Pizza.
Subway.
Pizzubway.
I wrote some standup to be used in promos on Comedy Central.
Here they are.
Advertise.
Zing!
Advertizing!
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Haystacupuncture
Haystack.
Acupuncture.
Haystacupuncture.
Something about a needle. I'll get to that later.
We start with a story about the beach, which I now call the bea-otch.
(Take that, beach.)
Sandy.
Destruction.
Sandestruction.
That is where I got a sunburn, but don't worry, it was not for nothing.
I got it in exchange for donating my glasses to the ocean.
Oops.
Sea.
Oopsea.
Like I made a sacrifice to Poseidon so he would put a word in with Apollo to burn me.
Stupidest exchange ever.
Trade.
Adept.
Tradept.
I don't even know why a god would need glasses.
Ophthalmology.
Jesus.
Ophthalmologesus.
Though he is the god of the sea, not god of seeing.
Inept.
Neptune.
Ineptune.
So I spent my day at the beach searching for buried treasure. Or floating treasure. Or wherever-my-glasses-ended-up treasure.
Prize.
Eyes.
Priyes.
And what I found is this...
The expression "looking for a needle in a haystack" should be changed to "looking for my glasses in the ocean."
Because that's way harder.
A haystack doesn't move. It doesn't cover three-quarters of the earth. You can't burn down the ocean and just find what you're looking for sitting right there. AND you're doing all this searching without your glasses.
Blinded.
Dedication.
Blindedication.
Sometimes someone will throw a bottle into the ocean, with a note inside that travels across the world, and someone else finds it and they fall in love and live happily ever after.
That actually happens more often than me finding my glasses in the ocean.
And the bottle is made out of glass as well, which is sort of rubbing it in.
Pepsi.
Sea-Faring.
Pepsea-Faring.
So, if anyone finds my glasses on the other side of the world, we should probably get married.
Let me know.
Longshot.
Hotline.
Longshotline.
Acupuncture.
Haystacupuncture.
Something about a needle. I'll get to that later.
We start with a story about the beach, which I now call the bea-otch.
(Take that, beach.)
Sandy.
Destruction.
Sandestruction.
That is where I got a sunburn, but don't worry, it was not for nothing.
I got it in exchange for donating my glasses to the ocean.
Oops.
Sea.
Oopsea.
Like I made a sacrifice to Poseidon so he would put a word in with Apollo to burn me.
Stupidest exchange ever.
Trade.
Adept.
Tradept.
I don't even know why a god would need glasses.
Ophthalmology.
Jesus.
Ophthalmologesus.
Though he is the god of the sea, not god of seeing.
Inept.
Neptune.
Ineptune.
So I spent my day at the beach searching for buried treasure. Or floating treasure. Or wherever-my-glasses-ended-up treasure.
Prize.
Eyes.
Priyes.
And what I found is this...
The expression "looking for a needle in a haystack" should be changed to "looking for my glasses in the ocean."
Because that's way harder.
A haystack doesn't move. It doesn't cover three-quarters of the earth. You can't burn down the ocean and just find what you're looking for sitting right there. AND you're doing all this searching without your glasses.
Blinded.
Dedication.
Blindedication.
Sometimes someone will throw a bottle into the ocean, with a note inside that travels across the world, and someone else finds it and they fall in love and live happily ever after.
That actually happens more often than me finding my glasses in the ocean.
And the bottle is made out of glass as well, which is sort of rubbing it in.
Pepsi.
Sea-Faring.
Pepsea-Faring.
So, if anyone finds my glasses on the other side of the world, we should probably get married.
Let me know.
Longshot.
Hotline.
Longshotline.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Moriginal
More.
Original.
Moriginal.
It's easier to be more original if you start earlier.
The person who had it the easiest was probably Adam.
Anything he made would HAVE to be original, because he was the first dude, so there was absolutely no one around before him creating anything.
Unless you count God creating anything.
Okay, so God had it the simplest then.
Deity.
Easiest.
Deiteasiest.
Original.
Moriginal.
It's easier to be more original if you start earlier.
The person who had it the easiest was probably Adam.
Anything he made would HAVE to be original, because he was the first dude, so there was absolutely no one around before him creating anything.
Unless you count God creating anything.
Okay, so God had it the simplest then.
Deity.
Easiest.
Deiteasiest.
Monday, August 24, 2009
Combozo
Combos.
Bozo.
Combozo.
Some clown who puts things together, like words maybe.
(And perhaps a more appropriate title for this blog, in hindsight.)
Blogger.
Grrrrrrr.
Bloggrrrrrrrr.
Bozo.
Combozo.
Some clown who puts things together, like words maybe.
(And perhaps a more appropriate title for this blog, in hindsight.)
Blogger.
Grrrrrrr.
Bloggrrrrrrrr.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Gazpachoo
Gazpacho.
Achoo.
Gazpachoo.
When you sneeze and cold tomato soup comes out your nose.
Veggies.
Gesundheit.
Veggesundheit.
Achoo.
Gazpachoo.
When you sneeze and cold tomato soup comes out your nose.
Veggies.
Gesundheit.
Veggesundheit.
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Raudio
Raw.
Audio.
Raudio.
Just got the first rough copy of my CD recording.
Keep staying tuned to the things I'm saying so you can eventually purchase the things I said and then be on your own schedule of listening to the things I will say.
Saying.
Yin Yang.
Sayin Yang.
Audio.
Raudio.
Just got the first rough copy of my CD recording.
Keep staying tuned to the things I'm saying so you can eventually purchase the things I said and then be on your own schedule of listening to the things I will say.
Saying.
Yin Yang.
Sayin Yang.
Hospitalian
Hospital.
Italian.
Hospitalian.
A medical facility where the food is enjoyable.
Also, it's where you end up when the mafia tries to make you sleep with the fishes, but you just end up taking a nap with them.
(Sleep is to death as nap is to coma?)
Pain.
Analogy.
Painalogy.
Italian.
Hospitalian.
A medical facility where the food is enjoyable.
Also, it's where you end up when the mafia tries to make you sleep with the fishes, but you just end up taking a nap with them.
(Sleep is to death as nap is to coma?)
Pain.
Analogy.
Painalogy.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Alcatrasberry
Alcatraz.
Raspberry.
Alcatrasberry.
One of the nicer things that can happen to you in jail.
Surprise.
Prison.
Surprison.
Raspberry.
Alcatrasberry.
One of the nicer things that can happen to you in jail.
Surprise.
Prison.
Surprison.
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Alluminati
Aluminum.
Illuminati.
Alluminati.
A secret conspiracy (involving tin* cans) that tries to take over the world but is constantly foiled.
Foil.
Failure.
Foilure.
* But not tin.
Or is it?
Metal.
Also.
Metalso.
Illuminati.
Alluminati.
A secret conspiracy (involving tin* cans) that tries to take over the world but is constantly foiled.
Foil.
Failure.
Foilure.
* But not tin.
Or is it?
Metal.
Also.
Metalso.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Futurine
Future.
Urine.
Futurine.
What I call my drinking water, when I especially don't want others to have any.
Selfish.
Fishfood.
Selfishfood.
Urine.
Futurine.
What I call my drinking water, when I especially don't want others to have any.
Selfish.
Fishfood.
Selfishfood.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Reapersonification
Reaper.
Personification.
Reapersonification.
It's been said that the only thing there is to fear is fear itself, but I think that's incorrect.
I think the only things there are to fear are pain and death.
But once you have death, there is no more pain.
And if you are in pain, that means you are not dead.
So really, there's nothing to fear at all.
Unless you believe in hell, in which case that's pain AND death combined.
Suckers.
Hades.
Desolate.
Hadesolate.
Personification.
Reapersonification.
It's been said that the only thing there is to fear is fear itself, but I think that's incorrect.
I think the only things there are to fear are pain and death.
But once you have death, there is no more pain.
And if you are in pain, that means you are not dead.
So really, there's nothing to fear at all.
Unless you believe in hell, in which case that's pain AND death combined.
Suckers.
Hades.
Desolate.
Hadesolate.
Daedalust
Daedalus.
Lust.
Daedalust.
The passion one feels for an inventor.
Especially an inventor who can make you a cow suit so you can sleep with a bull that you also have passion for.
If only the inventor was also a bull, like the story is. (Take that, mythology.)
Beau.
Bovine.
Beauvine.
Lust.
Daedalust.
The passion one feels for an inventor.
Especially an inventor who can make you a cow suit so you can sleep with a bull that you also have passion for.
If only the inventor was also a bull, like the story is. (Take that, mythology.)
Beau.
Bovine.
Beauvine.
Debutcher
Debut.
Butcher.
Debutcher.
When was the first animal killed after Noah's trip on the ark?
They only brought two of each, so what were the animals being fed until they could reproduce enough to make more food for the other animals that were carnivores and needed to eat them?
Maybe they got so hungry they had to eat the unicorns and one of the dragons (the other of which fled to Loch Ness).
Mythology.
Eats.
Mythologeats.
(See also Amoe-Bay and Dragonorrhea.)
Butcher.
Debutcher.
When was the first animal killed after Noah's trip on the ark?
They only brought two of each, so what were the animals being fed until they could reproduce enough to make more food for the other animals that were carnivores and needed to eat them?
Maybe they got so hungry they had to eat the unicorns and one of the dragons (the other of which fled to Loch Ness).
Mythology.
Eats.
Mythologeats.
(See also Amoe-Bay and Dragonorrhea.)
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Traffiction
Traffic.
Fiction.
Traffiction.
There are no cars in front of you.
They're all in your mind.
Just keep driving forward.
Also, there is no spoon.
So, good luck eating the soup they serve you in the hospital after your car accident.
Silverware.
Wary.
Silverwary.
Fiction.
Traffiction.
There are no cars in front of you.
They're all in your mind.
Just keep driving forward.
Also, there is no spoon.
So, good luck eating the soup they serve you in the hospital after your car accident.
Silverware.
Wary.
Silverwary.
Augusto
August.
Gusto.
Augusto.
What I have not been attacking this blog with so far this month.
But just wait, everything can change with one post that talks about everything changing!
Apparent.
Enthusiasm.
Apparenthusiasm.
Gusto.
Augusto.
What I have not been attacking this blog with so far this month.
But just wait, everything can change with one post that talks about everything changing!
Apparent.
Enthusiasm.
Apparenthusiasm.
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Louieekend
Louie.
Weekend.
Louieekend.
Last night, tonight, and tomorrow night, I perform with Mr. CK at Caroline's.
Come!*
(If the name of this post sounds like me saying "the weekend" in French, I apologize or you're welcome, depending how you feel about it.)
Rendezvous.
Useful.
Rendezvouseful.
* Probably don't try to come last night, because it was sold out. Also because you'd need a time machine. But I suppose if you had one of those, you could probably manage to go back far enough to get tickets also. Which would displace someone who was there last night, which is either impossible because it's already happened, or would create a parallel timeline in which you saw the show and they didn't, which I think is more likely. So go for that. Also let me know how you got a time machine.
Chronology.
Logistics.
Chronologistics.
Weekend.
Louieekend.
Last night, tonight, and tomorrow night, I perform with Mr. CK at Caroline's.
Come!*
(If the name of this post sounds like me saying "the weekend" in French, I apologize or you're welcome, depending how you feel about it.)
Rendezvous.
Useful.
Rendezvouseful.
* Probably don't try to come last night, because it was sold out. Also because you'd need a time machine. But I suppose if you had one of those, you could probably manage to go back far enough to get tickets also. Which would displace someone who was there last night, which is either impossible because it's already happened, or would create a parallel timeline in which you saw the show and they didn't, which I think is more likely. So go for that. Also let me know how you got a time machine.
Chronology.
Logistics.
Chronologistics.
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