIF.
KATGIF.

Keith and the Girl is fun.

(That's what that whole expression could stand for.)

It's a podcast that I appear on regularly enough that I feel fine saying I appear on it regularly.

This entry would probably be most appropriate if I were appearing on it today, Friday.

But sometimes the universe doesn't work perfectly.

For example, Pluto's not a planet anymore, and I'm not on the show again until this coming Tuesday. Also tomorrow for their 1000th show-xtravaganza.

But that's perfect enough, isn't it? (Except for Pluto. Sorry!*)

Podcast.
Astronomy.
Podcastronomy.


* My childhood peers will just have to content ourselves with the idea that "my very educated mother just served us nine..." without referencing what nine things she served us.

Perhaps she's educated enough to assume that we'll put it together.

Or we just all have to deal with the fact that someone stole our pickles.

Pickle.
Klepto.
Picklepto.

Cryogenixon

Cryogenics.
Nixon.
Cryogenixon.

What if Tricky Dick wasn't really dead, but just frozen?

That would be really tricky.

However, if you're really tricky, 1) you don't put "tricky" in your nickname, that gives it away, and 2) you don't get caught stealing.

My Country 'Tis of Thee.
Thievery.
My Country 'Tis of Thievery.

Swashbuckleptomaniac

Swashbuckle.
Kleptomaniac.
Swashbuckleptomaniac.

Someone who can't help but steal swords from pirates.

Which usually requires having a sword and excellent swashbuckling skills to begin with.

But how do you acquire those without already having a sword?

It's a bit of a double-edged sword.
(A double-edged sword that the klepto would first purchase, in order to avoid this circularity.)

Blade.
Adept.
Bladept.

Creditched

Credit.
Ditched.
Creditched.

I lost my Amazon Visa card tonight.

I believe I left it at a restaurant, but just in case it was actually stolen by a criminal who was too lazy to use it immediately, I had the credit card company put it on temporary hold.

So, sorry, vegetarian establishment where I left the card--you can't start funding new tofu technologies on MY dime*, try some OTHER business model.

(Maybe the one you were already using that seems to be thriving--charging large amounts of money for small amounts of food.)

Vegan.
Entrepeneur.
Vegentrepeneur.

I wonder though, if I hadn't put the card on hold, and someone had run up loads of charges on MY quarter**, would I be able to cash in the Amazon gift credits that ensued before claiming (legitimately) that I wasn't responsible?

It wouldn't be the first time I got something for nothing from Amazon, but that's a story for another day (after the statute of limitations has expired--talk to you guys in seven years, or however many the real number is***).

Amazon.
Exonerated.
Amazonerated.


* Not my actual credit limit. I'm doing pretty well.

Switcheroo.
Roosevelt.
Switcheroosevelt.


** Also not my actual credit limit. But closer.

Washington.
Tonnage.
Washingtonnage.


*** If there IS a real number... because maybe there's no crime at all, just artistic license.

Or maybe there's an astute artistic criminal that you can learn from, if you know the right questions not to ask (until the right time).

Statute.
Tutelage.
Statutelage.

Albanished

Albany.
Banished.
Albanished.

Did a show last night in Troy, NY.

Afterwards, I was told that I shouldn't hang around the streets of Troy after dark, because it was "like the Bronx," and that if I wanted to have fun and be safe, I would have to do that in Albany.

So I went to Albany and mugged people for fun, safely.

Criminal.
Minimal.
Criminimal.

Furnuturing

Furniture.
Nurturing.
Furnurturing.

My girlfriend rearranged our furniture while I was away this weekend.

AND she told me about it, so I wouldn't hurt myself when walking into the apartment.*

She loves me!

Feng Shui.
Sweetheart.
Feng Shweetheart.


* Not that she put a big spike face-level at the entryway.

Or rigged paint cans to attack if an unsuspecting burglar or boyfriend tried to get in.

She just made some genius decisions about where to put a couch and chairs to get much better usage out of our space than we were previously achieving with less motivated decisions about where to leave piles of paper and clothing.

Home Sweet Home.
Home Alone.
Home Sweet Home Alone.**


** Except not alone, together. We live together.

(See also Unkempty.)

Solarceny

Solar.
Larceny.
Solarceny.

When the moon steals the spotlight from the sun.

Eclipsing.
Singularity.
Eclipsingularity.

Evictim

Evict.
Victim.
Evictim.

A person forced out of their home.

Or a phrase that is uttered to make that happen.

Or, with a different inflection, the loser in an online scam.
(Especially if the scam involves being forced out of one's home, while someone yells "Evict'em!")

Scam.
Computer.
Scamputer.

Forgetaway

Forget.
Getaway.
Forgetaway.

The almost perfect crime: every detail in place, minus remembering to leave.

Outlaw.
Awful.
Outlawful.

Always keep in mind that you have to head to another bank if you want to deposit the money you stole.

Robbing.
Bingo.
Robbingo.

Bestialibi

Bestiality.
Alibi.
Bestialibi.

"I couldn't have committed that crime. I was busy doing something."

Spiderived

Spider.
Derived.
Spiderived.

Peter Parker got his crime-fighting abilities as a result of being bitten.

Arachnid.
Nip.
Arachnip.

Some see that as far-fetched, but this sort of thing definitely happens in real life as well.

For instance, if a rabid dog bites you, you get a rabid dog's ability to foam at the mouth.
It might not be the ideal super-power, but it should at least stop criminals from robbing YOU.

Mugger.
Germaphobe.
Muggermaphobe.

It might not stop the cops from coming after you, though.
Or at least animal control.

Rabies.
Beast.
Rabeast.

(That could be your super-villain name.)

Finantsy

Finance.
Antsy.
Finantsy.

The economy is affecting us all.

Even muggers have to increase their numbers, just to keep up with the cost of mugging.
And the supply of people to mug is down, because no one is going out as much now.

Recession.
Onerous.
Recessionerous

So the mugger has to try to mug richer people.
Mug quality, not quantity.
But rich people these days are all keeping their money in accounts that don't exist due to a Ponzi scheme.

Ponzi.
Zilch.
Ponzilch.

So, mugging is down.
Which means the drug and gun industries are also suffering.
Which means the cost of guns will go down, and it will be easier to afford to protect yourself and your assets, with your new discount gun.

Or, you can become a mugger.
(I hear they're hiring.)

Thievery.
Everything.
Thieverything.