Tasty.
Styx.
Tastyx.
It might be delicious, but it's probably best to avoid drinking from the river that brings you to the underworld, unless you're literally dying of thirst and you'll end up there anyway.
Hades.
Desperate.
Hadesperate.
Achilles got dunked in the river, and see what eventually happened to him...
Achilles.
Lesson.
Achillesson.
So, if you must drink river water, try one that doesn't border the land of the dead.
Mississippi.
Sippy-cup.
Mississippy-cup.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Cherubimbo
Cherubim.
Bimbo.
Cherubimbo.
A pretty dumb angel.
One who doesn't know whether there should be a comma between "pretty" and "dumb," or how that would affect the meaning of the phrase.
Ambiguity.
Guidelines.
Ambiguidelines.
One who doesn't eat angel food cake to avoid being a cannibal.
Careful.
Foolish.
Carefoolish.
One who stands on your shoulder to whisper advice into your ear but faces the wrong way, thus only allowing the devil's message through.
Guardian.
Diablo.
Guardiablo.
One who would forget where his halo was if it weren't attached.
Shining.
Nincompoop.
Shinincompoop.
Bimbo.
Cherubimbo.
A pretty dumb angel.
One who doesn't know whether there should be a comma between "pretty" and "dumb," or how that would affect the meaning of the phrase.
Ambiguity.
Guidelines.
Ambiguidelines.
One who doesn't eat angel food cake to avoid being a cannibal.
Careful.
Foolish.
Carefoolish.
One who stands on your shoulder to whisper advice into your ear but faces the wrong way, thus only allowing the devil's message through.
Guardian.
Diablo.
Guardiablo.
One who would forget where his halo was if it weren't attached.
Shining.
Nincompoop.
Shinincompoop.
Juggernautistic
Juggernaut.
Autistic.
Juggernautistic.
An unstoppable savant.
Rain Man on PCP. Or crack. Or acid.
Acid Rain Man.
Autistic.
Juggernautistic.
An unstoppable savant.
Rain Man on PCP. Or crack. Or acid.
Acid Rain Man.
Machopsticks
Macho.
Chopsticks.
Machopsticks.
It's difficult to look tough while eating with chopsticks.
Not like eating with a knife and knife, where you can totally intimidate your food through aggressive posturing.
Confucius actually declared this the reason to use chopsticks--to avoid equating dining with anything violent.
Violent.
Lentils.
Violents.
Of course, being stabbed through the heart with a chopstick seems even more vicious than using a knife.
Which is why Confucius never got much backing from the vampire lobby.
Nor the environmental lobby, as an estimated 90 billion chopsticks are thrown away per year, which comes out to approximately 25 million full-grown trees, or who knows how many bonsai trees.
(Probably all of them.)
Sounds pretty aggressive to the trees.
And what non-violent tools are they using to cut down these trees?*
That is, however, only when chopsticks are made out of wood.
They can also be created from bronze or other metals, plastic, ivory, or bone.
(Depending what wedding anniversary you're on.)
Wooden.
Denied.
Woodenied.
Ivory or bone?
There we go, much less violent.
e.g. "Pronged utensils are too aggressive!
Now, let's take down that mammoth and use its tusks to make instruments of tranquility!
Also pull out its skeleton, that will also come in handy on our mission of peace!"
Which also brings up the question, what tools did they use to bring down such creatures and extract the bone and ivory?*
Weapon.
Pontification.
Weapontification.
It actually turns out that they only use the bones and ivory from VAMPIRE elephants.
And violence against the undead is universally accepted.
Even by Confucius and environmentalists.
By everyone.
(Everyone except the vampire lobby, of course.
But they couldn't make it to the meeting to voice their objections, as their elephant transport had gone missing.)
* Answer: martial arts, which is technically self-defense.
Totally acceptable.
Chopsticks.
Machopsticks.
It's difficult to look tough while eating with chopsticks.
Not like eating with a knife and knife, where you can totally intimidate your food through aggressive posturing.
Confucius actually declared this the reason to use chopsticks--to avoid equating dining with anything violent.
Violent.
Lentils.
Violents.
Of course, being stabbed through the heart with a chopstick seems even more vicious than using a knife.
Which is why Confucius never got much backing from the vampire lobby.
Nor the environmental lobby, as an estimated 90 billion chopsticks are thrown away per year, which comes out to approximately 25 million full-grown trees, or who knows how many bonsai trees.
(Probably all of them.)
Sounds pretty aggressive to the trees.
And what non-violent tools are they using to cut down these trees?*
That is, however, only when chopsticks are made out of wood.
They can also be created from bronze or other metals, plastic, ivory, or bone.
(Depending what wedding anniversary you're on.)
Wooden.
Denied.
Woodenied.
Ivory or bone?
There we go, much less violent.
e.g. "Pronged utensils are too aggressive!
Now, let's take down that mammoth and use its tusks to make instruments of tranquility!
Also pull out its skeleton, that will also come in handy on our mission of peace!"
Which also brings up the question, what tools did they use to bring down such creatures and extract the bone and ivory?*
Weapon.
Pontification.
Weapontification.
It actually turns out that they only use the bones and ivory from VAMPIRE elephants.
And violence against the undead is universally accepted.
Even by Confucius and environmentalists.
By everyone.
(Everyone except the vampire lobby, of course.
But they couldn't make it to the meeting to voice their objections, as their elephant transport had gone missing.)
* Answer: martial arts, which is technically self-defense.
Totally acceptable.
Friday, January 30, 2009
Platomic
Plato.
Atomic.
Platomic.
Describing what seems like the ideal form of a relationship, but then blows up and you're just friends.
Like if you play "When Harry Met Sally" backwards.*
Philosophy.
Sophisticated.
Philosophisticated.
* Also, Sally is played by Socrates.
Socrates.
Tease.
Socratease.
Atomic.
Platomic.
Describing what seems like the ideal form of a relationship, but then blows up and you're just friends.
Like if you play "When Harry Met Sally" backwards.*
Philosophy.
Sophisticated.
Philosophisticated.
* Also, Sally is played by Socrates.
Socrates.
Tease.
Socratease.
Waiterse
Waiter.
Terse.
Waiterse.
Waiting tables is a hard job.
Sometimes servers will be in a bad mood, and you might not get to be friends with them.
Here are a few ways you can inject some fun into the waitstaff-customer interaction:
1) When your plate is empty and it is clear you are done, point to the plate (where there is no food, remember?) and ask if you can get it wrapped up.*
2) If they ask "Will there be anything else?" say "No," and if they say, "Just the check then?" say "No, not that either." **
3) Tip very well. ***
* One time I did this, and the server was so tickled that she handed the plate to another server and told HER to have it wrapped up.
It was beautiful.
** One time I did this, and the server was so tickled that she brought me the check right away.
And she kept a straight face the whole time. She was good.
*** This one works on everyone, not just food service workers.
Throwing money around is fun for everyone.
As long as you stick with bills.
Money.
Neato.
Moneato.
Terse.
Waiterse.
Waiting tables is a hard job.
Sometimes servers will be in a bad mood, and you might not get to be friends with them.
Here are a few ways you can inject some fun into the waitstaff-customer interaction:
1) When your plate is empty and it is clear you are done, point to the plate (where there is no food, remember?) and ask if you can get it wrapped up.*
2) If they ask "Will there be anything else?" say "No," and if they say, "Just the check then?" say "No, not that either." **
3) Tip very well. ***
* One time I did this, and the server was so tickled that she handed the plate to another server and told HER to have it wrapped up.
It was beautiful.
** One time I did this, and the server was so tickled that she brought me the check right away.
And she kept a straight face the whole time. She was good.
*** This one works on everyone, not just food service workers.
Throwing money around is fun for everyone.
As long as you stick with bills.
Money.
Neato.
Moneato.
Trojanitor
Trojan.
Janitor.
Trojanitor.
The guy who had to clean up after the horse.
(Smelly job.)
Greek.
Reeked.
Greeked.
Janitor.
Trojanitor.
The guy who had to clean up after the horse.
(Smelly job.)
Greek.
Reeked.
Greeked.
Bootlegos
Bootleg.
Legos.
Bootlegos.
Wanted: illegal children's toys.
Last seen in the shape of a pirate ship.
Taboo.
Booty.
Tabooty.
Legos.
Bootlegos.
Wanted: illegal children's toys.
Last seen in the shape of a pirate ship.
Taboo.
Booty.
Tabooty.
Blistanbul
Bliss.
Istanbul.
Blistanbul.
In the past day, this blog got a dozen hits from the nation of Turkey.
Turkey.
Keyed Up.
Turkeyed Up.
And that was before the phrase "Ottoman Empire" was posted just moments ago.
Imagine the traffic that will inspire.
Ottoman.
Manifold.
Ottomanifold.
Also, one hit came in from Belgium in the past day.
Let's pick it up, Belgians. Turkey is kicking your ass.
Tell your friends to put down their waffles and French fries (look it up) and represent.
Belgium.
Umpteen.
Belgiumpteen.
Istanbul.
Blistanbul.
In the past day, this blog got a dozen hits from the nation of Turkey.
Turkey.
Keyed Up.
Turkeyed Up.
And that was before the phrase "Ottoman Empire" was posted just moments ago.
Imagine the traffic that will inspire.
Ottoman.
Manifold.
Ottomanifold.
Also, one hit came in from Belgium in the past day.
Let's pick it up, Belgians. Turkey is kicking your ass.
Tell your friends to put down their waffles and French fries (look it up) and represent.
Belgium.
Umpteen.
Belgiumpteen.
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