Grandmanure

Grandma.
Manure.
Grandmanure.

I was telling my grandmother about my recent trip to Minnesota.
She responded, "Minnesota? You're all over the place! Like horse manure!"

It's important to note that my grandmother does not live anywhere that's full of horse manure (or any type of manure).
She does not live on a farm.
She does not live in an outhouse.
She does not live in a house made of manure.
She does not live on the set of Jackass.
She does not live on the set of any of the Back to the Future movies.
She does not live on the set of the new crossover sequel called Jackass to the Future.
(That I know of.
She could be keeping it under raps, Hollywood-style.)

The point is, I don't think horse manure should be her reference point for something that's ubiquitous, when other options exist.
(I think manure should always be the last resort when other options exist.)

How about, "You're all over the place! Like Starbucks!"

Which still evokes the ESSENCE of manure, but with more subtlety and grace.

Cappucino.
Innocuous.
Cappucinnocuous.

Blizzarduos Coldege

Cold.
College.
Coldege.

Sometimes it's said that people who live in the South are stupid.
I submit that they are not.
Because they live in the South, where the weather is a positive number all the time.

People in the South may talk slowly, but that's probably just because they're not trying to rub two vocal chords together for warmth. They're not in a hurry to get out of the cold that they're not stupidly living in.

I was in Minnesota performing at a college.
It was cold there.
Seventeen degrees below zero. Fahrenheit. (More like Fahren-depth.)
Below nothing.
Below existence.
Existence is positive.
This was negative. No good. Seventeen degrees of no good.
I was not a fan.
(Which is good, because a fan only would have blown more cold air.)

Minnesota.
So cold.
Minneso cold.

It may have frozen the part of my brain that blogs sensibly.

Blizzard.
Arduous.
Blizzarduous.