Machopsticks

Macho.
Chopsticks.
Machopsticks.

It's difficult to look tough while eating with chopsticks.

Not like eating with a knife and knife, where you can totally intimidate your food through aggressive posturing.

Confucius actually declared this the reason to use chopsticks--to avoid equating dining with anything violent.

Violent.
Lentils.
Violents.

Of course, being stabbed through the heart with a chopstick seems even more vicious than using a knife.

Which is why Confucius never got much backing from the vampire lobby.

Nor the environmental lobby, as an estimated 90 billion chopsticks are thrown away per year, which comes out to approximately 25 million full-grown trees, or who knows how many bonsai trees.
(Probably all of them.)

Sounds pretty aggressive to the trees.
And what non-violent tools are they using to cut down these trees?*

That is, however, only when chopsticks are made out of wood.
They can also be created from bronze or other metals, plastic, ivory, or bone.
(Depending what wedding anniversary you're on.)

Wooden.
Denied.
Woodenied.

Ivory or bone?
There we go, much less violent.
e.g. "Pronged utensils are too aggressive!
Now, let's take down that mammoth and use its tusks to make instruments of tranquility!
Also pull out its skeleton, that will also come in handy on our mission of peace!"

Which also brings up the question, what tools did they use to bring down such creatures and extract the bone and ivory?*

Weapon.
Pontification.
Weapontification.

It actually turns out that they only use the bones and ivory from VAMPIRE elephants.
And violence against the undead is universally accepted.
Even by Confucius and environmentalists.
By everyone.

(Everyone except the vampire lobby, of course.
But they couldn't make it to the meeting to voice their objections, as their elephant transport had gone missing.)



* Answer: martial arts, which is technically self-defense.
Totally acceptable.