Pregnantics

Pregnant.
Antics.
Pregnantics.

Once upon a time, I broke up with a girl and she cried.

A week later, she came to me and told me that she was as pregnant as her eyes had been with tears the week before. *

Uterus.
Irises.
Utirises.

So the breakup was put on hold, while we planned for the birth...
the birth of our futures on the day that pregnancy would be ended, of course.

This was not a decision made lightly.
This girl was a practicing Catholic; she practiced nearly every part of the faith and was great at almost all of it.

So she came to a decision that I supported (I am pro-woman).

Preparing.
Ringleader.
Preparingleader.

But the day before that decision was to come to fruition (or was to undo a previous coming to fruition), something happened.

She told me that she fell down the stairs, went to the doctor, and found out that she was no longer pregnant.

So, the something that happened was actually either three things (stairs, doctor, finding), OR one different thing: she lied to me.

I didn't realize it at the time, because I was a trusting human being, but the timing of it all seems in hindsight to be MIGHTY convenient.

Timing.
Ingenious.
Timingenious.

Plus, I might have been ignoring other signs, such as her asking questions like "Does this fake pregnancy make me look fat?"

Obese.
OB-GYN.
OBese-GYN.

I've heard that sometimes couples will have a baby to keep their relationship alive. But apparently, that only works when the baby is alive, too. And real. (And also this doesn't work.)

So we broke up again. And this time the breakup was as real as the baby wasn't. And everyone who was alive lived happily ever after.

Fairy Tale.
Retelling.
Fair Retelling.


* She didn't put it that way. I'm sure hers was more poetic.

Sub-Par.
Paraphrase.
Sub-Paraphrase.

Promenada

Promenade.
Nada.
Promenada.

At 3am today, I performed for a comedy club full of kids who had just come from their high school proms. Exciting!

Dance.
Antsy.
Dantsy.

You see, comedy clubs provide an important service: preventing underage drinking and providing a late-night venue for these kids that is not a hotel room.

Marriott.
Riotous.
Marriottous.

Because teenagers having sex is usually just a last resort activity, after all possible comedy options have been exhausted, when they just end up settling for some wacky bedroom antics which follow the less hilarious opening act of the hotel staff.*

Bellhop.
Hopeless.
Bellhopeless.

So I did my duty today in the fight against teen pregnancy.

Unless you count my impregnating them with a laughter fetus that incubated immediately and repeatedly.

Talk about hysterical pregnancies. (Boom.)

Guffaw.
Awesome.
Guffawesome.


* Hotel "staff" not at all intended to be a play on words that could imply the hotel staff are being inappropriate with the children.

Unless there are hotels running secret child sex rings (then pun coincidentally intended).

Brothel.
Hilton.
Brothilton.

Embryo-Yo

Embryo.
Yo-Yo.
Embryo-Yo.

A new life that springs forth from a woman, but then immediately shoots back in.

Umbilical.
Lickety-Split.
Umbilickety-Split.

Nintendometrium

Nintendo.
Endometrium.
Nintendometrium.

Inner lining of a video game system, which grows thicker as it awaits the implantation of a cartridge.

Which, of course, leads to the (Sega) Genesis of new life.

Incubate.
Atari.
Incubatari.

In Vitrophy

In Vitro.
Trophy.
In Vitrophy.

A prize that is developed outside a woman's body.

So, most of them.

Except for contests where you can win a baby.

A baby that was conceived naturally, not in a test tube.

(Actually, so-called "test-tube" babies are created in more of a dish-like situation.
Did you know that? Then you win the prize.)

Compete.
Petri.
Competri.

Fortunescapable

Fortune.
Unescapable.
Fortunescapable.

A Chinese cookie told me this yesterday:
"A hen tomorrow is better than an egg today."

Metaphor.
Horoscope.
Metaphoroscope.

1) I'm a vegan so neither option sounds great.

2) It's now tomorrow from yesterday, and I don't have either.
Zero hens today seems about equivalent to zero eggs yesterday.

3) This fortune seems to contradict traditional Western wisdom:
"Don't count your chickens before they've hatched."

Rooster.
Sterile.
Roosterile.

Which came first, the idea that a chicken is better or the idea that eggs shouldn't be counted?

Mathematical.
Calculation.
Mathematicalculation.

(Another time, I got a fortune that said "Pessimism never won any battles," which seemed itself pessimistic.

Pessimism won the battle of getting you inside that cookie, fortune.
Don't bite the hand that feeds you.

Or rather, don't bite the hand that puts you into into a cookie that feeds someone else.)

Paradox.
Doctrine.
Paradoctrine.

Twisterile

Twister.
Sterile.
Twisterile.

Be careful how much you contort yourself going for right leg green, left leg red.

Colored.
Redeployment.
Coloredeployment.

It's all fun and games until someone loses the ability to have children.

Barren.
Rendezvous.
Barrendezvous.

Beghetto

Beget.
Ghetto.
Beghetto.

A poor section of town where a lot of children are born.

And, when pluralized, the name of a pasta that is eaten there.

Beghetti
Edible.
Beghedible.

Lamazeltov

Lamaze.
Mazeltov.
Lamazeltov.

Congratulations, it's a breathing method!
What's its name?

Psychoprophylaxis.
(Its name before Dr. Fernand Lamaze popularized it.)

Sounds like a crazy condom.

No wonder it wasn't popular.
(People thought it was like a crazy straw, winding around in every direction.*
Didn't seem like it would help with giving birth very much.)

Psychoprophylaxis.
Accident.
Psychoprophylaccident.


* "Lamaze" doesn't actually sound much better.
Seems like the French word for "the maze," winding around in every direction.

Bedlam.
Lamaze.
Bedlamaze.

Monsterility

Monster.
Sterility.
Monsterility.

The real reason creatures lurk in children's bedrooms and scare them...
Because the existence of children remind them of their own inability to procreate.

The natural process of perpetuating life is denied them.
Because they are not natural.*

So they hide under the bed, because they can't do what's necessary on top of it.
They inspire fear in others to avoid facing the fear of their own inadequacies.

Boo! they say. Seemingly to scare the children.
But it's actually projection aimed inward.
They monsters are booing themselves.

Booing.
Ingrained.
Booingrained.


* Unnatural or supernatural. Not artificial.
100% organic original recipe monsters.