Draculinary

Dracula.
Culinary.
Draculinary.

Cooking without garlic.

And with items that can't be purchased at the grocery store.

They can be acquired there, just not by purchasing. *
More by murdering or kidnapping.

Duress.
Recipe.
Durecipe.


* They can also be acquired anywhere else where people are.
Don't you see?
The food is people! It's made of people!

Soylent.**
Entrails.
Soylentrails.

And it's a cookbook! The cookbook is made of people!
He's eating the cookbook that's made of people!


** It always seemed strange that "Soylent" had the word "Soy" right in it, and yet wasn't a fake meat product.
What would you call the tofu substitute version of Soylent Green?

Edamame.
Maimed.
Edamaimed.

Doppelganger Management

Doppelganger.
Anger Management.
Doppelganger Management.

Don't freak out if your evil twin wreaks havoc on your life.

Getting mad never solved anyone's problems, except for the Hulk.
But remember that it also created new problems for him as well.

Sure, it solved the issue of bullets hurting him, but what about the trouble of how many pairs of pants he had to buy? Or steal, probably.

Of course, if he didn't turn into the Hulk and got shot with bullets, he would probably bleed all over his pants and need new ones anyway.
(Along with the rest of a suit to be buried in.)

So, to sum up:
Don't freak out, unless you're the Hulk.
Then it might be okay, but still likely a mixed bag.
(Maybe try to solve your problems with science first. Be smart.)

Banner.
Nerd.
Bannerd.

Braggartistry

Braggart.
Artistry.
Braggartistry.

Sometimes artists are pitted against one another...
Battles of the bands.
Comedy competitions.
Reality television shows.
Bum fights.

Who will win at art?
Who will be judged to score the highest number of talent points?
Who will be the voted president of creativity?
Whose life blood will be triumphant?

I have a new idea for a reality show, and here are some of the working title ideas:
"Deal or No Integrity"
"Last Moral Fiber Standing"
"Who Wants to Be a Millionaire, but with Principles instead of Dollars?"

The show will search for artists who are the most pure of intent in their creations.
Then it will put them in a house and have them destroy each other.

The way to audition for the show is to not show up for auditions.
(I'll see you there!)

PS It's going to be fixed. The bum wins.

American Idol.
I don't.
American Idon't.

Stubbleeding

Stubble.
Bleeding.
Stubbleeding.

The worst of both worlds in shaving.

You didn't get the job done, and the part that you DID get done, you did poorly.

Shame.
A mess.
Shamess.

Of course, if you lose enough blood, you could die and then don't have to worry about your stubbly face.

Unless you have enough stubble to soak up the blood and reabsorb it.

Then you live to fret another day.

Tomorrow.
Worry.
Tomorroworry.

Saturniquet

Saturn.
Tourniquet.
Saturniquet.

Its rings are there to keep it from bleeding.

Jupiter could learn something from this.
With bigger and more absorbent rings, that great red spot could be taken care of.

Bloodles

Blood.
Oodles.*
Bloodles.

Rhyming with "poodles," an equally adorable way to describe massive bleeding to distract a person with massive bleeding.

Sad irony: "bloodles" is only one letter away from "bloodless," its adjectival opposite.

e.g. "Is there a lot of blood?"
The number of "s"s** in the answer is extremely important.


* Note that this is an unorthodox usage of the word "oodles," which was coined really to only describe an amount of noodles.
But I believe "bloodles" will catch on.
e.g. "Hold on, doctor! The Red Cross is almost here with their delivery of bloodles!"

** What's the best way to write the plural of the letter "s"?
"S"s? S's? Esses? Sz? S'?
Who pluralizes the pluralizer?

Vampirates

Vampire.
Pirates.
Vampirates.

Use your imagination.
I'll help...

They would probably be pretty careful about making you walk a wooden plank.

And they'd eat a lot of blood oranges. (To avoid scurvy and thirst.)
Then they'd get upset when they learned that blood oranges don't have real blood in them.
(Just like bacon bits don't have real bacon in them. Or blood.)
Then they'd kill whoever misinformed them about the blood oranges, and drink THEIR blood.
And everyone would be happy. Except for that dead guy.

Your turn!