Caspervy

Casper.
Pervy.
Caspervy.

Sometimes at night my bedroom door creaks and opens, like there's a ghost peeping tom after me.

Or it could just be a crosswind.*

Breezy.
ZZZs.
BreeZZZs.


* What makes the wind so cross? Because it hasn't found a ghost to love?

Airflow.
Lonely.
Airflonely.

Memoirresponsible

Memoir.
Irresponsible.
Memoirresponsible.

I never read autobiographies, because they're a rip-off.

They purport to be an account of a person's life, but it's never the person's WHOLE life, because after they finish writing it, they keep living longer and do more stuff.

And it seems unreasonable for an autobiography to require a sequel.
(Except in situations of someone who remembers past lives.)

Reincarnation.
National Bestseller.
Reincarnational Bestseller.

So, I would read an autobiography under only two conditions:

1) The author promises never to do anything interesting after the book is finished.

2) The author kills themself right as they finish.

Option two seems the purest, most trustworthy way to guarantee that you're getting the whole story.

(Unless there is an afterlife, in which case I would hope that the author's ghost writer would provide the necessary details after the fact.)

Superimposed.
Posthumously.
Superimposthumously.

Warlocksmith

Warlock.
Locksmith.
Warlocksmith.

Where a witch goes when they lose their keys.

You'd think they could just magic their way into their home, or do some sort of locating spell to find the keys, but sorry witches, magic isn't real. *

Unless you let Jesus into your heart.
Then Jesus will let you into your home. **

Heaven helps those who pray correctly.

Divine.
Intervention.
Divintervention.


* The silver lining of this--water won't make you melt.
Or you won't float on it.
Something about water...

Wet.
Witch.
Wetch.

...but it's not totally defined.
There hasn't been a clear decision made on Salem v. Oz.


** Or at least St. Anthony.
You don't have to go through all the bureaucracy of God or Jesus.
Know who to call. ***

Saint.
Anthony.
Sainthony.


*** Not the Ghostbusters, in this instance.
Unless you lost your keys in a puddle of protoplasm.
Then pray to Egon.

Slimer.
Miracle.
Slimiracle.

Corporathole

Corporate.
Rathole.
Corporathole.

I used to work in the cafe at a large bookstore.

Some mornings, the manager of the store would hold mandatory "rallies,"* which meant every available employee would have to gather round ye olde gathering-round place, and hear tales of corporate motivation.**

Smiles.
Lessons.
Smilessons.

I used to dread these meetings, until I realized how entertaining they could be, if I just viewed them as if they were intended to be satire of the corporate world, rather than the actual horrible corporate world.

e.g. The manager would say something like, "Sales last week were good, but this week they can be even better, if we just sell more!"
And I would think, "This guy is great! Better than Dilbert!"

Dilbert.
Better.
Dilbetter.

And this is a method that has served me well in life moving forward, and you can use it, too!

Any time someone seems unreasonable and you wonder "How can they be this way?" just shift that to "It's hilarious that they actually ARE this way," and your life is now full of fun, as long as they don't fire you or beat you up.

Satire.
Retribution.
Satiretribution.


* Like a pep rally, but where the manager sucks all the pep out of everyone else, instead of providing it.

Cheerleader.
Dearth.
Cheerleadearth.


** Like ghost stories of employees who didn't smile enough and were never heard from again.

Retail.
Tales from the Crypt.
Retails from the Crypt.

Ghostracize

Ghost.
Ostracize.
Ghostracize.

Casper must get picked on by the less friendly spirits.

Unless they just suck up to him because he's friendly with Richie Rich. *

Ghoul.
Ulterior.
Ghoulterior.


* If evil things are concerned with money, that is.
(I heard something once about the two going together.)

Demon.
Monetary.
Demonetary.

Phantomato

Phantom.
Tomato.
Phantomato.

Ghost of a vegetable. Or fruit.

This unresolved identity crisis haunted it constantly in life, leading to an untimely death resulting from illegal drug use.

Marinara.
Narcotics.
Marinarcotics.

Careerie

Career.
Eerie.
Careerie.

Ghost busting for a living.

Seems like a scary job, but basically you're just telling someone that they can cut out of work early.
Because spirits are always only hanging around to complete some "unfinished business."
And all they have to be told is that their work is done.
No more chain-clanking, no more terror-inducing, no more blood-splattering necessary.*

Time to punch out. Forever.
No big.

Slime.
Timesheet.
Slimesheet.


* That last one especially true for the ghost of Jackson Pollack.

Paint.
Intangible.
Paintangible.

Cheeseance

Cheese.
Seance.
Cheeseance.

Mystical communication with cow spirits whose suffering produces dairy products.

Moo.
Ouija.
Moouija.

Crucifixer-upper

Crucifix.
Fixer-upper.
Crucifixer-upper.

What happened to Mr. Christ* had to happen.
It was just God bringing his son along on Take Your Child to Work Day.

Apologies.
Jesus.
Apologesus.


* Questions:
1. Is God's last name "Christ" as well?
2. If God is Jesus' father, is Joseph Jesus' godfather?
3. At high school dances, kids are told not to dance too close in order to leave room for the Holy Ghost. Does the Holy Ghost really go that many proms?
(Answer: yes, because he is a great dancer. Bad dancers have two left feet, and the Holy Ghost has zero left feet. Or feet.)

Ghostbusterility

Ghostbuster.
Sterility.
Ghostbusterility.

Who you gonna call,
when something's strange in your baby-making neighborhood (probably due to working so closely with protoplasmic slime)?