Comedaytime

Comedy.
Daytime.
Comedaytime.

Had a show during the day today in Washington Square Park.

2pm, the time when comedy is born! And immediately takes a nap.

The "stage" was one side of a circular area with benches lining the circumference, so anyone who wanted could get a great seat either right behind me or far away on the other side of the circle.

Or they could sit right down in the middle of a walkway and be trampled.

Either way, their laughs were sure to be lost into the ether of the outdoors, or muffled because they were being trampled.

A good time was had by all! (Most people opted for trample-free.)

Stomped.
Pedestrians.
Stompedestrians.

Upchuckle

Upchuck.
Chuckle.
Upchuckle.

Laughing until you vomit.

Gagging.
Giggling.
Gaggiggling.

Promenada

Promenade.
Nada.
Promenada.

At 3am today, I performed for a comedy club full of kids who had just come from their high school proms. Exciting!

Dance.
Antsy.
Dantsy.

You see, comedy clubs provide an important service: preventing underage drinking and providing a late-night venue for these kids that is not a hotel room.

Marriott.
Riotous.
Marriottous.

Because teenagers having sex is usually just a last resort activity, after all possible comedy options have been exhausted, when they just end up settling for some wacky bedroom antics which follow the less hilarious opening act of the hotel staff.*

Bellhop.
Hopeless.
Bellhopeless.

So I did my duty today in the fight against teen pregnancy.

Unless you count my impregnating them with a laughter fetus that incubated immediately and repeatedly.

Talk about hysterical pregnancies. (Boom.)

Guffaw.
Awesome.
Guffawesome.


* Hotel "staff" not at all intended to be a play on words that could imply the hotel staff are being inappropriate with the children.

Unless there are hotels running secret child sex rings (then pun coincidentally intended).

Brothel.
Hilton.
Brothilton.

Alivory

Alive.
Ivory.
Alivory.

Describing the way an elephant's soul lives on in its tusks after it's been killed and they've been removed.

Mammoth.
Otherworldly.
Mammotherworldly.

Just kidding, it doesn't!

Humor.
Morbid.
Humorbid.

Elephants don't have souls!

Animal.
Malformed.
Animalformed.

But don't worry, neither do people!

Phew.
Human.
Phewman.

So be nice to those soulless beasts, even though your essence won't be tortured eternally if you're not.

Spirit.
Writhing.
Spirithing.


(See also Babar Mitzvah.)

Easterical

Easter.
Hysterical.
Easterical.

Tonight I performed on a Jewish-themed comedy show commemorating Jesus' rise from the dead.

Reincarnate.
Naturally.
Reincarnaturally.

The idea being that the show should appeal to people who aren't in church with their God and such.

Prayers.
Erstwhile.
Prayerstwhile.

Of course, God is everywhere at all times, so they could have come to the show and been with him also. Also they would have been with a lot of Jews.

Jew.
Ubiquitous.
Jewbiquitous.

The show went well.

Jews usually enjoy laughing at me.
Maybe because I'm a Jew.

Non-Jews usually enjoy laughing at me as well.
Maybe because I'm a Jew.

So apparently, laughing at Jews can unite us all.
Someone get the Middle East on the line! *

Chuckling.
Ingredients.
Chucklingredients.


* This may not actually fly.
I'm not sure Israelis work the same way as the Jews I know.
(Also I don't know if "the Middle East" has its own phone.)

Israel.
Hello?
Israello?

Guesstimatrix

Guesstimate.
Matrix.
Guesstimatrix.

To whomever put together "guess" and "estimate": why combine words with same-ilar meanings? *

You don't see me-I** doing this:

Fluid. Liquid. Fluiquid.
Fake. Fictitious. Faketitious.
Jacket. Coat. Jackoat.
Cow. Cattle. Cowtle.
Mapmaker. Cartographer. Mapmakartographer.
Armageddon. Apocalypse. Armpogeddalypsen.
Fatso. So Obese. Fatsobese.
(Okay, you actually might have seen me-I do this last one.)

Just give it some think-sideration, okay?



* Okay, maybe you could argue that an estimate is more educated than just a guess.

But then what's a cross between a less educated guess and a more educated guess?
A guess with a medium level of education?

Is it really necessary to have this much differentiation in the levels of guess quality?

Just because you CAN combine words doesn't mean you SHOULD combine them. ***

You don't see me-I doing this:

Skull. Skeleton. Skulleton.
Shoe. Boot. Shboot.
Couch. Chair. Couchair.
Woman. Human. Whuman.

These things are close enough as is.
What good will combining them do?
Just leave well enough solone.


** Me-I: a fun one to say, a cross between "me" and "I."
And if "myself" is feeling left out, feel free to upgrade to "Me-I-self."


*** But it also doesn't mean that you shouldn't.
Especially if the words mean different things that can be combined to result in hilarious or innovative (or at least logical) results.

Hilarious.
Results.
Hilarisults.

Geneticklish

Genetic.
Ticklish.
Geneticklish.

It must be.
But why?

What evolutionary advantage is there in the ability to giggle when someone touches you?
And not even the happy kind of giggling.
More the rage-inducing kind.

Apparently, it's a useful adaptation that goes back to when sabre-toothed tigers would tickle cavemen.*
The ensuing caveman rage would enable them to survive, of course, by focusing that anger into the domestication of the tigers, as seen in any reality TV show featuring cavemen.**

Domestic.
Cats.
Domesticats.

So if anyone ever tickles you and you get mad, just pet them and they're yours.
And that's how science works.



* Tigers would only tickle the male cavepeople, let's say, to avoid the awkward usage of the word "cavepeople" as much as possible.

** e.g. "Pangaean Idol"
"Top Chef Before Fire Existed"
"America's Next Top Caveman"
"Who Wants to Be a Guy With a Big Stone?"
(That is caveman currency equivalent to $1 million today.
In fact, given the markets, a stone might be worth even more now.)

Standuplication

Standup.
Duplication.
Standuplication.

Sometimes a comedian will have a similar joke to another comedian's joke.

Similar.
Hilarious.
Similarious.

But if that situation arises because one of the comedians took the idea from the other, then that is no laughing matter.

Or rather, it's one laughing matter out of a potential two laughing matters, but one might argue that the non-laughing matter (or laughing anti-matter) cancels out the laughing matter, leaving the total once again at zero laughing matters.

(This mathematical assessment is, of course, only necessary in cases where a matter is not actually a full laughing matter.
Laughing matters are typically not referred to as such, but rather simply with laughter.)

But here, even if all the laughing is not canceled out of the matters, there is at most one laughing matter spread over these two matters, for an average of half a laughing per matter.

Half.
Laughing.
Halfughing.

Looks ugly, doesn't it? It should.
It's an ugly situation.

A laughing matter can be tainted to the point where its laughing doesn't matter, and that is no laughing matter.

Anti-matter.
Terrible.
Anti-matterrible.

It should be noted, however, that this is not an indictment of all situations where two comedians have similar jokes.
Many times, it is the result of parallel thought.

In my comedy, I strive for perpendicular thought, where my line of thinking crosses over all the other parallel lines, meeting them each briefly for a point, but continuing off into the distance, to the beat of my own drummer.
(My thinking is in the form of a parade of marching bands.)

Perpendicular.
Parade.
Perpendicularade.

But my thinking can't be perpendicular to everyone.
Sometimes I meet people who find me obtuse, but certainly there are those who find me acute as well.
Respect is a two-way street.
But unfortunately some streets are one-way.
And there are some dead ends.
And cul-de-sacs.

That will be all the street jokes I'll tell for now.

And if someone else has already made the jokes or points that this blog does now...

Wordplay.
Plagiarism.
Wordplagiarism.

...my apologies.

Mea culpa.
Cul-de-sac.
Mea culp-de-sac.

Good night, folks. I'll be here all week. Don't try the veal (I'm vegan, there isn't any).