Gopheroic

Gopher.
Heroic.
Gopheroic.

Groundhog's Day is coming up.
A burrowing rodent* can save us all from more winter
(if you believe in that sort of magic**).

Burrow.
Rodent.
Burrodent.


* Gophers and groundhogs actually differ in a few key ways that don't affect my life or this blog post: size, aggression level, number of natural predators, ability to swim, whether they hibernate, and when they breed, for example.

Knowledge.
Education.
Knowleducation.

They don't differ in relevant ways that I've already mentioned (they're burrowing rodents).


** In which case, why not just ask Santa for a shorter winter?
e.g. "I'm dreaming of a white Christmas, and then an immediate spring."

Winter.
Terminated.
Winterminated.

And if you've been bad, then he brings you coal instead, and you use that to warm yourself up.

Win-win.
Winter.
Win-winter.

Cokey Dokey

Coke.
Okey dokey.
Cokey dokey.

Coca-Cola is comprised of evil plus delicious.
(Plus a secret ingredient, which is another dose of evil. Secret evil.)

Growing up, I was limited to drinking milk regularly, and was only permitted to poison my insides on special occasions.

And I loved it.

The diabolical organization responsible created the lie of Santa Claus, not to trick children into being good, but to trick adults into purchasing too much high fructose corn syrup.
e.g. "That man is fat but also jolly and I want my kids to be happy, so what's he drinking?"
(They also made up Santa the Polar Bear, but he really just brings toys to all the good polar bears and girls.
A bear cannot be as easily corrupted as a human.)

As an adult, I eventually saw through Coke/Santa's deception (being Jewish helped).
You might say I took whichever pill from the Matrix would make a good analogy.
(Hopefully not one with X-mas colors.)

Point is, now I'm popping pills instead of drinking soda.
Exchanging one kind of pop for another, the noun for the verb.

But so many people are still living the lie of Santa and corn and toys and acid drink.
New York City is doing what it can, having proposed an obesity tax placed on items like non-diet soda*.
A great idea, especially if its application is announced over a loudspeaker system whenever a purchase is made.
e.g. "A Coke? With the OBESITY TAX, that comes to [some ridiculous amount], Fatso. Why aren't you crying more?"

If knowledge can't do the job, perhaps shame can.

It might be difficult, in a world where so many people just see the word "obese" as plural of "oboose" (a word whose meaning they don't care about) and not as short for "Oh, Be [the size of] a city" (a directive they apparently do care about).

But working together, we can spread the knowledge and shame and bring the evil empire of Coca Cola to its knees, or at least hunch it over to a slightly lower share of the market so the advantage goes to Pepsi, who commissioned the writing of this post.

Pepsi.
Psychology.
Pepsychology.


* Diet soda is exempt from the obesity tax, because its lobby was created by Satan himself.
The greatest trick he ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist.
The second-greatest trick he ever pulled was convincing the world that diet soda is healthy.

Catatomic

Catatonic.
Atomic.
Catatomic.

The state the human race might be in soon, thanks to nuclear proliferation.
(Better than the state of New Jersey, am I right, ladies? Comedy!)

But seriously folks, all human life is in danger like never before.
Nuclear weapons could kill everyone, in a way that everyone couldn't be killed NEARLY as easily ever in the past.
If humans wanted to destroy everyone before this past century, it would have taken a LOT of work. Let's examine...

Certainly, Alexander the Great covered a lot of ground in his conquests, but nowhere near what a couple bombs could take out.
Not so great now, are you? (Unless the great thing about him is that he couldn't eliminate the entire world's population.)

William the Conqueror conquered a bunch too, probably. Or I'm just being tricked by his name.
(Surely you can't call yourself "The Conqueror" with only one or two conquests under your belt.
Unless you're scary enough that you could say "I'm the Conqueror and I'll conquer anyone who says otherwise," and no one takes you up on it.
More research needed.)

Maybe if those two had gotten together, they could have done some more great conquering.
But I doubt they could have gotten everyone--they're still just human.
(Even the superhuman Santa can't get around to everyone in the world. That's why he leaves out Jews, Hindus, Muslims, Zoroastrians, etc.
Though if he gave himself more than one night, and delivered death instead of toys, he could probably do enough damage to get away with calling himself Santa the Great Conqueror.)

The bubonic plague took out a bunch of people in its time, maybe a quarter of the world's population.
But the entire population back then was only between 5 and 10% of what it is today.
Not so bubonic now, are you?
And that wasn't even humans doing that.
It was rats. Biological warfare suicide rats.

So, what I'm saying is, we have to be careful in modern times.
We have to make sure nuclear options don't could fall into the wrong hands (those hands being paws belonging to rats that might team up with Santa).
Nuclear genius suicide rats teamed up with the power of Christmas?
That could eliminate life as we know it on this planet before you even have a chance to eat your last armageddonut.

Santacid

Santa.
Antacid.
Santacid.

He probably needs one after all the racing around he does.
At his age, that can't be good for his stomach.
Or heart.

Coronary.
Merry X-mas.
Coronerry X-mas!