Traffic.
Fiction.
Traffiction.
There are no cars in front of you.
They're all in your mind.
Just keep driving forward.
Also, there is no spoon.
So, good luck eating the soup they serve you in the hospital after your car accident.
Silverware.
Wary.
Silverwary.
Showing posts with label cars. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cars. Show all posts
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Monday, June 15, 2009
Vehiclearance
Vehicle.
Clearance.
Vehiclearance.
Yesterday, I went to where I had parked my car to find that my car wasn't parked there.
That's one of the worst feelings there is.
Sadness.
Especially.
Sadnespecially.
Other than suicidality, non-suicidal yet severe psychological depression, less severe but still habitual fairly debilitating depression, stubbing your toe really hard, and probably some others I'm not thinking of right now... Add your own!
(Either in your own head, in the comments section, or both!
And if you can do it in the comments section without doing it in your own head, bravo.)
Mental.
Talking.
Mentalking.
My car had been parked legally, so I called 311 (the information line, not the defunct band).
311 is just like 411 information, but only for a specific type of information. Which makes sense, because it's 100 less than 411.
(So if you have an emergency but you don't want as much help as possible, call 811.)
Emergency.
See Ya?
Emergencee Ya?
311 told me that they had no record of my car being towed.
Normally that's good news, to hear that your car hasn't been towed.
But when your car is gone, it's slightly more not good news.
I now found myself praying that my car HAD been towed, and there was just no record of it yet. (Some sort of vigilante cop towing but not doing the paperwork? A citizen tow-er?*
Vigilante.
Antidote.
Vigilantidote.
Long story (told by a) short (person):
After several more calls to 311, being connected to the ninth precinct of Manhattan which had jurisdiction over the region from which my car went missing, being disconnected from the ninth precinct, walking to the wrong location of the ninth precinct given to me by cops from another precinct while trying to get the ninth precinct back on the phone, eventually reaching them on the phone before I reached the wrong location of the ninth precinct and having a ninth precinct cop tell me the best thing to do would be to go back to where the car went missing from and call 911 and wait, meeting the 911 cops when they finally showed up and learning they were from the ninth precinct, those cops told me to meet them back at the CORRECT location of the ninth precinct.
That's where they said they could check lists of cars that had been moved (but not officially towed--vigilante cops, I was right! but there were lists, so official vigilante cops).
It turned out there had been a street fair in between when I parked and yesterday, and there had been no signs posted about it, so the cops just moved my car down a long block and around the corner.
Did you know they do that? They can just move your car. And you don't have to pay to get it out of a lot or anything, and it wasn't stolen; you just find it nearby and drive it away. Fascists!**
So all's well that started crappy.
Failures.
Resolution.
Failuresolution.
* Pronounced toe-er. Not like the word that follows "Eiffel."
(Though perhaps the citizen tow-er would bring the car to his tall citadel of unofficial justice, the Citizen Tower.
Which is the renamed Eiffel Tower which has been commandeered for this purpose.)
Eiffel.
Felony.
Eiffelony.
** Is that the definition of fascism? It's cool to say cops are fascists, right? Even when they eventually help you?
My apologies. Hooray, cops! Also, I didn't see any of them eating any donuts. Not really fascist, not many donuts... we're breaking down cop stereotypes left and right! If only I was a different race that is usually mistreated by the law, then this prejudice-dismantling trifecta would be complete.
Gallantry.
Trifecta.
Gallantrifecta.
Clearance.
Vehiclearance.
Yesterday, I went to where I had parked my car to find that my car wasn't parked there.
That's one of the worst feelings there is.
Sadness.
Especially.
Sadnespecially.
Other than suicidality, non-suicidal yet severe psychological depression, less severe but still habitual fairly debilitating depression, stubbing your toe really hard, and probably some others I'm not thinking of right now... Add your own!
(Either in your own head, in the comments section, or both!
And if you can do it in the comments section without doing it in your own head, bravo.)
Mental.
Talking.
Mentalking.
My car had been parked legally, so I called 311 (the information line, not the defunct band).
311 is just like 411 information, but only for a specific type of information. Which makes sense, because it's 100 less than 411.
(So if you have an emergency but you don't want as much help as possible, call 811.)
Emergency.
See Ya?
Emergencee Ya?
311 told me that they had no record of my car being towed.
Normally that's good news, to hear that your car hasn't been towed.
But when your car is gone, it's slightly more not good news.
I now found myself praying that my car HAD been towed, and there was just no record of it yet. (Some sort of vigilante cop towing but not doing the paperwork? A citizen tow-er?*
Vigilante.
Antidote.
Vigilantidote.
Long story (told by a) short (person):
After several more calls to 311, being connected to the ninth precinct of Manhattan which had jurisdiction over the region from which my car went missing, being disconnected from the ninth precinct, walking to the wrong location of the ninth precinct given to me by cops from another precinct while trying to get the ninth precinct back on the phone, eventually reaching them on the phone before I reached the wrong location of the ninth precinct and having a ninth precinct cop tell me the best thing to do would be to go back to where the car went missing from and call 911 and wait, meeting the 911 cops when they finally showed up and learning they were from the ninth precinct, those cops told me to meet them back at the CORRECT location of the ninth precinct.
That's where they said they could check lists of cars that had been moved (but not officially towed--vigilante cops, I was right! but there were lists, so official vigilante cops).
It turned out there had been a street fair in between when I parked and yesterday, and there had been no signs posted about it, so the cops just moved my car down a long block and around the corner.
Did you know they do that? They can just move your car. And you don't have to pay to get it out of a lot or anything, and it wasn't stolen; you just find it nearby and drive it away. Fascists!**
So all's well that started crappy.
Failures.
Resolution.
Failuresolution.
* Pronounced toe-er. Not like the word that follows "Eiffel."
(Though perhaps the citizen tow-er would bring the car to his tall citadel of unofficial justice, the Citizen Tower.
Which is the renamed Eiffel Tower which has been commandeered for this purpose.)
Eiffel.
Felony.
Eiffelony.
** Is that the definition of fascism? It's cool to say cops are fascists, right? Even when they eventually help you?
My apologies. Hooray, cops! Also, I didn't see any of them eating any donuts. Not really fascist, not many donuts... we're breaking down cop stereotypes left and right! If only I was a different race that is usually mistreated by the law, then this prejudice-dismantling trifecta would be complete.
Gallantry.
Trifecta.
Gallantrifecta.
Saturday, May 23, 2009
R2Detour
R2D2.
Detour.
R2Detour.
Taking an alternate route because of a beeping droid in the way.
You beep back at first, but then notice that there's a reason for the delay.
Chewbacca.
Accident.
Chewbaccident.
There's an old guy directing traffic...
Obi-Wan.
One-Way.
Obi-Won-Way.
...by waving a big lit-up stick...
Light Sabre.
Breakdown Lane.
Light Sabreakdown Lane.
...but that still doesn't help your commute go any quicker.
Jedi.
Disaster.
Jedisaster.
(See also C3PO'ed.)
Detour.
R2Detour.
Taking an alternate route because of a beeping droid in the way.
You beep back at first, but then notice that there's a reason for the delay.
Chewbacca.
Accident.
Chewbaccident.
There's an old guy directing traffic...
Obi-Wan.
One-Way.
Obi-Won-Way.
...by waving a big lit-up stick...
Light Sabre.
Breakdown Lane.
Light Sabreakdown Lane.
...but that still doesn't help your commute go any quicker.
Jedi.
Disaster.
Jedisaster.
(See also C3PO'ed.)
Friday, April 24, 2009
Hassleep
Hassle.
Asleep.
Hassleep.
I've never had trouble sleeping, which got me into trouble once while driving.
I got a ticket for making an illegal turn, because apparently it is not lawful to go off the road, through a fence, and into a telephone pole.
Automobile.
Illegal.
Automobillegal.
Asleep.
Hassleep.
I've never had trouble sleeping, which got me into trouble once while driving.
I got a ticket for making an illegal turn, because apparently it is not lawful to go off the road, through a fence, and into a telephone pole.
Automobile.
Illegal.
Automobillegal.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Moviehicle
Movie.
Vehicle.
Moviehicle.
Sometimes a film will be referred to as a vehicle for a certain actor.
That could be confusing under certain circumstances:
e.g. "In this scene in the Vin Diesel vehicle, Vin Diesel's vehicle is fueled with diesel. Diesel vin*."
Gasoline.
Linear.
Gasolinear.
This is confusing for a few reasons, most salient of which is probably "Why is someone talking about Vin Diesel?"
(Unless to ask that very question.)
Recursivity.
Vin Diesel.
Recursvin Diesel.
* That last part only makes sense if the person speaking accidentally uses the French word for wine instead of gas.
Or purposefully does so.
It could happen.
Once a person decides to review a Vin Diesel movie, I'd say anything is possible.
Especially if that person already has wine on the brain, literally and figuratively, which could also explain why they A) saw the movie, and B) are now talking about it.
Talk.
Alcohol.
Talkohol.
Vehicle.
Moviehicle.
Sometimes a film will be referred to as a vehicle for a certain actor.
That could be confusing under certain circumstances:
e.g. "In this scene in the Vin Diesel vehicle, Vin Diesel's vehicle is fueled with diesel. Diesel vin*."
Gasoline.
Linear.
Gasolinear.
This is confusing for a few reasons, most salient of which is probably "Why is someone talking about Vin Diesel?"
(Unless to ask that very question.)
Recursivity.
Vin Diesel.
Recursvin Diesel.
* That last part only makes sense if the person speaking accidentally uses the French word for wine instead of gas.
Or purposefully does so.
It could happen.
Once a person decides to review a Vin Diesel movie, I'd say anything is possible.
Especially if that person already has wine on the brain, literally and figuratively, which could also explain why they A) saw the movie, and B) are now talking about it.
Talk.
Alcohol.
Talkohol.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Ringlingering
Ringling.
Lingering.
Ringlingering.*
Hanging around the circus after it closes.
Loitering.
Ringling.
Loiteringling.*
Seeing the performers let their guard down and be themselves.
Trapeze.
Easy-Going.
Trapeasy-Going.
Enjoying the absence of other patrons.
Circus.
Customers.
Circustomers.
Finding out if all the clowns carpool home in that tiny car.
Environmental.
Tailgating.
Environmentailgating.
* Fun circus trick: combine these two and see what happens...
Loiteringling.
Ringlingering.
Loiteringlingering.
Loitering. Lingering.
Apparently, the circus is all about lazing around.
Makes sense then why everyone would want to run away and join it.
You run, you join, you relax.**
Answer.
Circus.
Answircus.
** Just like Julius Caesar did.
Conquered.
Redefined.
Conqueredefined.
(Even looks like it could be Latin.)
Lingering.
Ringlingering.*
Hanging around the circus after it closes.
Loitering.
Ringling.
Loiteringling.*
Seeing the performers let their guard down and be themselves.
Trapeze.
Easy-Going.
Trapeasy-Going.
Enjoying the absence of other patrons.
Circus.
Customers.
Circustomers.
Finding out if all the clowns carpool home in that tiny car.
Environmental.
Tailgating.
Environmentailgating.
* Fun circus trick: combine these two and see what happens...
Loiteringling.
Ringlingering.
Loiteringlingering.
Loitering. Lingering.
Apparently, the circus is all about lazing around.
Makes sense then why everyone would want to run away and join it.
You run, you join, you relax.**
Answer.
Circus.
Answircus.
** Just like Julius Caesar did.
Conquered.
Redefined.
Conqueredefined.
(Even looks like it could be Latin.)
Friday, March 6, 2009
Poultriceratops
Poultry.
Triceratops.
Poultriceratops.
Even dinosaur tastes like chicken.
Tasty.
Stegosaurus.
Tastegosaurus.
And chicken didn't even exist back then. But cavemen knew.
Flavor.
Voracious.
Flavoracious.
You know, cavemen who co-existed with dinosaurs, like you see in animated documentaries and the Bible.
Flintstone.
Honesty.
Flintstonesty.
But they weren't loving pets, like Fred and Wilma would have you believe.
Domestic.
Ticked Off.
Domesticked Off.
They were enemies, like humans and chickens are today.
Hatred.
Edible.
Hatredible.
What I'm saying is, cavemen put dinosaurs in cages, tortured them, harvested their unborn young for omelettes, and the ones that grew up would get eaten out of buckets they got from the local KFD on the way home.*
Become.
Omelette.
Becomelette.
* In their car that runs on the power of the driver's feet. The Flinstones got that part right.
Which means despite the horribly unethical treatment of animals that they share with modern days, at least their technologies were running a lot greener than ours.
Retort.
Torture.
Retorture.
Triceratops.
Poultriceratops.
Even dinosaur tastes like chicken.
Tasty.
Stegosaurus.
Tastegosaurus.
And chicken didn't even exist back then. But cavemen knew.
Flavor.
Voracious.
Flavoracious.
You know, cavemen who co-existed with dinosaurs, like you see in animated documentaries and the Bible.
Flintstone.
Honesty.
Flintstonesty.
But they weren't loving pets, like Fred and Wilma would have you believe.
Domestic.
Ticked Off.
Domesticked Off.
They were enemies, like humans and chickens are today.
Hatred.
Edible.
Hatredible.
What I'm saying is, cavemen put dinosaurs in cages, tortured them, harvested their unborn young for omelettes, and the ones that grew up would get eaten out of buckets they got from the local KFD on the way home.*
Become.
Omelette.
Becomelette.
* In their car that runs on the power of the driver's feet. The Flinstones got that part right.
Which means despite the horribly unethical treatment of animals that they share with modern days, at least their technologies were running a lot greener than ours.
Retort.
Torture.
Retorture.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Claustrophobickering
Claustrophobic.
Bickering.
Claustrophobickering.
Disagreements in enclosed spaces, especially on long road trips with family. *
Car.
Argumentative.
Cargumentative.
* But also in other everyday situations, like being trapped in an elevator, crowded into a phone booth, or waiting for the world to end in a bomb shelter.
Or especially while trying to call someone because the elevator to the safe room is stuck.
Shelter.
Terror.
Shelterror.
Bickering.
Claustrophobickering.
Disagreements in enclosed spaces, especially on long road trips with family. *
Car.
Argumentative.
Cargumentative.
* But also in other everyday situations, like being trapped in an elevator, crowded into a phone booth, or waiting for the world to end in a bomb shelter.
Or especially while trying to call someone because the elevator to the safe room is stuck.
Shelter.
Terror.
Shelterror.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Paradimebag
Paradigm.
Dimebag.
Paradimebag.
Marijuana has been decriminalized in a lot of places these days.
Better than jail, but you'll still want to keep your decriminal record as clean as possible.
Plus, you can still be ticketed and fined as though you've committed some kind of parking violation.
Hydrant.
Antics.
Hydrantics.
Now, I could make an easy joke here about how they'll ever collect with potheads forgetting to pay the fines (and I just did, barely), but sincerely, what will the authorities do when those violations pile up?
For parking tickets, eventually they'll put a boot on your car.
For pot, will the cops put a boot on your face?
That's just what they used to do before the decriminalization.
Has nothing changed?
Facial.
Shellacked.
Faciellacked.
Maybe I'm wrong.
Maybe things are different.
Maybe they'll just tow you. Or your bong.
And have you work off your debt by washing dishes in prison.
Where you can get high by snorting dish soap, now also decriminalized.
Municipal.
Palmolive.
Municipalmolive.
Dimebag.
Paradimebag.
Marijuana has been decriminalized in a lot of places these days.
Better than jail, but you'll still want to keep your decriminal record as clean as possible.
Plus, you can still be ticketed and fined as though you've committed some kind of parking violation.
Hydrant.
Antics.
Hydrantics.
Now, I could make an easy joke here about how they'll ever collect with potheads forgetting to pay the fines (and I just did, barely), but sincerely, what will the authorities do when those violations pile up?
For parking tickets, eventually they'll put a boot on your car.
For pot, will the cops put a boot on your face?
That's just what they used to do before the decriminalization.
Has nothing changed?
Facial.
Shellacked.
Faciellacked.
Maybe I'm wrong.
Maybe things are different.
Maybe they'll just tow you. Or your bong.
And have you work off your debt by washing dishes in prison.
Where you can get high by snorting dish soap, now also decriminalized.
Municipal.
Palmolive.
Municipalmolive.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Electrickshaw
Electric.
Rickshaw.
Electrickshaw.
Reinventing the wheels.
Automobile.
Billionaire.
Automobillionaire.
Rickshaw.
Electrickshaw.
Reinventing the wheels.
Automobile.
Billionaire.
Automobillionaire.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Urbanshee
Urban.
Banshee.
Urbanshee.
An ambulance that wakes you in the middle of the night.
People, can't you try to get hurt at a more reasonable hour?
Some of us luckier folks are trying to sleep.
Awake.
Acheless.
Awacheless.
Hospitals should have a happy hour, to encourage more business at slower times.
Special: treat one rash, get one free.
Poison Ivy.
9-to-5.
Poiso9-to-5y.
(Probably not as prevalent in the urban environment.
Unless you're growing poison plants in your home.
Which you'd have to be crazy to do.
Which IS more prevalent in the urban environment.)
Lunacy.
Cycle.
Lunacycle.
Banshee.
Urbanshee.
An ambulance that wakes you in the middle of the night.
People, can't you try to get hurt at a more reasonable hour?
Some of us luckier folks are trying to sleep.
Awake.
Acheless.
Awacheless.
Hospitals should have a happy hour, to encourage more business at slower times.
Special: treat one rash, get one free.
Poison Ivy.
9-to-5.
Poiso9-to-5y.
(Probably not as prevalent in the urban environment.
Unless you're growing poison plants in your home.
Which you'd have to be crazy to do.
Which IS more prevalent in the urban environment.)
Lunacy.
Cycle.
Lunacycle.
Monday, January 26, 2009
Psychick
Psychic.
Chick.
Psychick.
A female telepath who can read thoughts about shoe shopping, candles, and bridesmaid dresses.
She can also read thoughts about sports, cars, and hating weddings.
Also any thoughts about all non-stereotypical topics.
Just like a "comedienne" can talk about whatever she likes, not just her period or dating or dating her period.
Period.
Oddity.
Perioddity.
The point is, neither female comedians nor female mind-readers are limited by society's outdated notions or ridiculous gender roles, you sexist.
(Only female strippers are.
But that's due for a change as well.)
Stripper.
Person.
Stripperson.
Chick.
Psychick.
A female telepath who can read thoughts about shoe shopping, candles, and bridesmaid dresses.
She can also read thoughts about sports, cars, and hating weddings.
Also any thoughts about all non-stereotypical topics.
Just like a "comedienne" can talk about whatever she likes, not just her period or dating or dating her period.
Period.
Oddity.
Perioddity.
The point is, neither female comedians nor female mind-readers are limited by society's outdated notions or ridiculous gender roles, you sexist.
(Only female strippers are.
But that's due for a change as well.)
Stripper.
Person.
Stripperson.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Taxiom
Taxi.
Axiom.
Taxiom.
Two cabs driving in parallel lanes should never meet.
But if your car is in the middle lane between them, you should be careful anyway.
Axiom.
Taxiom.
Two cabs driving in parallel lanes should never meet.
But if your car is in the middle lane between them, you should be careful anyway.
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