Lupinocchio

Lupine.
Pinocchio.
Lupinnocchio.

A wolf who wants to be a real boy.

Like one of Mowgli's "brothers" who is jealous of his opposable thumbs.

Jungle.
Learning.
Junglearning.

Patriarchenemy

Patriarch.
Archenemy.
Patriarchenemy.

To some, another word for father.*
(Not me! Happy Fathers' Day!)

Holiday.
Dad.
Holidad.

I had breakfast with my father for Fathers' Day today, and then lunch with my mother for her birthday tomorrow.**

Family.
Eating.
Famileating.

At lunch, a friend of my grandmother's told me about how he orders a tuna sandwich when he's out at restaurants.

First, he asks if the tuna is fresh, and they say "Of course."

Then, he tells them he actually prefers it if it's three or four days old, do they have any of that around?

If they say, "No, only fresh tuna," he says, "All right, I can deal with that."

If they say, "Yes, we have some of that," he says, "I'll have the egg salad."

Chicken.
Kinship.
Chickinship.


* To others, another word for matriarch?

Maternal.
Alright.
Maternalright.


** Her birthday is tomorrow, but we had lunch for it today.

I was not reporting on future events.

Those are secrets.

Chronology.
Conspiracy.
Chronspiracy.

Grouchomsky

Groucho.
Chomsky.
Grouchomsky.

He doesn't care to belong to any linguistics organization that would have him as a member.

Harpo.
Policies.
Harpolicies

(Even though he is one of its founding fathers, along with his brothers: Franz Boppo, Wilhelm von Humbo, and Ferdinand de Saussuro.)

Chico.
Counterparts.
Chicounterparts.

Accomplisterine

Accomplice.
Listerine.
Accomplisterine.

Someone who helps dose you with mouthwash.

Because you're too proud. Or ignorant of your horrible breath.

And the amount they love you is greater than the amount your breath is horrible.

Halitosis.
Sister.
Halitosister.

Bambo

Bambi.
Rambo.
Bambo.

When his mother was killed by Vietnamese hunters, he swore vengeance.

It was difficult to pick up a gun, what with the hooves and all, but biding his time paid off eventually.

Bayonette.
Antlers.
Bayontlers.

Placebola

Placebo.
Ebola.
Placebola.

A fake flesh-eating virus that mentally feels like the real thing.

Fun for the whole family.
If the whole family likes playing horrible practical jokes on people.

Sociopath.
Patsies.
Sociopatsies.

Claustrophobickering

Claustrophobic.
Bickering.
Claustrophobickering.

Disagreements in enclosed spaces, especially on long road trips with family. *

Car.
Argumentative.
Cargumentative.


* But also in other everyday situations, like being trapped in an elevator, crowded into a phone booth, or waiting for the world to end in a bomb shelter.

Or especially while trying to call someone because the elevator to the safe room is stuck.

Shelter.
Terror.
Shelterror.

F-bombudsman

F-bomb.
Ombudsman.
F-bombudsman.

You might notice that there are no swear words here.
Plenty of references to pedophilia, bestiality, incest, and necrophilia, sure, but no swear words.
Everything in TV-friendly terminology.*

Because really, do you need to swear to talk about being sexually attracted to children, animals, your family, or the dead?
Is that what society has come to?

That's not how I was raised by my dead Uncle Werewolf (who was also somehow a child).**

Necrophilia.
Philosophy.
Incest.
Necrophilosophincest.


* Just in case anyone in Hollywood wants to turn this blog into a sitcom.

Two and a Half Blogs?
30 Blog?
My Name is Blog?
Blogs? (That's "Scrubs.")

And those are only if you want to turn it into a sitcom that already exists...
Imagine all that's available if you start from scratch!

Limitless.
Escapades.
Limitlescapades.


** Werewolves age differently, like vampires. (Let's say.)***
If they get turned at an early age, their mind will grow older and more mature, but their body will stay frozen at that early age, just like the famous werewolf Gary Coleman.

Lupine.
Inertia.
Lupinertia.


*** And if you want to argue that werewolves do NOT act like vampires in this respect, well, then I guess we just know different werewolves, then, don't we?

Argument deadlocked.

Standstill.
Ill-formed.
Standstill-formed.

Caesardines

Caesar.
Sardines.
Caesardines.

Julius and his family used to be packed in their home so tightly, it's no wonder he needed to expand his empire across all of Europe.

Roman.
Management.
Romanagement.

It also helped popularize his fishy salad dressing and fishy birthing method across the continent.*

Pregnant.
Anchovy.
Pregnanchovy.

(To make the salad, mix together oil, vinegar, and other ingredients with some small fish that you cut out of the belly of a larger fish.

Dressing.
Recipe.
Dressipe.)

Then spread out and enjoy the fruits of your labor.


* Just like the old saying says, "When in Rome, have a salad and a C-section."

I came, I saw, I croutoned.

Symmetryst

Symmetry.
Tryst.
Symmetryst.

A romantic encounter that looks identical when folded on its axis.

Maybe between twins?

Twin.
Incest.
Twincest.

Grandmanure

Grandma.
Manure.
Grandmanure.

I was telling my grandmother about my recent trip to Minnesota.
She responded, "Minnesota? You're all over the place! Like horse manure!"

It's important to note that my grandmother does not live anywhere that's full of horse manure (or any type of manure).
She does not live on a farm.
She does not live in an outhouse.
She does not live in a house made of manure.
She does not live on the set of Jackass.
She does not live on the set of any of the Back to the Future movies.
She does not live on the set of the new crossover sequel called Jackass to the Future.
(That I know of.
She could be keeping it under raps, Hollywood-style.)

The point is, I don't think horse manure should be her reference point for something that's ubiquitous, when other options exist.
(I think manure should always be the last resort when other options exist.)

How about, "You're all over the place! Like Starbucks!"

Which still evokes the ESSENCE of manure, but with more subtlety and grace.

Cappucino.
Innocuous.
Cappucinnocuous.

Tuberculosisters

Tuberculosis.
Sisters.
Tuberculosisters.

The saddest vaudeville act of all time.