Officeland

Office.
Iceland.
Officeland.

I'm pitching a spinoff of the American Office television program.

It's also a spinoff of the British Office.

It takes place somewhere in between.

Reykjavik.
Vicinity.
Reykjavicinity.

Conanalysis

Conan.
Analysis.
Conanalysis.

Last night, I made my network debut on the Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien.

(Conan wasn't making a debut with me, he goes with the show.)

Here is what happened. (Click on this.)

Watch if you like. Enjoy if you do. Have a party.

Disco.
Conan.
Disconan.

Cartuna

Cartoon.
Tuna.
Cartuna.

Shouldn't more animated characters be vegetarians?

There are so many anthropomorphized talking animals out there, and they're just chomping away at NON-anthropomorphized animals like it's normal.

Normal.
Malnutrition.
Normalnutrition.

You might argue no, because it's the natural order of things for animals to eat each other in the wild (e.g. fish do feed on other fish without being called cannibals), so why not eat them in the non-wild, especially when they're wearing pants like a human?

Wardrobe.
Obituary.
Wardrobituary.

Fair point, but that doesn't explain Mickey Mouse eating a steak.
(Mice are not predators of cows in the natural order of things.
But maybe talking mouse in shorts IS predator of cartoon cow.
Or just that Disney is a predator of everything.)

Jeopardize.
Disney.
Jeopardisney.

Sitcomatose

Sitcom.
Comatose.
Sitcomatose.

As a teenager, I would come home from school, do my homework, and then sit calmly in front of the TV from around 6pm until midnight.

Waste.
Steady.
Wasteady.

In my pre-teen years, I had been limited to only a half-hour of television a night, so perhaps this was my rebellious phase.

Mr. Belvedere.
Rebel.
Mr. Rebelvedere.

If only I had come across an after-school special "The Boy Who Watched Too Much TV."
But I was busy doing my homework responsibly when that would have aired, I imagine.

Square.
Responsible.
Squaresponsible.

As I grow older and tell myself that I grow wiser, I find that I've matured enough that I certainly don't sit in front of the TV nearly that much at all.

Television.
Shunned.
Televishunned.

The computer screen is where it's at now, of course!.
(Thanks Hulu, Netflix Watch it Now, and nearly every TV channel's website.)

And with fewer commercials, it's a party!*

Hulu.
Luau.
Huluau.


* But not a Superbowl party. Because those are all ABOUT the commercials.

Madden.
Advertising.
Maddenvertising.

Sorrizona

Sorry.
Arizona.
Sorrizona.

I went on ABC News Now earlier today. So not now anymore. Before. I went on ABC News Now before. Understand?

They asked me about ASU's decision not to give Obama an honorary degree, and how I felt about it, because he seemed fine with it.

My girlfriend is actually from Arizona and, in preparation for my appearance (before Now, or before then, if you will), told me that Arizona was one of the last states to recognize MLK's birthday as a holiday, and then only because they were afraid they couldn't have the Superbowl if they didn't.

That said, she pointed out that it's difficult to get an honorary degree if you don't have any honor.

So, she said that before Now, so that I could say it on Now, and now that it's later (after Now), I just wanted to clear something up, because the person interviewing me said "ouch" and apologized to their Arizona listeners.

And I wanted to apologize for a couple things:

1) For saying on air "no offense," because that's lame.
2) For NOT saying on air that this point had come from a smart person FROM Arizona.
3) For not having a third thing to apologize for.
4) For creating a paradox that may destroy the universe but hasn't yet, it seems.

That's all.

ASU.
Sucka.
A SUcka.

(Seriously, no offense.)

Nymphomercial

Nympho.
Infomercial.
Nymphomercial.

The kind of ad they run really late at night.

(Generally geared towards people who are up and busy not being in a relationship.)

Advertising.
Single.
Advertisingle.

Legallantry

Legal.
Gallantry.
Legallantry.

I once considered going to law school, because of how many legal TV shows I've enjoyed.*

(I especially like Boston Legal.)**

Legislative.
TV
LegislaTV.

It looked like fun, but I imagined there might be more to the law than just being smarmy and hilarious, so I ultimately decided against it.

Probably a good idea, considering I didn't even want to put in the minimal research needed to find out how much research would be involved in actually being a lawyer.

Unless you count reading John Grisham.

Dumbest.
Bestseller.
Dumbestseller.

Also, just because someone enjoys watching something, it doesn't necessarily follow that they'd enjoy DOING that something.

For example, I've also enjoyed Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Oz, and 24, but I don't want to fight vampires, be assaulted, OR torture even proven enemies of the state.***

Because I'm a pacifist, a coward, AND a liberal.

And there would probably be too much research involved.

Figures.
Research.
Figuresearch.


* Legal TV shows that may have been downloaded and watched illegally, ironically.

Pirated.
Attorneys.
Pirattorneys.


** Boston Legal episodes that may have been watched in Boston, non-ironically.

Has-Been.
Beantown.
Has-Beentown.


*** I might torture anti-American vampires that are assaulting me, if it comes to that.

Hypocrite.
Creative.
Hypocreative.

F-bombudsman

F-bomb.
Ombudsman.
F-bombudsman.

You might notice that there are no swear words here.
Plenty of references to pedophilia, bestiality, incest, and necrophilia, sure, but no swear words.
Everything in TV-friendly terminology.*

Because really, do you need to swear to talk about being sexually attracted to children, animals, your family, or the dead?
Is that what society has come to?

That's not how I was raised by my dead Uncle Werewolf (who was also somehow a child).**

Necrophilia.
Philosophy.
Incest.
Necrophilosophincest.


* Just in case anyone in Hollywood wants to turn this blog into a sitcom.

Two and a Half Blogs?
30 Blog?
My Name is Blog?
Blogs? (That's "Scrubs.")

And those are only if you want to turn it into a sitcom that already exists...
Imagine all that's available if you start from scratch!

Limitless.
Escapades.
Limitlescapades.


** Werewolves age differently, like vampires. (Let's say.)***
If they get turned at an early age, their mind will grow older and more mature, but their body will stay frozen at that early age, just like the famous werewolf Gary Coleman.

Lupine.
Inertia.
Lupinertia.


*** And if you want to argue that werewolves do NOT act like vampires in this respect, well, then I guess we just know different werewolves, then, don't we?

Argument deadlocked.

Standstill.
Ill-formed.
Standstill-formed.

Remembryo

Remember.
Embryo.
Remembryo.

Some people claim to recall very early memories.

Early.
Liars.
Earliars.

Some people claim to recall past lives.

Reincarnated.
Aren't.
Reincaren't.

Some people even claim to remember the future.

Nostradamus.
Amusing.
Nostradamusing.

What if Nostradamus was reborn today and remembered everything he said would happen?

He'd probably read all the interpretations of his predictions and be like, "No, no, no! This isn't what I meant at all. Why is nothing being done to stop the coming apocalypse?"

And then he'd get sidetracked with his own reality TV show...*

Television.
Visionary.
Televisionary.

...something like "Who Wants to Marry Nostradamus?" where he would make predictions about who his potential wife and then go out looking for her.

ESP.
Spouse.
ESPouse.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I remember being Nostradamus and now I demand my own reality show.

Memory.
Reality.
Memoreality.

Seriously. I could remember it. It could be real. TV me!

Imagine.
Ginko Biloba.
Imaginko Biloba.


* Reality Tell a Vision.

Geneticklish

Genetic.
Ticklish.
Geneticklish.

It must be.
But why?

What evolutionary advantage is there in the ability to giggle when someone touches you?
And not even the happy kind of giggling.
More the rage-inducing kind.

Apparently, it's a useful adaptation that goes back to when sabre-toothed tigers would tickle cavemen.*
The ensuing caveman rage would enable them to survive, of course, by focusing that anger into the domestication of the tigers, as seen in any reality TV show featuring cavemen.**

Domestic.
Cats.
Domesticats.

So if anyone ever tickles you and you get mad, just pet them and they're yours.
And that's how science works.



* Tigers would only tickle the male cavepeople, let's say, to avoid the awkward usage of the word "cavepeople" as much as possible.

** e.g. "Pangaean Idol"
"Top Chef Before Fire Existed"
"America's Next Top Caveman"
"Who Wants to Be a Guy With a Big Stone?"
(That is caveman currency equivalent to $1 million today.
In fact, given the markets, a stone might be worth even more now.)

Braggartistry

Braggart.
Artistry.
Braggartistry.

Sometimes artists are pitted against one another...
Battles of the bands.
Comedy competitions.
Reality television shows.
Bum fights.

Who will win at art?
Who will be judged to score the highest number of talent points?
Who will be the voted president of creativity?
Whose life blood will be triumphant?

I have a new idea for a reality show, and here are some of the working title ideas:
"Deal or No Integrity"
"Last Moral Fiber Standing"
"Who Wants to Be a Millionaire, but with Principles instead of Dollars?"

The show will search for artists who are the most pure of intent in their creations.
Then it will put them in a house and have them destroy each other.

The way to audition for the show is to not show up for auditions.
(I'll see you there!)

PS It's going to be fixed. The bum wins.

American Idol.
I don't.
American Idon't.

Pessimystic

Pessimist.
Mystic.
Pessimystic.

Whenever a psychic on a TV show has a vision of the future, it always seems to be of a future gone wrong that has to be fixed.

Just once, it would be nice for a psychic to get message like, "The future is bright! And not from a nuclear explosion that you have to try and prevent! It's just figuratively bright this time! So it won't blind you again like last time!"

That's how it goes for the fictional TV psychic.

As for the real life psychics, they probably don't even let you know they're psychic.
They use their powers to amass real wealth for themselves, not read your palm for a special $5 rate.

Maybe that's pessimistic.
Fine.
Real life psychics don't exist, there's no magic in the world, and everything is as it seems.
The glass is half full of air that's polluted.
It's all second-hand smoke and broken mirrors.

There.
You like realism better than pessimism?

And your palm will say it wants to go back into your pocket and get more money for the "psychic."


Which is why the TV psychic needs to receive more positive messages...
To provide more hope for the inhabitants of the real world.
To show potential happiness in fiction that can turn into fact.
To uplift people's spirits so they'll believe once more, in these troubled times.

And to give me a foundation so I can get my new palm-reading business off the ground.